180. Last Post Of The Project

"You may want something, work hard to achieve it, and in your process achieve something even greater than your original goal. So don't get married to what you imagine is the result of your pursuit, just be involved in the pursuit. Besides, you already have a job. Your job is to be a joyful artist. No one can take that away from you." - Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors

Let's start by revisiting the mission statement of this blog as I envisioned it back in September 2011:

"This is my 3rd year applying to the MFA Acting Programs at NYU and Yale and my 1st year applying at Juilliard. I am blogging to record my process of preparation. From Sept 5th, 2011 to Apr 1st, 2012, I will post 6 days a week on all subjects related to my creative process and my application and audition preparation... Though my short-term goal is to be accepted to the grad school of my dreams, this is but a step toward the long-term goal of building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!"

Did I complete the project according to the guidelines specified above?

Yes.

Do I consider this a success?

Yes.

Did I get accepted to grad school?

The jury is still out, actually...Well, I do know this...It's not Yale and not Juilliard, not this year anyway.

But I am currently an alternate (one of two) for the 2012 entering class for NYU Grad Acting. Soooo I could possibly get a call if someone drops out...even up-to the day before classes begin. OR...I could never hear from them again.

Either way...I got waaaaaaaay further than I have in the past two years that I've auditioned for grad schools...and, more importantly, because of the blog the EXPERIENCE of the entire process was sooooooo much more fun and challenging and rewarding than it ever was before.

Do I consider this a success?

Yes...I'm going for progress. And progress has been made.

One of the other reasons I started this blog, was because I WISHED SO MUCH that someone else had started a blog like this to share their process when I was first auditioning for grad school.

My first year, the process was sooooo lonely and I had NO CLUE what I was doing and I reeeeeeeally wanted to know what the process had REALLY been like for other people that were eventually accepted. I mean, what were they really thinking at the time when they were preparing to audition? Were they really as unsure as I was about whether or not they would succeed at this endeavor?

But I didn't know a lot of people that had been through it, and those that I did know...I was too scared to ask them to reveal all the inner-workings of it all.

And, besides, it's easy to look back in retrospect once you've already succeeded and go "Oh, I did this or that." But what were you ACTUALLY THINKING at the time before you KNEW you'd succeed???...That's what interested me the most.

Were these successful people having the same thoughts and struggles as I was? The same kind of experience? Or did they know some secret that I didn't know? Were those people that had gotten into these programs just as scared as I was that they weren't good enough to "make-it?"...Yet...they made it happen anyway. So if they could do it...why not me?

The nice thing about auditioning for graduate school is...you can keep trying again.

2010 = 1st year of auditioning at NYU &  Yale  = calledback at NYU, but not accepted

2011 = 2nd year of auditioning at NYU & Yale = waitlisted at NYU, but not accepted

Soooooo when I came upon my third year of auditioning at NYU, Yale and now Juilliard (since they now offer an MFA)...and I realized that I had learned a lot about what it takes to make solid showing at grad school auditions...I thought, "Dude! I could write a blog about this! Ha!" And though I am no expert...I am certainly more knowledgeable than I was my first year.

So I decided to write this blog myself since there might be someone like ME out there...auditioning for the first time...wondering what to expect...needing a little inspiration and encouragement to stay focused and keep their head in the game throughout the process. So if that's YOU...then I wrote this blog for YOU...fyi.

On that note, here is a TIME-SAVING TIP FOR USING THIS BLOG and really makes it easier to use (I hope!)...I've included a "TOPICS" section on the right sidebar. See if there are any words that pop out at you that might be reflective of where you are at in YOUR PROCESS or a topic relevant to YOUR LIFE. Click there. Read. The "TOPICS" are a huge time-saver to point you toward cool subject-matter that might be of interest to YOU.

Happy reading!

Next item on the agenda for today...

Just want to take the time to say THANK YOU to some very important people that have supported me along the way to making this blog exist and to help me in having the best possible experience applying to grad school in 2012.

These folks have racked up some seeeeerious positive credit in their good-Karma-accounts...

First and foremost thank you to my 100 EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS!!! You have been the most active participants in this journey. It is for YOU that I have posted every day. Your attention has kept me accountable to staying-with-it through this process and giving it my ALL.

I have always tried to honor your commitment by sending you inspiring quotes, words of encouragement and my own honest personal experience...in hopes that we can all help each other to pursue our creative dreams in our own unique, authentic way.

Thank you for alllll of your comments and emails over the span of the project. (I read every single one. Bloggers are c r a z y about receiving comments from readers. It is our greatest joy.) I know you've had the option to "unsubscribe" every day. So thank you for sticking with me and continuing your subscription throughout the process. You have made a difference in this girl's life. :-)

And thank you to...

Kathryn Bild (my monologue coach and author of my favorite acting book Acting From A Spiritual Perspective)

Adam Gilbert (MyBodyTutor and blogging inspiration)

Dylan Patrick (NYC headshot photographer, who does ammmmmazing work at a totally affordable price and is one of the nicest people you've ever met)

My four friends that agreed to let me interview them and post their words-of-wisdom on the blog:

• Daniel Talbott (Alumni of Juilliard...Actor, director, playwright, producer, literary manager, and artistic director of Rising Phoenix Rep in NYC)
• Bryce Pinkham (Alumni of Yale...Now starring in Ghost: The Musical on Broadway)
• Jeremy Rishe (Alumni of NYU...Actor, producer, director, and co-creator of the web series First World Problem)
• Julie Alexandria (Self-made girl...Actress, host and television personality who specializes in Sports, Pop Culture, Fashion, and all things Geek-tastic.)

And a big THANK YOU to Dorothy Wilcox (my mom) for donating her court-reporting skills and transcribing the interview recordings into text, so that I could post them on the blog for your reading pleasure.

Thanks to the faculty and staff of the acting programs at NYU, Yale and Juilliard. Your job is to create an environment where young actors, like me, can learn and grow and train for a successful career in the performing arts. And all three of your programs strive to do that in the very BEST way for your students. Very admirable. In my humble opinion, it's actor-utopia!

And though I've never been accepted for admission. I still appreciate what you do. You facilitate positive change and artistic growth in young people's creative lives, giving them the tools to succeed and thrive as artists in the "real world." That's AMAZING! Thank you for all the support and guidance that you are giving to the next generation of emerging artists. Our entire world will benefit from this investment.

A special thank you to Robert Parsons for being my teacher, mentor and friend through-out all my years applying grad school and well before then too. Thank you for reminding me that I've "got what it takes" even when I've forgotten what that is exactly. Your enthusiastic support has made me feel like I'm not crazy for choosing this life...and that I WILL be able to support myself financially with my acting-paychecks some day! Thank you for believing in my abilities as an artist and encouraging me to continue to follow my heart.

Thanks to all of the wonderful people that wrote me recommendation letters for Yale, NYU and Juilliard this year. And to those that wrote me letters for my applications in 2011 and 2010, as well. You know who you are! Your support has been essential in this process. Thank you.

Shout-out to Matt Steiner for being an exceptional friend and writing me a very well-timed letter of encouragement that came into my inbox at a very loooooow point in the process for me. He wrote...

"...This project may have felt, at times, like a vehicle to take you to a place where you would then make some great artistic contribution. But, to me, this is the greatest artistic contribution that you could have given to anyone at this point in your life. You've given the rest of us the permission to fail. And in that, you've encouraged us to risk enough to succeed. I'm very proud of you, Virginia. Congratulations." 

I meeeeean, could anyone possibly say anything more encouraging than that? Seriously. And thank you, Matt, for collaborating with me in getting my monologues recorded on video and uploaded to YouTube. The whole process was a JOY because of you. Thanks for helping to make that happen!

Thank you to Ms. Brittany V. Green for writing the guest posts about your NYU Callback Weekend. And congratulations on your acceptance!...With a scholarship to boot! You are going to grow sooooo much from the experience! Cannot wait to see what's next for you! So happy that we connected at Juilliard callbacks. Congrats on NYU.

Thanks to all those folks that attended the MIXER and the VISION BOARD PARTY! Soooo much fun. And if anyone else out there has completed a vision board for 2012...email me a photo and I'll post it on the blog!

HUGE THANK YOU to Adam Baker of ManVsDebt for interviewing me for his documentary. I'm Fine,Thanks. It's scheduled for release in Summer 2012. Best of luck with the rest of the filming and editing process. I think it's an incredibly timely and moving project that's taking a time to reflect on the issue of complacency in our modern society. I cannot wait to see it!!!

