171. Those Who Truly Love You Will Understand

"Ours is a stimulating world -- often an overstimulating one...we have our families, our friends, our jobs, and our other pursuits -- all potential sources of stress and sensory overload...If "still waters run deep," the noisy rapids of our lives make it hard to be anything but shallow. Our deeper selves are muffled, overtaxed, and overextended. Our sensibilities are stripped of their fine tuning. We become numb to our own responses and reactions. Life is "too much" for many of us... 

Our energies are drained not by coping with our output of creative energy but from coping with the ceaseless inflow of distractions and distresses that bid for our time, attention, and emotional involvement. As artists, we are great listeners, and as the volume is pitched too high, our inner ear and our inner work suffers. 

When a creative artist is fatigued, it is often from too much inflow, not too much outflow. When we are making something, we are listening to an inner voice that has many things to tell us -- if we will listen. It is hard to listen amid the chatter. It is hard to listen amid chaos. It is hard to listen amid the static of ungrounded and demanding energy. 

Contrary to mythology about us, artists are generous, often overly generous. We listen to others deeply, sometimes too deeply for our own good. We are susceptible to their hurt feelings and their pouting when we withdraw, and so sometimes we do listen to them even as our creative energy ebbs out of our own life and into theirs. This creates exhaustion, irritation, and, finally, rage.

It's not that we are unwilling to share our time and attention. It is that people must give us the courtesy of listening accurately to our needs about when and how we can do it...We have the right to determine along what lines we want our energies to flow. For this reason, we may need to draw more boundaries than many people, and those who love us must be conscious that unless they can respect this, they are not a friend at all. 

As artists, our inflow level must be kept manageable and we must "train" our friends and families and colleagues at work when and how we need our space, both physical and psychic... 

This is why busy executives have secretaries -- to monitor their inflow and keep it from becoming overwhelming to their creative process... 

Virginia Woolf said all artists need a room of their own... 

An artist requires solitude and quiet -- which is different from solemnity and isolation. Artists require respect for their thoughts and their process, but that respect must start with us. An artist needs to be treated well -- but often we are the ones who must begin that treatment, and one way we do it is by carefully setting our own valve on how much inflow is allowed to come into us." 

- Chapter 6: Discovering a Sense of Boundaries, Walking In This World

The above is taken from Julia Cameron's wonderful book Walking In This World: The Practical Art of Creativity. I had the opportunity to read and "work through" this book with a group of fellow artists while we were performing in Shanghai, China in 2009.

Julia's world-view and musings on the creative artist's mind have truly changed my life. She writes incredibly honest and nuturing books on creativity.

If you like what you read above and would like to find out more, please check out her website and find something that speaks to you. Pick up a copy or download it to your phone/computer/iPad/Kindle. Her words will help you to enrich your enjoyment of your own creative process...guaranteed.

Be courageous. Speak up for yourself. Nurture your inner artist. Set the boundaries you need.

The crazy-makers will get pissed-off...and those who truly love you will understand.

Loves,
V

141. The Learning Spiral

Learning is not a linear process in my world. I wish it looked like the chart below. But, for me, this is not exactly right.

(Photo Credit: synapse9.com)

The above is allll logical and makes sense and everything. And maybe it works for some people this way...but for me...My learning curve is a spiral staircase.

(Photo Credit: Andrew Hazelden)

As I take action in my life to learn a new skill...like blogging...or...eating healthy...or...working on a new monologue...or lessons I'm learning in life...like being more patient or... listening more...or being more focused on being present with people in the now...(These are all things I'd like to be better skilled at)...I've realized that I set myself up for a lot of self-loathing if I expect myself to be able to follow the learning curve rather than the learning spiral.

Thinking of it as a spiral makes me feel good about learning!

What's the difference? You ask?

Well, I see it this way...As I climb up the spiral staircase...I can feel GOOD because I am...

A. Moving forward toward my goal

B. Moving upward (improving) toward my goal

and 

C. I am constantly coming back around to the same lessons that I have learned before...only THIS TIME...I am learning them at a higher level (because I've been doing A & B all along)

If I use the learning curve as the model in my mind...I get frustrated because I feel like once I've learned a lesson or accomplished a part of my process...that I SHOULD then be able to "check it off the list" and be "done with it" and I'll never ever revert back to needing to learn that lesson again. So when I (inevitably) have to remind myself of lessons I've "already learned" in the past...I end up feeling bad about myself...like..."Oh, I should have known better"...or..."DUH...That was stupid. What's wrong with me?")

I have realized over the years that there's no reason to try to change the way I learn. That's just the WAY I LEARN and that's OKAY. Beating myself up about it does not help me learn any better. It just makes me feel bad. And I like to feel good about learning. So I will allow myself to love my learning spiral!

I am constantly learning and re-learning the same lessons in life over and over again...and just when I think I've "MASTERED" something...I discover how I can improve it. This is both wonderful (because it means learning is a life-long process and I'll never get bored) and it's also frustrating (because I sometimes think..."Why-can't-I-f*%<ing-LEARN-this-thing-already-and-get-it-over-with"...in my mind).

So to be more SELF-LOVING in my learning process. I have officially adopted the spiral staircase as my learning model.

For example, I was re-learning a lesson this morning...I woke up and I was thinking about imagination...and how important it is to have a strong vision for what I want my life to be...but imagination is equally as important as action...because without action, then all of my imaginings will only just be dreams...but there's another component that's suuuuuper important for me...and that is motivation...because when I'm really motivated to do something for a really strong/true/right/powerful/fun reason...then you best believe I'm going to find ways to make it happen...because I will throw all of my time, smarts, and love into it.

Imagination + Motivation + Action = Moving Up The Learning Spiral in the Direction of My Dreams

For me...the step that I MISS most often (in the above equation)...is the action step. I feel like I've got a strong imaginative vision of what I'd like to become...and I've got a TON of motivation to want to do it...but then...I get distracted by things...or I over-exert myself and get tired...and I realize that I'm not taking the ACTION necessary to really make my dreams a reality.

