180. Last Post Of The Project

"You may want something, work hard to achieve it, and in your process achieve something even greater than your original goal. So don't get married to what you imagine is the result of your pursuit, just be involved in the pursuit. Besides, you already have a job. Your job is to be a joyful artist. No one can take that away from you." - Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors

Let's start by revisiting the mission statement of this blog as I envisioned it back in September 2011:

"This is my 3rd year applying to the MFA Acting Programs at NYU and Yale and my 1st year applying at Juilliard. I am blogging to record my process of preparation. From Sept 5th, 2011 to Apr 1st, 2012, I will post 6 days a week on all subjects related to my creative process and my application and audition preparation... Though my short-term goal is to be accepted to the grad school of my dreams, this is but a step toward the long-term goal of building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!"

Did I complete the project according to the guidelines specified above?

Yes.

Do I consider this a success?

Yes.

Did I get accepted to grad school?

The jury is still out, actually...Well, I do know this...It's not Yale and not Juilliard, not this year anyway.

But I am currently an alternate (one of two) for the 2012 entering class for NYU Grad Acting. Soooo I could possibly get a call if someone drops out...even up-to the day before classes begin. OR...I could never hear from them again.

Either way...I got waaaaaaaay further than I have in the past two years that I've auditioned for grad schools...and, more importantly, because of the blog the EXPERIENCE of the entire process was sooooooo much more fun and challenging and rewarding than it ever was before.

Do I consider this a success?

Yes...I'm going for progress. And progress has been made.

One of the other reasons I started this blog, was because I WISHED SO MUCH that someone else had started a blog like this to share their process when I was first auditioning for grad school.

My first year, the process was sooooo lonely and I had NO CLUE what I was doing and I reeeeeeeally wanted to know what the process had REALLY been like for other people that were eventually accepted. I mean, what were they really thinking at the time when they were preparing to audition? Were they really as unsure as I was about whether or not they would succeed at this endeavor?

But I didn't know a lot of people that had been through it, and those that I did know...I was too scared to ask them to reveal all the inner-workings of it all.

And, besides, it's easy to look back in retrospect once you've already succeeded and go "Oh, I did this or that." But what were you ACTUALLY THINKING at the time before you KNEW you'd succeed???...That's what interested me the most.

Were these successful people having the same thoughts and struggles as I was? The same kind of experience? Or did they know some secret that I didn't know? Were those people that had gotten into these programs just as scared as I was that they weren't good enough to "make-it?"...Yet...they made it happen anyway. So if they could do it...why not me?

The nice thing about auditioning for graduate school is...you can keep trying again.

2010 = 1st year of auditioning at NYU &  Yale  = calledback at NYU, but not accepted

2011 = 2nd year of auditioning at NYU & Yale = waitlisted at NYU, but not accepted

Soooooo when I came upon my third year of auditioning at NYU, Yale and now Juilliard (since they now offer an MFA)...and I realized that I had learned a lot about what it takes to make solid showing at grad school auditions...I thought, "Dude! I could write a blog about this! Ha!" And though I am no expert...I am certainly more knowledgeable than I was my first year.

So I decided to write this blog myself since there might be someone like ME out there...auditioning for the first time...wondering what to expect...needing a little inspiration and encouragement to stay focused and keep their head in the game throughout the process. So if that's YOU...then I wrote this blog for YOU...fyi.

On that note, here is a TIME-SAVING TIP FOR USING THIS BLOG and really makes it easier to use (I hope!)...I've included a "TOPICS" section on the right sidebar. See if there are any words that pop out at you that might be reflective of where you are at in YOUR PROCESS or a topic relevant to YOUR LIFE. Click there. Read. The "TOPICS" are a huge time-saver to point you toward cool subject-matter that might be of interest to YOU.

Happy reading!

Next item on the agenda for today...

Just want to take the time to say THANK YOU to some very important people that have supported me along the way to making this blog exist and to help me in having the best possible experience applying to grad school in 2012.

These folks have racked up some seeeeerious positive credit in their good-Karma-accounts...

First and foremost thank you to my 100 EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS!!! You have been the most active participants in this journey. It is for YOU that I have posted every day. Your attention has kept me accountable to staying-with-it through this process and giving it my ALL.

I have always tried to honor your commitment by sending you inspiring quotes, words of encouragement and my own honest personal experience...in hopes that we can all help each other to pursue our creative dreams in our own unique, authentic way.

Thank you for alllll of your comments and emails over the span of the project. (I read every single one. Bloggers are c r a z y about receiving comments from readers. It is our greatest joy.) I know you've had the option to "unsubscribe" every day. So thank you for sticking with me and continuing your subscription throughout the process. You have made a difference in this girl's life. :-)

And thank you to...

Kathryn Bild (my monologue coach and author of my favorite acting book Acting From A Spiritual Perspective)

Adam Gilbert (MyBodyTutor and blogging inspiration)

Dylan Patrick (NYC headshot photographer, who does ammmmmazing work at a totally affordable price and is one of the nicest people you've ever met)

My four friends that agreed to let me interview them and post their words-of-wisdom on the blog:

• Daniel Talbott (Alumni of Juilliard...Actor, director, playwright, producer, literary manager, and artistic director of Rising Phoenix Rep in NYC)
• Bryce Pinkham (Alumni of Yale...Now starring in Ghost: The Musical on Broadway)
• Jeremy Rishe (Alumni of NYU...Actor, producer, director, and co-creator of the web series First World Problem)
• Julie Alexandria (Self-made girl...Actress, host and television personality who specializes in Sports, Pop Culture, Fashion, and all things Geek-tastic.)

And a big THANK YOU to Dorothy Wilcox (my mom) for donating her court-reporting skills and transcribing the interview recordings into text, so that I could post them on the blog for your reading pleasure.

Thanks to the faculty and staff of the acting programs at NYU, Yale and Juilliard. Your job is to create an environment where young actors, like me, can learn and grow and train for a successful career in the performing arts. And all three of your programs strive to do that in the very BEST way for your students. Very admirable. In my humble opinion, it's actor-utopia!

And though I've never been accepted for admission. I still appreciate what you do. You facilitate positive change and artistic growth in young people's creative lives, giving them the tools to succeed and thrive as artists in the "real world." That's AMAZING! Thank you for all the support and guidance that you are giving to the next generation of emerging artists. Our entire world will benefit from this investment.

A special thank you to Robert Parsons for being my teacher, mentor and friend through-out all my years applying grad school and well before then too. Thank you for reminding me that I've "got what it takes" even when I've forgotten what that is exactly. Your enthusiastic support has made me feel like I'm not crazy for choosing this life...and that I WILL be able to support myself financially with my acting-paychecks some day! Thank you for believing in my abilities as an artist and encouraging me to continue to follow my heart.

Thanks to all of the wonderful people that wrote me recommendation letters for Yale, NYU and Juilliard this year. And to those that wrote me letters for my applications in 2011 and 2010, as well. You know who you are! Your support has been essential in this process. Thank you.

Shout-out to Matt Steiner for being an exceptional friend and writing me a very well-timed letter of encouragement that came into my inbox at a very loooooow point in the process for me. He wrote...

"...This project may have felt, at times, like a vehicle to take you to a place where you would then make some great artistic contribution. But, to me, this is the greatest artistic contribution that you could have given to anyone at this point in your life. You've given the rest of us the permission to fail. And in that, you've encouraged us to risk enough to succeed. I'm very proud of you, Virginia. Congratulations." 

I meeeeean, could anyone possibly say anything more encouraging than that? Seriously. And thank you, Matt, for collaborating with me in getting my monologues recorded on video and uploaded to YouTube. The whole process was a JOY because of you. Thanks for helping to make that happen!