And thanks to alll of the other bloggers that have inspired me with their incredible words of wisdom...I don't think I've ever commented on a single one of your blogs...but you've changed my life anyway...by sharing your experiences online. You're in my inbox daily. I am grateful to: Zen Habits, Everyday Bright, Happiness Project, Seth Godin, Ramit Sethi, Jonathan Fields, Stephen Pressfield and Ken Davenport.

If you want inspiring new perspectives coming into your inbox every day...I'd highly recommend subscribing to any of these blogs.

Four authors that have inspired me beyond what my limited vocabulary can express: Dr. Wayne Dyer, Anna Deavere Smith, Jack Plotnick and Julia Cameron. You've given me support, guidance and mentorship through your written words. You've helped me relocate my core whenever I've lost my focus, forgotten who I am or what is truly important to me. Thank you for taking the time to write.

Some special mentions...Anna Alaimo, Jessica Raaum, Josh Heath, Haley Pulli, Alexis Jeanene, Dione Rábago, Marisa Abdoo, Claire Kennedy-Vega, Keola Simpson, Peter Evans, Chris Fore, Erin Shaw, Vanessa Nelson, Mary Schneider, Jake DeGroot, Alysha Umphress, Christine Kapp, Clint Alexander, Stephen Kling, Joey Costello, Nick Dothée, Laura Ware...and many, many more...You have alllll allowed me to talk-my-face-off about creative process and acting and blogging and dreams and hopes and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da...and you've all listened and nodded and responded in kind and made me feel like you all care. So thanks for being my friends!

Thank you also...to everyone that has NOT been supportive of this project...to everyone that has unsubscribed...to everyone that has made snarky/judgemental comments...to everyone that has looked at me like I'm totally INSANE when I've told them about what I'm doing. You have made me stronger by reminding me that I am not looking to others for outside approval in order to motivate me to do this project, but that it is my own inner creative aspiration to grow as a human being that ultimately keeps me going.

I have learned that by doing the best job that I can with this project, my commitment to daily practice will result in an improvement of my skills and that by having FUN with the process I am able to release my attachment to the outcome.

The PROCESS is the point.

It is ME I have to inspire and impress. THAT'S HOW TO BUILD CONFIDENCE. So thank you to all the nay-sayers. You've been truly motivating force.

Annnnnnd....Thanks to alllll the folks that have stumbled upon my blog from Sept 5, 2011 to Apr 1, 2012...and to all of you that will read the blog in the future!


Many of you have found the blog through Google or FB or Twitter or a recommendation from a friend...Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to leave comments or email me. I'll do my best to respond.

(You know what totally blows my mind?...Up to this point I've had over 28,000 hits. Wowzers! Who knew so many people would be interested in reading about this subject?! Crazy, right?)

Oh! And thank you to all the folks at my day-job. You don't know how much you all mean to me. And though I haven't told any of you about this project...yet...I love you all and look forward to seeing you at the office every day. My time with you is limited and therefore I appreciate it all the more.

And last, but not least, thank you to the higher power...God...the Universe...whatever you'd like to be called. I know that you are working your magic in my life and I am grateful for your silent protection and the loving gift you've given me...this life. I will continue to try and do my best with all that I've been given every day.

Those are my "thank yous."


So what's next for me?

Who knows?

But if you want me to keep you posted...you'll have to subscribe by email. That way, any updates I post will be sent straight to your inbox.

I will NOT be posting six days a week anymore. (LOL! I need to have TIME to do other things again.) But I will let you know what happens with NYU...for sure. And if I decide to apply to grad school again next year... And...if there's anything else that I feel INSPIRED to post about...that I think might be relevant and interesting to you guys...I promise I'll post about that stuff, as it comes up.

Thanks for reading.

Best wishes to all for 2012 and beyond.

Loves,
Virginia Wilcox

"There's nothing anyone can do to prevent you from reaching your potential; the challenge is for you to identify your dream, develop the skills to get there, and exhibit character and leadership. Then, you need to have the courage to periodically reassess, make adjustments, and pursue a course that reflects who you truly are." - Robert S. Kaplan, "Reaching Your Potential," Harvard Business Review

P.S. I'll leave you with this...

(Thanks, NKD.)

172. Looking Forward

"Nobody can tell you who you are. It would just be another concept, so it would not change you. Who you are requires no belief. In fact, every belief is an obstacle. It does not even require your realization, since you already are who you are. But without realization, who you are does not shine forth into this world... You are like an apparently poor person who does not know he has a bank account with $100 million in it and so his wealth remains an unexpressed potential." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Letting go of a belief is a hard process.

I've believed for a looooooong time that the BEST POSSIBLE NEXT STEP on my career path would be to attend Yale, NYU or Juilliard. There were many, many factors that lead me to this belief, some of which you can read about by CLICKING HERE.

In the past two years, when auditioning for grad school, I allllllways felt like I had held something back...That I was so intent on "getting in" and impressing them, that I wasn't able to show my true self. I was too scared to be vulnerable. I kept trying again because I knew that I could do better, because I had never really been able to let go of my fear that I am truly unworthy of acceptance to one of these top schools...and so, I think I was unconsciously sabotaging my performance.

But this year, I can HONESTLY say that I changed my belief and chose to GIVE MY ALL. I cannot IMAGINE being better prepared or more ready to be in-the-moment and play. And because of my blogging 6-days-a-week...I also knew exactly WHY I wanted to be there and felt confident articulating that....to anyone willing to listen. ;-p

And my auditions went incredibly well. I made it through "the first cut" at all three schools, including Yale (which was a major accomplishment, since I'd never gotten that far before). And I am thrilled to say that I made it to the "end of the day" at both my NYU Grad Acting audition and my Juilliard audition.

This year I felt like I had completely held up my end of the bargain. I did my VERY BEST...and left the rest up to the universe.

And apparently...the universe has other plans for me than attending grad school, since I did not make it to final callbacks for any of these schools.

So now...I'm having to take a good look at my belief...Is grad school really the best possible next step for me?

What else is possible for me?

Am I ready to let go of my grad school dreams?

Or do I want to try auditioning again next year?

What are the other avenues I could pursue to attain my overarching goal?...Building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!

I don't know the answers to any of these questions yet...Nor do I need to.

But I do think they're very important questions to be asking myself at this point.

I do know that I am soooooo tired of pursuing this dream alone. I need EXPERT GUIDANCE and MENTORSHIP to make my dreams a reality...

"As artists, we are open-minded but we need not be gullible. Many of the  people purporting to be able to help us shape our craft have very little experience with crafting something themselves. What we are looking for is people who have done what we want to do -- not someone who has watched others do it...When "help" is volunteered, we must be certain it is timely and actually helpful." - Julia Cameron, Walking In This World

So if you know someone in New York that might be a good mentor for me...Someone that is currently thriving as an creative person, making an abundant living as an actor in theatre/tv/film/voiceover, has a fantabulous relationship with their agent and is fearless, has a positive out-look on life and is interested in mentoring a highly-motivated and dedicated young actress/blogger named Virginia Wilcox...please email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. I will consider all applicants. :-)

I do believe that a solid relationship with a mentor would help me immensely.

Do I believe that I can have the kind of successful career as an actor that I've been dreaming of...without an MFA from Yale, Juilliard or NYU?....Hmmmm. That's a good question.

I guess the honest answer for right now is...no...I do not believe that I will do as well in my career without the experience of earning an MFA from one of these schools and becoming a valued member of the artistic communities associated with these institutions.

Soooooo gotta look at changing that belief perhaps! Because if I don't believe it's possible...it ain't gonna happen.

Whatever does happen next...I know it will be joyful...and good...if I allow it to be. 

My life is unfolding just the way it's supposed to...even though it's certainly not happening the way I had hoped or planned.

"It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end." - Ursula K. Le Guin 

I'm okay. I am having fun with the journey! 

And I am happy that on April 1st I will be able to say that I've SUCCESSFULLY completed exactly what I set out to do: write 180 blog posts about my creative process of applying to grad school for the third time. That's a truly unique accomplishment...and out of the thousands of people that auditioned for grad school this year, I can confidently say that I'm the only one who's done THAT...It may be a weird to have a blog about auditioning for grad school, but I think it was worth it. It's been an incredible commitment device. I see the value in it anyway...and that makes me feel good....no matter what anyone else may think.

