"The sorrows of others do not interfere with your pleasures. If you were really compassionate, you would have abandoned long ago all self-concern and entered the only state from which you can really help...Accept life as it comes and you will find it a blessing."
Hello Friends,
So much has happened since we last spoke. I'm being real with you. It's been an onslaught of super challenging circumstances. Here are a few of the "lowlights"...
I taught an acting class to middle school girls and discovered the excruciating pain of learning that their experience of you is...you are a terrible teacher and they venomously dislike you and blame you for ruining their summer. Wow! Bloody hell!
Then... I tried to look for love and I met a very "interesting guy" on Tinder. I thought he was a bit strange but I decided to give it a chance. We started dating and...Weeeeeee!!!!! Two months in...oops! Unexpected pregnancy!!! WTF???
Q: Abortion? Keep the baby?
A: Keep.
Almost died in childbirth. Discovered that becoming a mother was one of the most devastating and perfectly awful experiences I've ever had, especially when you're recovering from PTSD and learning how to walk again and taking care of a newborn 24/7 and you just met your "partner" less than a year ago. No trust. No shared-understanding. No emotional safety.
Fu&k.
Why do people ever chose to go through this birth process by choice? There must be a reason. But for me it made me ill for the better part of a year and then almost killed me. So it was not my experience to feel anything like "baby bliss" or enjoyment so I can only imagine/understand what that must be like for other people...I don't actually relate to "wanting" to be a parent.
Sorry if that offends someone. Call me names. It's fine. I have had a different experience. It's okay for me to have mine and you can have yours. It's cool. Both can co-exist without negating the validity of the other. And also, I'm ok with the reality that it has been painful for me. So if you want to "make me feel better" about it, in order for you to feel better...It's really not necessary. I'm ok with not being ok. So please you...try to be ok with me not being ok. It's ok. I'm ok. My kid is ok. And I don't "like" being a parent. I'm still making an effort to do a good job. Fear not. I'm just not going to lie about how I feel about it. It's too exhausting to pretend. Not worth the effort.
Then there is the isolation of this f-d up culture where everyone is "too busy" to show up for each other anymore or respond or notice when someone is struggling...As soon as you have a difficult life experience...then all of the sudden...people start forgetting to call you...if they ever remembered in the first place. They just check your FB page, press LIKE and call that "friendship." So wrong.
If I had a dollar for every time someone very sincerely said to me, "OH. SWEETIE. I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOU NEED SUPPORT. WHAT A HORRIBLE BIRTH STORY. IT SOUNDS SO TRAUMATIC. I WISH I COULD BE THERE WITH YOU, REALLY, SO MUCH...IF I LIVED CLOSER, I WOULD TOTALLY BE THERE TO HOLD THE BABY SO YOU CAN SHOWER...I WOULD COME OVER ALL THE TIME...ITS JUST SO FAR...AND THE TRAFFIC...AND I AM SO BUSY BUSY BUSY WITH THIS JOB...IT'S KILLING ME AND I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY BANDWIDTH FOR ANYTHING ELSE, BUT SERIOUSLY CALL ME ANYTIME YOU NEED. YOU REACH OUT TO ME THOUGH, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU. AND ALSO I ALWAYS FORGET OMG...I'M JUST SO BUSY AND DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THIS HOT GUY I JUST MET ONLINE...TEXT ME IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO THOUGH...KEEP IN TOUCH!!!"
And then... began.... the estrangement from family member after family member...one by one...no emotional safety and no loving curiosity and no compassion and neglecting to respond and wow wow wow was that super painful. What does "family" mean anyway? And where is mine? Who is my "family" and why am I all alone and bleeding? How did I get HERE. This is insanity.
Then.....discovering that my daughter's dad is "on-the-spectrum' and has very low scores for capacity for empathy. Grand! Psychopathic tendencies!!! Perfect. Add it to the list of WTF????!!!
Who is showing up to be my caretaker through the darkest moments of my life. A psychopath. Cool! I've got this. We can make this WORK! Yes?...No wonder I don't feel safe and I have no trust anymore. I love my kid but I definitely would not have wished any of these circumstances on anyone.
Then there's money losses.... spending my entire retirement savings on therapy and San Francisco RENTS.
I'm telling you, friends...Life has just gotten better and better after I applied to grad school MFA programs 4 years in a row and never got in. WHAT IF I HAD GOTTEN ACCEPTED? Would I have been saved from this twist/turn of fate? Maybe....maybe not.
Anyway. I don't act anymore. I don't even THINK about acting anymore. How can I? I can't even pay rent. All I am doing is trying to survive and give all my loving attention and good energy to my kid, so as not to mess her up too badly psychologically. I am too tired to do all the things by myself. Parent, pay the bills, clean the house, have a career, be creative, be the peacemaker in my family, make everyone else feel good about themselves and convince everyone I'm successful and happy, in spite of all the odds. NOPE. Just can't do all that stuff all at once. Fu&k having it all...what am I having? A heart attack and disappointment fest! Do all the WORK, and LIKE IT!!! lol...wait, what's the incentive? not sure. not sure.
Anyway, then to try and give a last "hail mary" to the relationship. We tried an INTERNATIONAL MOVE...to Japan. I had never been there and do not speak Japanese. Once I got there and saw how my body/mind was responding to the circumstances I had put myself in...that's when I basically hit my rock bottom and my realization that I absolutely would destroy myself if I stayed one more minute in isolation with my kid and her dad. So we split up...I finally recognized that he met ZERO of my emotional needs and I would dry into a prune if I was to look to him for the rest of my life for a truly reciprocal loving partnership. Nope.
There is something really relaxing about seeing...REALITY. Accept reality..."this is not working"...IS THE TRUTH.... None of this is working.
