Update #1: Dear Virginia (A Letter To Myself)

"Reality" is not that you are weak, and dream of becoming strong. Poor, and dream of becoming rich. Alone, and dream of having friends. But that you're already strong, rich, and among friends. Yet, at times, dream that you're not." - Mike Dooley

Hello, folks!

Remember me?

I thought it was about time I sent out an update to inform you of the following:

A. I am still alive.

B. Hurricane Sandy is bitch-slapping NYC right now. (So far, so good at my home in Astoria. We've got power and I can blog.)

C. And....No. An alternate slot never did open up for me at NYU Grad Acting for Fall of 2012.

:(

Whah-whah.

Soooooo, naturally the next question is...

"Well, Virginia, are you going to audition again for grad school for the 4th year in a row?"

Am I?

Hmmmm?

Well, I am acting like I am. I am in motion. I have already chosen a few monologues. I have partially filled out the online application (at NYU at least). I have gotten together with a new monologue coach a few times. So I am taking ACTION and moving FORWARD.

But there is something not quite right. You see...

It's my heart.

My heart is not IN it...Certainly not like it was this time last year.

Now it's at this point where I have to ask myself...WHY is that?

Is it just resistance? Am I tired? Is it a passing feeling? Or am I simply ready to move on to something else?

The truth: I don't know the answer.

What do I really want at this point in my life? Is grad school really my next best step or no?

I got so close last year! Am I really ready to give up the idea of grad school altogether?

Yikes. So many ????s. And answers? Zero.

Allllll this questioning has been taking up a lot of my mental energy lately. (Exhausting.)

And I've been keeping myself busy, busy, busy... trying to AVOID reflecting on it...really. (Exhausting.)

And then... BAM! (Random out-of-the-blue occurance.)

Tonight I came across this letter that I wrote to myself back in 2009. (It was part of an exercise I wrote while working through the book Walking In This World by Julia Cameron.)

This self-addressed letter is very heartfelt and encouraging and honest.

I think I had some really important things to say to me. I feel like I am still learning all the same lessons (as always) and needing the same things reinforced for me (again and again). Maybe some day I'll be able to really change my ways of thinking, maybe not.

But since this blog is all about self-disclosing my creative process, I thought I'd share the letter with you. It's very much an accurate reflection of my thought process and how I try to chose more self-nuturing thoughts, if possible.

Always gotta remind myself that my goal of attending grad school is just ONE pathway toward my ultimate goal: living a good life. (And not somebody else's definition of a good life. MY idea of a good life. Which I'm still discovering what that is for me exactly.)

I guess, what I'm realizing is...

I'm already living a good life. Right. Now.

I have a lot of awesome things to be grateful for in my life.

And if I can slow down long enough to reflect on that, then I get this amazing feeling...unfamiliar and strange as it is... The feeling is called: contentment.

Ahhhhhh! Contentment is scary though.

I mean, what if I get so happy that I never want to DO anything again? And I just get totally unmotivated and LAZY? Aren't I fueled by my discontentment? (Yes, that is my crazy/irrational fear and subconscious resistance to happiness.)

(Yes. I am cray-cray-crayzi.)

So, anyways, this letter that I wrote to myself in 2009 is just exactly what I needed to read tonight.

I wish I could really learn to take my own advice. My 2009 self is so much smarter than my now-self. Ha!

I typed out the letter below...

Maybe there's some stuff in there you might find helpful to reflect on too. Especially on those days when the rainclouds seem to block out all the sunlight. ('Cause you know the sun is still there, you just can't see it behind all those pesky clouds!)



~

"Oh, Virginia...Don't you know yourself by now?"

"Nope. I remain a mystery to me."

~



Dear Virginia,

Slow your pace down to whatever feels most comfortable for you. There is no rush. You are on your own timetable. 

Trust your instincts. You know what feel right and what is going to be best for you. Trust that and don't be afraid.

Don't make decisions when you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired either. You're not in any spot to be making decisions during those times.

Forgive your body for it's fallibility and imperfections. Your body can heal itself from within. 

You are a human being, not a robot. Humans need rest and care. Take time to take care of yourself. (You always feel good when you do!)

Positive change is happening. (Even when you can't see it.)

You are putting good energy out into the universe. You will be provided for.

Your right path will become clear. 

Have confidence in yourself and in the potential of your talent. You have gifts and you take joy in using them.

You have so much to give. People will recognize you for your contributions. Do what you love and the money will come.

Trust in the right order of things. Be patient.

You will be ready when the time comes. Don't be afraid.

Be brave. Be confident. Be courageous.

You can create your own reality of joy and hope in your own mind. Fill your mind with positive and inspiring words.

Meditate.

Practice yoga and exercise when you are feeling low. It helps you.

Dance. 

Sing.

Music brings you joy.

Ask for help when you are afraid. You are not alone. People love you and are happy to help you when you are in need.

Know that EVERYTHING changes...The best of circumstances and the worst of circumstances are just temporary.

Live in appreciation for the gifts that you have been given.

Don't be blind. Open your eyes to the beauty and joy that is all around you.

Be open and loving. People resonate with you when you are being authentically yourself.

Vulnerability is courageuos.

Trust that you are in the right place right now and that you are moving toward the next good thing.

In the mean time, don't feel guilty about taking it slow and not working so hard to make things happen. They WILL happen, in the good and right time.

I love you. You should love you, too! You are unique and beautiful.

Continue to dream big. But take comfort in the little things.

Don't apologize for taking time for yourself on a daily basis. That's the most important gift you can give yourself...time alone...to just...BE.

Believe in yourself and other people with believe in you too.

You are an inspiring and loving person with a solid moral compass. You don't have to prove it. Just be it.

Be happy.

Rest.

Play.

Open your mind.

Know that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. Your future is bright and hopeful.

You are lovable and worthy of being loved.