And I'm grateful for my life's many blessings....I can pay my rent...and eat...and I have a warm bed. I live in a free country. I'm safe. I'm healthy...and that's what REALLY matters.

Looking forward to the possibilities and the impossibilities that 2012 may bring...

Love to you all,

Virginia

P.S. What are the limiting beliefs that you have about your own life that may be keeping you in stasis? How can you begin to let them go?

162. Interview with Bryce Pinkham (Yale) - Part Three

"Some actors just have an inherent star quality. When I'm watching an audition, I think, "Is that actor going to make me stop flipping through channels?" Basically, someone who has immense watchablility in combination with acting ability and confidence. The truth of it is, when producers and networks set out to cast a show, there's always a bit of insecurity about being able to find the right person. I believe part of the actor's job is to show us his or her confidence in doing the role." - Marcia Shulman, Casting Director

(This is PART THREE of the interview with Yale graduate Bryce Pinkham. Click HERE to read PART ONE and HERE to read PART TWO. This interview was conducted at Cellini Restaurant on E. 54th St. in New York City on January 6, 2012, and was lovingly transcribed by my mother, Dorothy Wilcox. Thanks, MOM!)

(Bryce Pinkham...on Bway in Ghost:The Musical.)

Virginia: So at this point in your career, you’ve gotten the chance to work with a lot of great people on different projects, at school and outside of school. And how much do you feel that this idea of embracing failure or leaning into fear, rather than pushing away from it,.... you know, that kind of an attitude, is a factor in being successful in a career as an actor?

Bryce: I think it works differently for different people. But I think any actor that you respect as an artist would be able to rattle off numerous times that they were terrible or felt like a failure. I think that it’s inherent in the attempt. And I think for people who can’t admit that or those that fail to rearrange their relationship or value towards failure, that it can be difficult because – listen, we talked about auditioning. We fail 90% of the time by the numbers. I don’t even know what the numbers are – one out of ten, who knows? I’ve failed more times than jobs that I’ve had. The entire number of jobs that I’ve had in three years out of grad school, it doesn’t match up to the number of jobs that I’ve failed to get in one year. So, you know, proportionately it makes sense to make friends with that part of the job. And I think there are plenty of people who do it and do it well. So it relaxes you. A lot of this stuff you learn in grad school, it relaxes you so that you can allow your most honest moments to come up and come out and so that you can express something unique as opposed to shaping something that you think is what the audience or the director or your scene partner wants to see in you.

So I think rearranging you position on failure relaxes you because you realize it’s inevitable. So you don’t have to wait and say, "Well, what if this is the one where I fail?" Well, chances are I will, so why don’t I just enjoy the pursuit and also do the thing I really want to do. What’s the thing in this audition or in this performance of a character that excites me, that I want to work on, that I want to explore as an artist? Because in the end, you know, that’s what you get out of it...

And truth be told -- in certain situations failure is not an option, right? I mean, there are different levels of it. I’m not saying it’s okay to go out on a Broadway stage and suck. But it’s okay to out on a Broadway AUDITION and suck and say, "That was terrible, wasn’t it, can I try again? ‘Cause I know I can do it better than that. That was just messy."  So there’s a difference, to be clear.

Virginia: I was reading a blog from this great blogger that I really enjoy, Seth Godin. He’s really into business and marketing and things like that, you know, entrepreneurialism and the tech world. And you know, those startups fail all the time. People start a new business and it fails and they learn from it and they go on and start a different one and it fails. So it’s very similar to the acting world in the way, that you know you're going in with this idea, this dream, this vision of what you want to create and you have to get other people on board with it and sometimes it’s awesome and sometimes it’s terrible. You know, we as artists have to do that all the time...get these people on board. And Seth was talking about, in one of his blogs, the difference between mistakes and failure. He’s like, you want to avoid mistakes and you want to embrace failure. I think in our work as actors, you want to walk into an audition trying to avoid the mistakes.... but big-time embracing the failure... because that’s the thing that’s going to help you to succeed – I love what you said about bringing that uniqueness to it. You’re not there to get it RIGHT. You’re there to bring whatever it is that you feel that you can uniquely bring to that job. And if you’re so busy trying to get it "right" that you don’t bring that uniqueness... then, you know, that’s a MISTAKE.

Bryce: Well, as it relates to grad school auditions, I think if you try, as I said, embracing the ridiculousness of the whole thing, if you take a minute and think, okay, Yale sees this many auditions a year and this is the number that they take, these are my odds. If you really take that seriously, you probably wouldn’t even walk in the room. And it’s the reason that half the people that do walk in the rooms are not interesting the minute they walk in because they’re already apologizing for the fact that they don’t think they’re right, or they don’t think they’re what the school is looking for...as opposed to people who walk in and say, well, I may go down but I’m going to go down in flames. That’s not from me. That’s from a teacher of mine who said that to us, I think, on our first day of grad school. He said, "You’re going to go down, but it’s your choice whether or not to go down in flames."  So I try to do that as much as I can bear.

Virginia: So you try to go down in flames as often as possible?  :)

Bryce: If I’m going down, yes. I say if I’m going to make a choice that could be "wrong" or "not what they’re looking for," at least it’s going to be a strong choice. It’s going to be a BOLD choice. I’m not going to hint at making a choice. I’m going to make it, and then if they say, "You know what, that was not really what we were looking for. Could you try this?" I’m going to say, "Absolutely. Sure. Let me just ditch that terrible choice that I made and then I’d be happy to do whatever you’d like."

This is something else for auditioning I try to embody... This is something I learned I think from Joanna Merlin’s book about auditioning way back in undergrad. I read about treating the audition as if it is actually a party that you’re hosting and everyone there is looking to you for their enjoyment, but you’re also a little bit in charge, not even a little bit, YOU'RE IN CHARGE. The minute you walk into the room you say, "Oh thank you for all joining me at my party, and what can I get you? Would you like a song first? Would you like me to do a scene that I’ve prepared for you first? Oh, you would? Excellent choice. I’ve prepared this beautiful little cake of a scene and you can have a piece now. There’s more of it if you’d like, but please don’t feel you have to eat it all. I’ve also got a song, if you’d like to hear that. I’m very proud of it."  And even the best party hosts [have bad days], maybe the cake is burned and the punch is, you know, bad... But the way they present it is half the battle, I think. I always tell people when I’m coaching them for specific auditions, not necessarily for grad school but for more professional stuff, you don’t have to get out of the room right away. Nobody leaves their own party until they're done. I’m not saying... refuse to leave. But what I’m saying is... you don’t have to finish, [speaks very quickly] okay, thank you so much for seeing me. I’m outta here! [slows down, speaking pleasantly, calmly] Thank you so much. Can I get you anything else?...It’s just a different sort of –

Virginia: -- attitude.

Bryce: -- yeah, it’s a different way of approaching the entire thing. And it’s also a way of approaching people when you show up. TAKE YOUR TIME.... I mean, I take my time, and I say hi to everybody in the room. I look them in the eyes. I say hello. Or if it feels like it’s something that’s moving along, I try not to overstay my welcome. But I try not to let people rush me.

Virginia: Right. It’s your moment.

Bryce: Right. I prepared. I spent hours out of my precious time preparing for this. And whether or not you’ve already decided that I’m not the one for this part, that’s fine. That’s you. But for me, I’ve prepared the song, and I’m going to sing it. If you want to stop me in the middle of it, I’m fine with that because "I’m the party host," and I say, "Oh, sure, I’m sorry that was not exactly what you were hoping for. But my intent is that you’re going to eat all of the cake, and you’re going to love it... ‘cause I took time to make it."

Virginia: I love that.

Bryce: And I’m proud of that cake I made... That’s the other thing I always tell people, and this is important in the clown work– and I think I‘ve told you this before – in choosing material, never bring something into the room that you’re not proud of because we can tell. Even if it’s the mangiest little gift, you know, the little burned cake... But if you made it yourself and it’s one you’re proud of, it’s one YOU LIKE, it’s going to taste that much better to us, rather than the one you bought at Whole Foods... And it’s going to mean that much more to us, that you brought it and you thought about it. "I bet they’d really like this special nut cake. I’m not exactly sure how to do it, but I’m going to try."  As opposed to, "Well, I could just pick up an ice cream cake at Baskin Robbins." -- to put in a youthful reference, 31 Flavors.

Virginia: Nice.

Bryce: So yeah, I hope that’s helpful.

