180. Last Post Of The Project

"You may want something, work hard to achieve it, and in your process achieve something even greater than your original goal. So don't get married to what you imagine is the result of your pursuit, just be involved in the pursuit. Besides, you already have a job. Your job is to be a joyful artist. No one can take that away from you." - Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors

Let's start by revisiting the mission statement of this blog as I envisioned it back in September 2011:

"This is my 3rd year applying to the MFA Acting Programs at NYU and Yale and my 1st year applying at Juilliard. I am blogging to record my process of preparation. From Sept 5th, 2011 to Apr 1st, 2012, I will post 6 days a week on all subjects related to my creative process and my application and audition preparation... Though my short-term goal is to be accepted to the grad school of my dreams, this is but a step toward the long-term goal of building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!"

Did I complete the project according to the guidelines specified above?

Yes.

Do I consider this a success?

Yes.

Did I get accepted to grad school?

The jury is still out, actually...Well, I do know this...It's not Yale and not Juilliard, not this year anyway.

But I am currently an alternate (one of two) for the 2012 entering class for NYU Grad Acting. Soooo I could possibly get a call if someone drops out...even up-to the day before classes begin. OR...I could never hear from them again.

Either way...I got waaaaaaaay further than I have in the past two years that I've auditioned for grad schools...and, more importantly, because of the blog the EXPERIENCE of the entire process was sooooooo much more fun and challenging and rewarding than it ever was before.

Do I consider this a success?

Yes...I'm going for progress. And progress has been made.

One of the other reasons I started this blog, was because I WISHED SO MUCH that someone else had started a blog like this to share their process when I was first auditioning for grad school.

My first year, the process was sooooo lonely and I had NO CLUE what I was doing and I reeeeeeeally wanted to know what the process had REALLY been like for other people that were eventually accepted. I mean, what were they really thinking at the time when they were preparing to audition? Were they really as unsure as I was about whether or not they would succeed at this endeavor?

But I didn't know a lot of people that had been through it, and those that I did know...I was too scared to ask them to reveal all the inner-workings of it all.

And, besides, it's easy to look back in retrospect once you've already succeeded and go "Oh, I did this or that." But what were you ACTUALLY THINKING at the time before you KNEW you'd succeed???...That's what interested me the most.

Were these successful people having the same thoughts and struggles as I was? The same kind of experience? Or did they know some secret that I didn't know? Were those people that had gotten into these programs just as scared as I was that they weren't good enough to "make-it?"...Yet...they made it happen anyway. So if they could do it...why not me?

The nice thing about auditioning for graduate school is...you can keep trying again.

2010 = 1st year of auditioning at NYU &  Yale  = calledback at NYU, but not accepted

2011 = 2nd year of auditioning at NYU & Yale = waitlisted at NYU, but not accepted

Soooooo when I came upon my third year of auditioning at NYU, Yale and now Juilliard (since they now offer an MFA)...and I realized that I had learned a lot about what it takes to make solid showing at grad school auditions...I thought, "Dude! I could write a blog about this! Ha!" And though I am no expert...I am certainly more knowledgeable than I was my first year.

So I decided to write this blog myself since there might be someone like ME out there...auditioning for the first time...wondering what to expect...needing a little inspiration and encouragement to stay focused and keep their head in the game throughout the process. So if that's YOU...then I wrote this blog for YOU...fyi.

On that note, here is a TIME-SAVING TIP FOR USING THIS BLOG and really makes it easier to use (I hope!)...I've included a "TOPICS" section on the right sidebar. See if there are any words that pop out at you that might be reflective of where you are at in YOUR PROCESS or a topic relevant to YOUR LIFE. Click there. Read. The "TOPICS" are a huge time-saver to point you toward cool subject-matter that might be of interest to YOU.

Happy reading!

Next item on the agenda for today...

Just want to take the time to say THANK YOU to some very important people that have supported me along the way to making this blog exist and to help me in having the best possible experience applying to grad school in 2012.

These folks have racked up some seeeeerious positive credit in their good-Karma-accounts...