You are talented and you have creativity bubbling inside you. The outlets for that creativity will find you.

Keep going.

Listen to your heart. You'll know when it feels right.

Don't waste your energy doubting.

Don't give up on yourself.

Enjoy the ride. You cannot anticipate all the wonders you'll see along the way...

Love,
Virginia 
Shanghai, China (2009)


My reply:

Dear me,

Thanks for writing this letter and hiding it in that pile of old journals where I might stumble upon it. You're always looking out for me. I appreciate that...as you well know.

Gratefully yours,
Virginia
Astoria, NY (2012)

~

Anyone else out there debating about auditioning for grad school again next year? Share your thought process in the comments. Would love to hear about your journey.

141. The Learning Spiral

Learning is not a linear process in my world. I wish it looked like the chart below. But, for me, this is not exactly right.

(Photo Credit: synapse9.com)

The above is allll logical and makes sense and everything. And maybe it works for some people this way...but for me...My learning curve is a spiral staircase.

(Photo Credit: Andrew Hazelden)

As I take action in my life to learn a new skill...like blogging...or...eating healthy...or...working on a new monologue...or lessons I'm learning in life...like being more patient or... listening more...or being more focused on being present with people in the now...(These are all things I'd like to be better skilled at)...I've realized that I set myself up for a lot of self-loathing if I expect myself to be able to follow the learning curve rather than the learning spiral.

Thinking of it as a spiral makes me feel good about learning!

What's the difference? You ask?

Well, I see it this way...As I climb up the spiral staircase...I can feel GOOD because I am...

A. Moving forward toward my goal

B. Moving upward (improving) toward my goal

and 

C. I am constantly coming back around to the same lessons that I have learned before...only THIS TIME...I am learning them at a higher level (because I've been doing A & B all along)

If I use the learning curve as the model in my mind...I get frustrated because I feel like once I've learned a lesson or accomplished a part of my process...that I SHOULD then be able to "check it off the list" and be "done with it" and I'll never ever revert back to needing to learn that lesson again. So when I (inevitably) have to remind myself of lessons I've "already learned" in the past...I end up feeling bad about myself...like..."Oh, I should have known better"...or..."DUH...That was stupid. What's wrong with me?")

I have realized over the years that there's no reason to try to change the way I learn. That's just the WAY I LEARN and that's OKAY. Beating myself up about it does not help me learn any better. It just makes me feel bad. And I like to feel good about learning. So I will allow myself to love my learning spiral!

I am constantly learning and re-learning the same lessons in life over and over again...and just when I think I've "MASTERED" something...I discover how I can improve it. This is both wonderful (because it means learning is a life-long process and I'll never get bored) and it's also frustrating (because I sometimes think..."Why-can't-I-f*%<ing-LEARN-this-thing-already-and-get-it-over-with"...in my mind).

So to be more SELF-LOVING in my learning process. I have officially adopted the spiral staircase as my learning model.

For example, I was re-learning a lesson this morning...I woke up and I was thinking about imagination...and how important it is to have a strong vision for what I want my life to be...but imagination is equally as important as action...because without action, then all of my imaginings will only just be dreams...but there's another component that's suuuuuper important for me...and that is motivation...because when I'm really motivated to do something for a really strong/true/right/powerful/fun reason...then you best believe I'm going to find ways to make it happen...because I will throw all of my time, smarts, and love into it.

Imagination + Motivation + Action = Moving Up The Learning Spiral in the Direction of My Dreams

For me...the step that I MISS most often (in the above equation)...is the action step. I feel like I've got a strong imaginative vision of what I'd like to become...and I've got a TON of motivation to want to do it...but then...I get distracted by things...or I over-exert myself and get tired...and I realize that I'm not taking the ACTION necessary to really make my dreams a reality.

“Your story (that you tell yourself in your head) is the person you really want to be. That’s how you’d like to view yourself. Your actions, of course, are you! You can’t define anyone but by their actions. You can BE great. But unless you DO great, no one will know that. Think about that today…Let’s make our actions follow our story.” – Adam Gilbert, MyBodyTutor

And back to the LEARNING SPIRAL and how that relates to my issues with taking action...this is not a new concept to me...I blogged about it last November. CLICK HERE TO READ THAT POST.

So I'm still deepening that learning...Reminding myself to take action is going to be a constant life-long learning spiral for me. True story...So I might as well love it...and love myself through the process.

I'm not a linear learner...I'm a SPIRAL LEARNER. And somehow...knowing that and being able to label it...makes me feel good about it. Because I know I'm learning in the right way...the right way for me, that is.

So I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself constantly on this blog...That's just because I'm walking up my spiral...blog post by blog post...Learning and re-learning the lessons that the universe has to teach me. 

I'm no expert. But I'm learning...and getting better!

Thanks for walking with me. It's fun sharing the journey with you!

Loves,

V

"Expertise requires routine consistency, if only to elevate the level of growth in a short period of time. Schedule practice consistently...freeing you up from worrying over other things." - Marc Johansen, BeHyped

135. 1040 Aversion

"Do it now!" - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

I am working on my taxes today. I know...SUPER EXCITING, right?  

Hold on...Wait!...Don't click away yet...keep reading...you know you LOVE hearing all about how much taxes suck...Misery loves company! 

So, I know that most people aren't even going to be THINKING about their taxes until April or so, but I have to get them done suuuuuper early this year because I need to file the FAFSA. And I've gotta get ready to submit all the financial aid paperwork for grad school (should I happen to receive an offer for admission).

I am sooooooo resistant to doing all this financial-number-crunching and paper-pushing. It's one of my top 5 least favorite things to do in the world. And I would avoid it at all costs...if it wasn't required by LAW to file taxes every year. 

Sigh. I don't mind contributing some of my income to the good of our society, but does the process of filing the paperwork have to be so freakin' complex? Just sayin'...

It's gotta get done though, so...