Virginia: Oh, my gosh, that’s fantastic!...This is just a fun little question not really related to grad school. What advice would you give to your 16-year-old self if you could send yourself a little note back in time?

Bryce: Stretch, start stretching, stretch.

Virginia: Like physically stretching?

Bryce: Stretch yourself every day. I hated stretching. I was an athlete and I just hated warming up. And I hated stretching. And I would go back, and I would really slap myself around and I would say–

Virginia: Learn to love it.

Bryce: Yeah, learn to love it. Get used to the pleasure/pain of it and stretch yourself. I would also tell myself to learn piano. Yeah, I mean, there are technical things like that.... Hmmm, 16.... I’m trying to think of advice or criticism....I’m pretty happy with where 16-year-old me got me, so I wouldn’t want him to do anything that much different.

Virginia: Well, there ya go!

Bryce: Other than... not worry maybe so much about it. There’s a healthy amount of worry and then there’s an unhealthy amount...When you get in to "living in the details" as opposed to seeing a slightly bigger picture...Which is what I still say that to my 29-year-old self right now.

Virginia: Right.

Bryce: You know, sometimes you have to really marvel at the fact that we’re even able to do something as ridiculous as follow a dream like this. There are people in our world that... it’s just inconceivable to them. You have to remind yourself of that. Even when it’s not working out, it’s a privilege to even get to TRY and to have the means and the support from family and friends and everything. To be able to do it, you know what I mean?

Virginia: Yes!  <3

Bryce: I would say,... You know what? BE HUMBLE... because the fact that you’re even thinking about going to college is a big deal. That’s a BIG DEAL, going to college. Families go whole generations without sending somebody to college, so take none of it lightly.

:-)

(More to come...tomorrow. Hope you're enjoying the conversation!)

Loves,
V

"Stretch, stretch, stretch to see every perspective and nothing will keep you from joy." - Mike Dooley

149. Sick In The Head

"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." - Hippocrates

The past three days have been something of a blurrrrr. Fever, coughing, chills, hot/cold flashes, awfulness, ickyness, bleh, bleh, bleh.

As I have been dealing with this nasty flu virus that has taken over my body and realigned all of my current priorities, (Breathing has suddenly become #1...and is currently taking the most effort.) I have been aware of how negative my thoughts have been as well.

We're talking...DISASTER SCENARIOS...imagining myself in total calamity-mode...you know the kind of thing...dying alone...being totally physically incapacitated...losing everything I value...losing everyone I love...

Fun stuff, right?

And in my fever/illness/insanity all of these negative imaginings seem REAL to me. I mean, how can my body tell the difference between a "real thought" and an "imagined thought"? It can't. My body reacts to these emotionally devastating thoughts with elevated heart-rate, sweating, anxiety and depression as if they were REAL. 

Fight or flight...It ain't no joke.

But it's NOT REAL, Virginia! It's just brain static...like the radio coming through with a weak signal and you can barely make out the true voice on the other end through all the NOISE.

It got me thinking...Am I sick and therefore having negative thoughts? Or have my negative thoughts been contributing to my sickness?

The mind/body connection cannot be underestimated.

So where did I turn for answers? Naturally, I went straight to our modern-day oracle of universal knowledge: Google.

This is what I found...

Negative thinking can do more than just give you a bad attitude. Some researchers believe negative thinking may actually block impulses being transmitted to the brain from the central nervous system. The breakdown in communication could cause the body to receive information on a delayed basis. Negative thinking may even prevent the body from producing certain hormones in the body which could affect the immune system. These interruptions in the body’s functions could result in fatigue, higher susceptibility to illnesses, and trouble sleeping. 

The premise that negative thinking can interfere with the body’s function may still be just a theory, but there are certainly adverse physical effects associated with a chronic negative thinker. Rates of depression are significantly higher in people who regularly entertain negative thoughts. Depression has been proven to result in physical ailments such as tiredness, headaches, and upset stomachs. Negative thinkers are generally less happy people which has also been proven to have a similar effect on a person’s health as one who suffers with depression. 

Negative thinking will only bring misery and suffering to both the mind and body. Negativity serves no productive purpose. Those who are chronic negative thinkers are generally less happy in life, work, and relationships. And unhappiness in any, and especially all, of these facets of life will only serve to harm your health. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of situations, try to find the positive in it. Even the worst situation you endure can be considered a success just because you survived it.

- Brainz.org, "15 Stupid Things People Do To Their Bodies Without Realizing It"

Yet another incentive to change my negative thinking habit. It's damaging my immune system and making me more susceptible to becoming physically sick!!! Now, that's just not cool.

What's the old adage?... Mind over matter. 

There's a lotta truth in that.

Get your brain healthy, Wilcox...and then your body will get a clue.

:-)

I will kick-start the healing process by expressing some gratefulness...

1. For friends who see me in my weakened, deliriously sick state and go out of their way to make an effort to care for me...soooo comforting

2. For free sunshine and fresh air...soooo rejuvenating

3. For my body's ability to heal itself (in spite of my negativity)...such a miracle!

Feelin' better already.

Be well, everyone...in your thoughts and in your body...and don't forget to appreciate your breathing!

Loves,

V

P.S. Still no word from NYU.  :-p

“You can set yourself up to be sick, or you can choose to stay well.”

- Wayne Dyer

147. Light Up The Sky

Even

After

All this time

The sun never says to the earth,

“You owe

Me.”

Look

What happens

With a love like that,

It lights the

Whole

Sky.

~Hafiz

The past few days I’ve been wrestling with some questions…

What is the point of the Acceptance Project if I never ever get accepted to grad school? Is it just that I have to accept the fact that I’ll never be accepted?

Why did I do all of this blogging…this record keeping, anyway? What’s the point of it all?

And why am I struggling so much with the idea of failing AGAIN to get accepted to grad school? Even though I know that my past two failures have been a catalyst for such amazing personal growth...and have brought sooooo many unexpected blessings into my life!

Haven’t I learned yet to trust that everything happens for my good?

I’ve been struggling with this uncomfortable feeling that the Universe must OWE me something…

I’m like… “Look, Universe…Don’t you see all the work and love and time that I’ve put into this grad school thing…Don’t you OWE me some success at this at some point, here? I mean…HONESTLY, what gives?”

Then I read that poem by Hafiz this morning (above)…and it was as if I was struck by lightning while staring at the page!

“OMG! Virginia!!! Nobody owes you ANYTHING…and certainly not the Universe.”

When my heart is I the right place and I’m able to step out of my own ego…I know that I am REALLY doing this Acceptance Project to “light up the sky” in my own small way...because I can.

Wayne Dyer gives a great explanation of this poem in his book Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life. I’ve quoted him below…

“Imagine if the sun needed attention and demanded accolades for its efforts – it would shine only where it felt most appreciated or when it received payment for that life-giving energy! Soon the world would be partially shut off from the sun’s magnificence, and ultimately the entire planet would be covered in darkness as wars erupted over ways of appeasing the “sun god”…Seeing yourself as important and special because of your artistic talent, for instance, is walking the path of ego. Walking the path of the Tao means that you express appreciation for the hands that allow you to create a sculpture...Change your life by consciously choosing to be in a state of gratitude.”

Sigh.

It’s sooooo good to be reminded of these things.

GIVING!!!…THAT’S THE POINT…and being grateful that I have something to give...I am super grateful for that every day.

So go…Go “light up the sky” in your own unique way. 

No one else may notice…but you’ll know you're adding your light to the earth…and that’s what matters.

Loves,

V

143. The Juilliard Door Closes

I did not get invited to the Final Callbacks at Juilliard.

:-(

Kathy Hood sent out an email that said that out of the 1387 people that auditioned for Juilliard this year... they asked a record number of people to stay for the End-Of-Day Callbacks during each audition day, over all of the days, this added up to 157 people in total. I was one of them.

From that group, they selected 40 people to invite to the Final Callback Weekend. (Congratulations to anyone who made it this year!) However, I was NOT one of them.

I am sad. Very sad.

I LOVED my Juilliard audition experience. It was seriously one of the best days I've had...ever.

The tough thing about these MFA auditions...at Yale, Juilliard and NYU...is that they never give you feedback on your audition. It just doesn't work that way. They never tell you why you weren't chosen...or what you could do to improve your audition for next year. 

I completely understand why they do not offer this information. It would be overwhelming to deal with those kinds of correspondences for hundreds of applicants. It's just not realistic or advantageous for the school to do that. I get it.