Thank you to Ms. Brittany V. Green for writing the guest posts about your NYU Callback Weekend. And congratulations on your acceptance!...With a scholarship to boot! You are going to grow sooooo much from the experience! Cannot wait to see what's next for you! So happy that we connected at Juilliard callbacks. Congrats on NYU.

Thanks to all those folks that attended the MIXER and the VISION BOARD PARTY! Soooo much fun. And if anyone else out there has completed a vision board for 2012...email me a photo and I'll post it on the blog!

HUGE THANK YOU to Adam Baker of ManVsDebt for interviewing me for his documentary. I'm Fine,Thanks. It's scheduled for release in Summer 2012. Best of luck with the rest of the filming and editing process. I think it's an incredibly timely and moving project that's taking a time to reflect on the issue of complacency in our modern society. I cannot wait to see it!!!

And thanks to alll of the other bloggers that have inspired me with their incredible words of wisdom...I don't think I've ever commented on a single one of your blogs...but you've changed my life anyway...by sharing your experiences online. You're in my inbox daily. I am grateful to: Zen Habits, Everyday Bright, Happiness Project, Seth Godin, Ramit Sethi, Jonathan Fields, Stephen Pressfield and Ken Davenport.

If you want inspiring new perspectives coming into your inbox every day...I'd highly recommend subscribing to any of these blogs.

Four authors that have inspired me beyond what my limited vocabulary can express: Dr. Wayne Dyer, Anna Deavere Smith, Jack Plotnick and Julia Cameron. You've given me support, guidance and mentorship through your written words. You've helped me relocate my core whenever I've lost my focus, forgotten who I am or what is truly important to me. Thank you for taking the time to write.

Some special mentions...Anna Alaimo, Jessica Raaum, Josh Heath, Haley Pulli, Alexis Jeanene, Dione Rábago, Marisa Abdoo, Claire Kennedy-Vega, Keola Simpson, Peter Evans, Chris Fore, Erin Shaw, Vanessa Nelson, Mary Schneider, Jake DeGroot, Alysha Umphress, Christine Kapp, Clint Alexander, Stephen Kling, Joey Costello, Nick Dothée, Laura Ware...and many, many more...You have alllll allowed me to talk-my-face-off about creative process and acting and blogging and dreams and hopes and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da...and you've all listened and nodded and responded in kind and made me feel like you all care. So thanks for being my friends!

Thank you also...to everyone that has NOT been supportive of this project...to everyone that has unsubscribed...to everyone that has made snarky/judgemental comments...to everyone that has looked at me like I'm totally INSANE when I've told them about what I'm doing. You have made me stronger by reminding me that I am not looking to others for outside approval in order to motivate me to do this project, but that it is my own inner creative aspiration to grow as a human being that ultimately keeps me going.

I have learned that by doing the best job that I can with this project, my commitment to daily practice will result in an improvement of my skills and that by having FUN with the process I am able to release my attachment to the outcome.

The PROCESS is the point.

It is ME I have to inspire and impress. THAT'S HOW TO BUILD CONFIDENCE. So thank you to all the nay-sayers. You've been truly motivating force.

Annnnnnd....Thanks to alllll the folks that have stumbled upon my blog from Sept 5, 2011 to Apr 1, 2012...and to all of you that will read the blog in the future!


Many of you have found the blog through Google or FB or Twitter or a recommendation from a friend...Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to leave comments or email me. I'll do my best to respond.

(You know what totally blows my mind?...Up to this point I've had over 28,000 hits. Wowzers! Who knew so many people would be interested in reading about this subject?! Crazy, right?)

Oh! And thank you to all the folks at my day-job. You don't know how much you all mean to me. And though I haven't told any of you about this project...yet...I love you all and look forward to seeing you at the office every day. My time with you is limited and therefore I appreciate it all the more.

And last, but not least, thank you to the higher power...God...the Universe...whatever you'd like to be called. I know that you are working your magic in my life and I am grateful for your silent protection and the loving gift you've given me...this life. I will continue to try and do my best with all that I've been given every day.

Those are my "thank yous."


So what's next for me?

Who knows?

But if you want me to keep you posted...you'll have to subscribe by email. That way, any updates I post will be sent straight to your inbox.

I will NOT be posting six days a week anymore. (LOL! I need to have TIME to do other things again.) But I will let you know what happens with NYU...for sure. And if I decide to apply to grad school again next year... And...if there's anything else that I feel INSPIRED to post about...that I think might be relevant and interesting to you guys...I promise I'll post about that stuff, as it comes up.

Thanks for reading.

Best wishes to all for 2012 and beyond.

Loves,
Virginia Wilcox

"There's nothing anyone can do to prevent you from reaching your potential; the challenge is for you to identify your dream, develop the skills to get there, and exhibit character and leadership. Then, you need to have the courage to periodically reassess, make adjustments, and pursue a course that reflects who you truly are." - Robert S. Kaplan, "Reaching Your Potential," Harvard Business Review

P.S. I'll leave you with this...

(Thanks, NKD.)

172. Looking Forward

"Nobody can tell you who you are. It would just be another concept, so it would not change you. Who you are requires no belief. In fact, every belief is an obstacle. It does not even require your realization, since you already are who you are. But without realization, who you are does not shine forth into this world... You are like an apparently poor person who does not know he has a bank account with $100 million in it and so his wealth remains an unexpressed potential." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Letting go of a belief is a hard process.

I've believed for a looooooong time that the BEST POSSIBLE NEXT STEP on my career path would be to attend Yale, NYU or Juilliard. There were many, many factors that lead me to this belief, some of which you can read about by CLICKING HERE.

In the past two years, when auditioning for grad school, I allllllways felt like I had held something back...That I was so intent on "getting in" and impressing them, that I wasn't able to show my true self. I was too scared to be vulnerable. I kept trying again because I knew that I could do better, because I had never really been able to let go of my fear that I am truly unworthy of acceptance to one of these top schools...and so, I think I was unconsciously sabotaging my performance.

But this year, I can HONESTLY say that I changed my belief and chose to GIVE MY ALL. I cannot IMAGINE being better prepared or more ready to be in-the-moment and play. And because of my blogging 6-days-a-week...I also knew exactly WHY I wanted to be there and felt confident articulating that....to anyone willing to listen. ;-p

And my auditions went incredibly well. I made it through "the first cut" at all three schools, including Yale (which was a major accomplishment, since I'd never gotten that far before). And I am thrilled to say that I made it to the "end of the day" at both my NYU Grad Acting audition and my Juilliard audition.

This year I felt like I had completely held up my end of the bargain. I did my VERY BEST...and left the rest up to the universe.

And apparently...the universe has other plans for me than attending grad school, since I did not make it to final callbacks for any of these schools.

So now...I'm having to take a good look at my belief...Is grad school really the best possible next step for me?

What else is possible for me?

Am I ready to let go of my grad school dreams?

Or do I want to try auditioning again next year?

What are the other avenues I could pursue to attain my overarching goal?...Building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!

I don't know the answers to any of these questions yet...Nor do I need to.

But I do think they're very important questions to be asking myself at this point.

I do know that I am soooooo tired of pursuing this dream alone. I need EXPERT GUIDANCE and MENTORSHIP to make my dreams a reality...

"As artists, we are open-minded but we need not be gullible. Many of the  people purporting to be able to help us shape our craft have very little experience with crafting something themselves. What we are looking for is people who have done what we want to do -- not someone who has watched others do it...When "help" is volunteered, we must be certain it is timely and actually helpful." - Julia Cameron, Walking In This World

So if you know someone in New York that might be a good mentor for me...Someone that is currently thriving as an creative person, making an abundant living as an actor in theatre/tv/film/voiceover, has a fantabulous relationship with their agent and is fearless, has a positive out-look on life and is interested in mentoring a highly-motivated and dedicated young actress/blogger named Virginia Wilcox...please email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. I will consider all applicants. :-)

I do believe that a solid relationship with a mentor would help me immensely.