First and foremost thank you to my 100 EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS!!! You have been the most active participants in this journey. It is for YOU that I have posted every day. Your attention has kept me accountable to staying-with-it through this process and giving it my ALL.

I have always tried to honor your commitment by sending you inspiring quotes, words of encouragement and my own honest personal experience...in hopes that we can all help each other to pursue our creative dreams in our own unique, authentic way.

Thank you for alllll of your comments and emails over the span of the project. (I read every single one. Bloggers are c r a z y about receiving comments from readers. It is our greatest joy.) I know you've had the option to "unsubscribe" every day. So thank you for sticking with me and continuing your subscription throughout the process. You have made a difference in this girl's life. :-)

And thank you to...

Kathryn Bild (my monologue coach and author of my favorite acting book Acting From A Spiritual Perspective)

Adam Gilbert (MyBodyTutor and blogging inspiration)

Dylan Patrick (NYC headshot photographer, who does ammmmmazing work at a totally affordable price and is one of the nicest people you've ever met)

My four friends that agreed to let me interview them and post their words-of-wisdom on the blog:

• Daniel Talbott (Alumni of Juilliard...Actor, director, playwright, producer, literary manager, and artistic director of Rising Phoenix Rep in NYC)
• Bryce Pinkham (Alumni of Yale...Now starring in Ghost: The Musical on Broadway)
• Jeremy Rishe (Alumni of NYU...Actor, producer, director, and co-creator of the web series First World Problem)
• Julie Alexandria (Self-made girl...Actress, host and television personality who specializes in Sports, Pop Culture, Fashion, and all things Geek-tastic.)

And a big THANK YOU to Dorothy Wilcox (my mom) for donating her court-reporting skills and transcribing the interview recordings into text, so that I could post them on the blog for your reading pleasure.

Thanks to the faculty and staff of the acting programs at NYU, Yale and Juilliard. Your job is to create an environment where young actors, like me, can learn and grow and train for a successful career in the performing arts. And all three of your programs strive to do that in the very BEST way for your students. Very admirable. In my humble opinion, it's actor-utopia!

And though I've never been accepted for admission. I still appreciate what you do. You facilitate positive change and artistic growth in young people's creative lives, giving them the tools to succeed and thrive as artists in the "real world." That's AMAZING! Thank you for all the support and guidance that you are giving to the next generation of emerging artists. Our entire world will benefit from this investment.

A special thank you to Robert Parsons for being my teacher, mentor and friend through-out all my years applying grad school and well before then too. Thank you for reminding me that I've "got what it takes" even when I've forgotten what that is exactly. Your enthusiastic support has made me feel like I'm not crazy for choosing this life...and that I WILL be able to support myself financially with my acting-paychecks some day! Thank you for believing in my abilities as an artist and encouraging me to continue to follow my heart.

Thanks to all of the wonderful people that wrote me recommendation letters for Yale, NYU and Juilliard this year. And to those that wrote me letters for my applications in 2011 and 2010, as well. You know who you are! Your support has been essential in this process. Thank you.

Shout-out to Matt Steiner for being an exceptional friend and writing me a very well-timed letter of encouragement that came into my inbox at a very loooooow point in the process for me. He wrote...

"...This project may have felt, at times, like a vehicle to take you to a place where you would then make some great artistic contribution. But, to me, this is the greatest artistic contribution that you could have given to anyone at this point in your life. You've given the rest of us the permission to fail. And in that, you've encouraged us to risk enough to succeed. I'm very proud of you, Virginia. Congratulations." 

I meeeeean, could anyone possibly say anything more encouraging than that? Seriously. And thank you, Matt, for collaborating with me in getting my monologues recorded on video and uploaded to YouTube. The whole process was a JOY because of you. Thanks for helping to make that happen!

Thank you to Ms. Brittany V. Green for writing the guest posts about your NYU Callback Weekend. And congratulations on your acceptance!...With a scholarship to boot! You are going to grow sooooo much from the experience! Cannot wait to see what's next for you! So happy that we connected at Juilliard callbacks. Congrats on NYU.

