Showing posts with label Boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boundaries. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

171. Those Who Truly Love You Will Understand

"Ours is a stimulating world -- often an overstimulating one...we have our families, our friends, our jobs, and our other pursuits -- all potential sources of stress and sensory overload...If "still waters run deep," the noisy rapids of our lives make it hard to be anything but shallow. Our deeper selves are muffled, overtaxed, and overextended. Our sensibilities are stripped of their fine tuning. We become numb to our own responses and reactions. Life is "too much" for many of us... 
Our energies are drained not by coping with our output of creative energy but from coping with the ceaseless inflow of distractions and distresses that bid for our time, attention, and emotional involvement. As artists, we are great listeners, and as the volume is pitched too high, our inner ear and our inner work suffers. 
When a creative artist is fatigued, it is often from too much inflow, not too much outflow. When we are making something, we are listening to an inner voice that has many things to tell us -- if we will listen. It is hard to listen amid the chatter. It is hard to listen amid chaos. It is hard to listen amid the static of ungrounded and demanding energy. 
Contrary to mythology about us, artists are generous, often overly generous. We listen to others deeply, sometimes too deeply for our own good. We are susceptible to their hurt feelings and their pouting when we withdraw, and so sometimes we do listen to them even as our creative energy ebbs out of our own life and into theirs. This creates exhaustion, irritation, and, finally, rage.
It's not that we are unwilling to share our time and attention. It is that people must give us the courtesy of listening accurately to our needs about when and how we can do it...We have the right to determine along what lines we want our energies to flow. For this reason, we may need to draw more boundaries than many people, and those who love us must be conscious that unless they can respect this, they are not a friend at all. 
As artists, our inflow level must be kept manageable and we must "train" our friends and families and colleagues at work when and how we need our space, both physical and psychic... 
This is why busy executives have secretaries -- to monitor their inflow and keep it from becoming overwhelming to their creative process... 
Virginia Woolf said all artists need a room of their own... 
An artist requires solitude and quiet -- which is different from solemnity and isolation. Artists require respect for their thoughts and their process, but that respect must start with us. An artist needs to be treated well -- but often we are the ones who must begin that treatment, and one way we do it is by carefully setting our own valve on how much inflow is allowed to come into us." 
- Chapter 6: Discovering a Sense of Boundaries, Walking In This World


The above is taken from Julia Cameron's wonderful book Walking In This World: The Practical Art of Creativity. I had the opportunity to read and "work through" this book with a group of fellow artists while we were performing in Shanghai, China in 2009.

Julia's world-view and musings on the creative artist's mind have truly changed my life. She writes incredibly honest and nuturing books on creativity.

If you like what you read above and would like to find out more, please check out her website and find something that speaks to you. Pick up a copy or download it to your phone/computer/iPad/Kindle. Her words will help you to enrich your enjoyment of your own creative process...guaranteed.

Be courageous. Speak up for yourself. Nurture your inner artist. Set the boundaries you need.

The crazy-makers will get pissed-off...and those who truly love you will understand.

Loves,
V

Sunday, February 5, 2012

132. Overwhelmed

Whew!!!!

I had such grandiose plans for the evening, guys...

I was going to post the 5th installment of the Juilliard Drama Audition series...and start writing my Yale Drama Audition post...and clean my room... and do laundry for the coming week... and get to bed before 11pm.

Oh! And did I mention that I auditioned for Yale at 10am this morning?

I know!!!! Am expecting myself to be able to accomplish waaaaaay too many things, or what?

So rather than half-assing everything...I'm just going to admit to you all...

I am overwhelmed.

I will be posting the 5th installment of the Juillard Auditions...but it won't be tonight...and I will be posting about my experience about the Yale Auditions...but it probably won't be 'til later this week. Gotta get all my thoughts together on that one.

I'm keepin' it real with ya'll.  I am POOPED!

I have got to detach myself from this computer and go to sleep, like, pronto!

Sending you all sooooo much Super Bowl love...Gooooooo team!...(Whichever one you happen to be cheering for. I will cheer for them too...while I fall asleep on my pillow.)