“Your story (that you tell yourself in your head) is the person you really want to be. That’s how you’d like to view yourself. Your actions, of course, are you! You can’t define anyone but by their actions. You can BE great. But unless you DO great, no one will know that. Think about that today…Let’s make our actions follow our story.” – Adam Gilbert, MyBodyTutor

And back to the LEARNING SPIRAL and how that relates to my issues with taking action...this is not a new concept to me...I blogged about it last November. CLICK HERE TO READ THAT POST.

So I'm still deepening that learning...Reminding myself to take action is going to be a constant life-long learning spiral for me. True story...So I might as well love it...and love myself through the process.

I'm not a linear learner...I'm a SPIRAL LEARNER. And somehow...knowing that and being able to label it...makes me feel good about it. Because I know I'm learning in the right way...the right way for me, that is.

So I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself constantly on this blog...That's just because I'm walking up my spiral...blog post by blog post...Learning and re-learning the lessons that the universe has to teach me. 

I'm no expert. But I'm learning...and getting better!

Thanks for walking with me. It's fun sharing the journey with you!

Loves,

V

"Expertise requires routine consistency, if only to elevate the level of growth in a short period of time. Schedule practice consistently...freeing you up from worrying over other things." - Marc Johansen, BeHyped

109. Tiffany's

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul Varjak: Sure.

Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany’s. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that’d make me feel like Tiffany’s, then – then I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

(Got the above excerpt from "Breakfast At Tiffany's" from an ammmmmmazingly awesome blog post on BeHyped. If you are suffering from the "mean reds" you should click on this link and check it out.)

Wish that visiting Tiffany's brought me a sense of inner peace...But it doesn't.

My place of serenity is:
...my pillow.
...Central Park on a mild summer day.
...my yoga mat during final shavasana.
...an empty movie theatre when the lights just go down and the movie is about to begin.
...a soapy warm shower.
...drinking a cup of coffee sloooooowly one tiny sip at a time.

Where's your place of serenity?

Go there.

Loves,
V

P.S. Twooooo again!...Two quality persons that I coerced into listening to me monologgie-ness:

1. My friend C and I were having coffee and I was trying to soak up some of her Shakespearexpertise. I looooove this girl. I did one of my contemporary pieces for her. I was totallllly going up on my lines in the beginning, but was able to remember more as the monologue went on. After I was done, I commented on my forgetfulness...and she said that she hadn't known that I had forgotten anything. AWESOME! And I was reminded of a lovely little gift called audience projection.

"The audience PROJECTS upon a blank space what they think the character would be thinking in the moment! They fill in the holes based upon what they know about the story." - Jack Plotnick

She totally "read into" my moments of memory lapse as being part of the emotional journey of my character. Loooove it! Sometimes mistakes are really GIFTS where the magic of acting can happen. And knowing about the magic of audience projection helps to take away some of the fear of forgetting.

2. Did my Shakespeare monologue with my friend Y...Walking to the subway. I was in a goofy mood. I was jumping around and yelling and laughing. I think if I went into my grad school auditions and did the monologue like that...they would probably think I was INSANE!...Which may be true. LOL! It's fun to explore the slapstick side of Shakespeare.

104. Electric Blanket Healing

'Tis healthy to be sick sometimes.

- Henry David Thoreau

This cold is kicking my boo-tay. Gotta go to bed early. It's IMPOSSIBLE to concentrate when my head feels like it's filled with rocks, standing up too fast makes the room spin and I'm annoyed at the sound of my own sniffling.

The body needs:

Rest.

Fluids.

Warm electric blanket.

Sorry, guys...The body needs what it needs... So I'm going to cut this blog short tonight. But I'm saaaad about it...'cause I have something really amazingly awesomely cool I want to share with you all...A FANTASTIC resource I came across yesterday online.

But blogging about it today will end up sounding like blah, blah, blah...And I want it to sound like HIP HIP HOORAY!

Soooooo it'll have to wait 'til tomorrow...or when I'm feeling a little more coherent. I promise it'll be worth the wait.

Zzzzzzzzz...recharging...recharging...recharging,
Virginia

"Knowing ignorance is strength.

Ignoring knowledge is sickness.

Only when we are sick of our sickness

shall we cease to be sick.

The sage is not sick but is sick of sickness;

this is the secret of health."

- Tao Te Ching, Verse 71

97. Comfortably Uncomfortable

"An atmosphere of growth brings great happiness, but at the same time, happiness sometimes also comes when you're free from the pressure to see much growth." - Gretchin Rubin, The Happiness Project

I love the feeling of pushing myself to do something outside of my comfort-zone.

I also love the feeling of being comfortable and doing something I know I do well.

How does one strike a balance? As artists, we always want to be challenging ourselves in our work... but how much is too much?

Only YOU can know your own limits...and only YOU can motivate yourself to push beyond them...or not.

And how to do all of this in a self-loving way?...Allowing yourself to be where you're at, yet still maintaining the desire and momentum to grow?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Sometimes it is necessary to stop being lazy and get to work... Sometimes it is necessary to stop working and be lazy.

Do what cha gotta do. And be honest with yourself about it.

Can you challenge yourself to do a little bit more today? Or do you need to slow down and do a little bit less?

Both can lead to happiness. Only YOU know which one is right for you in this moment.

Love,
V

"I take no action and people are reformed. I enjoy peace and people become honest. I do nothing and people become rich. If I keep from imposing on people, they become themselves." - 57th Verse, Tao Te Ching

95. Premonitions Of Nostalgia

"Your primary relationship needs to be with yourself, not your family, business, country, culture, or ethnicity. Affirm: The number one priority in my life is my relationship with my Source of being. Go there first, before any other considerations, and you'll automatically discontinue demanding more of anything else. You'll begin to emulate the Tao effortlessly, living heaven on earth." - Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

I'm not going home to Walnut Creek for Christmas this year. In fact, I hardly ever make it home for Christmas. Historically, this has simply been because I am either... A. working or B. can't afford a plane ticket. However, neither really apply this year... yet, I am still not traveling home for Christmas. Why? Well, this year's reason is a little more complex...