But the nature of this "lack-of-feedback," as to why you didn't get chosen and someone else did, can be very confusing. 

My brain naturally goes to the thought, "Is there anything that I did to sabotage myself? Is there anything I could have done to improve my chances?"

However, the conclusions that I come up with, as answers to these questions may have NOTHING to do with why I ACTUALLY wasn't chosen. So really...I just end up making myself crazy. 

This year...I am very confident that I did EVERYTHING within my power to give my best possible audition...maybe I went a little overboard, actually. 

All well. 

Ultimately, I will never know the real reason I wasn't chosen. And that's okay. I guess I don't really need to know...Because I am who I am...and I don't want to be accepted to a school where I'm not wanted. That would suck! So if I'm not wanted there for ANY reason, then it's a good thing that they've let me go on my way this year.

Is there anything I can do now to change the outcome?... Nope. What's done is done. So the only really healthy option for me is to be grateful for the opportunity that I had...and move forward with the new learning that it's given me.

What have I learned?...I am still processing that. And I am sure I will be discussing those ideas in future blog posts.

But before I wrap up this post...just wanted to share with you a few details about yesterday...

1. I think I may have checked my email every 3 minutes yesterday...Allllll day long...It was hilarious! I was totally obsessive compulsive about it...Until I finally received the email from Juilliard around 4:30pm...Then...whah-whah...sadness.

2. Also received my "official" rejection email from Yale yesterday. "Way to coordinate with Juilliard, guys! Nice timing! Double-whammy of rejection!" I mean, I knew about the Yale outcome already, but still...that was icky to have to receive both of those emails within hours of each other. It was as if the Universe was teasing me..."No, MFA for you, Wilcox...It doesn't matter how much you care about this...or how close you come...You ain't never gonna get it...So let me just confirm your inadequacy by these "official" rejection letters in your inbox." Thanks, Universe...I know you know what's best for me and I don't, but...the mocking? Is that really necessary? Ugh. Bleh!

3. I got "the email" while I was at work. I was proud of myself...because I didn't cry. In fact, I'll bet my bosses had nooooo idea that anything out of the ordinary was happening for me. I am a professional. I do not share my personal drama at work.

4. After work, however, I made a phone call to my teacher and friend (also the person that wrote my recommendation letter for Juilliard) Mr. Robert Parsons. I left him a voice mail telling him about my disappointment at not making it to Final Callbacks at Juilliard this year. He called me back later, but I couldn't answer at that time, so he left me a voice mail in response...I have included it below...If I could figure out how to export the voice mail from my phone, I'd put it on the blog for you guys to listen to, but since I am not that technically saavy I've just typed it. (I hope you don't mind my sharing this with everybody, Bob!) His words meant a lot to me and are a great comfort.

Feb. 17, 2012, voice mail from my teacher, Robert Parsons:

"Hey, Virginia...It's Bob calling...Oooooh, boy...Got your message...and ahh,...I'm really, really sorry. I'm so, so sorry...that you didn't get called back...and I am also really, really surprised. I thought you definitely were...were IN this time. But, uh, regardless, it certainly does not diminish your brilliance, because you are... you're just, you're f*#king brilliant. I mean, reading your blog and just the way you think through these things and I know it leaks into your work as well,...so nobody can take that away from you no matter what obstacles appear. And though it's not Juilliard this year and it's not Yale this year...but, I guess NYU is still a possibility, so hold on to that one...But I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and I feel like, you know, whatever this means...it's just gonna make you stronger, ultimately, and...yeah, something good is gonna come for you, at some point, whether it's this year or whenever...It's gonna happen, so just hang in there. And I think a lot of people are behind you and rooting for you, so keep it rollin' girl!...Um, I'll try and get back to you or you call me. I've got a show tonight...But if you feel like calling, I should be around. Alright, you take care. Bye."

THAT's when I finally cried...Listening to Bob's voice mail...Standing on the corner of 37th Street and Broadway in Astoria. (Why wait until you get to the privacy of your own apartment to lose your s#*t, when you can do it standing on a street corner in full view of the passing public? LOL! Ridiculous me.) Thank you, Bob, for your compassionate words! It feels good to know that you believe in me...even though...even though...I didn't get in to Juilliard.

Anyway, yesterday wasn't allll tears and disappointment...I joyfully reconnected with my friend Jordan last night. He just moved to NY recently. We had a nice sushi dinner and had a blast at the Astoria Art House Salon...where I got to sing a couple of songs and Jordan played the piano. It was lovely. So the day certainly ended on a positive note.

And, yes...I am still in-the-running at NYU...but I am feeling like...I don't know...like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? At this point, I'm kind-of anticipating the rejection letter from them too...'cause...I can't even make it to NYU's Callback Weekend even if they do invite me.

Sooo maybe this really isn't going to be "my year" for grad school acceptance after all.

Still...I'm going to complete this Acceptance Project...in the best way I know how. So gonna keep on blogging until April 1st, as promised, and I am excited about it too, because I've still got some cool posts hiding up my sleeve for you all to look forward to...a couple of interviews waiting in the cue...and some other fun surprises in store...So it ain't over yet!

Don't worry about me. I haven't lost hope entirely.

Maybe I'll try for Juilliard again next year...Got really close!...I don't know yet. We'll see.

The door at Juilliard has closed for 2012...but there's gotta be a window in here somewhere...

:-)

Loves,

Virginia

P.S. If anyone who has been invited to the Juilliard Callback Weekend would like to write a guest post for the blog, even if it's anonymous, I'd love for you to contact me and we can discuss! Email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. Best wishes and break legs!

142. The Impact Scenarios

Tomorrow is the day that Juilliard will be sending me an email to either...

A. Invite me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I'll be a contender for the first ever MFA class at Juilliard

OR

B. Tell me that they will NOT be inviting me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I will know that I am no longer under consideration for acceptance to the program for Fall 2012

Now...one might think that considering my feelings about my wonderful audition experience at Juilliard, that (in my mind) the below equation might apply...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOOD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BAD

However, it's really not that "black and white," now is it? Most situations are "shades of gray," and this one is no exception. We've all been in situations where a certain outcome could have a MAJOR IMPACT on your life and the lives of your loved ones.

And to an outside eye it may seem like a no-brainer, simplistic Good vs. Bad scenario, but to you...you know allllll the ramifications that an outcome will have on your life. Other people can't know all those things, only you know them about your own life and your own mind.

Success is sometimes just as terrifying as failure...and often times MORE so.

So to really understand the complexity of any situation, you've gotta analyze the IMPACT of that outcome on your life...on every area of your life that matters to you. There will be both a positive and negative impact...no matter which outcome happens. It's just a matter of which one is worse or better...according to your own values, life situation and personal preferences.

Do I want to get called back at Juilliard?

Yes.

Will it mean that my life will be perfect and happy and simple and easy if I get called back at Juilliard?

No.

So in anticipation of being overwhelmed by the actual outcome tomorrow...which I will have to be dealing with very soon...I'd love to take this opportunity tonight...To rationally think this through...as objectively as a can...before things get C-Ra-zY.

"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst." - Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)

So..... here are my impact scenarios for both outcomes (as best I can imagine them right now... hypothetically.)

PRETEND LIKE I GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: Joy!!! I love this school.
• Spiritually: I feel like I am on my "right path."
• Sense of Purpose: I am dedicated to becoming the BEST possible actor that I can be in this lifetime and using my gifts to have a positive impact on the world. This is the next step on that journey.
• Way I See Myself: I feel like I am the luckiest person on this planet.
• Way Others See Me: They might feel excited for me and get excited about keeping on working toward their dreams too!
• Friendships: I will get to make new friends at the Callback Weekend.
• Personal Life: I feel great about where I'm at right now. Glad that I'm single...whilst I embark on this very personal journey.
• Job: I could possibly have a new job soon: "Full-time Acting Student."
• Career: This could lead to a great big huge growth spurt for me that could lead to some incredible creative collaborations with awesome artists that I am yet to meet in the future.
• Financially: Will inevitably have a positive impact on my future prospects for being able to make a living as an actor.
• Physically (my body): I could have the opportunity to get up and MOVE everyday at school...vs. the sedentary sit-at-a-desk-all-day-and-stare-at-a-computer-screen job that I currently have.
• Physically (my home): Juilliard is in New York. So if I were to be accepted there...I could stay in my apartment in Astoria probably.
• The Blog: I'd get to write about the Callback Weekend experience and share it will all of you!!!