In motivating oneself to sit down and tackle a project that one would rather NOT do...What are the tricks that you use to help you get through it?

Here are some of mine:

1. Set aside a BIG chunk of time. (Rushing only stresses me out MORE.)

2. Taxes are always better with red wine. ;-)

3. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. (It's not going to be perfect, so do it well enough to get the job done. But don't stress if you can't find EVERY receipt and can't deduct EVERY expense. Besides, if you discover a mistake later...you can always fix it by filing an amendment to your taxes. No worries.)

4. Get the help you need. (I have an AWESOME tax professional that helps me with my taxes every year. She specializes in the unique financial situations of actors and performers. She's a great resource for all my questions. And she always does a fantastic job and is very reliable. Love her! But before she was recommended to me, I always used TurboTax...which was a great tool too.)

5. Focus on how great you're going to feel when it's all DONE. (Though I may be banging my head against the wall right now, muttering expletives under my breath and sighing in frustration every 10 minutes...I know that when this thing is alllll done and I've got it all signed and finished and can look forward to a nice refund from the government about to be direct-deposited into my account...THAT will feel AWESOME.)

6. Think of the future benefit. (If I DO get accepted to grad school this year...and am able to get a good, solid financial-aid package from the grad school of my dreams...Well, then I will look back on this day of tax-return-preparation-torture...and I will be VERY HAPPY with myself that I took this time to get it DONE. It will be a HUGE pay-off in the end...I hope.)

7. Be grateful you're an "adult" now. (Sorry, if this one doesn't apply to you yet. It will someday. You have something awesome to look forward to. Trust and believe...Since I'm 30, I no longer have to submit my parents' financial info for the FAFSA. In undergrad, that used to be the bane of my existence. Nagging people to get stuff done is NOT my fave. I am very happy that, at least now, I don't have to deal with motivating my PARENTS to complete their tax returns early too. I just have to motivate myself.)

8. Keep starting. (When I hit a roadblock or a tough moment where I just want to throw all my receipts into the air and shoot them with a flame-thrower...I take a deep breath and think. "Okay, I'll just start from here." And for some reason, that allows me to keep going. Can't really pin-point exactly WHY that works for me, but it does.)

It's so strange to be doing alllllll this work sooooo early and not knowing if I'm even going to need it. But, on the other hand, even if I don't get accepted to grad school this year...I will still need to file my taxes...so it's gotta get done at some point...might as well be now, right?

Getting into grad school will be AWESOME!!!!!...Paying for grad school?.... Hmmmmm...that's going to be...challenging.

Since there haven't been any millionaires sending anonymous contributions to my Paypal account offering to finance my future education and no corporate sponsorship agreements have been signed...I'll have to go through all the normal channels to try to secure some financial support and make my grad school aspirations a REALITY.

So I'll have to stop blogging and get back to it...Here I go...

"TAXES...YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR ME! I WILL DEFEAT YOU! WHERE HAVE YOU HIDDEN MY CALCULATOR?! DON'T MAKE ME PULL OUT THE FLAME-THROWER! WHAH HA HA HA HA!"

;-P

Anyhoo,...HAPPY TAXES to all ya'll filing the FAFSA this year...and commiserating with my 1040 aversion.

Best wishes to all...

May your federal return be hefty and your estimated family contribution be minuscule.

Loves,

V

"Perhaps the hardest linear process to let go of is the accounting part of the mind that links the amount of money you have in the bank to what is possible. Get rid of this limiting process, be practical but don't base your goals and commitments on something as powerless as money. Practice seeing money as an energy and play with increasing that energy instead of counting dollars." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

126. Vision Board: Create Your Future

Sooooo it's Sunday...

Now, what would be a sensible Sunday afternoon activity to launch us into a SPECTACULAR 2012?

Creating a VISION BOARD! (Naturally.)

Vision boards: anything on which one has placed images of what one wants, are recommended as aids for manifesting desires

And why vision board all alone, when you can throw a party and make a HUGE mess!? This is what my apartment looks like right now...

I LOVE vision boarding. And it's definitely been significant tool in helping me to clarify what I want for my life, especially with regard to my current grad school goals/dreams/vision. In fact, my grad school vision board is the background art for my blog!!! Here's what it looks like in it's entirety:

Everyone has really embraced this creative undertaking today and I am sooooo proud of the fantastic visions for 2012 that came out of our vision board party.

Every word choice and image is a personal reflection. To others your vision board may look like a bunch of random words and images, but when you look at your OWN vision board...you see a story...a story of your life in the future...your hopes, dreams and fears in plain view, but only YOU will ever experience your vision board in a visceral way. At a glance, it can ignite your passion and remind you of who you TRULY are and what you really WANT.

But don't take my word for it. Make one yourself...and see how it makes you feel.

Instructions:
Just grab some magazines and flip thru the pages collecting words and images that inspire you. Then take some scissors, make some cuts...stick it all on a poster board with a glue-stick...and anything else that you'd like to add to your vision and... voilà!!!...Your vision for 2012! You can hang on your wall and see it EVERY DAY. It will keep you INSPIRED and MOTIVATED to take action to create your vision alllllll year long!

I hope that these photos will be an inspiration for you to create your own vision board!...

Mike's vision board (in process)

Carianne's 2012 is going to be EPIC and HOPEFUL!

 Mindy's 2012 is going to be BRAVE and WICKED!

Julia is looking forward to a WONDERFUL LIFE in 2012!

Sarah will be experiencing a RISING CAREER in 2012!

Thanks so much to all who showed up to the party!!!

Now....manifest THAT Universe!

Loves,
V

P.S. And from the blog-o-sphere...Vision Boards are still coming in!!! Send me photos of your completed vision boards and I'll happily add them to the blog, just like the one below! Email me at viavirginiawilcox at gmail dot com. Happy clipping!

Shavey is going to BE ELECTRIC in 2012!!