I am staying in New York for emotional self-protection.

I don't know how that may sound to you upon first-read, but let me explain a bit...

My parents were married for 30 years...and recently they decided to divorce. So Christmas at "home" is not what it once was. And being with my family in California brings up a lot of very deep-rooted emotional feelings for me...feelings that I'm still in the process of working through...that our whole family is in the process of working through.

"You should never sacrifice yourself in an attempt to save someone else. You cannot save anyone but yourself. When you make a strong commitment for something important that represents the next step in your evolution, you need to put boundaries around it and protect it from all the energies that are not compatible. This may require some hard choices of cutting off certain relationships, practices, habits and influences. If it does not feel good, say no and don't do it. If it feels good, say yes and go for it. You don't need to know how or why." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

Now, because I'm challenging myself big-time with this HUGE goal that means sooooo much to me (namely, this blog and this grad-school application thing) and it's required a ton of energy and focus for me to stick-with-it emotionally and psychologically...to stay positive and stay motivated and keep myself in a healthy-happy-mind-set...for all of these reasons...I needed to set a boundary for myself to protect this dream and to stay in New York for Christmas.

"Commitment is more about saying "no" than "yes." - Jennifer Gresham, Everyday Bright

I have to protect my energy and my focus right now. I cannot allow myself to be thrown-for-a-loop by things that I know I cannot control. I only have so much strength and have to acknowledge my limitations.

"Don't let the "shoulds" of false responsibilities and expectations of others derail you from being fully present, awake and engaged in what you know you need to do for yourself." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

I LOOOOOVE my family and would LOVE to be able to be there for them right now, but I can't. I have to be selfish and know that they will understand (which I think they do)... or even if they don't understand... that they'll get over it eventually and be excited to see me next year when I do choose to come home for Christmas (hopefully, during my winter-break from grad school)!

However, I do miss my family... a lot...especially this weekend! And it's lonely waking up in my apartment alone on Christmas Eve.

This morning I woke up thinking about the things that I miss...And I realized that a lot of the things I miss about Christmases of my past are things that don't even exist anymore...people have passed away...grown up...moved on...I'm nostalgic about a memory. What I miss most are things that I would not experience right now anyway...even if I was in California for the holiday.

There was something comforting in realizing that I'm longing to re-live the feeling of something that has passed. Because it made me realize that by staying in New York on Christmas, I'm not depriving myself of these things that I miss...because those things only exist in my mind. The truth is...I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

It's also comforting for me to think that... years from now...I will probably think back and miss THIS moment too! I'll think fondly back about that time when I lived in Astoria (now) and was gloriously free on Christmas Day to sleep in 'til when ever and treat myself to a movie...no obligations...no attachments...just what ever I wanted to do...where ever I wanted to go...with whom ever I wanted to be with. I can definitely imagine my future self longing for that feeling of freedom again.

So why not enjoy this moment now?...in all it's complexity of emotion.

As you are experiencing your own "moments" this weekend with your loved ones during your holiday festivities...remember to take-in the bittersweet joy and pain of each moment.. because there will never be another one quite like it. Isn't that both beautiful and heart-breaking?

Life is simple like that, life is complicated like that...and life is precious.

Every moment of  "the now" is a beautiful moment that will never be repeated. 

So don't forget, k?

Hugs,
Virginia

"The reality is that beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. So when you know that there's a constant beyond the present moment's disappointment, you can sense that "this too shall pass" -- it always has and it always will. when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!" - Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

92. For Your Consideration

When evaluating a thought or action, ask yourself this question:

Does this come from a place of LOVE or a place of FEAR?

Love = Keep going with that

Fear = Let that go and get back to LOVE

Hugs,
V

76. Rest

Rest when the work is done. This is the way of heaven. - Lao Tzu, Tao te Ching, Verse 9

:-)

Loves,
V

69. LOVE

‎"People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. They deserve to be loved, anyway." - Mother Teresa

Give love to others... even when it's difficult.

Enjoy accepting love from others... It's the most valuable gift you will ever receive.

Annnd don't forget to give yourself love, too... in your thoughts and in your actions... be loving to yourself.

There's lots of LOOOOvE to go around.

Sending you some of mine... right now.

Feel good,

Virginia

"Never regret love. No matter how blind, it improved your world view. No matter how foolish, it made you wiser. And no matter how generous, it made you more." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

  

62. Water Break

"I'm shifting gears professionally.... I'm beginning to focus intensely on where I've succeed and failed in 2011 and what I want to build in 2012 and beyond. While I've accomplished some great things this year, I know I've also dropped a lot of balls and not come close to what I'm capable of creating in the world." - Jonathan Fields 

I'm still germinating on the whole "personal statement" idea before actually setting pen to paper... or fingers to keys (as the case may be). Maybe I'll get to an actual "draft" on the plane this afternoon. 

Planes always make me sentimental and self-reflective. Something about flying and looking down at the ground beneath the clouds. Thinking about all the lives that are being lived as we pass over in the air... There's something profound about that experience.

Anyway... I've gotten some great feedback and suggestions regarding my personal statement from several wonderful readers/friends/supportive souls. So thank you to all of you that took the time to write me a response to post #59.

I am packing-up everything from this business trip in Florida now and will soon be getting back to the "real world" in New York. Florida has been a welcome change of pace and there have been several moments for reflection on this trip... which I am very grateful for.

November has been an unusually unfocused month for me... Tons of stuff going on... Difficult to clear my mind of extraneous thought to focus on one thing: writing this personal statement for Juilliard. 

But that's where I am at. And that's okay. It's real. It's honest.

And I am hoping that today, I will be able to clear a space in my head for these thoughts and ideas to coalesce into form. But, these things will happen on their own time and forcing it neeeeeeever works out well for me.