...and the NEGATIVE impact of being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally: Fear. I am terrified that after getting this close...that I will still not be accepted into this year's class and I will be crushed.
• Spiritually: I lose all sense of gratefulness and become a totally egotistical a-hole.
• Sense of Purpose: I lose my sense of acting as a "service job" and become completely self-serving in my pursuit of "winning."
• Way I See Myself: I start to see myself as a person who must be accepted by others in order to be able to accept myself.
• Way Others See Me: They may choose to see my success as "uppity" and "snooty" for me to want to be accepted to a school as prestigious as Juilliard.
• Friendships: I might lose some of them because people may react differently to me now.
• Personal Life: I could possibly be kissing my chance for a personal life good-bye. Who has time for a boyfriend in grad school?
• Job: I have to say goodbye to the comfy, familiarity of my day-job. (And I will miss hanging out with my bosses 5 days a week.)
• Career: N/A. (I cannot even pretend that this would ever have a negative impact on my career.)
• Financially: I could be looking at taking out some MAJOR student loans to attend this school. That's veeeery stressful.
• Physically (my body): It's going to be extremely physically demanding potentially.
• Physically (my home): School might be too much of a commute from Queens. If I got accepted I might be looking to move. Ugh!
• The Blog: N/A. (Can't imagine a negative impact on the blog. This is allllll part of the process. And the blog is about examining this process. So it couldn't be negative for the blog.)

Anyhoo, the over-all outcome of getting invited to the Final Callback Weekend at Juilliard (weighing both the positive and negative impact) would be exciting, scary, disorienting and destabilizing...but, over-all...GOOD.

PRETEND LIKE I DO NOT GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: I won't have to open my heart up to the emotional investment that one has to give as an actor. I can stay in my comfy-safe-normalness as long as I feel like it.
• Spiritually: I will keep hope alllll this has been worth it in terms of my spiritual growth and that I've had a positive impact with the blog, at least,...and that even though I may have failed to get in to Juilliard...that my sharing of the whole process has been good for others to read about.
• Sense of Purpose: Is tested...and re-assessed...and will become stronger as a new direction appears.
• Way I See Myself: As someone that tried...even when there was no guarantee of success...and may try again next year as well!
• Way Others See Me: As someone that keeps going in spite of failure.
• Friendships: My friendships are deepened, because those who care will communicate their support.
• Personal Life: I might actually have time to have a personal life now.
• Job: I will get to continue to build a stronger foundation of security, build confidence in my skills as an assistant and continue to get training to learn more about building databases. Sounds like fun, right?
• Career: I will continue to be a self-starter in my oddly-laid path to finding a way to be a professional actor full-time.
• Financially: I will definitely make more money at my job than I would in school.
• Physically (my body): I can still have time and flexibility to take dance class or continue yoga outside of my 9-5 hours at work.
• Physically (my home): I get to stay right where I am.
• The Blog: I get to write about how it feels to get so close...and then...not get it...and how the hell does one deal with that psychologically? 

...and the NEGATIVE impact of not being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally:  Whew...REALLY painful. Will be suuuuuuper dissapointed.
• Spiritually:  I feel like the Universe has forsaken me. How can this be true?
• Sense of Purpose:  I lose my sense of momentum and give up hope at this loss.
• Way I See Myself:  I see myself as someone who ALWAYS gets close...and then loses in the end.
• Way Others See Me: They may see me as a person who may be able to do other things well, but that I will never be successful at the thing I really care about...acting. 
• Friendships:  They pity me...or worse...keep telling me to believe in myself when I've lost the desire to have that belief.
• Personal Life:  I don't have a personal life. Prospects are not good.
• Job: I will stick with the one I've got foooooorever...even though it's not exactly creative.
• Career: Juilliard will not be the next step of my career path. Back to the drawing board
• Financially: I will continue to make a living from something other than acting (and way less awesome) for the foreseeable future.
• Physically (my body): I still get to look forward to sitting in a chair all day.
• Physically (my home): N/A
• The Blog: Do not get to write about the Juilliard Callback Weekend experience. Will have to try my best to find someone willing to guest-post...but no guarantees on finding someone willing to be publicly transparent...like I am crazy enough to be.

(Okay...so some of these negative responses are a LEEEEETLE extreme. But I think it helps to write it out... and disempower even the shadow of those ideas in my mind. Makes it less scary. 'Cause when I read them on the page, they just seem silly sometimes.)

So here's the REAL equation...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOODBAD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BADGOOD

Yay! That's a WIN/WIN!...Sort of.

Now...if only my my logical mind will be able to help my heart deal with the emotional aftermath of the outcome when I open that email tomorrow! We'll see how that goes.

(Whew! Writing this post was exhausting! Sorry it was suuuuper long, but it's been a complicated journey in my mind....How am I feeling about all this? Honestly? I think I'm totally overwhelmed...but rather than going out and drinking and numbing-out...I write lists...still it leads to a similar numbing-out sensation. Weird, right? LOL! That's just me, I guess.)

;-p

Wishing you love in analyzing your own impact scenarios this year.

It's alllll goodbadgoodbad, isn't it?

Loves,

V

P.S. Super grateful to even be HAVING these kinds of dilemmas. Truly, I feel extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to audition for Juilliard this year.

P.P.S. No blogging on Fridays. See you Saturday, guys! I promise to let you know what happens then, okay?

P.P.P.S. I can't believe that I just posted all this online. I mean...who does that? All well. It's definitely been part of my process. Yikes! ... If you've gotten this far...thanks for reading. :-P

131. Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part Four (Pantomime With Words)

(This is the fourth post relating my experience at Juilliard Drama Auditions 2012. Click here for Part One. Click here for Part Two. Click here for Part Three.)

Part Four: Pantomime With Words

I stared at the door, waiting for it to open. It's was finally my turn! I’m the last person selected to audition for the entire faculty of Juilliard Drama today. YIKES!!!

Breathe.

Excitement. Fear. Joy.

Mind racing with a million thoughts and  a million outcomes.

Breathe.

"All you‘ve got to do is go in there and close-up the (imaginary) restaurant, Virginia." I thought to myself.

"You’ve worked in this place for years and scrubbed these tables a million times, right? You are completely comfortable here. This is YOUR space. You know what you’ve got to do. It’s been a looooong day and you can go home and relax as soon as the restaurant is clean.

That’s all. Just clean the restaurant.

Clear the tables. Wipe them down. Clean the menus. Sweep. Grab your stuff. Lock the door. Done.

Simple. Easy.

No need to control anything. No need to be a fancy actor. No need to impress anybody.

The words of the monologue will be there for you. You know them. Trust yourself.

And if you get distracted and forget… Just make it up. Who cares!? You know where you are and who you are and the story you’re telling. That’s all you need.

So go clean the f*%ing restaurant and get it done!"

As I was ushered into the room I was greeted by the gentle hum of laughter and conversation. The room was a-buzz with energy and the faculty clearly seemed to be having a good time together. James Houghton took the lead (naturally) and asked me what play my piece was from. I told him and he asked me to give him a second to write it down.

As he wrote, I scanned around the room, turning on my heels...taking in the acting space…figuring out mentally where the door was…and the kitchen…the counter…the stools…the 6 tables and 12 chairs (all imaginary…but very clearly defined in my head). It was as if I was creating a movie in my head...with chairs and tables coalescing from the ether and into my reality. God…Acting is such a weird job.

Anyway, I woke from my conjuring trance and looked back at Jim Houghton, who was staring back at me intently.

“Oh! You ready?” I said.

“Yes.” He said.

That was my cue. GO!

I began to move with purpose walking stage right toward the “door” while removing my glasses, my zip-up jacket and putting my hair up with a hair-tie. I had work to do…Don’t want to deal with hair in my eyes.

Then I walked across the room to the “kitchen” to grab my tray. I imagined that the person I was speaking to was sitting on a stool at the counter,...my friend Josh to be exact, who had stopped by the restaurant to hang-out and watch me close. He's telling me to quit this crappy job...and I'm explaining to him why I can't and why I won't and how I see a greater purpose in my work...even in the very un-glamorous job of waitressing. That I want to be good at everything I do...And that my job here touches people's lives...and that has value.