Erin has set her sights on upgrading her life!

P.P.S. Fiiiiiinally finished my own vision board for 2012! Here it is!!! (Better late than never.)

Virginia Wilcox, April 8, 2012

115. Procrastination

"You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." ~Martin Luther King Jr.

What is happening today? This is what's happening... You've had TONS of time to do everything you needed to do...And yet, you are finding a million low-priority things to busy yourself with...none of which are the important task that's weighing on your mind and making your tummy a bit queasy...You know, the one that you MUST accomplish by the end of the day orrrrrr else consequences will be had.

Procrastination....Not my friend...But we do spend a lot of time together. True story.

How to motivate oneself to motivate oneself?

Need a solid tip to get off your a$$ and do that thing that's gotta get done...TODAY?

CLICK HERE FOR WORDS OF WISDOM

Sending you all the peace-of-mind that comes with the completion of a task that you've been actively avoiding.

Juuuuuust DO IT!

Loves,
V

"...[He] who waits until circumstances completely favor his undertaking, will never accomplish anything." ~ Martin Luther

 P.S. Did two monologues in my living room for my friend E. Don't know exactly how I felt about them. Fine, I suppose. I did realize that I have a hard time focusing on "the moment before." I tend to take-on the energy of the room, rather than creating my own energy based on the given circumstances of the monologue...especially with the first piece. By the second piece, I've kind-of "warmed-up," I think, and it's easier for me to focus. Also, I am having some resistance to really getting super passionately lovey-dovey with my Shakespeare piece...which it sort-of requires. But, personally for me right now, that whole "romance" thing is not an emotion that I've felt recently, so accessing it is taking some...um...imagination to muster.

97. Comfortably Uncomfortable

"An atmosphere of growth brings great happiness, but at the same time, happiness sometimes also comes when you're free from the pressure to see much growth." - Gretchin Rubin, The Happiness Project

I love the feeling of pushing myself to do something outside of my comfort-zone.

I also love the feeling of being comfortable and doing something I know I do well.

How does one strike a balance? As artists, we always want to be challenging ourselves in our work... but how much is too much?

Only YOU can know your own limits...and only YOU can motivate yourself to push beyond them...or not.

And how to do all of this in a self-loving way?...Allowing yourself to be where you're at, yet still maintaining the desire and momentum to grow?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Sometimes it is necessary to stop being lazy and get to work... Sometimes it is necessary to stop working and be lazy.

Do what cha gotta do. And be honest with yourself about it.

Can you challenge yourself to do a little bit more today? Or do you need to slow down and do a little bit less?

Both can lead to happiness. Only YOU know which one is right for you in this moment.

Love,
V

"I take no action and people are reformed. I enjoy peace and people become honest. I do nothing and people become rich. If I keep from imposing on people, they become themselves." - 57th Verse, Tao Te Ching

89. Learn From The Best

"I have a lot left to learn. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I know almost nothing, and that I’m often wrong about what I think I know. Life has many lessons left to teach me, and I’m looking forward to them all." - Leo Babauta, ZenHabits.net

I want to be a life-long-learner. Part of this whole journey of wanting to get back to school and get my MFA in acting has been motivated by my desire to continue to LEARN and, specifically, learn how to create a sustainable and fulfilling career as an artist.

Hence...applying to NYU, Yale & Juilliard...arguably three of the BEST acting programs in the US. What better place to submit to the process of learning about the craft?

Observing New Yorkers since I moved here in 2007 has expanded my perception of what is possible for ordinary people to be able to do in the world. Being here has made me more aware of the impact that everyone is making on our society every day...and the question is.. What kind of contribution are you making today? And what more would you like to do if you showed a little initiative and guts?

These are the kinds of questions that NY has caused me to ask myself.

I am surrounded by successful people EVERYWHERE. People making their living doing EXACTLY what they are passionate about, taking risks, not compromising and making a great living from their work. This is incredibly inspiring to me.

So now that I KNOW that this kind of life is possible and that even regular people are doing it. I have to ask..how do I make this a REALITY for me?

A little background on my experience as an actor in NY...

In 2009, I went to over 200 theatre auditions here. I got three callbacks and booked one show.

That. Was. An. Exhausting. Year.

Just awful.

Let's not even talk about how devastating that year was for me financially or psychologically... Needless to say, to continue with that approach to my career was not a sustainable business model or healthy for my soul.

However, I acknowledge that I am an experiential learner...and I feel like I had to experience that awfulness for myself in order to know that it wasn't going to work for me.

Picture this...

200 mornings...waking up at the crack-of-dawn to stand in line with hundreds of other "me" types...all of us wanting jobs...needing to pay our rent...hoping to get an audition appointment and be "seen" for 2 minutes...sing our 16-bar-cut or speak a short monologue...and maaaaaybe be remembered by the casting assistant's intern behind the audition table...in hopes that you'd be that one "perfect" person for the job and your headshot would end up in front of someone with "actual casting authority." Such is the life of an agent-less actor. I realized that even with my Equity Card it was a looooong shot, but I kept "showing up" because I thought it was a numbers game...and EVENTUALLY I'd book something...and then I'd be "happy." Well...eventually, I did book a job...but...HAPPY?...Not so much. That job was not creatively fulfilling and it was over, start-to-finish, in less than 5 months...and back to the audition circuit I'd go.

This is not what I thought life as an actor would be...this life is not fun. Why do I feel like I'm desperately begging for a job every day? Bleh.

"Wrong approach, Wilcox. Sorry, Sweet Heart. The juice ain't worth the squeeze."

"There's gotta be a better way!"

I had to do SOMETHING differently. Because giving up acting for good was NOT AN OPTION.