Thanks to all those folks that attended the MIXER and the VISION BOARD PARTY! Soooo much fun. And if anyone else out there has completed a vision board for 2012...email me a photo and I'll post it on the blog!

HUGE THANK YOU to Adam Baker of ManVsDebt for interviewing me for his documentary. I'm Fine,Thanks. It's scheduled for release in Summer 2012. Best of luck with the rest of the filming and editing process. I think it's an incredibly timely and moving project that's taking a time to reflect on the issue of complacency in our modern society. I cannot wait to see it!!!

And thanks to alll of the other bloggers that have inspired me with their incredible words of wisdom...I don't think I've ever commented on a single one of your blogs...but you've changed my life anyway...by sharing your experiences online. You're in my inbox daily. I am grateful to: Zen Habits, Everyday Bright, Happiness Project, Seth Godin, Ramit Sethi, Jonathan Fields, Stephen Pressfield and Ken Davenport.

If you want inspiring new perspectives coming into your inbox every day...I'd highly recommend subscribing to any of these blogs.

Four authors that have inspired me beyond what my limited vocabulary can express: Dr. Wayne Dyer, Anna Deavere Smith, Jack Plotnick and Julia Cameron. You've given me support, guidance and mentorship through your written words. You've helped me relocate my core whenever I've lost my focus, forgotten who I am or what is truly important to me. Thank you for taking the time to write.

Some special mentions...Anna Alaimo, Jessica Raaum, Josh Heath, Haley Pulli, Alexis Jeanene, Dione Rábago, Marisa Abdoo, Claire Kennedy-Vega, Keola Simpson, Peter Evans, Chris Fore, Erin Shaw, Vanessa Nelson, Mary Schneider, Jake DeGroot, Alysha Umphress, Christine Kapp, Clint Alexander, Stephen Kling, Joey Costello, Nick Dothée, Laura Ware...and many, many more...You have alllll allowed me to talk-my-face-off about creative process and acting and blogging and dreams and hopes and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da...and you've all listened and nodded and responded in kind and made me feel like you all care. So thanks for being my friends!

Thank you also...to everyone that has NOT been supportive of this project...to everyone that has unsubscribed...to everyone that has made snarky/judgemental comments...to everyone that has looked at me like I'm totally INSANE when I've told them about what I'm doing. You have made me stronger by reminding me that I am not looking to others for outside approval in order to motivate me to do this project, but that it is my own inner creative aspiration to grow as a human being that ultimately keeps me going.

I have learned that by doing the best job that I can with this project, my commitment to daily practice will result in an improvement of my skills and that by having FUN with the process I am able to release my attachment to the outcome.

The PROCESS is the point.

It is ME I have to inspire and impress. THAT'S HOW TO BUILD CONFIDENCE. So thank you to all the nay-sayers. You've been truly motivating force.

Annnnnnd....Thanks to alllll the folks that have stumbled upon my blog from Sept 5, 2011 to Apr 1, 2012...and to all of you that will read the blog in the future!


Many of you have found the blog through Google or FB or Twitter or a recommendation from a friend...Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to leave comments or email me. I'll do my best to respond.

(You know what totally blows my mind?...Up to this point I've had over 28,000 hits. Wowzers! Who knew so many people would be interested in reading about this subject?! Crazy, right?)

Oh! And thank you to all the folks at my day-job. You don't know how much you all mean to me. And though I haven't told any of you about this project...yet...I love you all and look forward to seeing you at the office every day. My time with you is limited and therefore I appreciate it all the more.

And last, but not least, thank you to the higher power...God...the Universe...whatever you'd like to be called. I know that you are working your magic in my life and I am grateful for your silent protection and the loving gift you've given me...this life. I will continue to try and do my best with all that I've been given every day.

Those are my "thank yous."


So what's next for me?

Who knows?

But if you want me to keep you posted...you'll have to subscribe by email. That way, any updates I post will be sent straight to your inbox.