So as I began to clear the tables, I was speaking to him…But I wasn’t thinking about speaking to him…I was thinking about clearing the table without breaking things. And then I grabbed an imaginary rag and spray bottle filled with cleaning fluid and sprayed down the first table and wiped it off. Then I continued with this process for the rest of the six tables…still talking…managing to remember my lines…turning away from the audience sometimes…oblivious to their presence (as much as possible). Then I threw the spray bottle in a cabinet and pulled up a real chair to imaginary table #1. I grabbed a stack of my imaginary menus and sat down to wipe them clean. Some of them I’d clean vigorously and some slowly or sometimes I’d stop and check in with my imaginary Josh…to make sure he was still listening to me… which he was. It all depended on what I was saying in the moment and how that made me feel.

Then I realized I was about to run out of words. So I thought, f*%k the sweeping. There's no time for it now. I gotta get outta this place. I’ll do it before I open tomorrow. Then I put away my imaginary menus and walked back across the room toward the door to grab my jacket and my glasses. I scanned the room to make sure that everything was done and I hadn’t forgotten anything. I zipped up my jacket, said the last line and turned away as if to leave.

Of course, in reality I was just standing in a huge studio staring at a wall. LOL! Again…Acting is such a weird job.

I took a moment to breathe and let the imaginary world I had created fade away gently behind me…for both myself and my audience.

That was my pantomime with words.

How did I feel about it? I really don’t know!!! I was just doing it…So I don’t know if it was any “good” or not…But one thing I DO know for sure…that imaginary restaurant is CLEAN. ;-p

Then I turned back around, smiled gently and slowly walked back to the center of the room.

Then Jim asked me what I would like to sing. I said, “Make Someone Happy…Oh, Richard…Would you like me to do the regular version or the version with the adjustment?”

Richard smiled at me and said, “Oh, just sing the song.”

"Oh, right...sorry. Sure. Okay."

So I did.

Then the room got quiet after I had finished and Jim leaned forward and asked me THE QUESTION…

“So, why grad school, Virginia?”

Oh, my God in heaven. How to even BEGIN?

My heart began to pound all the way in my toes...

Singing ain't scary...Confessing to an entire panel of people that have the ability to make this girl's grad-school acceptance DREAMS come true...NOW THAT'S SCARY.

The passion of all these years of trying and dreaming and hoping and trying again and hoping and failing and trying AGAIN…all welled up in my eyes.

“I want to be a part of this community,” I said, as I fought to keep my composure. I was NOT going to lose my s#%t now. OH, HELL NO. I have worked tooooo hard at this to come off like a blubbering fool!

I continued to speak...Gathering momentum...Trying to breathe and stay focused... “I felt such a connection to this place from the first time I took a tour and met Kathy and then every time I’ve visited here since…or seen a show...I feel it more and more.” And then I went on and on about the camaraderie amongst the faculty and the respect and care they have for the students and my desire to invest in myself with this training and building a foundation for a life-long career and I how much I love this…"

And so on and so on. Ya-da, Ya-da.

Confession: I have no idea WHAT I said, actually. It was really a blur. But I meant it all with every piece of my heart...And the above is my best estimation of what I think I probably said (for posterity’s sake.)

Jim thanked me for my audition. I thanked him and the rest of the faculty and walked out the door and back into the quiet of the hallway. 

It was done. I had survived my pantomime with the faculty of Juilliard.

I sat down in a chair. Grabbed onto the edge of the seat for support. Looked up to the ceiling. And I let myself cry.

It felt good, actually...good to cry. It's what I needed to do.

Austin, one of the current grad students, gently sat down next to me and told me about one of the times he’d had a breakdown in class and how it’s all par-for-the-course in the Juilliard experience. He made me smile. It was comforting.

I could breathe again.

Enough of the angst, Wilcox...Now it’s time for games!

I wiped away my tears, ran up the stairs and removed my shoes and socks, leaving them in my bag.

I found Toby and gave him a HUGE hug and said. "Thank you. Your hug gave me the love to get through that audition. You gave me your energy. I could feel it. Thank you. That was awesome."

He grinned at me. I grinned back.

We joined up with the rest of our group as we all made our way back down the stairs and into the audition room again with the faculty.

The next hour or so was sooooo much fun. We did so many fun exercises/activities/games together. I won’t bore you with all the details, but lets just say...it was just like being a kid again and playing pretend....Only, this time, I was playing pretend with a room full of the BEST pretenders you’ve ever played with. Everyone’s imaginations were bouncing off the walls!!! It was fantastic to behold and to participate in. There was excitement in the air. It was electric! Laughter one moment, silence the next, cheers and then tears.

Ahhhh, actors...we are a unique breed. We are sensitive and yet, bold. We express our way of experiencing the world passionately and (ideally) unapologetically...in public.

After we we’re all done running around and playing fun games, exhaustion started to set in. We all tromped back up-stairs and collapsed in the waiting area...just bodies laying on the floor, slouching on the seats and benches...It’s about 9pm at this point... And I’ve been up since 6am...and I'm sure I wasn't the only one. So, everyone’s a bit punchy, for sure.

Then Kathy appears, clipboard in hand. “Okay, everyone. Hope you had fun in there!”

We all responded with cheers and comments of joy and laughter.

Kathy continued, “Wonderful! I had so much fun watching you all working and playing in there. Thank you for that...Now, I know it’s getting late and you must be feeling the length of the day by now. However, we’re going to as some of you to stay and interview, if you are up for it. You’re all under consideration for the final callback weekend. So if you’re asked to stay for an interview tonight or not, it doesn’t “mean anything” either way, just know that. And we may be contacting you at a later date for a phone or Skype interview, if we feel that’s necessary, okay? Now, I’m going to call you over one-by-one to discuss with each of you individually.”

I love Kathy. She is one of the most genuinely warm-hearted human beings alive. Juilliard is soooooo lucky to have her.

So she started calling each of us over to her, alphabetically from the top of the list. Ha! You know what that means? I’m last.

Patience is a virtue and having a “W” name allows me to practice it often.

After a few moments of checking my phone and biting my cuticles and checking my phone again and looking around to see if people were getting ready to leave or settling-in for more waiting...I hear Kathy’s voice above the mild chatter in the room...

“Virginia?”

My turn. ~gulp~

I get up from the floor where I’ve been sitting and trot over to Kathy Hood. Holding my breath and smiling...hoping that I would be asked to stay, but trying hard not to expect anything more than the already ammmmmazing experience that I’ve had.

I’m standing with Kathy, away from all of the others. She looks down at her clipboard for a second and then back at me...



Loves,
V



P.S. Will Virginia be asked to stay for an interview? What will tomorrow's post be all about?

...Stay tuned...I hope you will enjoy PART FIVE, the final chapter in my Juilliard Drama audition tale.

117. Interview with Daniel Talbott (Juilliard): Part Two

For those of you that are just tuning-in...This is a continuation of yesterday's post. If you liked that one, this one's about to knock your socks off. Daniel is a truth-teller. Nothing too personal to discuss. Nothing off-limits to reveal. He's an incredibly wonderful and courageous human being! I LOOOOOOOVE this man...

Without further ado...PART TWO of my interview with Mr.Daniel Talbott...Enjoy!

(The following was recorded on January 7, 2012, and lovingly transcribed into text by my mother, Dorothy Wilcox, the fastest typist in the west! Thanks, Mom!)

Virginia: So tell me about your experience at Juilliard…

Daniel: Juilliard is the best thing that ever happened to me, seriously, for the bad as much as for the good, if not more.  It’s an amazing school full of brilliant and human and flawed people. It gave me a home base to come to New York and work every day of my life as an actor.  I was in the middle of my class.  There were kids that were straight out of high school.  There were kids that had come out of a graduate program.  I was so happy I was in the middle ‘cause I wasn’t burnt out, and I wasn’t overly intellectualizing stuff.  But at the same time, I also wasn’t so terrified that I was just out of school...I had already had an apartment and done stuff like that. 

It was really hard my first year because the great love of my life, up to that point, and I ended up in class together after we had been broken up for a year and a half.  And it was really, really hard for both of us. I think we both did okay with dealing with it.  They ended up leaving after the first year which I think was maybe easier on both of us, but it’s sad. I mean it’s not what they chose to do with their life, but if they had chosen that, I had really hoped that they would not have chosen to leave because it’s a great opportunity for anybody.  I mean, we dealt with it, but the first year was really hard because of that. So, you know, they didn’t come back, and I feel like that really opened me up.  And so I felt like my second year and third year I was much more able to work.  I was much more at ease.  Because we weren’t tiptoeing around each other 24/7,…it was so hard for both of us. 