I thought to myself, "You're not in Northern California anymore, Virginia. This is N.Y.C. There are new rules to this game. And you've got to learn them and figure out how YOU are going to be able to play YOUR way and not feel like you're being played. How are you going to be able to create an acting career in New York City that's... A. economically sustainable (gotta pay the rent and not get into debt) and B. creatively fulfilling (this is what you LOVE to do, right?) Being actor in NY is NOT an easy task or for the faint-of-heart or the "dabbler." You've got to be COMMITTED to failing and taking risks and thinking outside-the-box in order to LEARN how to make this career happen for you."

And I discovered that...I don't like feeling like the "long-shot" at an audition. I hate walking into the room and feeling like the casting director is thinking, "Virginia Wilcox, who? And why should I care?...NEXT." Actually...that's what I was thinking when I walked into the room...And THAT was the REAL problem.

I realized that I had get to a place in my own head where I could feel like the "sure-thing"... Eventually, I would like to be the person that walks into the audition room and the casting director's reaction is "Oh, thank goodness Virginia Wilcox is here. I love her work." So how do I get THERE?

I am still in the process of discovering the answer to this question. I'm hoping that part of the answer will be the confidence and exposure I will gain from my grad school experience.

But the most urgent question that pertains to NOW... is... What do I need to do TODAY to get myself on that path?

"It's often from a sense of discontent, feelings of incompleteness, or even a twinge of true unhappiness that the seeds of great accomplishment are sown." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

I didn't want to buy into the "starving actor" mentality anymore. I'm not interested in "surviving" as an actor. I want to THRIVE as an actor.

So, what did I do after my marathon 200 audition year? I did what every self-respecting actor/actress in their right mind would do...I stopped auditioning and got a "day-job."

F*%k auditioning...I have to eat, make rent and these credit card bills are NOT going to pay themselves.

:-p

But what about acting? Was Virginia Wilcox giving up?! Maybe... maybe not...

"A young woman with an extra ten or twenty thousand in her pocket has a lot more room to maneuver than a girl who's broke at the end of every month...There's no disgrace in waiting tables if it's part of a long-term strategy." - Hugh MacLeod (taken from Tim Ferris' blog)

I knew I needed to figure out a strategy before I could move forward again... I knew that what I'd been doing wasn't working and wasn't making me happy and that if I continued on that path that it'd ultimately lead me to damage my love for acting (NO!!!). I couldn't let the challenges and competitive nature of the "business" destroy my desire to participate in this art form.


But what exactly was getting in my way? How could I approach all this in a smarter more fulfilling way?

And more specifically, was I really ready and willing to let go of everything in my life that's keeping me from my goal...thoughts, habits, relationships...anything that doesn't support me or has become unhealthy and no longer serves me...Would I really be brave enough to let it all go in service to my dream?

Scary.

Needs support.

Needs inspiration.

Needs to know that the juice will be worth the squeeze.

I became drawn to stories of successful people and how they became who they are today. Though many famous people I admire have amazing stories...I felt a certain distance from many of their tales because a lot of them started out with more resources in life than I felt I had. So, in my mind, I thought...well...NATURALLY they'd be successful...if they came from money... or if they were BORN into a family of industry leaders...or they found an influential MENTOR early in their life that enabled them entry into their field of choice. But those were not my circumstances.

So I kept searching until I found a story of an ORDINARY person, with similar resources to my own, no significant advantages to speak of, that found a smart and self-loving way to make their dreams happen in spite of the odds...

And that person was not an actor (surprise!) and came from the most unlikely of places...Guam...His name is Leo Babauta and it's his success story that has inspired me the MOST!


From Leo I have learned HOW to get over resistance to doing something you've never thought yourself capable of before and HOW changing your life in small ways can lead to changing your life in BIG ways...

READ LEO'S STORY HERE.

If Leo found a way to achieve his goals, then I can too! And my way may be slightly different than his way...but I will use his tools and adapt them to my own needs.

Some improve-your-habits-to-change-your-life guidance from Leo:

• Do one habit at a time.
• Make it easy to do.
• Do it consciously, very consciously at first.
• Don't allow any exceptions.
• Post your progress publicly.
• Keep doing it every single day.
• Enjoy the habit.

Sounds like a description of AcceptanceProjectNYC, huh?

Yes. I am totally unoriginal. All my good ideas are stolen and regurgitated from others.

Maybe that's my true calling...selective regurgitation.  ;-)

Anyway...

Leo inspires me because his is a story of an ORDINARY man, with ORDINARY resources, and with EXTRAORDINARY aspirations. He has completely changed his life... all because he was unhappy with the way things were going and he wanted a change. And he figured out a way to make the changes in his life soooooo easy and soooooo simple, that he couldn't make excuses for not doing it. For him, he made TINY changes...one thing at a time, one day at a time, step by step, inch by inch...nothing sweeping or grand. But NOW...all of those little moment-to-moment decisions have added up and he's living the life of his DREAMS and loving the life he's created.

I've been following his blog for a couple of years now. He's had such a HUGE impact on my life. But it's funny... I've never contacted him once, or commented on his blog or anything. He's changed my life by telling his story and he'll probably never know my name!

That's the beauty of the internet, I suppose. You put yourself out there...and somebody's happy to read what you've written. (You'll never really know the impact you've had on people. And that's probably best anyway, 'cause it's really too overwhelming to process psychologically.)

Thank you, Leo...for sharing your story. It has motivated me to stop sitting around and waiting for the life I wanted to find me...Now I'm taking action to create it, one tiny moment and one blog post at a time.

So hopefully, in the future I'll be able to make a whole huge awesome list of things I've accomplished with these baby steps...things that will have great meaning to me...because I took the reigns of my own life and did what I could to get the ball rolling.

I'm my own knight in shining armor...saving my own inner damsel in distress. And I know that no matter what happens with the "outcome" of this grad school goal, we're gonna live happily ever after.