So, for now, I will take my cues from the ocean: I will go with the flow. I will let the tide of creative inspiration pull me when it will. And hopefully, the result will be a personal statement that is deep and clear, just like the blue ocean water that continuously, persistently and beautifully writes in seafoam on the shore.

Love to you all,

Virginia

"Look, and it can't be seen.
Listen, and it can't be heard.
Reach, and it can't be grasped... 

You can't know it, but you can be it,
at ease in your own life.
Just realize where you come from:
this is the essence of wisdom."- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching - Chapter 14 (translated by Stephen Mitchell)

 

59. Juilliard Personal Statement Draft

"The secret of good writing is to say an old thing in a new way or a new thing in an old way." - Richard Harding Davis, journalist and author (1864 - 1916)

Soooo I'm in West Palm Beach, FL right now... on a business trip for my "day-job."  Tough life, right?

It's beeeeeautiful here. And between doing all my job-related duties, I've been resting and taking some time to do a few things that I lovvve... like staring out at the unending horizon of the Atlantic Ocean and breathing in the smell of the sea salt or taking a luxurious bubble-bath in the ginormous hotel bath tub.

I love water. Baths seriously rule. There is nothing like the soothing feeling of warm water and the smell of super yummy fragrant suds. Very healing after a couple of very stressful/busy weeks.

Relaxing a bit is good.

Annnnd... I set myself a "grad-school-application-prep-goal" for the weekend too... I want to write-up the first draft of my Juilliard Personal Statement, which is due (along with the rest of the online application) on Dec 1st.

Hopefully, with the inspiration of being surrounded by so much beauty, comfort and H20... I will be able to come up with two pages, double-spaced in a 12-point font.

It's funny... I write about my creative process and reasons I want to go to grad school six days a week on this blog... so you'd think that I'd be like... "Personal statement? No problem!"

But I'm actually rather intimidated by the prospect of narrowing all of my millions of thoughts/feelings/ideas/reasons/motivations/inspirations for this whole grad school endeavor down into two simple pages.

I want to tell my story in a compelling and concise way. So I've got to be selective about what I chose to include. I can't tell them EVERYTHING about me. So what are the most important thing(s) that they should know about me and my story?

There are sooooo many different angles I could take. I could write 20 different personal statements and they all would be 100% TRUE, but still only a small snapshot of WHY I am making this choice of applying to grad school for the third time.

So what's the best picture to paint?

Here's what I do know for SURE... I definitely want to write about the blog and how overcoming my fear of being publicly transparent about my creative process has helped me grow as a person.

So that's that... but there are million different WAYS for me to tell that story and many different personal examples I could include... ya da, ya da.

So this is where yooooou come in...

What do you think is the best way to spin my story? You guys have been reading the blog and following my process and being believing mirrors, supporting me since I started this project back in September... and before. So I feel like you are all incredibly qualified to weighing-in on this particular subject of what best to include in my personal statement.

Need some structure to hang your thoughts on? How 'bout this...

Juilliard spells out their "Criteria for Acceptance" on the website. In auditioning and interviewing potential students, the Drama faculty looks especially for the following qualities:

• A serious commitment to an acting career in the professional theater 
• A potential for meeting the technical standards of Juilliard’s professional training program 
• A potential for vital, individualistic, trainable growth—regarded as more important than the applicant’s present state of technical accomplishment 
• Energy, openness of mind, enthusiasm, and a readiness to take risks 
• A body, voice, and imaginative/emotional powers promising significant dramatic development 
• A potential for identification with the thought process of a text 
• A generosity of spirit essential to ensemble playing 
• A sense of humor, a sense of language, a sense of rhythm, and a capacity for sustained concentration 
• A readiness for hard, rigorous work 
• All applicants must be completely fluent in written and spoken English.

That's who I want to BE!!!!

And...here are Juilliard's guidelines for writing the Personal Statement Essay:

Juilliard’s Admissions Committee uses your essay to learn more about you as an individual, and gain a sense of who you are beyond your application, transcript and audition. Please write about why you have chosen to become an actor and your personal artistic goals. We encourage you to write frankly and openly about your life, your connection to your art, and how you see your art connecting to the world. Share your passion about people or politics or other art forms or about anything that speaks to you.

So what comes to mind about Virginia Wilcox when you read all that? Any ideas sparking from anything you've read in a previous post or a conversation that we've had?

Ultimately, I know that it's going to be ME who's going to write the thing... But I am very interested in your perspective, because I feel like we're not always the best judge of our own best stories.

If you want to go the extra mile and be really super OVER-ACHIEVING... You can click on the "Personal Statement(s)" tab on the AcceptanceProject home page and gather some context from reading my two past personal statements for NYU. Then you can flaunt your knowledge by posting a incredibly insightful suggestion for possible inclusion in this year's statement in the comments at the bottom of this post.

Yes, you can help shape this girl's future success, by your participation with this blog! How cool is that?

I mean... if you were on the audition panel at Juilliard, choosing which students would be accepted to your program, and you read an essay by this blog-writing-failed-twice-but-won't-give-up-Virginia-Wilcox-actor-person... What about her would make you sit-up and take notice and motivate you to want to help her succeed as an actor soooooo much that you'd be overjoyed to take her on and work closely with her for the next four years to help mentor her into the best possible artistic collaborator she can be?

THAT's the essay I want to write.

Send me your thoughts, peeps! Let's get this draft goin'!!!

Loves,

Virginia

"The storylines we create around a particular circumstance are far more determinative of success than the circumstance itself. They affect not only our willingness to act, but the quality of our ideas and solutions." - Jonathan Fields, Uncertainty: Turning Fear & Doubt Into Fuel For Brilliance

  

58. Self-Destruction 101

"There is hardly anything worse than fatigue. It will insult you, berate your performance, cast false comparisons and sneer. Even your worst enemy is not as cruel as a tired mind." - Jennifer Gresham, Everyday Bright

Confession: I have officially over-extended myself... And all the tasks that I'm usually able to juggle in the air are dropping like bombs. 