Do I believe that I can have the kind of successful career as an actor that I've been dreaming of...without an MFA from Yale, Juilliard or NYU?....Hmmmm. That's a good question.

I guess the honest answer for right now is...no...I do not believe that I will do as well in my career without the experience of earning an MFA from one of these schools and becoming a valued member of the artistic communities associated with these institutions.

Soooooo gotta look at changing that belief perhaps! Because if I don't believe it's possible...it ain't gonna happen.

Whatever does happen next...I know it will be joyful...and good...if I allow it to be. 

My life is unfolding just the way it's supposed to...even though it's certainly not happening the way I had hoped or planned.

"It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end." - Ursula K. Le Guin 

I'm okay. I am having fun with the journey! 

And I am happy that on April 1st I will be able to say that I've SUCCESSFULLY completed exactly what I set out to do: write 180 blog posts about my creative process of applying to grad school for the third time. That's a truly unique accomplishment...and out of the thousands of people that auditioned for grad school this year, I can confidently say that I'm the only one who's done THAT...It may be a weird to have a blog about auditioning for grad school, but I think it was worth it. It's been an incredible commitment device. I see the value in it anyway...and that makes me feel good....no matter what anyone else may think.

And I'm grateful for my life's many blessings....I can pay my rent...and eat...and I have a warm bed. I live in a free country. I'm safe. I'm healthy...and that's what REALLY matters.

Looking forward to the possibilities and the impossibilities that 2012 may bring...

Love to you all,

Virginia

P.S. What are the limiting beliefs that you have about your own life that may be keeping you in stasis? How can you begin to let them go?

168. On My Way Home

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." - T. S. Eliot

It's been a loooooong time since I've been "home" to California. Everything is the same here...and everything is completely different.

I feel a deep connection with this place....and simultaneously, I feel like a stranger.

Coming home to friends and family that knew you when you were "your younger self" is both comforting and frustrating. Comforting...in the sense that there is an automatic familiarity with these folks...a vocabulary you share...and a short-hand of shared experience to remind you of former days. It feels like slipping on a comfy pair well-worn shoes.

And coming home can be frustrating...in the sense that you have grown and changed, but people here only know you as the "old you."  So it's easy to fall into old social patterns with friends or family...some of which don't necessarily "fit" you anymore. And that feels stifling and strange.

They've changed. You've changed. But how? When?

Doesn't matter. Change is SUPPOSED to happen. It's interesting...observing that there's been a shift. And that's something to explore...as we move forward to create relationships based on who we are NOW.

Truly, the past is something to be grateful for...Having had those experiences...Having loved...Having been loved...Having made mistakes...Having learned from those mistakes...Having challenges...Having learned how to get through or over or around those challenges.

But holding on to that past? Not helpful.

Looking forward to the future...with the past as a foundation for your next step? 

Yes.

...Gotta go fly home now...HOME to New York.

I love you, Northern California. You will always be in my heart.

Loves,

Virginia

"We can learn not to keep situations or events alive in our minds, but to return our attention continuously to the pristine, timeless present moment rather than be caught up in mental movie-making. Our very Presence then becomes our identity, rather than our thoughts and emotions. 

Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?" 

- Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

164. Gedankenexperiment

Gedankenexperiment: (guh-DAHNG-kuhn-ik-SPER-uh-muhnt) noun: A thought experiment, an experiment carried out in imagination only.

I'm in San Diego right now. (Business trip for my day-job.)

One awesome thing about traveling is coming into contact with people who have VEEEEERY different lives than you. Their "normal" is sooooooo different from your "normal," yet both are completely REAL and TRUE for each of you.

I especially love flying over the country and looking down at the tiny houses and cars and imagining the many lives being lived and many different perspectives that those people have on our world.

Environment has soooooo much influence on us...growing up...shaping us into the adults we become...Where we grow up...Who we surround ourselves with...The opportunities that our communities have or don't have to participate in sports and arts and student government and field trips...local industry and economy...topography. It's crazy...when you really think about it...how DIFFERENT our experiences are...and yet...how we're all sharing many of the SAME experiences too. It's WILD!

These kinds of musings help to give me perspective on my own life...That I could be having a very different experience if I lived in, say...Austin, TX...or Phoenix, AZ...and...it gets me thinking....

Why do people choose to live where they live? Why do I live where I live? Would I be happier living somewhere else? Am I sooooo caught up in my "New York reality" that I've completely lost touch with what's happening elsewhere in the world?

Being here in SoCal is interesting. I try to imagine myself actually LIVING in San Diego...Imagining if this was my daily reality. How would that help to shape who I am as a person?...As an artist?

The pace of life here is sooooooo different from New York. Much slower. I would definitely miss the hustle of NYC...But the sunshine here is very cheery... and I do like the Pacific Ocean.

There are plenty of crazy people on the streets of San Diego too...just like NY. So that's the same.

Anyhoo, there's no answer that I'm looking for...I just love relishing the question..."What would it be like to live somewhere else?" And I let my imagination run wild....

Imagination is a beautiful thing. We can live a million different outcomes in the comfort of our own heads. It's the BEST. Thank goodness for imagination!!!

And it is freeing to know that I could COMPLETELY change my life by moving to a different city. Not that I WOULD...because I love my apartment in NY...but I COULD. That's nice to know.

Sigh.

Wishing you a fantastic day of imaginary experimentation. Try on a new life for size today...in your thoughts.

Who knows? Maybe these imaginings could lead so some ACTUAL life changes...Thoughts become things, ya know.

Imagine,
Virginia

P.S. Don't forget! Tomorrow's the Acceptance Project Mixer at 7pm in Walnut Creek, CA. Click HERE for all the info! Hope to see you!

nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released 

life is so precious it's as fragile as a dream
and in a moment we all grow our wings
I wish to sing as if no ones listening
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
and I, give thanks for my dreams
you can rob me of my sight
and you can poison my blood stream
but as long as I can dream then life is worth living

-- Brett Dennen, Nothing Lasts Forever

144. Acceptance Project Mixer - March 14, 2012 - Walnut Creek, CA

YOU ARE INVITED!!!

Hey, West Coast peeps!

I'm going to be heading out to Northern CA to visit my family in March. And I thought it might be fun to have a little "Acceptance Project Mixer." LOL! This will be super fun. I would love to reconnect with old friends and meet some new ones! So if you are in the vicinity...PLEASE COME BY AND SAY HELLO!

ACCEPTANCE PROJECT MIXER

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012 
7pm to 9pm

(Just tell the host you're there with Virginia's group)

No need to RSVP
Stop by any time after 7pm

Location:

Stanford's Restaurant & Bar

(925) 944-0895

1300 South Main St.

Walnut Creek, CA 94596

Map To Stanford's in Walnut Creek, CA.

If you even have the remotest desire to come and visit with me and other AcceptanceProject blog readers...PLEASE COME. You are wanted and welcome to attend. Don't be shy! 

If you're scared that you won't know anyone and won't have anyone to talk to...bring a security blanket...I mean...a friend. ;-) Or if you want to be suuuuuper brave...come ALONE and test your abilities in turning small-talk into REAL conversation with someone NEW. OOOOOoooooo...scaaaary! (YOU CAN DO IT!)

One of the reasons I started this blog was to create a sense of community for myself in this very personal process of applying to grad school. And a community has gathered...and I have the wonderful privilege of hearing from you guys all the time (YOU ARE ALLLL SUCH GREAT PEOPLE!) and I would love for you to have the opportunity to MEET EACH OTHER...and to connect...and share your experiences together. 