Loves,
V

"In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: they must be fit for it; they must not do too much of it; and they must have a sense of success in it." - John Ruskin, author, art critic & social reformer (1819-1900)
 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

95. Premonitions Of Nostalgia

"Your primary relationship needs to be with yourself, not your family, business, country, culture, or ethnicity. Affirm: The number one priority in my life is my relationship with my Source of being. Go there first, before any other considerations, and you'll automatically discontinue demanding more of anything else. You'll begin to emulate the Tao effortlessly, living heaven on earth." - Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

I'm not going home to Walnut Creek for Christmas this year. In fact, I hardly ever make it home for Christmas. Historically, this has simply been because I am either... A. working or B. can't afford a plane ticket. However, neither really apply this year... yet, I am still not traveling home for Christmas. Why? Well, this year's reason is a little more complex...

I am staying in New York for emotional self-protection.

I don't know how that may sound to you upon first-read, but let me explain a bit...

My parents were married for 30 years...and recently they decided to divorce. So Christmas at "home" is not what it once was. And being with my family in California brings up a lot of very deep-rooted emotional feelings for me...feelings that I'm still in the process of working through...that our whole family is in the process of working through.

"You should never sacrifice yourself in an attempt to save someone else. You cannot save anyone but yourself. When you make a strong commitment for something important that represents the next step in your evolution, you need to put boundaries around it and protect it from all the energies that are not compatible. This may require some hard choices of cutting off certain relationships, practices, habits and influences. If it does not feel good, say no and don't do it. If it feels good, say yes and go for it. You don't need to know how or why." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

Now, because I'm challenging myself big-time with this HUGE goal that means sooooo much to me (namely, this blog and this grad-school application thing) and it's required a ton of energy and focus for me to stick-with-it emotionally and psychologically...to stay positive and stay motivated and keep myself in a healthy-happy-mind-set...for all of these reasons...I needed to set a boundary for myself to protect this dream and to stay in New York for Christmas.

"Commitment is more about saying "no" than "yes." - Jennifer Gresham, Everyday Bright

I have to protect my energy and my focus right now. I cannot allow myself to be thrown-for-a-loop by things that I know I cannot control. I only have so much strength and have to acknowledge my limitations.

"Don't let the "shoulds" of false responsibilities and expectations of others derail you from being fully present, awake and engaged in what you know you need to do for yourself." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

I LOOOOOVE my family and would LOVE to be able to be there for them right now, but I can't. I have to be selfish and know that they will understand (which I think they do)... or even if they don't understand... that they'll get over it eventually and be excited to see me next year when I do choose to come home for Christmas (hopefully, during my winter-break from grad school)!

However, I do miss my family... a lot...especially this weekend! And it's lonely waking up in my apartment alone on Christmas Eve.

This morning I woke up thinking about the things that I miss...And I realized that a lot of the things I miss about Christmases of my past are things that don't even exist anymore...people have passed away...grown up...moved on...I'm nostalgic about a memory. What I miss most are things that I would not experience right now anyway...even if I was in California for the holiday.

There was something comforting in realizing that I'm longing to re-live the feeling of something that has passed. Because it made me realize that by staying in New York on Christmas, I'm not depriving myself of these things that I miss...because those things only exist in my mind. The truth is...I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

It's also comforting for me to think that... years from now...I will probably think back and miss THIS moment too! I'll think fondly back about that time when I lived in Astoria (now) and was gloriously free on Christmas Day to sleep in 'til when ever and treat myself to a movie...no obligations...no attachments...just what ever I wanted to do...where ever I wanted to go...with whom ever I wanted to be with. I can definitely imagine my future self longing for that feeling of freedom again.

So why not enjoy this moment now?...in all it's complexity of emotion.

As you are experiencing your own "moments" this weekend with your loved ones during your holiday festivities...remember to take-in the bittersweet joy and pain of each moment.. because there will never be another one quite like it. Isn't that both beautiful and heart-breaking?

Life is simple like that, life is complicated like that...and life is precious.

Every moment of  "the now" is a beautiful moment that will never be repeated. 

So don't forget, k?

Hugs,
Virginia

"The reality is that beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. So when you know that there's a constant beyond the present moment's disappointment, you can sense that "this too shall pass" -- it always has and it always will. when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!" - Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life



Monday, November 14, 2011

61. They've Messed With The Wrong One Now

"The capacity to do great things is mightily dependent upon one's ability to do little, baby, trite, mortal, dull and sometimes silly things." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

I'm reading Gail Collins' bestseller The Amazing Journey of American Women From 1960 To The Present: When Everything Changed (for funsies).

And you know who is truly an AMAZING, COURAGEOUS, SHARP-AS-A-TAC and TOTALLY INSPIRING woman?