Thank you to all of YOU, my readers, who CARE about pursuing your dreams! Please know that I am personally invested in your success! It's always such a thrill for me to press "send" and know that you're reading! And I'll keep showing up on this blog...6 days a week. Because I TRULY BELIEVE that you can create EXACTLY the kind of life you've always secretly imagined, by doing a little bit every day to move yourself in the direction of your dreams.

We're gonna get there, people. Where ever "there" is exactly...will become clear later. But, right now, at least we're on the way.

You may say that I'm a dreamer...but I'm not the only one,
Virginia

"Think only as you can think, which will lead to feelings that only you can feel, from which connections will be made, lives will be changed, and worlds will come tumbling into existence." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

88. In Love

"If you are doing something that you don't enjoy and you don't have the gratification of success, failure is particularly painful. But doing what you love is itself the reward." - Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

You know what is the most amazing feeling in the world? Doing what you love and realizing in that very moment... that you truly LOVE it.

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

Just had the most kick-ass monologue coaching session with Kathryn Bild. Love this character I get to play soooo much! She has so many great ideas! Just saying the words and getting to live truthfully in her imaginary circumstances...now that's my idea of PLAY!!!! Oh, it makes me feel like a KID!

I am seriously IN LOVE with acting.

"Absence diminishes commonplace passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and kindles fire." - Francois duc de La Rochefoucauld, moralist (1613-1680)

It's so funny to me... how my hiatus from acting has made me soooooo aware of how much I relish every single moment that I get to do it now. I cannot WAIT to get back to it full-time and stop renting my soul to big-business-on-Madison-Ave.

Cannot wait to say...

"It's been fun, Madison Ave...Learned a lot from you... but I've seen the writing on the wall. You and I are not meant to be together forever. You've helped me to survive in New York and for that I am truly grateful. But it's just a matter of time before we shall be parting ways. Don't worry...there will be another happy monkey (or 20) to fill my seat. I promise. Soon you won't even remember that I was ever a part of your world. Wish I could say I'll miss you...but I just don't think so. Thanks for the support, though, and for the free lunches and for the memories. Bye-bye."

Sigh...soon... very soon.

"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it." - Hardy D. Jackson

I have come to the realization that if I am going to contribute my life's energy to something...I want that something to be telling stories through acting...not working on Excel spreadsheets and answering phones and administratively assisting.

I could work for the rest of my life behind a desk and be very "successful" and surround myself with comforts and be safe. But... it wouldn't FEEL successful to me. Because I don't WANT to work behind a desk. I don't LOVE that kind of life. I know that I have so much more to give than my 60wpm. I want a job that MOVES me.. that challenges me!!! ... Where I can use my body, my mind, my soul, my thoughts and my brain to BE INSIDE another person's story... thus expanding my own life experience and the experiences of others.

I get so ridiculously giddy about being able to say lines and pretend to be someone else. I am a total goof-ball! It's actually embarrassing how "into it" I am. I mean, I wish I could be a little more "cool" about it...But it'd just be a freakin' lie. I am a total geek. Hee, hee!!!

Acting is so f-ing FUN!!!!!

DO THE WORK THAT YOU LOVE, PEOPLE! Whatever it is. Do it. Then sleep. Then eat. Then do more of the thing that you LOVE. Then repeat. Then take a bathroom break. Then more of the love thing. Feel your blood pumping and your heart opening? Yeah. That's IT! That's your spending your life WELL. Keep going... And then repeat. Endlessly repeat.

Loves,
V

"The best career advice to give the young is, find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it." - Katherine Whilehaen

85. Shortcuts

"Why should there be a shortcut in learning how to act? How about just letting it take the time that it takes?" - Kathryn Bild, Acting From A Spiritual Perspective

Even with a job you LOVE to do, there may be certain aspects of it that you aren't particularly fond of. You muscle through the not-so-pleasant parts to get to the parts that you really, really enjoy because it's worth the effort.

As you all know... I love acting. It is my dream job. However, I don't love EVERYTHING about acting. There are certain requirements of the job that I find...challenging...and have some resistance to mastering.

One aspect in particular that I'm struggling with today is...MEMORIZATION.

I allllllways want to fast-forward to the part where I already know the lines. That part feels great!!! I love already having the lines memorized...It's the process of memorization that I often find slooooow and tedious.

I know that memorization is super important for quality acting. And I'm not the only one who thinks so, here's some solid advice from a pro:

"Know your damn lines. Know your lines inside and out, to the point at which they become secondhand...there's a certain ease that you have with your dialogue where you can play around. And the ability to play around comes with being prepared and knowing who your character is and what they're going to say. Then you can improv and do other things, because you have the roots and you can create the branches and leaves. But you have to know the fundamentals, and the most important fundamental is: Know what you're going to say." - Leonardo DiCaprio, Backstage, November 23, 2011, Interview with Jenelle Riley

I mean...I have to heartily agree with Mr. DiCaprio. Gotta know them lines!

Since I don't have a photographic memory and I'm not someone who can just glance at a script a couple times and miraculously know the words...I have to take lots of TIME to memorize. There's really no way around this.

I just have to stop spending my precious time WISHING I could memorize faster and start ACTUALLY reading the script out loud.

I am an auditory learner. So it helps for me to record myself saying the lines and listen to it while I'm walking or doing some kind of secondary activity. That helps it sink in to my brain.

Speaking the words is the best. The more I SAY them and actually feel them in my mouth...the better.

One thing that always worries me...Is that I'll get into a certain PATTERN in the way the words are spoken. But I have learned over the years that I actually use this "worry" as an excuse to procrastinate memorizing. And it's not really an issue for me at all...Just a fear.