For many of you that have been following the blog from the beginning...my story has become part of your narrative this year too! And I know how fun it is to share stories with each other...and laugh...and drink...and eat snacks...and be INSPIRED by other people's journeys. We've all got the shared experience of the blog to spark conversation...and who knows what that conversation could lead to...a new friend...a professional connection...a creative collaboration? You'll never know...unless you overcome your fear of silly social awkwardness...and SHOW UP! You'll get over it in the first three minutes and then you'll be soooo glad you came...Because you'll be actively opening yourself up to the possibilities that new interactions can bring...Don't miss out on the opportunity to be in a room full of fun-loving, creative, smart, compassionate, open and like-minded people!

Oh....and I will be there too...to introduce you around to other awesome folks...and to have the thrill of getting to chat with you and get to know you better myself!

So, don't hide behind your keyboard...No excuses!!!...If you are in Northern California, please come out to Stanford's on March 14th and hang out with me! 

Please note: I am an actual, real, live, human person...not just words and letters on a screen! Would be great to meet you.

Mark your calendar! See you then.

Loves,
Virginia

P.S. Feel free to forward this on to anyone you think would be interested in attending!!! The more the merrier!

"Where can we find support for our reinvention? To make a true break with the past, we need guides who have been there and can understand where we are going. Reaching outside our normal circles to new people, networks, and professional communities is the best way to both break frame and get psychological sustenance." - How To Stay Stuck In The Wrong Career by Herminia Ibarra, Harvard Business Review (Dec 2002)

139. Yale Drama Audition 2012: Part Three (The Five Stages)

(This is the third post relating my audition experience at the Yale School of Drama 2012. CLICK HERE to read Part One. CLICK HERE to read Part Two.)

There were four names on the "End of Day Callback List" from the morning session of auditions. FOUR NAMES.

I'd already gotten further this year than I had in the past two years.

No big crowds of people hovering over the list this time. Just me and a few others...I got close enough to read the names. I scan the list for mine.

No Virginia Wilcox.

I read the names again.

Still no Virginia Wilcox.

If your name is not on this list, Wilcox, you are no longer being considered for admission in Fall 2012.

Oh dear.

C.r.u.s.h.e.d.

It's over. No Yale for me.

(Uh-oh, Brain...Here we go…We are about to begin the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief.)

"The Death of a Dream"

by Virginia (the rejected) Wilcox

STAGE ONE: DENIAL

Wait a minute…This can't be right. What if this is the wrong list? What if this is the hourly callback list?

So I turn to the girl standing next to me… “This is the “End of Day Callback list” from the morning session, right?” If I was about to walk out that door and leave New Haven, I wanted to make SURE there was no mistake and I was looking at the right list. “This is it?”

“Yup.” She nods.

“Oh.” I sigh.

I step back slowly.

No amount of staring at that sheet of paper will make my name appear.

STAGE TWO: ANGER

Damn. This sucks.

Why is auditioning for grad school so freeeeeking competitive?!

Ugggggh!

STAGE THREE: BARGAINING

If only I had done my OTHER contemporary piece…Maybe they would have liked that better? Or perhaps if I had worn the other shirt I brought. Maybe I’m not pretty enough, not tall enough, too tall, too skinny, too Caucasian, my hair is too short, I'm too old…Oh, if only I were a man! There are always waaay more girls auditioning than boys...I should have eaten a bigger breakfast this morning…I should have worked-out more the past few months...Dyed my hair...Taken another acting class…Something…If only they had worked with me, given me an adjustment, then they would have seen that I can take direction and that might have changed their minds...It was the Shakespeare! Had to have been!...If only...If only...If only...

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION

Dude. I suck. I am not talented enough to get into Yale. How many times do I have to get rejected from this school for it to sink in to my thick skull? Who was I kidding? The odds are IMPOSSIBLE anyway. There is no point in trying. Maybe I should just take this as a sign that I'm not meant to do this acting thing anymore...not professionally anyway. 

That angry girl that called me a "second rate cruise ship actress" a couple of years ago was RIGHT...I'm never going to be a REAL actress. I'm just a fake. A "wanna-be." I should give up now. 

Annnnnnnd I have to confess to everyone that reads the blog that I FAILED AGAIN. Soooooooo embarrrrassing. I am a loser. Ugh. Argh. Bleh.

STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE

Deep breath.

Well, it's time for me to gather what remains of my dignity and self-respect and head for home. Thank goodness I have a life that I like to go back to. Glad I tried. At least I won’t ever have to wonder what would have happened. 

Who knows? Maybe I'll try again next year...And REALLY nail that Shakespeare monologue!

(As of 2012, the Yale School of Drama has not set a limit for how many times you can audition for the Acting program. FYI.)

Done...with all those thoughts.

Done...with my Yale audition.

Whew!

It's allllllll done. That was my third and final audition for the "season."

I took a breath. And felt a surprising sense of relief as I walked out the heavy red door and out into the crisp New Haven air.

Have to give myself sooooome credit...'cause I did it. I auditioned AGAIN...and it was a waaaaaay better audition than I've ever given at Yale. And I got farther than I've ever gotten too! That's progress!

Am I disappointed that I didn't make it to "End Of Day Callbacks?" OF COURSE I AM!

But am I devastated? No...welllllll.....no.

I am going to allow myself to have a leeeeeetle bit of a pity party on my way home though...Only natural...all part of the mourning process...

This is how I party...pity...party...

Cue: Sad violin solo

As I walked back to the New Haven train station. I thought about all the restaurants in New Haven I'd never get to try,...the cute little apartment I wouldn't have to look for,...the other Yale students I wouldn't get to meet,...all the awesome classes I wouldn't get to take,...all the shows I wouldn't get to see,...the Ivy-League boyfriend I'd never fall in love with,...and the student loans I wouldn't have to take out. 

:-p

Kidding aside, I can't lie. No Yale for 2012...does make me sad.

But I have to believe that I am needed elsewhere.

There are soooooo many other options out there...I could get accepted to another grad school this year (still in-the-running at Juilliard and NYU)...or maybe this isn't "my year" for grad school after all (there's always next year)...or maybe there's some other creative job or opportunity in store for me in 2012 that's even BETTER...something incredibly wonderful...not yet seen or anticipated.

I mean, after got rejected from both NYU and Yale last year...I NEVER THOUGHT I'd be writing a blog about auditioning for grad school for a third time. And this has been the most fun and challenging project ever! Sooooo it's good. It's alllllll good.

What happened at today's audition was exactly what was SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. (Mediocre Shakespeare monologue and all!)

Rejection is God's protection, right? So Yale's not the right place for me right now. And I have to trust that...as much as it may hurt my ego in this moment...I mean, everybody wants to "win the prize," right? To be the favored one...To be selected out of the massive crowd! 

But when you're not selected...you have to reflect...and ask yourself...Am I sad that I didn't get into Yale because I really wanted to be there...Or am I sad just 'cause I didn't WIN? 

Sometimes I just wanna win,...ya know?

Can't get down on myself for not "making it." I know I did my best. I have no control over Ron and Walton's personal preferences. (Jack Plotnick has an awesome article about how to deal with it when casting people "don't like you." I highly recommend that you CLICK HERE to read it.) 

Deep down, I know that I've still got a lot to offer the world as an artist and I'm excited about being able to give my love, my passion and my creativity to a community of people that will want me as a collaborator. So I'll stay open to those opportunities...No matter where they may come from!

Annnnd when I want a little after-party-pity-party...It's nice to take comfort in some familiar things...Like a strong shoulder to rest my head on...listening to Jason Mraz on my iPhone...writing in my journal...emails and FB comments from supportive friends like YOU...who have been cheering me on and encouraging me allll along the way...and will love me no matter what happens at the end of this project...grad school acceptance 2012 or no. That's comforting.