Rosa Parks

I would love to be half as smart and courageous as she has been in serving her community. She has been a huge force for CHANGE in her own small way. Her simple act of sitting down and staying put on that bus in 1955 has impacted America in a huge way!

DO NOT MESS WITH THIS WOMAN. She is a gentle lady, but she will not be your doormat. She will stand-up for herself... by sitting down and politely refusing to accept disrespectful, unjust and discriminatory treatment.

Check out this quote from Gail's kick-ass history book...

"Parks, an old schoolmate remembered, was "self-sufficient, competent, and dignified" even as a child, a student who always wore a clean uniform, planned ahead, and never sneaked over to the boys' side of the school like some of the other girls did. Even in defiance, she was a perfect lady. When the Montgomery bus driver told her to give up her seat to a white man or be arrested, the petite, middle-aged seamstress calmly replied, "You may do that." Later, when her husband begged her not to allow herself to be turned into a test case, she coolly went ahead. ("He had a perfect terror of white people," recalled a friend. "The night we went to get Mrs. Parks from the jail, we went back to her apartment and he was drunk and he kept saying, 'Oh, Rosa, Rosa, don't do it, don't do it.... The white folks will kill you.'") When she appeared for her court date, she wore a long-sleeved black dress with white cuffs and a small velvet hat with pearls across the top. "They've messed with the wrong one now," cried out a black teenager, who turned out to be absolutely correct.... Rosa Parks's simple act of defiance in 1955 marked the beginning of the modern civil rights movement."

Rosa would no longer accept the status quo. She would no longer accept discrimination. She would no longer accept being treated with disrespect. She would not accept unequal treatment. She would not be undervalued. She knew she deserved better... and she knew her fellow black Americans deserved better too. So she sat and refused to get up. All. By. Herself.

Ballsy!

But she wasn't going to start a riot or scream and shout about it or stick a gun in somebody's face. She just sat down and would not move. She knew that was within her power to do and she did it. Simple.

I want to be like Rosa and find ways to "sit down for myself" and not accept disrespectful, unequal or discriminatory treatment from others. Thankfully I've never experienced discrimination to the extremes that Mrs. Parks and many others have had to endure, but I have certainly experienced some major disrespect and sometimes abusive treatment from others... verbal abuse, sexual harassment, gender discrimination, age discrimination, class discrimination, discrimination based on appearance or job-level or race... We've all had it at some point, in some way... and it feels TERRIBLE.

Disrespect that hits me close-to-home and breaks my heart to hear about... is disrespect toward actors. Ugh! It's so awful to hear stories like this one... CLICK HERE.

I wish that I was surprised by this incident when I first read about it, but unfortunately I wasn't shocked in the least. This kind of attitude and disrespectful treatment of actors is not uncommon and it really breaks my heart to acknowledge that reality.

Rudeness and disrespect are soooo unnecessary.

EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT.

Let's be kind to each other and treat each other with care, as equals on this journey of humanity. It takes a bit of extra effort sometimes, but it's soooooo worth it.

If you give respect, you are much more likely to get it back too. Nice, right?

Compassion and empathy are signs of strength. Cruelty is weak. And karma is REAL.

Rest assured... I would be very unlikely to attend a casting call for a casting director that has a reputation for rude or disrespectful behavior toward actors... whether they "tweet it" or not. Life's too short to put up with that kind of behavior.

Unprofessionalism?... No thanks!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T... Yes, please!

Accept nothing less.

Kindness is worth the effort. I'll sit down for that.

Love,
V

"Being fair and reasonable will earn you respect and admiration, but being genuinely kind will make you a total love magnet." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe




Tuesday, November 8, 2011

56. Just Say No

“The brighter your light, the more you attract… everything. Moths and butterflies. At which point you begin learning what to celebrate and what to let fly on by… or who.” – Mike Dooley, Tut’s Universe

I have a hard-time knowing when to set boundaries in relationships sometimes. I wish this was easy and clear for me. But I am naturally a "giver" and I have this instinct to take care of people and their feelings... even when it's not really necessary or beneficial to either of us.

I’m becoming more aware of this. But it’s been a slooooow process.

I think it comes back to my identity. I see myself as a nurturing person who sees the potential in people. I love being able to see beyond what’s literally happening in this moment, to the greatness that is possible in the future.