And then, in my third year – the third year was the hardest year for me because I knew I was getting married, I was engaged.  My now wife – at the time, my fiancé – thought that we had messed up and got pregnant...I was also feeling like maybe it wasn’t the right fit for me in my third year.  And I had also started Rising Phoenix Rep.  I also knew I wanted to direct and write plays.  I knew I wanted to act, but it was a really, really hard year.  And there was this day we really thought my wife was pregnant.  I had a really good attendance record, and I skipped class so I could go to the doctor’s appointment with her.  I think someone chewed me out about it, one of my teachers or something, and I went off on them.  I was really angry about it.  I can’t remember what happened, but I was really, really upset.  I remember I was shaking, and I was walking through Central Park, and I called Kathy [Hood].  I said, “I really need to talk to you.  I think I’m going to leave the school.  I’m not going to finish it.  I’m really fed up. I’m really sick of being treated like this by certain people.” She said, “Why don’t you come in and talk to me first before you make a decision.”  Kathy’s kind of the great mama of the Juilliard program.  She’s amazing.  She said, “Michael [Kahn] wants to talk to you.”  I think he cancelled his trip to Washington to talk to me.  And so I came back to the school.  I think I was crying and shaking.  I was really pissed off.  I was a mess.  And I went in and I talked to Michael, and he was amazing.  I remember sitting in his office, and he told me, "You’re not going to leave this school.  You’re going to graduate from this school."  And he told me very personal stuff about himself and where he was at, that I reminded him of himself when he was younger in some ways.  And because of Michael and because of Kathy I stayed at that school, and I’m so proud that I graduated.  I’m so happy that they believed in me enough, and they stood by me enough to tell me I had to stay… 

The fourth year amazing. It was Rep season, and you start getting a little bit more breathing room which was good for me.  And doing rehearsal a lot, which was great.  And I had a play that was at the Young Playwrights’ Festival at the Royal Court, and the school made it possible for me to fly back and forth to London and also do Rep season.  So I got to go to London, which was a huge thing for me.  And the Royal Court’s probably my favorite theatre in the world.  It was such a dream come true for me…It was an amazing year.  I feel so lucky and proud to have graduated from that school, and I would say 98% of my teachers I’m still really close friends with and profoundly changed my life in a great way. 

Virginia:  So in your day-to-day professional life now, with a career that you’re continuing to build and your many, many hats that you've taken on – as a playwright and as a director, producing and artistic directing and acting– what do you feel have been the most valuable contributions to your current work that you learned at Juilliard? 

Daniel:  I think everything.  I think you learn from everything that happens in your life and that you put that into your work. I think the theatre is this ultimate kind of – for lack of a better word – truth box that represents back to us what we are, in every way -- as a society, as people, as a world, as a culture, as a community.  So I think every life experience that you have:  the good, the bad, the shitty, the great experiences, the crappy experiences, you can transform all of that into work and flip it into beauty and into art.  That’s, to me, what you do.  Every experience that I’ve ever had at Juilliard and just in the world has influenced my work, and my career, how I view things and how I view the world and how I view life and art. I think too much in our culture we have this thing where we separate the professional and the personal , and you can’t really do that.  I think your work should be greatly personal. I think you should be professional.  I think you shouldn’t come into work and be a wreck and not be able to work.  But as long as you can work and are allowing other people to work, it should be deeply personal.  So it’s all tied in together for me.  My family is part of theatre, the theatre is part of my family.  It’s all one thing to me…

My life is...I like simplicity.  I try to simplify my life as much as possible.  I feel like life is my work, my friends, and my family.  And that’s my life…taking walks, I love the ocean, I love whales, I love tennis. (Laughs.) I just try to be very simple about it and I put everything I am into my work, my family and friends.  I don’t think Juilliard – I don’t think any school – is the right school for everybody.  And I think there were kids in my class that came in that were so technically proficient and then became overly technically proficient at that school which is the kind of the “bad Juilliard speak” that you hear about and all that stuff.  And then I feel like there were kids that were just really raw, kind of messy, kind of hot messes, like myself. I’m a messy, kind of process-y, nutty fuckin actor and theatre artist.  And for me, Juilliard was the best thing, again, that ever happened to me.  It was the best school I could have gone to because it gave me very strong technical [training] – not that it’s just a technical school – but it balanced me. I think so of much of life and so much of art is balance…

Al Pacino has this great thing that he says about how acting is like walking a tightrope. Walking a tightrope is always active.  It’s always moving forward.  There’s always conflict and extremity. There’s a limit of time.  And you also can’t over balance one over the other or you’ll fall off.  So there’s this perfect alignment that’s moving forward with…extremity of action and in an extreme objective way.  And so I think it is a perfect analogy with acting.  Juilliard balanced me as an actor...But I don’t think it’s the school for everybody.  I think it’s a brilliant fuckin school.  But I think as an artist you have to have a strong sense of why you’re doing it from every part of yourself.  And if you’re just doing it from your neck up, to please other people, you’re not being an artist.  I mean Jackson Pollock, everyone thought he was fuckin insane.  Francis Bacon everyone thought he was crazy.   Joseph Cornell was an agoraphobe.  They fuckin thought he was crazy, and he was a genius. Do you know what I mean?  But he was doing what called him.  Another thing that I think happens in our culture is that people eliminate the uniqueness of the personal, you get people trying to imitate other things that have been successful  in order to have success.  You can’t do that in the theatre.

I think there have been times, absolutely there’ve been wonderful times in American theatre history that you’ve gotten these periods... like the Al Pacino, Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman period, you know...the Eugene O’Neill, Tennessee Williams period.  None of those people imitated other people.  That’s not how they created their success.   They were just artists.  They found their own personal, unique, explosive way to create.  Like Kim Stanley or Laurette Taylor … The people who you remember are the people who have created a unique personal path through art, and that have been greatly influenced by everyone else that they’ve worked with and everyone else that has inspired them. And so I feel like I was able to be who I am, and I got four years to explode that and challenge that and get a very strong foundation, so that I could hopefully do that eight times a week instead of doing it three times a week. You know what I mean?  I would never be the theatre artist I am without that school. 

Virginia:  So with regard to the personal thing.  I want to transition into a little bit about Yosemite, which is your most recent project. 

Daniel:  It’s probably my most personal play.

Virginia:  So what are some of the personal elements that you’re excited to share through this creative work?

Daniel:  I don’t know if excited is the word.  I’m like fuckin terrified…  I think that I’m such a beginning playwright.  It’s hard to even call myself a playwright.  There are so many playwrights who I admire that I think that are so further along than I am... It is a weird play…I don’t know if anyone’s going to get it.  I don’t know if it’s going to mean anything to anyone else.  I could see people loving it.  I could see people and critics just completely trashing it, but I’m proud of it. It's the thing I'm most proud to have written.

End of Recording.

Ohhhhh, Daniel. WE are so proud of you tooooooo! Your journey from young-baseball-player-and-hopeful-someday-actor to....now-playmaker-theatre-artist-husband-father-and-friend -- is sooooo inspiring.

You are clearly on your right path and I applaud all of the courage and heart it took for you to get to where you are now!!! Thanks for sticking with it. We allll benefit from your decision to follow your calling and live this crazy-artist-life to be able to CREATE and tell your story...in the way that ONLY you can. Thank you for that.

Sending you love and wishing you tons of success with Yosemite and beyond!!!

I am sooooo grateful to have had this opportunity to record this moment in time. (It is soooooo awesome to have this blog as an excuse to talk with really f-ing cool people about how they got to be where they are...and then have the privilege of sharing it online! YAY!)

It's great to be able support a theatre artist in process...who's life is dedicated to exploring the human condition and reflecting it back for your entertainment and contemplation. CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR TICKETS TO YOSEMITE.

Gotta run. My computer's about to run out of juice...And I've got to grab some food before I head to the theatre...to see the first preview of Yosemite.

Hope to see you all there.

Loves,

V

P.S. RE: Monologue practice for my up-coming grad school auditions...Did all four of my monologues for my friend H. She was around to see my monologues last year too. And I didn't show them to very many people last year...I was waaaay to scared. But this year...I'm doing these freakin' monologues for EVERYBODY, scared or not! And H said that she thinks I've shown some improvement over last year! Yay!!! Progress! Who could ask for anything mooooooore???