For today, I am allowing myself the time to mourn the loss of my Yale dream.

I'm allowed that. It's only natural.

But I do know (from past experience)...that I will survive...and in retrospect...I will probably look back on this and say, "Wow. NOT getting into Yale was the BEST thing that's never happened to me."

Sending you all big love for 2012 and beyond. Onward and upward!

Loves,

Virginia

P.S. I would love for someone to volunteer to do a GUEST POST ABOUT YALE CALLBACKS. So if you or anyone you know makes it to the final callback weekend at Yale, send me an email at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com, and we can discuss a guest post opportunity. I would LOVE to be able to feature your Yale experience on the blog! (You could even do it anonymously, if you're shy.) It'd be sooooooo awesome to have an account of Yale Callbacks to "round-out" the Acceptance Project! Spread the word! Thanks for your help, guys!

122. My Humble Takeaways From TEDxBroadway 2012

I had such an incredible time at the TEDxBroadway conference!!! Soooooo inspiring for the future of Broadway!

(For more info about TED conferences go to ted.com, see my post #114, or check out Howard Sherman's LiveBlog of the event for alllll the nitty-gritty details.)

Every presenter at TEDxBroadway addressed the following very important question...

What's the BEST Broadway can be in 20 years? 

No conclusions were made...but that wasn't the point. The POINT was to relish the question and explore all the GLORIOUS possibilities, all the fantastic OPPORTUNITIES that the future could hold for Broadway...if we're willing to work together to help CREATE that new reality. AWESOME!!!

Mostly, I just sat and listened and observed and let it all soak in. But I was moved to take a few notes to share with ya'll. So here were some "take-away's" from some of my favorite presenters at TEDxBroadway. 

I hope that this post will help inspire YOU to want to be a part of creating a thriving future for LIVE theatre on Broadway and everywhere...from sea to shining sea!!!

The following are my humble takeaways from the many super-fantastic speakers that shared their hearts, insights and crazy-crack-pot-genius with all of us. (Please excuse me if these quotes aren't word perfect...It was dark and I was writing fassssst. Did my very best to stay true to the intent of the speaker's message.)

"The timeline to 2032 will be written by some of the very talented people in this room. We create ideas and ideas create the future." - Ken Davenport 

"We must ask: why is this LIVE?" - Jordan Roth

"No one sets out to create something unremarkable...If it falls short, it doesn't change the original intent and good will." - Jordan Roth

"Theatre can become part of the social fabric of people's lives." - Randy Weiner

"This show is so incredible that it doesn't need a marketing budget." - Randy Weiner (referring to Sleep No More) 

"We are poised for another renaissance and creative forces will lead the renaissance." - Patricia Martin

"This generation experiences truth as emotional truth. They believe what they can feel." - Patricia Martin

"Forget an out-of-town try-out. What about an internet try-out?" - Matt Sax

"Great customer service is about creating that total experience. Don't miss out on the opportunity for human connection in every interaction." - Frank Eliason

"How you treat your employees dictates the quality of customer service they will give." - Frank Eliason

"Drive change by storytelling, not by numbers." - Frank Eliason

"Create the future and let other people adapt to you." - Kara Larson

"Is this really the right audience?" - Steve Gullans

"Broadway is an idea factory...We open hearts and minds." - Damian Bazadona

"Expanding the exposure of Broadway is the way to grow." - Damian Bazadona

"We must increase financial opportunities to attract great talent and innovators to Broadway." - Damian Bazadona

"...Cooperation..." - Barry Kahn

"I'm in. Are you?" - Vincent Gassetto

"How can we upgrade?" - Juan Enriquez

"Does Google equal immortality?" - Juan Enriquez

"We are all self-created voyeurs." - Juan Enriquez (referring to Facebook)

"What kind of humanity do we want to create?" - Juan Enriquez

"Put all the pettiness aside and think about the good of Broadway." - Joseph Craig

"Don't be the turkey." - Greg Mosher

"We must ask ourselves: What business are we in?" - Greg Mosher

"Read The Innovators Dilemma." - Greg Mosher

"You can't Google a broken heart. That's why we need Shakespeare." - Greg Mosher

And my favorite takeaway from the entire day...

"How are YOU going to take what theatre does best and reinvent that tradition in the future?" - Juan Enriquez 

Big huge thanks to Ken Davenport, Damian Bazadona & Jim McCarthy for organizing the event.

And thank you to the generous co-sponsors:

Jujamcyn Theatres

Broadway.com

...and the supporting sponsors:

Google

BroadwayWorld.com

Audience Rewards

CareerBuilder

You can follow @TEDxBroadway on Twitter...if you're into that sort of thing.

And...word on the street is...there may be another TEDxBroadway next year!!! Whoo-hoo!!!

Here's to the future of live theatre on Broadway! Let's make it AWESOME! 

Loves,

Virginia

Yes, it's true...I actually had business cards made with the blog address on it. I KNOW IT'S SILLY! But I love this blog sooooo much, I couldn't help it!!! They came in handy too...I actually gave out a few at the event. LOL! So weird to introduce myself as an "actor-blogger." But, if the shoe fits...  :-P

  

107. Commitment Device

"The best way to practice is by trying over and over again until you stop failing miserably." - Caleb Wojcik, Expert Enough

Commitment Device: a means with which to lock yourself into a course of action that you might not otherwise choose but that produces a desired result


The overriding and super-de-duper main important reason that I created this blog back in September was as a "COMMITMENT DEVICE" for my grad school preparation.

Second reason for blogging...it'd help me to connect with a supportive community of loved-ones and friends so I wouldn't feel so freakin' alone in this stretching-myself-in-the-pursuit-of-a-crazy-dream-ness.

Third reason for blogging...it scared the buh-jeezus out of me, the idea of committing myself to writing stuff that people would actually READ every day!

So I knew I HAD to go for it and do the blog, since it was something that frightened me. Because leaning into that fear...rather than shying away from it...would leave me with a feeling of ROCKSTAR-ishness...in that tippy-tapping-away-at-my-keyboard-blogging kind of way. And no, not because blogging is super cool...but because OVERCOMING YOUR FEAR is super cool.

Sooooo, I am going to continue to use this blog for its original purpose and publicly COMMIT to doing something that will help me overcome another fear: asking people if I can practice my monologues in front of them.

Non-actors may be thinking... "What's the big deal? You're an actor, Virginia. That's what you DO. Why would you be afraid of asking people to do your monologues in front of them? I'm sure they'd be fine with it."

Yeah, I'm sure THEY would be fine with it, but I get EMBARRASSED to put myself out there like that.

For example... imagine this awkwardness... You know that you reeeeeeally need to practice this monologue in order to be able to feel prepared for your grad school auditions...and reciting it alone in your room is NOT the same experience as speaking the words to another actual human and then reacting to what they're giving you in the moment... And you're sitting at lunch with a friend and you're talking about...I don't know... the weather...or whatever and then you pipe-in with, "Hey friend,...Was just wondering if you might be willing to do me a favor? I need to practice my monologues for grad school auditions. Would you mind if I did one of them for you right now...sitting here...in this restaurant...in public...where people can see and judge and the waitress might come by to fill your water glass as I get to the tearful part?"

PAUSE.

Ahhhhhhh! Does this sound like an awkwardly terrifying prospect to anyone else?

Potentially very embarrassing.

I want to practice my monologues and I want to have the courage to do what I need to do and not care how ridiculous I may end up sounding/looking/feeling, but how do I get over my resistance and fear!?

Here's what I like to ask myself in these types of moments (totally stole this from Tim Ferris BTW)...

"What are the worst case scenarios and how will you deal with them?"

