Update #3: Throw A Chair

Hi guys!

Confession: I've been procrastinating writing this post...You know..it's my "HOW DID AUDITIONS GO THIS YEAR?" post.

Ugh.

I have been putting a lot of expectations on myself about how it "should be"... How this post should be "profound and inspiring" or "hilariously funny" or "heartfelt and poignant." It's probably not going to be any of those things. Sorry!

("Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, Wilcox! You never would have started this blog if it had to be perfect! Just write SOMETHING"...I tell myself.)

In order to get me to actually sit down and write this post, I needed to let go of all of those "should" expectations and allow myself to write a boring, factual, short and simple account of what occurred at my MFA auditions this year (and how it felt).

Now... it sounds like I'm about to say that all my auditions went terrible this 4th year of applying and that's why it's been so hard to write about them! That's definitely not the case. I've just been in avoidance-mode. That's all.

Anyhoo...avoidance no more!

Here is the run-down:

OLD GLOBE (UNIVERSITY OF SAN DIEGO) MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: Ripley-Grier Studios, NYC
Audition Date: Thursday, January 24, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $55
How many times have I auditioned here?: Twice (2010 & 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Felt great!
Callback?: No. (But that's okay because Old Globe doesn't have callbacks.)
What happens next?: Now just waiting to hear from them.

NYU GRAD ACTING

Audition Location: Tisch, 721 Broadway, NYC
Audition Date: Friday, January 25, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $60
How many times have I auditioned here?: Four times (2010, 2011, 2012, 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Felt great! Had fun.
Callback?: Yes. Made it through same-day-second-round-callbacks with Mark Wing-Davey. That's as far as you can get on the day of auditions. Yay!
What happens next?: Now just waiting to hear if I will get invited to the "final callback weekend" in March.

(Read more detailed accounts of my previous audition experiences at NYU here: 2010, 2011 and 2012.)

JUILLIARD MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: The Juilliard School, Lincoln Center Plaza, NYC
Audition Date: Saturday, January 26, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $110
How many times have I auditioned here?: Twice (2012 & 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Very emotional day. Felt really wonderful to have the opportunity to audition for them again. I had the best audition experience last year...and this year was just as fun/awesome!
Callback?: Yes. Made it through same-day-second-round-callbacks, the group-work and to a final interview at the end of the day.
What happens next?: I will receive an email tomorrow to tell me if I've been invited to the "final callback weekend" in March.

(Read a more detailed account of last year's audition experience at Juilliard here: 2012. And here is a link to my most popular post during the project, "The Juilliard Door Closes," about how it feels to NOT get accepted to your top-choice school.)

YALE MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: Yale University, New Haven, CT
Audition Date: Sunday, February 3, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $110
How many times have I auditioned here?: Four times (2010, 2011, 2012, 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. They are always very nice.
Callback?: No.
What happens next?: No need to wait. Because I did not receive a callback, I know that I am not being considered for this year's class. (But thank you for sending me my rejection letter email today, Yale... on Valentine's day. Very sensitive. Very sensitive, indeed...Ha!)

(Read more detailed accounts of my previous audition experiences at Yale here: 2010/2011 and 2012.)

And now for FEEEEEELINGS...

My goal for this year's auditions was to challenge myself to throw a chair in EVERY audition. (Special thanks to Kevin Morales who suggested that I work in the chair throw to my Shakespeare monologue. Totally justified with the given circumstances of the play and the journey of the character in the monologue.) Still, this felt TERRIFYING to me. And that's EXACTLY why I had to do it.

It felt like a huge RISK for me every time. Which meant that something REAL was a stake in my performance!!!

Thoughts like this would run through my head...

-  What if the chair breaks? (One of them did break...first round at NYU. Yikes!)

-  What if they think I'm crazy? (So what if they do?! Would I want to attend a graduate acting program that didn't allow the students to make big/risky choices in class? NO! So if they think I'm crazy for throwing a chair, then that's probably NOT the program for me....And maybe I am a little bit crazy, anyway...just sayin'.)

-  What if they don't "like" me or think that it's not "nice" to throw a chair? (Ugh. I call this "nice girl syndrome." F@%K that! Get over yourself, Virginia! This isn't about them liking YOU in this monologue...This is about you communicating the journey of this Shakespearean character and if throwing a chair helps tell that story (which I think it did) then you'd better not be a cowardly chickens*^t and back down and be "polite" just because you're afraid of offending somebody. That said...when I did break one chair...I did apologize politely afterwards.)

Four years ago...I NEVER would have had the balls to throw a chair in an audition, MFA or otherwise. I would have talked myself out of it...and justified every possible reason why it was a terrible idea...every time.

But...now...I feel proud...because I not only threw a chair in every audition...I still got called back at NYU and Juilliard!!! AWESOME!