I will NOT be posting six days a week anymore. (LOL! I need to have TIME to do other things again.) But I will let you know what happens with NYU...for sure. And if I decide to apply to grad school again next year... And...if there's anything else that I feel INSPIRED to post about...that I think might be relevant and interesting to you guys...I promise I'll post about that stuff, as it comes up.

Thanks for reading.

Best wishes to all for 2012 and beyond.

Loves,
Virginia Wilcox

"There's nothing anyone can do to prevent you from reaching your potential; the challenge is for you to identify your dream, develop the skills to get there, and exhibit character and leadership. Then, you need to have the courage to periodically reassess, make adjustments, and pursue a course that reflects who you truly are." - Robert S. Kaplan, "Reaching Your Potential," Harvard Business Review

P.S. I'll leave you with this...

(Thanks, NKD.)

179. Monologues 2012 REVEALED

"Fullfillment doesn't come from clearing hurdles others set for you; it comes from clearing those you set for yourself." - Robert S. Kaplan, "Reaching Your Potential" Harvard Business Review

I cannot BELIEVE this is the second-to-last post of the Acceptance Project!!!Whoooooo hoooooo! Almost DONE!

Now, in the interest of full-disclosure and transparency and getting over my own fear...I am posting videos of my four audition monologues and my a capella song for you to see. I've embedded them below.

Why has this taken sooooo long for me to get to posting these monologues? (Grad school auditions took place back in January, after all.)

I have one word for you:

RESISTANCE

"Resistance cannot be seen, touched, heard or smelled. But it can be felt. It is experienced as a force field emanating from a work-in-potential. It's a repelling force. It's negative. Its intention is to shove the creator away, distract him, sap his energy, incapacitate him. 

If Resistance wins, the work doesn't get written... 

Resistance seems to come from outside ourselves. We locate it in spouses, jobs, bosses, kids, distractions. "Peripheral opponents," as Pat Riley used to say when he coached the Los Angeles Lakers.

Resistance is not a peripheral opponent. Resistance arises from within. It is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Resistance is the enemy within."  

- Stephen Pressfield, The War of Art

Even though I KNEW in my gut that I HAD to post my monologues for you all to see...EVENTUALLY. I procrastinated it to the 11th hour (a.k.a. NOW...the second-to-last post.) And I'm procrastinating another thing for tomorrow's blog post too...So I'll probably be publishing that one at like 11:55pm on April 1st. ;-P

Anyhoo...RESISTANCE. Let's talk about that for a sec...

The one and only one thing that is coming between YOU and you moving in the direction of your dreams is...(sing with me now)...Reeeeeeesiiiiiiiiissstaaaaaaance!!!

What is keeping you from doing what you KNOW in your heart-of-hearts you are capable of doing????

Let's use ME as an example here...

Me = Queen of Resistance & Duchess of Rationalization

Here are some of the fantastical thoughts that went through my head as I considered the undertaking of posting my monologues publicly on the blog:

1. I can't. I don't know how to upload video on to YouTube. I've never done it before.
2. It's going to look stupid because I don't have a real camera. I just have my iPhone.
3. I hate watching myself on camera. My acting is always waaaay too big. And I am going to look ridiculous.
4. If I post this online, anyone will be able to view it...even potentially ~gasp~ casting professionals. What if they don't like my work and I get a reputation for being a "bad" actor?
5. I don't have time. It's going to take FOREVER to figure out how to do this.
6. I hate asking for help, but I'll never be able to figure this out on my own. Who would possibly agree to help me with this project? I can't PAY anyone to help me. They'd have to do it out of the goodness of their heart. I don't want to IMPOSE on anyone. 
7. I'd have to shoot this after work one day and I'm going to be exhausted and the light might be all gone and shooting at night might be hard. I don't know what to expect since I've never done this before.