So now....THAT's my ACCEPTANCE PROJECT.
Be. With. What. Is. Even when "what is" IS SHIT and it feels like shit too. Accept that it's feeling like shit right now. The only way OUT is THROUGH. Feel the feels. Be with whatever emotions are there...accept it as reality and THEN acting accordingly. Accepting doesn't mean I AGREE or I'm going to WALLOW. It's just that I am RECOGNIZING, ALLOWING, INVESTIGATING and NURTURING myself. RAIN...thank you Tara Brach.
Next? Took right action. Escaped Japan. Back to CA to start new life as single parent.
And then there was COVID-19...and the world changed. WE ALL went into "crisis mode" and I was like...wow...EVERYONE is on my wavelength now...dealing with crazy shit that they have no control over... Finally PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND AND RELATE TO MY EXPERIENCE!!!
Oddly, removing this sense of emotional isolation in the midst of physical isolation was super healing. #silverliningsofcovid #everyonesuffers #weareallinit
Then...trying to rebuild life even as the world is freaking-out and people are losing loved ones right and left...I tried to get back into the work force!!! Cut to a short stint being disillusioned in Silicon Valley/San Francisco, observing the scary-scary blind-spots in my fellow employees, the business models evil consequences and unconscious hypocrisy power-elites...that didn't last long for me. Bye-Bye California.
I have taken asylum in Utah and am living in a Mormon community. (no joke) Where I have not converted to the religion, but am super grateful for the culture of care and family and aspirations to a code of ethics that I've found here. Which has given me the safety and survival stability (and childcare) that I need to stop having anxiety attacks, no sleep from 24/7 single parenting and begin to recover from the complex ptsd from the relationship with the father of my kid.
And what else would Virginia decide to do....once she's got at least one foot in a stable place?...WELL...apply for another program OF COURSE!!!!! Lol.
Only this education program I've chosen is one that takes anyone who signs up. NO HOOPS TO JUMP THROUGH. Perfect. My legs are fucking tired.
Tuition??? That's why we have credit cards, yes? (No financial planners have approved this message.)
I paid and therefore was accepted. Thank you, capitalism.
Anyway, I am enrolled a 2021 student of the Applied Compassion Training Program at Stanford University's CCARE. I will be writing about my process on my PATREON page. So if you'd like to follow this next chapter of whatever this life-saga is that I am living.
Patreon is where I will share all the truth I will be telling you about what I'm learning, every failure and everything that aligns in my favor...
I just want to have a PURPOSE in life again and HELP MYSELF to have compassion and help other PEOPLE have compassion for each other in a practical way. How to PRACTICE compassion? Practice. Practice. Practice.
I NEED COMPASSION and I make a conscious effort to give it out to others where ever I go and when I do it feels GREAT!
But I don't get it back from people nearly enough and I IMAGINE this world would feel like a much safer place if we were all consciously aware of the advantages of exercising our compassion and curiosity muscles as much as our mouse buttons and uninformed snap-judgements.
I've been developing my empathy skills my whole freaking life in every job I've ever attempted, including training as an actor for 20+ years. Better put that training to good use in other creative ways now. Because the universe has made it clear that there are other plans for me. No one is calling me for acting jobs. Hahahahaha.
Apparently I'm supposed to be one of those "SHIT to roses" alchemists or something, in this lifetime.
Whatever. Okay. Fine. I get it universe. Grow some spiritual depth or die? That seems harsh, but ok. I'll play this game. I know death will win eventually, but I'll get as far as I can with this compassion project as I can before I go.
COMPASSION....Here is your mission should you choose to ACCEPT it. :-)
Ugh. Fine.
FOLLOW ME HERE, IF YOU WANT MORE TORTUROUS COMPASSION TRAINING and/or enjoy reading me.
Warning: I will get really nice and meditative too, sometimes in my posts on Patreon. That's a different kind of energy than I'm bringing to you here. But that's a part of me too...the more soft and gooey side.
Also, on Patreon, I want to try to do as many audio recordings as I can to try to "unmute myself" from having a voice...since I've been too overwhelmed to speak for the past 4 years.
RANT: I am not cut out to be a parent. It requires 110% of my energy to not go insane being a mother every day. THERE ARE NO BREAKS!!!! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR JOB IF THEY NEVER GAVE YOU ANY BREAKS AND YOUR BOSS WOKE YOU UP 4 TIMES A NIGHT FOR 3+ YEARS. Ok, so some of you have bosses like that and/or children. Then you get what I'm saying and why it's insane to expect parents to "enjoy" this experience, at least not all the time... anyway...that's the PTSD talking too...that's a place that sometimes speaks too.
Anyway. Patreon. Here. Please note: I can't write for free anymore. It's too much work and I have a kid and we need health insurance and food. So subscribing = loving and supporting our existence on the planet and keeping us out of homeless shelters and bankruptcy.
If you don't want to subscribe to this adventure, but you want to make me feel better. Send me money on Venmo....It won't make me "feel" better, actually, but it will help me feed my kid and pay the IRS.
In fact, if you ever got any value out of any of the posts I've ever written over the UPTEEN years I was writing before my life went to shit. If my work has positively impacted your life or inspired you in some way. YOU CAN PAY ME NOW...lol
Venmo name is @Virginia-Wilcox-5
I know this new way of supporting me monetarily must make you so excited. Yay!!!! Finally!!! "I've been wanting to pay Virginia for her writing for YEARS, but never knew how!!!!"
Now. Is. Your. Chance!!!
Fun fact about feelings....
I have learned that no one "makes me" feel anything. I just feel stuff and have emotional reactions to things that actually have nothing to do with you.
Update posted.
Love,
me
anyway