It just goes to show...Sometimes the "rules" we superimpose on ourselves are TOTAL bulls!@t and should be broken. There is no "right" way in this life. Take a RISK!!! It feels amazing to know that you can! Even if you break a chair...you will survive!!! F*~k Yeah!

(Geez, lots of expletives in this post. Perhaps I should have given a disclaimer at the beginning. This post is PG-13.... "Nice girl syndrome" strikes again. Ha!)

Anyways, that's how it went...and a little bit about how I felt about it.

So check back with me for Update #4 soon...very soon...since I'll be getting an email from Juilliard tomorrow.

Eeeeeeeee!

Thank you for reading....Thank you for all of your good energy and well-wishes during my auditions. It was all deeply felt and much appreciated.

Sending sooooo much love to all of you courageous people who are on this journey too!

Dream BIG...and do not give up!

Loves,
Virginia

"Look where you have ended up right now. This is exactly where you need to be, so don't resist. Pay attention to what is showing up for you and use that as the guidance for where your next step lies. If it does not feel good and expansive, you have work to do It's not about them and what they decide or do. It is about you and your process, so take responsibility for that. Be flexible and don't blame." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

Update #2: Going For It Again...And Again...And Again...And Again

TRUST...
...the transition.
...the process.
...that what is happening is right.
...that spirit and your heart know best even if the mind questions.
...that you will survive and flourish.
...that you are powerful.
...that you can create what you need.
...that it is all good.
And ACCEPT the present moment just as it is...imperfectly perfect in every way.

Hello, my friends!

My 2013 auditions for MFA acting schools begins TOMORROW!

Exciting!!!!

I just have one small favor to ask...

It would mean soooooo much to me if you would keep me in your thoughts/prayers and send me some of your positive energy and well-wishes on the following mornings...

Thursday, Jan 24 = Old Globe MFA audition
Friday, Jan 25 = NYU Grad Acting audition
Saturday, Jan 26 = Juilliard MFA audition
Sunday, Feb 3 = Yale MFA audition

All of your collective supportive thoughts make all the difference in the world. I truly believe that.

And just so you know where my head is at these days...no matter what the "outcome" of these auditions (acceptance or no) I am trusting that it'll all be for my greater good.

These past three years of NOT making it into grad school have been some of the most profoundly challenging and transformative of my life. I would not change a thing.

That said...I'm going in there and giving the universe another opportunity to open one of these doors for me. I'll keep knocking until I'm ready to move on. So for now, I'm giving it another shot!

Let's DO this!!!

Sending best wishes to everyone who is getting out there and auditioning this year! Be your brilliant selves!

XOs to all.

~Virginia

Timing is everything. It really is...

Just because it worked yesterday, doesn't mean it'll work tomorrow.

Just because it didn't work yesterday, doesn't mean it won't work tomorrow.

- Joseph Jaffe (jaffejuice.com)

Update #1: Dear Virginia (A Letter To Myself)

"Reality" is not that you are weak, and dream of becoming strong. Poor, and dream of becoming rich. Alone, and dream of having friends. But that you're already strong, rich, and among friends. Yet, at times, dream that you're not." - Mike Dooley

Hello, folks!

Remember me?

I thought it was about time I sent out an update to inform you of the following:

A. I am still alive.

B. Hurricane Sandy is bitch-slapping NYC right now. (So far, so good at my home in Astoria. We've got power and I can blog.)

C. And....No. An alternate slot never did open up for me at NYU Grad Acting for Fall of 2012.

:(

Whah-whah.

Soooooo, naturally the next question is...

"Well, Virginia, are you going to audition again for grad school for the 4th year in a row?"

Am I?

Hmmmm?

Well, I am acting like I am. I am in motion. I have already chosen a few monologues. I have partially filled out the online application (at NYU at least). I have gotten together with a new monologue coach a few times. So I am taking ACTION and moving FORWARD.

But there is something not quite right. You see...

It's my heart.

My heart is not IN it...Certainly not like it was this time last year.

Now it's at this point where I have to ask myself...WHY is that?

Is it just resistance? Am I tired? Is it a passing feeling? Or am I simply ready to move on to something else?

The truth: I don't know the answer.

What do I really want at this point in my life? Is grad school really my next best step or no?

I got so close last year! Am I really ready to give up the idea of grad school altogether?

Yikes. So many ????s. And answers? Zero.

Allllll this questioning has been taking up a lot of my mental energy lately. (Exhausting.)

And I've been keeping myself busy, busy, busy... trying to AVOID reflecting on it...really. (Exhausting.)

And then... BAM! (Random out-of-the-blue occurance.)