Worst case scenario #1: My friend says YES
a. I do my monologue in front of her and she thinks it's terrible and tells me so to my face. I feel embarrassed.
b. I do my monologue in front of her and she thinks it's awesome and tells me so to my face. I feel embarrassed.
c. I do my monologue in front of her and the guy at the table next to us decides to chime-in with his opinion of my work. I feel angry. "Don't be rude and butt-in. I know this is a small restaurant, but at least pretend like you're paying attention to your soup and not to the conversation of the people at the table next to you. Be courteous."

Worst case scenario 2: My friend says NO
I feel a great sense of relief and then resolve to ask someone else to watch my monologues that day. Rejection is God's protection. (That's my new favorite phrase.) For whatever reason, my friend knows that they can't be an appropriate audience for me at this time. So I won't take it personally and I'll take the cue from the universe that there will be someone else out there to help me today...Or as I like to remind myself...Don't go to the hardware store looking for oranges.

Will I survive all of these worst case scenarios? Yes.

Are any of them that bad? No.

I feel like it helps to dis-empower the fears by actually writing them out.

Soooooo, anyway, I'm going to be writing a "P.S." about my experience doing this monologue practice thing every day until I my NYU audition on Jan 22.

PASSION!!! COMMITMENT!!! ACTION!!! That's what leads to success!

Right? Of course, right!

Loves,
V

P.S. Did a contemporary monologue for my friend B. We were sitting at a table in an Italian restaurant. It felt sooooo scary to ask him to be my monologue scene partner. But he was totally supportive and readily agreed. I directed the monologue straight to him. It started out a little wonky, but by the time I got rolling with it...it felt GREAT! I was sooooo happy to get to share the piece with him. He was very surprised by some of the dialogue and made some great faces in reaction to me. It was hilarious! Way fun! It definitely helped me feel less afraid of tackling that monologue in an odd situation again. YAY!

"Don't worry about how bad you do the first time. You learned to walk as a child by continually falling on your face trying to take your first steps. Life is the same way." - Caleb Wojcik, Expert Enough

61. They've Messed With The Wrong One Now

"The capacity to do great things is mightily dependent upon one's ability to do little, baby, trite, mortal, dull and sometimes silly things." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

I'm reading Gail Collins' bestseller The Amazing Journey of American Women From 1960 To The Present: When Everything Changed (for funsies).

And you know who is truly an AMAZING, COURAGEOUS, SHARP-AS-A-TAC and TOTALLY INSPIRING woman?

Rosa Parks

I would love to be half as smart and courageous as she has been in serving her community. She has been a huge force for CHANGE in her own small way. Her simple act of sitting down and staying put on that bus in 1955 has impacted America in a huge way!

DO NOT MESS WITH THIS WOMAN. She is a gentle lady, but she will not be your doormat. She will stand-up for herself... by sitting down and politely refusing to accept disrespectful, unjust and discriminatory treatment.

Check out this quote from Gail's kick-ass history book...

"Parks, an old schoolmate remembered, was "self-sufficient, competent, and dignified" even as a child, a student who always wore a clean uniform, planned ahead, and never sneaked over to the boys' side of the school like some of the other girls did. Even in defiance, she was a perfect lady. When the Montgomery bus driver told her to give up her seat to a white man or be arrested, the petite, middle-aged seamstress calmly replied, "You may do that." Later, when her husband begged her not to allow herself to be turned into a test case, she coolly went ahead. ("He had a perfect terror of white people," recalled a friend. "The night we went to get Mrs. Parks from the jail, we went back to her apartment and he was drunk and he kept saying, 'Oh, Rosa, Rosa, don't do it, don't do it.... The white folks will kill you.'") When she appeared for her court date, she wore a long-sleeved black dress with white cuffs and a small velvet hat with pearls across the top. "They've messed with the wrong one now," cried out a black teenager, who turned out to be absolutely correct.... Rosa Parks's simple act of defiance in 1955 marked the beginning of the modern civil rights movement."

Rosa would no longer accept the status quo. She would no longer accept discrimination. She would no longer accept being treated with disrespect. She would not accept unequal treatment. She would not be undervalued. She knew she deserved better... and she knew her fellow black Americans deserved better too. So she sat and refused to get up. All. By. Herself.

Ballsy!

But she wasn't going to start a riot or scream and shout about it or stick a gun in somebody's face. She just sat down and would not move. She knew that was within her power to do and she did it. Simple.

I want to be like Rosa and find ways to "sit down for myself" and not accept disrespectful, unequal or discriminatory treatment from others. Thankfully I've never experienced discrimination to the extremes that Mrs. Parks and many others have had to endure, but I have certainly experienced some major disrespect and sometimes abusive treatment from others... verbal abuse, sexual harassment, gender discrimination, age discrimination, class discrimination, discrimination based on appearance or job-level or race... We've all had it at some point, in some way... and it feels TERRIBLE.

Disrespect that hits me close-to-home and breaks my heart to hear about... is disrespect toward actors. Ugh! It's so awful to hear stories like this one... CLICK HERE.

I wish that I was surprised by this incident when I first read about it, but unfortunately I wasn't shocked in the least. This kind of attitude and disrespectful treatment of actors is not uncommon and it really breaks my heart to acknowledge that reality.

Rudeness and disrespect are soooo unnecessary.

EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT.

Let's be kind to each other and treat each other with care, as equals on this journey of humanity. It takes a bit of extra effort sometimes, but it's soooooo worth it.

If you give respect, you are much more likely to get it back too. Nice, right?

Compassion and empathy are signs of strength. Cruelty is weak. And karma is REAL.

Rest assured... I would be very unlikely to attend a casting call for a casting director that has a reputation for rude or disrespectful behavior toward actors... whether they "tweet it" or not. Life's too short to put up with that kind of behavior.

Unprofessionalism?... No thanks!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T... Yes, please!

Accept nothing less.

Kindness is worth the effort. I'll sit down for that.

Love,
V

"Being fair and reasonable will earn you respect and admiration, but being genuinely kind will make you a total love magnet." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

39. Recap – 2011 – NYU Grad Acting Auditions

NYU

Year 2: MFA Auditions & Waitlist

"Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” 

– Mary Tyler Moore 

My experience auditioning:

After my AMAZING experience at auditions and callbacks at NYU my first year, I had both high-hopes and great fears for Year 2 auditions. My worst nightmare was that I wouldn’t make it through the first cut and wouldn’t get the opportunity to audition again for Janet Zarish and Mark Wing-Davy, who had both gotten to know me a bit during the callback weekend from the year before.

That morning at NYU, my first-round audition was for Victor Pappas, whom I had never met. (I believe he was on sabbatical the previous year.) What a joyful spirit! He welcomed me into the room with a bright, genuine smile. I liked him instantly. And that calmed my nerves and made me super excited to share the monologues I had been working on for months in preparation for this very moment.

It felt so good to get up there and say the words and feel the feelings... Doin' the acting thang.

I had been spending most of my year sitting in an office, making money to pay off my credit card/student loan debt. I had set this as a personal goal for the year, so that I could get into grad school with less of a debt burden. Money stress had become a huge issue for me. Scarcity thinking had been ruling my life in a really negative way and had been sapping my creative energies for YEARS. Now that I was aware of it, I had made every effort to get that debt-burden GONE, which resulted in a feeling of lightness and freedom in ALLLL areas of my life.

So getting up and doing my monologues for Victor felt like a two-fold joy…
1. Getting to do something that I love to do…  AND...
2. Knowing that by taking a break from acting and by NOT doing it for a while, I was enabling myself to appreciate it more deeply and with greater sense of freedom from financial stress.

After auditioning for Victor, I walked out of the room thinking… “Well, even if that’s all I get to do today, it was worth it. I had FUN and it felt like a successful audition to me, no matter what the outcome.” And I believed it too.