The day-job is kicking my ASS right now. I am freakin' exhausted and have not been able to make time do any of my 5 daily practices that lead to happiness in more days than I'd care to admit. I haven't been sleeping enough. I haven't been writing my morning pages. I haven't been exercising or eating well. I haven't even been doing the dishes!!!

Life feels super sucky and stressful right now. Bleh!!!

I mean, it's not like I'm performing brain surgery at work or anything. It's just that I really want to be spending more time working on my monologues and my grad school applications and I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME right now. UGHHHHHH! It's frustrating. 

I just gotta take it moment-by-moment and breathe and get to the end of November and things will all turn out fine. I am hoping that December will be filled with me doing less and getting more of the IMPORTANT things accomplished... Not all this November busy-work that's driving me to insanity.

But in the meantime, I am noticing a reoccurring theme that happens when I hit my exhaustion threshold... I get blatantly, unabashedly, passionately SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.

You may be thinking.... "Ha! Virginia? NO WAY. She's like the QUEEN of self-care."

Yeah, right.

Well, get this... I was craving a cigarette last night... and I don't smoke. I KNOW. SCANDAL, right?

Oh, no... people... it gets worse... way worse. This is a deep, dark secret I am about to share with you...

We've all got our "go-to" self-destructive activities or whatever... those not-good-for-us things we do that help reinforce our already bad feelings about life/self/the world... And this is mine... 

~ Gulp. ~ Here goes...

I've got an email from my ex-boyfriend that I have saved in my phone that I allllllllways have the urge to read when I am really feeling self-destructive. 

DON'T JUDGE... You know you've got something that's your self-destructive equivalent... Maybe it's not an email... Maybe it's eating a full pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting or biting your cuticles (okay, I do those ones too), but there's SOMETHING...

Anyway, you KNOW it's not good for you, but you do it ANYWAY... Because you don't want to do something GOOD for you... You WANT to self-destruct! There's something soooo self-destructively satisfying about it. 

;-p

The ex-boyfriend email one of the nastiest emails I have EVER received. Oh, it is a self-torturer's dream come true!!!...

Put yourself in this scenario:

The person that you love more than anyone you've loved in your life and that you shared your heart/body/soul with for yeeeeears and yeeeeears and the person you thought had some unique insight into your soul and knew you better that anyone else in this whole-wide-world... He is telling you in WRITING that you are.... disloyal, duplicitous, competitive, a narcissist, a coward... that you lied to him, that you used him, that you never expressed remorse for what you "did to him." He goes on....You are a talker and a taker. You can't stand to be alone. You blame others for things to make yourself feel better. You were only interested in him because you weren't otherwise occupied with another guy. He'll never trust you. He doesn't want to be the "back-up-sucker you lean on when you're not feeling good about yourself." And he wraps it all up in a nice bow by ending with...I still love you and I wish you happiness.

#epiclovefail

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kill me now!!! Why do I keep reading this over-and-over? 

Help! I need my quote of a lifetime!

Wait... Self-Destruction-Fest-2011 does not end here... Ohhhhh, noooooo...

The scorned-woman Facebook message is a close second to the ex-boyfriend email... but I never have the urge to go back and READ that one. Don't need to... I have the most hurtful section MEMORIZED. 

She called me a "second-rate cruise-ship actress." OUCH!!! 

But, seriously, that REALLY hit me hard at the time. She said a lot of other mean things about my character, but none of those really resonated with me, because she didn't really know me... but the second-rate-cruise-ship-actress thing... Yikes! That HURT. 

But it was motivating too... because I felt like I resembled that remark... and I KNEW I could do better than second-rate. 

#getyourshittogether

Anyhoo... I stopped falling for cute boys who had "open relationships" and started focusing on my own life and how to move myself in the direction of "first-rate."

Sloooowly, but surely...

"It's often from a sense of discontent, feelings of incompleteness, or even a twinge of true unhappiness that the seeds of great accomplishment are sown." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

Should I really let these emails go? YES. Yes, I should. But then what would I do in my self-destructive moments? Huh? Love myself? That's not the POINT!!!

I know, I know, I know... I seriously need to go get some sleep. That solves WORLDS of problems in my own head. It's true.

H.A.LT.

Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. 

I know the self-destructive starts to happen when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. (Mostly it's TIRED that's the issue for me.) I am getting better at learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice more appropriate ways to meet my needs and resolve issues in a healthy manner... and not resorting to reading mean emails that will continue to break my heart over and over and over again.

"Being scared doesn't mean you can't make a difference, broken hearts can still love just fine, and feeling lonely doesn't mean you're actually alone." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

Imperfectly,

Virginia

"Forgive me, first love, but I'm tired. I need to get away to feel again. Try to understand why. Don't get so close to change my mind."

- Adele, First Love

50. My Ideal Body

“Shift your focus from what works in a controlled, “test tube” environment to what works in the real world. If you’re one of the small percentage of people who are genuinely drawn to lifting weights and using machines based on repetition and distraction, by all means have at it. You’re one of the lucky few. If not, cast a wider net to explore not only what, on paper, burns the most calories or builds the most muscle, but what makes exercise so enjoyable, engaging, and fulfilling that you will do whatever it takes to add more to your life every day. You need to find a way to feel good about exercising and to feel good while exercising.” – Jonathan Fields, Uncertainty: Turning Fear And Doubt Into Fuel For Brilliance

Everybody knows they should exercise and that the benefits are a healthier body and a longer life-span.  Duh! But I have found those to be not-so-motivating motivations when it comes to actually taking ACTION and exercising consistently. And I suspect I'm not the only one. 

Getting back into my ideal body, a.k.a… how I looked/felt when I was 19… has been a huge part of my creative process this year. Yes… CREATIVE… because with all my daily choices, I realize that I am slowly creating the body that I am living in! 

So I might as well make some good choices to feel good in the body that I've got, right? 

Simple. Logical. 

But how to motivate myself to not just talk about doing it, but to actually DO IT?  