But, in relationships, it’s also a big investment of energy to give that kind of focus to someone… and right now… that is the focus/love/energy that I want to be giving to myself in order to keep the Acceptance Project going and to make the progress I need to make to prepare for my grad school auditions.

However, letting someone “fly on by” is not hard if they’re going away all on their own… But what about when they’d like to spend time with you?

And you have to be the one to say… “Well, I work 35 hours a week plus a lot of overtime in the month of November because work is crazy/busy, I blog about 15 hours a week, I try to sleep 8 hours a night, I exercise 3-4 days a week and I am working on preparing the written applications and essays for grad school and the 4 monologues required for the audition and try to have the occasional brunch with a friend. I am really in love with what I am doing in my life right now… and you are just not a high enough priority to tempt me to be a distraction from all of that.”

Yikes!

Feels a bit mean/harsh to me… But it’s honest. 

I just wish I could feel “nice” while communicating that idea… but I just don’t. I feel like I am letting a fellow human being down and I don’t like that feeling at all.

However, not feeling "nice" hasn’t actually stopped me from setting the necessary boundaries recently. I feel mean, but I set the boundaries anyway. 

In action, I have been extremely protective of my time and who I spend it with, but I do still feel a little bit guilty.

I wish that I could be all things to all people. But I can’t.

As a recovering “people-pleaser” I realize that I can only be me and do what I need to do to live my life the best way that I know how in this moment and that what other people want/think/feel about that is really irrelevant.

I really need to focus on taking really good care of myself, because the path I've committed myself to is not an easy one for me.

And learning to take good care of myself includes getting really good at setting limits with others… because nobody’s gonna do it for me… Nor should they. That’s my job. But getting good at it takes practice. And I know it will get easier the more I do it.

Boundary-Setting 101

Ha ha ha! I really wish I had aced that class in school. 

I just want to be able to do what I want to do and not care so much about hurting people’s feelings. They can take care of themselves, right?... Right.

I can still be a "good person" and take care of myself first.

So give me a call and ask me if I want to hang-out… and it’ll give me an opportunity to get over the mini-freak-out that I inevitably have in my own head about disappointing someone I love and  say “No, thanks! Gotta focus on building my dreams right now.”

Loves,
V

“Instilling ethics is a timeless objective. We need to talk about it because it gets into everything we do every day. Every situation gives us a choice, and the key is to have that moral compass that points you in the right direction regardless of the situation.” – Mohammed Aljishi

  

Saturday, October 15, 2011

35. Post-It Note Wisdom

“You should never sacrifice yourself in an attempt to save someone else. You cannot save anyone but yourself. When you make a strong commitment for something important that represents the next step in your evolution, you need to put boundaries around it and protect it from all the energies that are not compatible. This may require some hard choices of cutting off certain relationships, practices, habits and influences. If it does not feel good, say no and don’t do it. If it feels good, say yes and go for it. You don’t need to know how or why.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path

Ya know when you’re happily moving along in your life, thinking everthing is normal and then you get a phone call… and the universe throws you a curve ball that starts you spinning into total chaos? 

Yeah. Well, welcome to my Saturday. 

I know we’ve all been there. Sooo in the interest of being self-loving and giving myself some much-needed encouragement at this moment… I decided to pull out the above quote for sustenance.

In fact, I think I’m going to write it on a Post-it note and carry it around in my pocket today. It’ll be a good moment-to-moment reminder and hopefully help me maintain my sanity.

Me brain is struggling right now to juggle a lot of deep-emotion-triggering new information. Gotta pull out some major inspiration to counter-act the crazy.

This one’s a goodie too…

“Remember that you cannot please everyone and you certainly cannot fix or heal anyone else but yourself. In the area of boundaries, be responsible for what is yours and not for what isn’t. It is very simple even though we try and make it complicated.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path

Complicated? Yeah. How about PAINFUL?! Bleh. Emotions are so annoying sometimes. I mean, I’m glad to have empathy… otherwise I’d be some kind of sociopath, but at a certain point... some boundaries need to be set. Truly.

Breathe. It’s all going to work out fine, Wilcox. No need to freak out. Take comfort in your Post-it note. Go do one or two of your 5 daily practices that lead to happiness

Let it be.

Wishing you all a sane Saturday, devoid of curve-balls… or if not… maybe you can join me in some Post-it-note-carrying-wisdom!


Loves,
V

“We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.” – William Arthur Ward