“People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” 

– Dale Carnegie

In a little while, Jonathon Ward came out to the waiting area with a stack of headshot/resumes in-hand. He read off the names one by one…

My heart = pounding in my chest... Unfamiliar names ringing in my ears, as Jonathon breathed each word and then I heard…  Virginia Wilcox.

Ahhhhhhh!!!! That’s my name! He called me!

I made the first cut. Whew! I would get to see Mark and Janet again! YES!!!! Sweet joy!!!!

When it was my turn to go in for the second-round that same day, I practically bounced into the room to see Mark and Janet. I felt like I was coming home to old friends. I greeted them with a grin and a wave of familiarity... and I was met with looks varying from vague recognition to complete blankness… Yikes!

In my head:
Expectation adjustment NEEDED!!! I had hoped that they would remember me, but if they did,… oh, boy,… they sure weren’t letting on! Oh, dear... I thought I was more memorable than that, but apparently not. LOL! Shake it off, Wilcox… Give them a chance to remember you from now on...

Mark looked at my list of four monologues and asked me to present my non-Shakespeare classical (very dark/dramatic) and my dramatic contemporary.

Drama + Drama = HEAVY.

And who wants to spend 3 years with someone who has no sense of humor? Not me... and probably not them.

I blinked. I blinked again. What to do now? I knew I was about to serve up a depression cocktail. He didn’t choose anything that had any lightness to it. I wanted to say something, to warn him, but I wasn’t courageous enough to speak up for myself.

In my head:
Just do it, Wilcox. If he wants to see some comedy, he’ll ask you for a third piece. It’s gonna be fine. Let it go... But I didn't/couldn't.

So I went to start my classical piece… and I couldn’t think of the first line… and I couldn’t think of it… and I couldn’t think of it...

I just stood there. Staring at the floor. My brain racing with a million thoughts except for the one that would really help me to be thinking in this moment… namely: MY FIRST F*@ING LINE. Then after another interminable eternity I “calmly” said to Mark and Janet, “I’m sorry. Just give me a second.” And I turned upstage and I breathed. Thinking… “It will come to you, Wilcox. Breathe. Let it come. Breathe.”…. And, thank the dear lord… it finally came to me.

Jeeeeesus that scared the S*%t out of me though… forgetting the words… losing focus… and I was totally out-of-body for the rest of the audition. Words were spoken but it was someone else speaking them. I was residing on the ceiling staring down at myself with a constant awareness of my complete and utter terror.

After I was done with my two uber-dramatic pieces… You could cut the angst in the room with a knife. And Janet broke the silence with… “Ah-hem… Virginia, would you like to sing for us?”

I sighed a small sigh of relief and smiled and said, “Sure! I’ll be singing… Get Happy.”

HA! And they laughed. Which was nice. Cut some of the tension, at least. And no third monologue was mentioned.

I sang my little ditty and dutifully dragged myself out the door… wondering all the while…
1. Where, along the way, had I lost my bounce? …and…
2. How had I managed to give all my power away? …and…
3. Why did I feel like I had totally lost control of myself during that audition?

A few minutes later, after the next hopeful applicant had gone in to the audition room, the monitor in the waiting area smiled and said…“That’s all we need to see today, Virginia. You’re free to go home. Thank you.”

Me: “Oh, okay… (all my blood dropped into my toes and my face went completely white)… Thanks... (gulp… hold it together… hold it together). Best of luck with the rest of the auditions today… (the best smile I could muster) … Bye-bye."

...Bye-bye, NYU, bye-bye...

I spent months analyzing it, for no good reason, really. I couldn’t go back and change anything. All I could do was move forward. But I was having a tough time figuring out what I was supposed to have learned from this experience.

The only thing that I could come up with as a major regret… is not speaking up for myself when Mark asked me for my two dramatic pieces… It would have made ME feel better to have said something like, “Mark, just wanted to let you know that you’ve chosen two dramatic pieces, which I am more than HAPPY to do for you. Just wanted to let you know, in case you want to see something a little lighter, as a contrast.” In which case, he may have still opted to go with his choices… or maybe he would have reconsidered and chosen a comedic piece… it really wouldn’t have mattered to me. Either way would have been fine. But, in retrospect, I would have felt more courageous and more in-control and more focused and prouder-of-myself in that situation, if I had followed my impulse and spoken up for myself in that moment… rather than blinking back my qualms and feeling like I was about to dutifully sacrifice myself to the drama gods. That only lead to me feeling super conflicted, getting distracted in my own head… and going up on my line… and losing confidence… and losing focus… and losing them… and, ultimately, disappointing myself.

By trying to be a "people-pleaser" and by stuffing my own internal impulse to speak up, I had succeeded in pleasing no one.

“Resiliency, I think is the KEY to success. The most successful people I know are so resilient. They’ve failed many times over. Whereas most people fail once or twice, and that’s it.” – Adam Gilbert, MyBodyTutor

Thank goodness I would be permitted to come back and try again next year!!! Do over!!!


My measure of success:

I did make the first cut… which felt like a great accomplishment.

Several weeks later, I received an email from Jonathon Ward informing me that I would not be invited to the callback weekend but that I was on the “waiting list.” Apparently they keep about 100 applicants on a waiting list, in the case that they are not able to find their 16-18 students from the 50 that are invited to the callback weekend. I was grateful to be included on the waiting list, but I knew that the likelihood of making it to this year’s class from the waiting list was very, very slim.

I would not be holding my breath.

Then, after a time, I received another email notifying me that they had chosen their MFA students for the year and they wished me best-of-luck in all my future endeavors.

:-(

Well, at least I had the courage to show up for the second time… and I had tried again. That was very important to me.

Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to happen yet. Whah-whah! What was supposed to happen… had happened. And as not-so-fun-and-awkward as that audition was for me, I survived to tell the tale.

“Whenever something doesn’t work out the way you thought it would, instead of thinking that something went wrong, see it as something that went unexpectedly well, but for reasons that are not yet apparent. Everything plays in your favor.” – Mike Dooley, Tut’s Universe

Learning and Resolutions for Year 3:

I wasn’t supposed to be at NYU yet. I had other stuff to learn/do elsewhere. And it has been a year of GROWTH… for which I am truly, truly grateful.

Good thing I'm such a prolific failer... otherwise this blog wouldn't exist. Hee, hee! And, last year, I sure didn't foresee becoming a "blogger." That never entered my mind. So that a cool and unexpected bi-product of failure. Ha!

"Laced throughout every day of your life are hidden highways of opportunity, invisible crossroads of time, and golden avenues for personal transformation that if only traveled upon would reveal the extraordinary, the sublime, and the unexpected." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

When reflecting on my experiences preparing for grad school auditions, Year 1 and Year 2, I realized that the thing I disliked most about the process was my feeling of isolation. Actors are collaborative artists and I wanted to have a sense of community collaboration and support in my 3rd try for acceptance to grad school.


Cut to me setting up this blog. Cut to you subscribing. And here we are now… collaborating daily. Success!

“I still don’t get why people are so surprised that the turtle beat the rabbit over the long run. Consistent effort, no matter how small, sparks magic, fills sails, butters bread, turns tides, instills faith, summons friends, improves health, burns calories, creates abundance, yields clarity, builds courage, spins planets and rewrites destinies… No matter how small.” – Mike Dooley, Tut’s Universe

This year has ALREADY been a way better grad school audition prep experience for me than the last two years combined and I won’t even be auditioning until January! With this blog, it feels great to be making a small impact on the world in my own Virginia way... by staying focused on my dreams/goals... by posting daily about my creative process... and by connecting with friends who are pursuing their own dreams/goals and are using the blog as a means of inspiration on their journey's too!