Since May 2011, I have been committed myself to re-learning how I think about my relationship with food and my relationship with various kinds of physical activities… and all of this with the assistance, guidance, care and sometimes annoying enthusiasm of My Body Tutor, Adam Gilbert.

Actually, I feel like I haven’t been completely transparent with you guys by not writing about him more on the blog… because he’s such a HUGE part of my life every single day and a major champion of mine in ALL things. And, seriously, I have lost 20 lbs since May and I feel wonderful… and during that time I had two surgeries and still lost weight and he’s helped me to overcome my fear of getting back into dance class again and incorporating pilates and yoga and even some weight-lifting into my weekly routine… which I NEVER thought I would feel comfortable doing. I am in the best shape of my life as I sit and write these words. True story.

I will never regret my investment of time and money and energy working with Adam. I am a much more fearless and waaaay happier individual because of the personal growth I have experienced as a result of my daily commitment to my body and my time with MBT.

I found Adam, by chance, reading a blog post that he had written about consistency being the key to success in fitness. His philosophy about sustainable lifestyle change that works for YOU and gets you the results that YOU want… made me so excited to work with him! I had been hoping to find something like his program for a while and it came across my computer screen at just the right time for me. 

I was sick of feeling crappy in my body. I was ready to make a change. NO MORE EXCUSES!!! What was I so afraid of? Failing? I was already failing every single day to support my body in being the healthiest it could be. Now is the time for ACTION!

I knew what I needed to do (exercise & eat more nutritious foods) and I knew how I wanted to feel (SEXY/ENERGETIC/YOUNG) and how I wanted to look (HOT), I just didn’t know HOW I would motivate myself to be consistent enough to make those things happen or if the things I thought might work would actually yield the results that I was hoping for.

And I was scared. I'm no fitness expert! I needed SUPPORT!!! 

I knew I would need someone to tell me to stick with it when I didn't feel like sticking with it anymore and someone would be there to applaud me when I chose to have frozen yogurt instead of donuts!!! And from reading Adam's blog and alll about his fitness philosophy, he seemed like the right guy for the job!

I knew that if I committed to working with MBT, that he would be my resource for all fitness/nutrition related knowledge and that if I had a question he didn’t already know the answer to… that he’d find out for me. AND he'd totally be my champion, my cheerleader through the tough parts of the journey. Because, let me tell you, this guy is MOTIVATED. He LOOOOOVES his job… helping people change their own lives and find long-term, happy, sustainable ways to eat healthy and exercise in ways that his clients will be able to ENJOY and therefore CONTINUE and feel AMAZING in their bodies and EMPOWERED to take control of the one thing that many people feel like they can’t control… their own body.

I can honestly say that I would not be writing this blog, if it wasn’t for Adam. (He has his own awesome blog too at Guru Gilbert.) And was generous enough to be my blog mentor also! Waaaaay above and beyond his duties as my body tutor.

I could seriously write a novel about all of the ways that MyBodyTutor has helped me to grow as a human being, both physically and psychologically. But most importantly, it has shown me what awesome outcomes can happen by committing to doing something consistently, a little bit at a time, every single day.

Baby steps get big things done… It's not overwhelming if you just take it from moment to moment... One meal, one workout at a time…

All these same transformational skills I’ve learned from doing MBT can lead to success in any goal or whatever kind of life you might want to create for yourself.

One blog post… one monologue… one audition at a time… Adam and I joke that when I get accepted to grad school I can write a testimonial for him called “How MBT got me into Graduate School.” Ha!!! Wouldn’t that be awesome!?! Hope I actually get to write that.

Get the support you need in order to help yourself succeed, I say! And though Adam has HELPED me to make things happen… I know that it was actually ME that did the work… myself. And that makes me feel sooooo great. I CAN CHANGE and it doesn’t have to be HARD and I don’t have to do it someone else’s way. It can be FUN and EASY and SLOW and SUSTAINABLE and I can do it MY way and be successful at reaching my goals. That’s what works for me and the kind of life experience I want to have. And I FEEEEL wonderful… mind and body… for giving myself the gift of a commitment to a healthier me!

Anyhoo, I love MBT. Had to share.

If you have any questions about My Body Tutor, please feel free to email me at viavirginiawilcox at gmail dot com or you can email Adam Gilbert directly at adam at my body tutor dot com. It’s an online program. So he can help you get into your ideal body from ANYWHERE!

You can do it. No joke.

And when you do get into your ideal body and you feel F#*ING AMAZING... I do also accept "thank you" notes at the above email address as well. 

:-)

Be well,

Virginia

Photo by Dylan Patrick Photography

“My idea of hell would be seeing what you could have accomplished if only you had tried your hardest.” – Adam Gilbert, My Body Tutor

  

49. Setting My Intention For The Week

“Be gentle with yourself, but do the work.”

This will be my theme for the week.

Stuff’s gotta get done, for sure… and I want to accomplish things… but not push myself sooooo hard that it becomes counter-productive and I’m falling over with exhaustion and crying into my scrambled eggs... So unnecessary.

Gentleness and listening to one’s own internal barometer are KEY to happiness… 

And consistent actions are KEY to doing the work…

Balance? Ha! Easier said than done.

“Stop trying to control others and focus instead on being kind to them.” - Leo Babauta, Zenhabits.net 

The above quote applies to the self too! 

Focus on KINDNESS! 

Self-kindness = super important… and nice... especially while working.

Love,

V

  

44. Looking For A Good Time? Do Dishes.

"The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is, on the contrary, born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else - we are the busiest people in the world." - Eric Hoffer, philosopher & author (1902-1983)

Hey, Peeps!

I know you all have busy, busy lives. That’s the way of the world these days, right?

I often forget that I need to give myself space to actually ENJOY my life. Every time I check something off the to-do list, it just seems to get longer.

In the interest of regaining some of my sanity, I am going to be mindful to single-task today. I will do one thing at a time and enjoy focusing on doing that one thing really, really well.