Tonight I came across this letter that I wrote to myself back in 2009. (It was part of an exercise I wrote while working through the book Walking In This World by Julia Cameron.)

This self-addressed letter is very heartfelt and encouraging and honest.

I think I had some really important things to say to me. I feel like I am still learning all the same lessons (as always) and needing the same things reinforced for me (again and again). Maybe some day I'll be able to really change my ways of thinking, maybe not.

But since this blog is all about self-disclosing my creative process, I thought I'd share the letter with you. It's very much an accurate reflection of my thought process and how I try to chose more self-nuturing thoughts, if possible.

Always gotta remind myself that my goal of attending grad school is just ONE pathway toward my ultimate goal: living a good life. (And not somebody else's definition of a good life. MY idea of a good life. Which I'm still discovering what that is for me exactly.)

I guess, what I'm realizing is...

I'm already living a good life. Right. Now.

I have a lot of awesome things to be grateful for in my life.

And if I can slow down long enough to reflect on that, then I get this amazing feeling...unfamiliar and strange as it is... The feeling is called: contentment.

Ahhhhhh! Contentment is scary though.

I mean, what if I get so happy that I never want to DO anything again? And I just get totally unmotivated and LAZY? Aren't I fueled by my discontentment? (Yes, that is my crazy/irrational fear and subconscious resistance to happiness.)

(Yes. I am cray-cray-crayzi.)

So, anyways, this letter that I wrote to myself in 2009 is just exactly what I needed to read tonight.

I wish I could really learn to take my own advice. My 2009 self is so much smarter than my now-self. Ha!

I typed out the letter below...

Maybe there's some stuff in there you might find helpful to reflect on too. Especially on those days when the rainclouds seem to block out all the sunlight. ('Cause you know the sun is still there, you just can't see it behind all those pesky clouds!)



~

"Oh, Virginia...Don't you know yourself by now?"

"Nope. I remain a mystery to me."

~



Dear Virginia,

Slow your pace down to whatever feels most comfortable for you. There is no rush. You are on your own timetable. 

Trust your instincts. You know what feel right and what is going to be best for you. Trust that and don't be afraid.

Don't make decisions when you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired either. You're not in any spot to be making decisions during those times.

Forgive your body for it's fallibility and imperfections. Your body can heal itself from within. 

You are a human being, not a robot. Humans need rest and care. Take time to take care of yourself. (You always feel good when you do!)

Positive change is happening. (Even when you can't see it.)

You are putting good energy out into the universe. You will be provided for.

Your right path will become clear. 

Have confidence in yourself and in the potential of your talent. You have gifts and you take joy in using them.

You have so much to give. People will recognize you for your contributions. Do what you love and the money will come.

Trust in the right order of things. Be patient.

You will be ready when the time comes. Don't be afraid.

Be brave. Be confident. Be courageous.

You can create your own reality of joy and hope in your own mind. Fill your mind with positive and inspiring words.

Meditate.

Practice yoga and exercise when you are feeling low. It helps you.

Dance. 

Sing.

Music brings you joy.

Ask for help when you are afraid. You are not alone. People love you and are happy to help you when you are in need.

Know that EVERYTHING changes...The best of circumstances and the worst of circumstances are just temporary.

Live in appreciation for the gifts that you have been given.

Don't be blind. Open your eyes to the beauty and joy that is all around you.

Be open and loving. People resonate with you when you are being authentically yourself.

Vulnerability is courageuos.

Trust that you are in the right place right now and that you are moving toward the next good thing.

In the mean time, don't feel guilty about taking it slow and not working so hard to make things happen. They WILL happen, in the good and right time.

I love you. You should love you, too! You are unique and beautiful.

Continue to dream big. But take comfort in the little things.

Don't apologize for taking time for yourself on a daily basis. That's the most important gift you can give yourself...time alone...to just...BE.

Believe in yourself and other people with believe in you too.

You are an inspiring and loving person with a solid moral compass. You don't have to prove it. Just be it.

Be happy.

Rest.

Play.

Open your mind.

Know that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. Your future is bright and hopeful.

You are lovable and worthy of being loved.

You are talented and you have creativity bubbling inside you. The outlets for that creativity will find you.

Keep going.

Listen to your heart. You'll know when it feels right.

Don't waste your energy doubting.

Don't give up on yourself.

Enjoy the ride. You cannot anticipate all the wonders you'll see along the way...

Love,
Virginia 
Shanghai, China (2009)


My reply:

Dear me,

Thanks for writing this letter and hiding it in that pile of old journals where I might stumble upon it. You're always looking out for me. I appreciate that...as you well know.

Gratefully yours,
Virginia
Astoria, NY (2012)

~

Anyone else out there debating about auditioning for grad school again next year? Share your thought process in the comments. Would love to hear about your journey.