I know that I am capable of breaking an ingrained vocal pattern...For example, I know one of Emily's monologues from Our Town better than anything (because I've been doing it since I was 13 years old)... and I have complete control in giving variety to the way I say that monologue... and for the very reasons that Mr. DiCaprio mentions above...I know EXACTLY what Emily is going to say...so I can feel 100% free to PLAY with it and I am NEVER concerned about losing my place or forgetting what comes next. Not to say that I'm anticipating what's coming next...NO. I am perfectly free knowing that I can fully live in the moment and feel good knowing that the line for the next moment will be there for me when I need to access it in my brain. I could do that monologue while standing on my head and being pummeled with cream pies. Now THAT's a good feeling.

So...gotta get on this memorization thing for my monologues for grad school auditions...One's already memorized. I've got three more to go.

Sometimes writing it over and over again helps too. I do like writing.

;-p

Memorizing just takes so much TIIIIIIIME. I wish there was a computer chip I could insert into my brain with all of the info loaded onto it.

"There aren't shortcuts. Merely direct paths. Most people don't take them, because they frighten us. Things that look like shortcuts are usually detours disguised as less work." - Seth Godin

Stop whining, Wilcox! You're wasting your energy. The more you DO it the better you will get at it. So smile and do what you know will help you get the words in your head!

Allow yourself to enjoy the process.

It could be worse...you could be memorizing the periodic table of elements. Bleh!

...Where's my script!?

Loves,
V

"I don't find acting very easy. It's a lot of hard work for me. But I love it. I love the homework, the research, and the solitude that goes into a part." - Bob Hoskins

60. Back Stage

"Get to your bottom line. Figure out who you are, uniquely, at your core and name it. Be consistently and authentically you. Be your own Tiger. Because you'll never be sorry about that." - Christina Shipp, The Savvy Actor

I love reading the articles, interviews and advice columns in Back Stage (the trade newspaper for actors). I've been an actor for most of my life, but just got my own subscription to Back Stage about a year ago. 

Why now?... I realized that for an actor, not reading Back Stage was sort-of like a finance-guy never reading the Wall Street Journal. 

How can you know what's going on in your industry? I figured, if I am really serious about being a professional actor, I'd better provide myself with some solid resources coming into my mailbox each week. It'll keep me in-touch with "the business"... even as I dabble in day-job-land... for now.

I also get the Equity Newsletter and have a subscription to American Theatre Magazine. I am sure there are many, many, many more resources that I could subscribe to that would also be very helpful to building my knowledge about "the industry." But I've got to start with SOMEWHERE... So these three resources seemed like the best start at keeping myself aware of what's going on in the acting world... and Back Stage has been an especially valuable investment.

For those of you that are like... "What the heck is Back Stage?" See the quote below, taken directly from the BackStage.com FAQ... 

If you already know all about it... then you can just scroll-down to the next section...

What is Back Stage?
Back Stage is the actor's resource, a brand that aims to give actors all the information they need to succeed. In practical terms, it is actually two products: a national newspaper and a website. The newspaper is sold on newsstands in New York, Los Angeles, and select other areas, as well as nationwide by subscription. 

First and foremost for our readers, both in print and online we publish casting calls and production listings, especially for New York City and Los Angeles. Both also include some news, features, columns, and theatre reviews. 

In the newspaper, we publish current events as well as over a dozen weekly advice columns, many of which never appear on the website. The Back Stage newspaper is best described as a publication to curl up with on a Sunday or take with you on the subway-stories you can savor. 

BackStage.com delivers updated news and casting throughout the day. Plus, BackStage.com offers casting from all over the country-many not available in print. Every week, we publish dozens of notices from areas like Chicago, Miami, Las Vegas, Seattle, Atlanta, Denver and many more. 

Most importantly, web subscribers get free access to our incredible Multimedia Resume Database. With that, you can store your resume, several headshots and audio or video reel-for no extra charge! (Included in the price of membership.) 

BackStage.com also has video, weblogs, and a dynamic message board. We have web-only features and columns. Finally, we have our Actors' Yellow Pages, which allows you to access a wide range of photographers, classes, and more.

Such a worthy investment! 

Most recently I've been loooooving the newspaper interviews with super-top-notch-actors-with-great-craft-and-amazing-careers.

I will share with you two such examples today...

1. Frank Langella

2. Kirsten Dunst

(You can also check-out their bios at IMDB.com... another great resource for info about working actors.)

This is the Frank Langella quote of the day:

"...His career has been defined by many ups and downs and dry periods when he had neither work nor representation. But he never toyed with the idea of doing something else nor even questioned his talent. "When I had difficulty getting work or representation, I told myself it was not a reflection of my ability, but rather a reflection of my demeanor or manner, or it was luck of the draw. I never felt, 'Now I'll go do trash.' My motto is 'Never give up, never give in, if the dream is still strong in you.' If the need to act is so strong it wakes you in the middle of the night, then stay with it."  

He adds, "If you think you'd kind of like to be an actor because it'll get you laid, or you'd kind of like to be an actor because it'll make you famous, or you'd kind of like to be an actor because it'll make you lots of money and you won't have to work much, then you shouldn't be an actor. You should be a commercial commodity." 

And the Kirsten Dunst quote of the day:

"I think for everyone it's good to have your own personal work on a character and a film before you even start rehearsing, to have an inner life. I've always been someone that has, like, "character therapy" between me and whoever I'm playing. I'm the type of actor where when I get on set, I throw it all away, and then it becomes about being in the moment with whoever you're acting with and that inner life. You've worked on it and it's there, but then it's about being there for whatever happens in the scene. I'm not a very "this is planned out" person when I get to set. "This is how I'm going to do it"—I'm never like that. The energy with whoever you're working with and also of the place you're in, the set, or wherever it is. Your environment feeds what you're doing as well. You have to be open to whatever happens and not be afraid. That was the biggest thing from being a young adult actress to now being in films. There's a period where you have to break through this fear. It's okay to do a terrible take. Try something different. Or if you start laughing, or wherever it goes, it doesn't really matter, because by the end of the scene it could come to something really special. If you had this way in your head of thinking about it, it would have fell flat. That's usually the way I work. Also, I'm not a big fan of rehearsal, for the most part. I think when you find something for the first time on film, you get something special."