What will you do today to be more mindful and experience a deeper sense of joy? Don’t know? Need inspiration?

Here’s a gift for you! … A guest post from my FAVORITE blog: ZenHabits. See below…

Love,

V

The Mindfulness Guide for the Super Busy: How to Live Life to the Fullest 

Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on Twitter.

 

“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” - Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist monk

The idea of being mindful — being present, being more conscious of life as it happens — seems a bit impossible to many of the super busy.

But not only is it possible, I’d submit that it’s desirable, and that it’ll help the busy (and non-busy) achieve their goals and enjoy life more fully…

 “Do you have patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?” - Lao Tzu

How to Be Mindful

1. Do one thing at a time. Single-task, don’t multi-task. When you’re pouring water, just pour water. When you’re eating, just eat. When you’re bathing, just bathe. Don’t try to knock off a few tasks while eating or bathing or driving. Zen proverb: “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.”

2. Do it slowly and deliberately. You can do one task at a time, but also rush that task. Instead, take your time, and move slowly. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. It takes practice, but it helps you focus on the task.

3. Do less. If you do less, you can do those things more slowly, more completely and with more concentration. If you fill your day with tasks, you will be rushing from one thing to the next without stopping to think about what you do. But you’re busy and you can’t possibly do less, right? You can. I’ve done it, and so have many busy people. It’s a matter of figuring out what’s important, and letting go of what’s not. Read more: The Lazy Manifesto: Do Less.

4. Put space between things. Related to the “Do less” rule, but it’s a way of managing your schedule so that you always have time to complete each task. Don’t schedule things close together — instead, leave room between things on your schedule. That gives you a more relaxed schedule, and leaves space in case one task takes longer than you planned.

5. Spend at least 5 minutes each day doing nothing. Just sit in silence. Become aware of your thoughts. Focus on your breathing. Notice the world around you. Become comfortable with the silence and stillness. It’ll do you a world of good — and just takes 5 minutes!

6. Stop worrying about the future – focus on the present. Become more aware of your thinking — are you constantly worrying about the future? Learn to recognize when you’re doing this, and then practice bringing yourself back to the present. Just focus on what you’re doing, right now. Enjoy the present moment.

7. When you’re talking to someone, be present. How many of us have spent time with someone but have been thinking about what we need to do in the future? Or thinking about what we want to say next, instead of really listening to that person? Instead, focus on being present, on really listening, on really enjoying your time with that person.

8. Eat slowly and savor your food. Food can be crammed down our throats in a rush, but where’s the joy in that? Savor each bite, slowly, and really get the most out of your food. Interestingly, you’ll eat less this way, and digest your food better as well.

9. Live slowly and savor your life. Just as you would savor your food by eating it more slowly, do everything this way — slow down and savor each and every moment. As I type this, for example, I have my 3-year-old daughter, Noelle, on my lap. She’s just sitting here quietly, as the rain pours down in a hush outside. What a lovely moment. In fact, I’m going to take a few minutes off just to be with her now. Be right back. :)

10. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as drudgery, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness, and can be great rituals performed each day. If cooking and cleaning seem like boring chores to you, try doing them as a form of meditation. Put your entire mind into those tasks, concentrate, and do them slowly and completely. It could change your entire day (as well as leave you with a cleaner house).

11. Keep practicing. When you get frustrated, just take a deep breath. When you ask yourself, “What should I do now, Self?”, the answer is “keep practicing”.

“When you drive around the city and come to a red light or a stop sign, you can just sit back and make use of these twenty or thirty seconds to relax — to breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy arriving in the present moment. There are many things like that we can do.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

I’ll leave you with a video from one of my favorite mindfulness teachers, Thich Nhat Hanh (check out his books, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life, and True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart):

42. “New Thoughts For Actors” or “Jack Plotnick Is My HERO”

“Most of us go around thinking that not only are the thoughts in our head the truth, but that everyone else has the same thoughts, and holds the same things to be true. This is exactly why people go to therapy.  It is to find the things that we take as “truth”, that other people don’t. As soon as we realize that other people don’t necessarily feel the same way, we are freed from the constraints of that old belief.” – Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors 

Ladies and Gentlemen… my new HERO, Mr. Jack Plotnick…

In my on-camera class at The Barrow Group (which has no affiliation with Jack Plotnick, FYI.), I recently made another HUGE self-discovery...

I. Have. Issues.

Lol! It’s true. I know you guys are all in shock at this information.

Fo realz… I’ve got some major negative-thought issues that seriously inhibit my own personal enjoyment of my work as an actor. The end result may be a “good scene,” but at what cost? If I spend the whole time SUFFERING in my own head while doing it, is it really worth it?... NO! 

Ugh! Bleh. Torturing oneself with negative thoughts of self-doubt feels sucky and is no way to build a sustainable career. Acting should feel FUN and EASY… and if it feels that way… It’ll probably look that way too. 

And by learning how to get these unhelpful negative thoughts gone from my brain, perhaps others will be inspired to do the same. Then we can all be happy, living in our fun, non-judgmental world of creative joy!   J Ha!

So here’s my main issue…

When I get overwhelmed as an actor… (for any reason) incorporating new business, new acting notes, new lines, anything that needs to be adjusted on-the-fly with no time for “practice” or “preparation”… I suffer in my own head… big-time… Negative thought over-load! 

Why? Because I have this BELIEF that with no time to practice I will never be able to do it RIGHT and hence I am about to FAIL and therefore I am a BAD actor that no one will ever want to work with and my bad acting is about to be recorded on-camera and EMBARRASS me for all recorded time. 

~Shudder ~ Terrifying… and TOTALLY FALSE.

Here’s what Jack Plotnick has to say about my negative overreaction to actor-overwhelm:

““If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical.” In other words, if your reaction to something is bigger and more emotional than the situation really calls for (“hysterical”), then you are not really reacting to the present situation, but to some situation in your past (“historical”).”

Oh, Jack... your bounty of wisdom knows no bounds! 