It's all about grad school for me... but not at all about grad school... all at the same time. It could be anything that you aspire to be or do. All the same kinds of skills apply to any creative process of growth.


I digress.


Thanks for collaborating, folks. Hope that you’re finding some value in sharing this journey with me.


Year 3 auditions are going to be a whole new ball-game. Yale (3rd try). NYU (3rd try). Juilliard (1st try).


Wish me luck!


Who knows what will happen? But for now, I’m preparing… little by little, day by day, brick by brick, thought by thought, action by action. And as long as I am moving in the direction of making my dreams a reality… I am happy.


Life is good.


Wishing you all... a life-time of risk-taking, failure, learning, unfaltering determination and success,


Virginia

“Remember that we are all works in process, perfect in our progress and always moving towards our own personal growth and evolution.” 

– Lena Stevens, The Power Path

  P.S. Sorry for the late, late, late post. This one kinda took me allll day. Thanks for reading.

  

38. Recap – 2010 – NYU Grad Acting Auditions

“If you want to make a living at what you love doing, you need to get good at it.” – Leo Babauta, Zen Habits

NYU

Year 1: MFA Auditions & Callbacks

My experience at auditions:

I am sorry to say that I cannot remember who was in the audition room for my first audition at NYU. It was a female faculty member and she was lovely and kind. I did my two pieces, the same ones I had done at Yale. But this time, my name was called when my group had completed the first round… Me and about 6 others in our group of 20 made the cut. Whew!

Later that day, during the next round we all got to audition for Janet Zarish and Mark Wing-Davy. I felt an absolute kindredness with Janet from the moment I saw her. She exudes love and support. And Mark has a wonderful sense of humor and a smart, insightful groundedness to him. When he speaks, he always has something to SAY. I love that. Both of them were welcoming and seemed genuinely glad that I was there to audition for them, which I appreciated greatly… because I was NERVOUS. I really, really, really wanted to do well. 

Did my two pieces. Mark asked for my non-Shakespeare classical, which was super fun and I LOVED doing. They may have asked me for a third piece at that point… I can’t recall. Then they asked me to sing. I belted out some short 16-bar Judy Garland ditty (‘cause I’m a fan) and I then was asked to stay for the “final round” that day. Which, for me, ended up being a pull-up-a-chair-and-lets-chat type of interview. I don’t remember exactly what was said. It's been a while. But I remember feeling good when I left.

… Then a few weeks later… I got a voicemail... “Hi, this is Janet Zarish over at NYU. We’d like to invite you to come to our callback weekend, if you’d be interested. We’ll be sending you an email with all the info. Please reply to Jonathon Ward and he’ll get you set-up with all the details. Hope to see you soon!”

ME = Over-The-MOON!!! Heck-yeah, I'm INTERESTED. Sooooo excited!!!

My experience at the callback weekend:

This weekend changed my life... not an exaggeration… and I’ll try to clue-you-in as to WHY...

When I first moved to New York in 2007, I hardly knew ANYONE. I reconnected with a few friends from college and some acquaintances from past shows, but no real strong COMMUNITY of people that I felt like I was a part of. So when I showed up at NYU’s callback weekend and Janet welcomed us, asking us to be a part of the NYU family for the weekend so that we could really experience what it would feel like to be a student at NYU.... I was overwhelmed with JOY! I felt like I had finally found my PEOPLE! 

Here I was being embraced by this amazing COMMUNITY of actors and teachers with such a profound commitment to the work and deep respect for actors and an unshakable sense of professionalism. It felt like actor-utopia. Seriously.

The 50 of us were divided into smaller groups. We got to do classwork/workshops together, tour the school, do our monologues again for Janet and Mark and..... the other truly-life-changing-part-that-I-will-never-ever-forget… the alumni talk-back.

“Before we set our hearts too much on anything, let us examine how happy are those who already possess it.” – Francois duc de La Rochefoucauld, moralist (1613-1680)

As you may have guessed, I am into this whole idea of “community,” so here’s this group of NYU alumni, back at the school to share their experience and talk about their lives after graduation… and I am in freakin’ heaven. They are all super down-to-earth and talented as all-get-out and soooo open and giving and willing to answer any freakin’ question, no matter how silly. And they’re all in different places in their careers… film, tv, broadway, off-broadway, writing, directing… ev-er-y-thang… you-name-it! 

And... they actually HAVE careers and get paid to do what they LOVE…That is NOT how it is for many actors where I grew up. These NYU alumni are committed to this crazy business of show as their passion and their life’s WORK! And they are so supportive of each other, such generous people! 

NYU had clearly had a profound impact on the actor/professionals that each of them had become. I sat and watched and listened and felt like I was already a part of that community, in my small way, just by being there that weekend. 

It was like crack. I was totally addicted. I wanted MORE. 

I longed to spend 3 years with amazing people like that… and graduate… and be a part of the greater NYU family of artists… and come back years later to the callback weekend and sit on that stage and tell some young up-and-comers how NYU had helped transform me into the artist I was becoming and welcome them into our family too! 

Being a professional actor isn’t just a pipe-dream. And all those alumni were sitting there as proof. They’re making it happen and NYU was a powerful part of that journey for them. So inspiring.

Now I KNEW I really wanted to get in!

… Then on April 1^st, I got a letter in the mail. 16 applicants had been chosen out of the 842 that had auditioned that year. I was not one of the chosen.

Me = Super disappointed… which later turned into… determined not to give up.

But, AHHHHH! Audition again? I had already been REJECTED. What if I failed... AGAIN?

Mortifying.

“Don’t let the questioning mind get in the way of what you know to be emotionally true. Pay attention to the signs of spirit and don’t argue with or resist what is obvious.” – Unknown, (The Power Path, perhaps? Sounds like something Lena Stevens would say)

It was OBVIOUS to me that these were the kind of passionate people that I wanted to surround myself with, that would inspire me to not just do good work, but to strive for GREAT work. I couldn't allow myself to be afraid to try again for fear of failing. That's totally RIDICULOUS. I had to continue to follow this path! Got to try again. I would always regret it if I didn't. I mean, why not!? I know that’s what I want. Why not go for it 100%? I already know I can survive failing at it. Done that!

Sooo... Now I had the opportunity to spend a whole YEAR preparing! Year 2 auditions... were going to ROCK. Awesome.

“Look for opportunities rather than bemoaning the losses.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path

My measure of success:

I got sooooo close. I felt HONORED to have made it that far at NYU, my first time auditioning for grad school. It was a hugely successful learning experience and completely changed the trajectory of my life. Rather than focusing on what my next acting job would be in the short-term, my whole goal-structure shifted to “how-is-this-going-to-help-prepare-me-for-grad-school?” And that’s how I have made my decisions and modeled my life ever since then. 

Learning and Resolutions for Year 2:

I learned that I loved the prospect of being a part of a community of great actors and that I didn’t want to move on to the next step in my career without allowing myself that experience of going through professional actor training at the Masters level… that time to grow and germinate and set a foundation of support and risk-taking that would serve me throughout the rest of my career. 

Those NYU actors were freakin’ FEARLESS… well, maybe they felt fear, but they never let it stop them. They just said YES and did whatever was necessary to be the best story-tellers possible.  I WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE ACTORS! So, I resolved to up-my-game for year-2 auditions and spend my year becoming more like the actor/human I wanted to be… FEARLESS.

On that note... gotta go... I'm afraid I might be late for work!  :-p

More on Year 2  - NYU auditions… tomorrow.

Soooo many words... rest your eyes for now.

Love,

Virginia

“It’s often from a sense of discontent, feelings of incompleteness, or even a twinge of true unhappiness that the seeds of great accomplishment are sown.” – Mike Dooley, Tut’s Universe