"When you feel happy, really happy, it somehow seems that you've always been happy and that you'll always be happy. The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared. Something, perhaps, to remember." - Mike Dooley
You know how it is...When you're sooooooooo close to finishing that paper...or closing that show...or finishing that project...or completing that remodel...or closing on that house...or crossing that finish line...and YOU JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT!?!
Yup...That's MEEEE right now! Feeling sooooo reluctant to even TOUCH my computer when I get home. (And that's veeeeery unusual for me.)
But here I am...again...
B L O G G G G G I N G.
I had a difficult time deciding how I wanted to title today's post. I went with "Treading Water," but here are some of the other options I was considering...
"Going Thru The E-Motions"
"Are We There Yet?"
"Why Am I Still Doing This?"
"Another Day...Another Blog"
"Not Into It Today"
"Only 21 More Posts...And It's ALL DONE"
"Endurance Test (A+)...Grad School (Fail)"
"Please Let This Be Over Already"
"Who Even Cares About Getting Accepted To Grad School I Just Want To Complete This F^*ing Blogging Project So That I Can Go Back To Not Having To Think About What I'm Going To WRITE All The Time"
Clllllleeeeeeearly, I am feeling a bit resistant to blogging today/this week/ever since I got that rejection email from Juilliard. Yup. Just gotta be HONEST...I think that was the turning point for me...when this project turned into a BiG, HUGE...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
Answer: Blogging...That is what I am doing with my life.
Is that really what I want to be doing?
Answer: No. Not really.
I want to be ACTING!!!!!
Why AM I STILL DOING THIS THEN?
Short Answer: Because I said I would...And I am going to keep my promise if it KILLS me.
Long Answer: I made this blog for a couple of reasons...
1. As a commitment device...to help me stay on-track with my preparations for auditioning for grad school. (Which no longer applies...since there is no more "preparation" left to do...just waiting...waiting for the rejection email from NYU to come at the end of March.)
2. As a record of what my process has been from start to finish. (This still applies... because... TECHNICALLY... the whole process is not really OVER until I get that last rejection email from NYU. All the waiting and doubting and fretting and avoidance and ups and downs and ya-da, ya-da...that's all part of the process to.)
So I suppose today is one of THOSE days...doubting...fretting...questioning...discouraged... But STILL BLOGGING anyway.
Note to self: If you want to be an actor: act. If you want to be a blogger: blog.
Seems simple...However, this logic did not occur to me when I began this project. I did NOT start this blog in order to become a BLOGGER...Yet...that is what I feel like has happened as a result of this project.
I STILL haven't been accepted to grad school...but I have a blog. A BLOG is what I have, so I am a blogger. (That I can use that label in reference to myself is such a weird realization!) I've taken on a role that I didn't really intend to be so...all-consuming. And...right now...I don't really want the responsibility that goes along with that role...with this blog. I don't WANT to share...I don't WANT to be a blogger...I want to go HIDE...like I used to be able to...before I started writing 6-days-a-week and spilling my guts in public to the blog-o-sphere.
How often to we fall into roles that we never intended? All of the sudden you blink your eyes and you're a FATHER...or you discover yourself accidentally introducing your "friend" as your "boyfriend"...or you've been promoted and you've suddenly got a fancy title and authority...or your parents pass away and you are the "head of the family" now.... or any kind of unexpected development occurs...and you're like...Wait a minute....HOW DID I GET HERE? Do I really want to be here? Or am I here because it was the easiest/most natural thing? Or is it just my luck? Am I here by mistake? Or am I just a pawn in a greater plan that's unfolding for everyone?
I don't know the answers...
But for now... I am just showing up at my computer because I said I would and I am being honest...I feel like I'm treading water...So I'm blogging about feeling like I'm treading water...(Imagine that!)
Not feeling any forward motion...Just trying to keep my head above the water, breathe and not drown.
As a proverbial water-treader...I am totally successful.
Whoop de do.
Good thing tomorrow's another day...Could be another opportunity to tread some more water...or maybe catch a wave that'll carry me to shore.
Guess it's up to me...I can chose to ride the wave...or let it pass me by...but I refuse to go under. That ain't gonna happen.
"The trick isn't to never fall down, it's to never stay down." - Matt Frazier