Yes. I am being hysterical and I do know that it’s rooted in some historical s*#t. True dat.

However… I do not have to be a victim to these historically ingrained bad habits of the mind! Cut to Jack...

In becoming more self-aware about my self-destructive-self-talk-issue I can now start to practice seeing this issue for what it REALLY is… an illusion of my own creation.

The REALITY is... I am just as capable of being "connected" in a scene with 2 minutes of preparation as I am with 2 weeks of preparation. In fact, sometimes 2 minutes of preparation is preferable, ‘cause I won’t have time to over-think things and end up too polished and boring. Having 2 minutes of preparation forces me to stay in the moment and listen and react because I LITERALLY don’t know what’s about to happen in the scene. Now... if I can just learn to trust and not be so afraid of the "not-knowing" thing... THAT's the key to having a good scene and ENJOYING the experience of being in it. 

AWWWESOME!

So, as Jack recommends, when my self-destructive thoughts come up, I can use an affirmation to disempower the negativity avalanche in that very moment… like…

“I release and destroy my need to get this right... F*%k it. Dare to do it WRONG.”

OR

“I am going to take it from where I am. The amount of preparation I have done on this scene is enough for me to approach this scene as an improv.”

That'll shut my "vulture" up, right quick! And that will lead to...

FREEEEEEDOM!!!! 

Now I can play! Now I can be in the scene and not be wasting my energy judging my own performance while I’m in it... which is soooo not helpful to doing good work.

And the more I practice this affirmation technique, the better I will get at it. Until, eventually, I will have created a new HABIT Of POSITIVE THOUGHT and my old, forgotten, negative way of thinking won’t even BE an issue anymore. 

That’s what I’m looking forward to… And I’ll get there too...

One. Thought. And. One. Affirmation. At. A. Time.

After all… a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. So I might as well spend my time thinking some really good thoughts and begin to BELIEVE that I am a great actor… because if I don't believe it, how will anyone else believe it? 

But more importantly, I LOVE acting and I want it to be an enjoyable experience... always!

Anyhoo, enough about me. What about YOU? We've all got issues... and even if you're not an actor, these same skills apply. 

What’s your issue? Is there an affirmation that you can create to counter-act it?

Don’t sit idly by and let fear and negative thoughts control you! It’s never going to help you do anything great in this life. And you are a powerful being with love and talent and gifts to give the world, if you will get out of your own way and let your light shine! Soooo, find your affirmation! Listen to your TRUE voice… a voice based in LOVE.

For more inspiration and some really useful tools… check out Jack Plotnick’s FREE online book New Thoughts For Actors: A Practical Guide ToLoving Acting (and even auditioning!) Again.

Vultures are for the birds,

Virginia

P.S. Just for fun, watch this…

33. Don’t Go To The Hardware Store Looking For Oranges

“Get out of the habit of asking anyone for anything. Become self-reliant. The truth of the matter is nobody else has anything that you truly need.” – Kathryn Bild, Acting From A Spiritual Perspective

I live in a great little borough, east of Manhattan, called Queens. Astoria is my neighborhood. It’s one of these places that still has little “Mom and Pop” family-owned specialty stores. You buy fish at the fish market, meat at the meat market and bread at the corner bakery… that kind of thing. 

It’s great. You walk in the door at the hardware store. You know what you want… nails. It’s a hardware store. They’ve got TONS of nails. You get the size nails you need and you’re out the door, a happy satisfied customer. Easy.

Hypothetical situation …

Imagine what happens if you go to the hardware store expecting to find oranges... Well, sadly, you’re going to be disappointed, because the hardware store doesn’t carry oranges. And, in Astoria, the guy behind the counter will probably laugh, make fun of you in Greek, look at you like you’re slightly insane or possibly wonder if you're making some kind of innuendo when you ask him where he’s hiding the fruit. 

If you’re looking for actual oranges, go find a fruit stand. It will be a much more enjoyable and successful shopping experience for everyone.

In relationships... 

There are certain people that we know we can go to with certain needs in our emotional lives. I know that if I need a compassionate listening ear and some smart insight, I can call Haley and that’s what I’ll get. That’s just who she is with me. She cannot help but be herself. So I know I’m gonna go away from our conversation having benefited from Haley’s loving heart and unique point-of-view. Expectation met! (Thanks, H. Love you.)

I wish this was only a hypothetical situation…

What happens when you need a compassionate listening ear and some smart insight and you decide to take your vulnerable heart to a “friend” with a social skill-set that demonstrates neither compassion nor insight?Well, you’ll probably be frustrated and end up hurt. Or maybe you will blame that "compassionless-friend" for not being what you expected/wanted/needed them to be for you and end up angry. But why do we allow this to happen to ourselves?  I mean, who’s in-the-wrong here, really?

A hardware store is not a fruit stand and should not be expected to carry oranges any more than a fruit stand should be expected to sell power-tools. Therefore, “compassionless-friend” should not be expected to have compassion. 

Be smart about your emotional expectations. People are who they are.

Hardware store owners sell hardware. Fruit stand shopsmen sell fruit. That’s what they DO… It has nothing to do with trying to withhold anything from YOU. They just don’t have what you need. Accept that. Love them, but don’t expect them to make you feel good about who you are. That’s your job.

Don’t go to the hardware store looking for oranges.

Be smart with yo’ heart. Find a fruit stand.

Love,

Virginia

P.S. Confession… This is another fun lesson in life that I seem to need to learn over and over and over again... Hence the blog-post about it. These lessons can make for some funny stories though… In my life, moments of epiphany can come at the oddest times and involve things like quinoa salad and bbq sauce… but I think I’ll save that one for next time we’re hanging out at the bar. Order me a gin and tonic with a twist of lime… and we’ll swap some of our hard-learned secrets of adulthood.

“If something is not working, don’t take it personally. Examine the situation for lessons and ask how you can be more cooperative in order to shift things. Stay out of martyrdom as much as possible and always take a proactive position.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path