This is the kind of stuff that "pops-out" at me when I'm reading. 

Thank you, Back Stage, for making these resources available. There's so much to be gleaned by learning from the expertise of actors you respect and admire.

Makes me want to be a better actor myself... and also makes me feel good to know that actors with a strong point-of-view that don't necessarily "fit-the-mold" and aren't always cast according to "type" are some of the most successful actors out there. They've made their own way and get hired for jobs because of WHO THEY ARE and what they bring to a project creatively. 

I greatly admire actors that have created careers that are sustainable, creatively fulfilling, inspiring to others annnnnnd that can actually pay their bills and save for retirement with their actor-paychecks. They choose projects based on what inspires them and work with people that they LOVE and/or will challenge them to grow as artists. Now... THAT's the life.

((((LoVe))))

Dreamin' BIG & takin' cues from the experts,

Virginia

"I’m a big believer in relative expertise. For most purposes, you don’t need to be the world’s foremost expert on something to benefit from what you know. Being expert enough means knowing enough or being good enough to accomplish your goals, however modest or grand they may be. 

Someone once told me to think about expertise as a scale from one to ten, not as an absolute. If you’re a two or three on the scale, you’re expert enough to help people who are ones and twos. In fact, you might be better suited to helping beginners than a ten on the expert scale, because you’re closer to their level and better understand where they’re coming from." - Corbett Bar, Expert Enough

 

25. Motivation Is Better Than Discipline

“Don’t let the “shoulds” of false responsibilities and expectations of others derail you from being fully present, awake and engaged in what you know you need … for yourself.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path 

Big endeavors require a lot of discipline to see through to the end.  Applying to grad school is a many stepped process, that mere fact tends to weed-out folks that are not really willing to put in the work that it takes to apply. Those that stick with it, seeing it through to audition day, tend to be people that are able to demonstrate the discipline it takes to prepare and make things happen for themselves. I applaud them, each and every one!

However, I do not like “discipline.” I don’t like the word and I don’t really like to think of myself as a disciplined person… Though to the outside world, I may resemble one.

I prefer MOTIVATION. I am a motivated person. I do what I do because I am motivated to do so… by love… not by discipline.

Discipline = The heartless shell of motivation.

Soooo, in the interest of feeding my insatiable appetite for motivation…

I spent the weekend completely immersed in the worlds of Yale and NYU theatre. Saturday I took the MetroNorth to New Haven and attended “Three Sisters” at Yale Rep and took the subway on Sunday to see “Clybourne Park” and “Measure For Measure,” on 2nd Ave, NYC, with NYU’s 3^rd Year Grad Actors.

I am very fortunate to live close to both schools, so I am taking full advantage of my proximity.

Here’s what I found to motivate me in continuing toward my goal of acceptance to the grad acting programs at NYU and Yale...

"Three Sisters":

1.       Do I love Chekhov plays?... No. Three hours of fear-filled people complaining, longing, wallowing-in-misery and never actually GOING to Moscow? Not my bag. However, it did make me feel very strong feelings of anger and frustration at those characters' choices. (Not to mention, Les Waters is one of my favorite theatre directors of all time.) And theatre that makes you really FEEL something, well, that’s good theatre. And good theatre is something I’d like to be a part of.

2.       Brian Wiles and Josiah Bania were the two Yale MFA students in the cast of otherwise all AEA  professionals. Though they were cast as very minor characters, the energy and specificity with which they both embodied the lives of these young soldiers made them stand-outs. They raised the temperature of the room when they entered the stage, in a good way. Bravo you MFA students!!! You show those Equity actors how it’s DONE! I want to raise the temperature of the room too!

3.       Just being there, in New Haven, on campus, at the theatre, surrounded by academia… is motivating enough. I love how quiet it is and the beautiful stone buildings and the trees and cute little shops/restaurants and the students milling about discussing their drunk-tweeting binge from the night before.  Yale appeals to my suburban roots.  Drunk tweeting aside, it feels great to be there.

"Clybourne Park" & "Measure For Measure":

1.       "Clybourne Park" is a GREAT play… Not just a good play. It is a GREAT play. It’s timely, smart, well-written, socially-aware, concise, with beautifully complex and fleshed-out characters that you CARE about. NYU can pick ‘em. It was a fantastic choice of material. I’d be GRATEFUL to be able to immerse myself in a piece like that. Seriously. Motivating.

2.       The performances of the 3^rd Year Grad Actors in "Clybourne Park" and "Measure for Measure" were all super solid. Everyone demonstrated the quality of their training mixed with the unique inspiration that only they can bring… that thing that brings a character to LIFE. There were PEOPLE  up on that stage, and when they were at their best they were just BEING up there… LIVING… reacting… listening… It’s such a beautiful thing when you’re in the audience and you forget that it’s a PLAY. It makes me want to play too!

3.       Design… I have to say, the set/costume/lighting design on both productions were really fantastic. The attention to detail and effort that clearly went into every little thing… I mean, WOW! And there were only a hand-full of performances. No matter, they really went all out and it made the experience of watching the show that much more excellent. And excellence is very, very cool.

Soooo, I think I’ve got some nice motivation to keep me boppin’ out of bed at 5am to write this blog… and to work on my monologues and my personal statement and keep going to the gym and eating right and doing all those things that will help me be a solidly prepared candidate for the next class to be accepted at NYU, Yale… or Juilliard.

Discipline? :-p Who needs it? That sounds like torture.

I’ve got me some motivation… and that feels like JOY!

Loves,

V

P.S. For goodness-sakes, if you want to go to Moscow, don't just sit around talking about it for years... GO TO MOSCOW. But remember, when you get there, you're going to have to take yourself with you... so I hope you enjoy your own company! :-)

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” – Wayne Dyer