And here's what I told myself to be able to get all my resistant thoughts to SHUT UP...and let me do my WORK already:

1. Even though I have never uploaded any video to YouTube before, I know TONS of people who do that alllll the time, so it really can't be that hard. If I allow my self enough time, I'm sure I can figure it out. And if I need help I can think of at least 3 people off-the-top-of-my-head that I could call to assist me. No problem.
2. Even though I only have an iPhone to record with...that's FINE. It doesn't need to be super high quality. The purpose of me posting these videos is not to win cinematography awards, it is to RECORD a snapshot in time of where I am at with these monologues that I worked on this year. That's allllll. An iPhone is a perfectly adequate tool for this purpose.
3. So what if your acting is too big? So what if you look ridiculous? Who cares? YOU ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS and so are these monologues. There are going to be moments in the pieces that you LOVE and are proud of...and things that you see that you'd like to improve. (DON'T LET THE PERFECT BE THE ENEMY OF THE GOOD! That's what I've been telling myself from day one of this blog.) Don't judge yourself! Get SOMETHING up there! You've shared soooooo much about this entire experience through your writing. Don't chicken-out now! Be courageous! Show your acting work! That's what this is all about, right? Some people will love it and some people with think it's total crap...That's okay. Either way...you will have overcome your fear of showing your work...in all it's flawed glory...AND THAT'S SUCCESS.
4. As for casting folks...the ones that see it and don't like it...probably won't contact me. But there may be people that see it and think..."Hey, I've got a project that girl might be right for...Let me email her and give her a shot."  OR....If I get a lot of really negative feedback on it...I can always take it down...re-shoot...and try again. It's a learning process...And I can get better at it...but only if I start somewhere.
5. Time? Reaaaaally, Virginia? If you have time to watch Failure Club on Yahoo! Screen (my favorite show right now), then you have time to get on your computer and figure out how to make this YouTube uploading thing happen. Just start by logging-in to the website. Start there. The rest will happen naturally. Oh! And make an appointment on your calendar to shoot the video. If you don't schedule it into your life...it ain't gonna happen.
6. Get over your issue about ASKING FOR HELP!...You know you've got people in your life that would love to support you in this project and have the skills to easily make this happen. AND it'll be waaaaay more fun to collaborate with someone awesome on this project. Call MATT STEINER!  You just saw that he uploaded his CLOWN REEL onto his website. He could totally help you....AND HE DID!!!! (Thanks, Matt. You are the BEST. Thank you. These videos would NOT have happened without you. Had a BLAST working on this with you. So. Much. Fun.)
7. Go for it. Work with what you've got...So you've got some lighting issues? Whatever. It's fine...as long as you're not in the dark, you're okay...So the sound is not so great. We can bump up the volume as best we can when we're editing...and we'll do the best we can...Get going NOW, because this blog is ending on April 1st and it's gotta get done!!!....So you've only gotten 4 hours of sleep on top of a loooooong week of uber-stress at work? Yeah. Boo-hoo Wilcox. There's never going to be a perfect circumstance. So take it from where you are at and that's a PERFECT place to start these monologues. Go with it. Use it. Use whatever energy you have...and go from there. That's all you can do.

Sooooo that was how I overcame my resistance to posting these monologues.

True story.

Now...without further ado...My audition monologues for Juilliard, NYU and Yale 2012...

The Foreigner by Larry Shue (Catherine)
Lives of the Great Waitresses by Nina Shengold (Melissa)
The Convent of Pleasure by Margaret Cavendish (Lady Happy)
Two Gentlemen of Verona by William Shakespeare (Julia)

You can view these on my YouTube channel by CLICKING HERE.

I've also embedded them for you below...And my a capella song too.

Catherine from The Foreigner

Contemporary monologue that I did for NYU & Yale.

Melissa from Lives of the Great Waitresses

Contemporary monologue that I did for Juilliard.

Lady Happy from The Convent of Pleasure

Classical monologue that I did for NYU .

Julia from Two Gentlemen of Verona

Shakespeare monologue that I did for Yale and Juilliard.

"Make Someone Happy" by Comden/Green/Styne

A capella song that I sang for NYU and Juilliard.

Could I have done all this better? SURE. Yes. Definitely.

And I WILL DO BETTER...next time.

But what really matters is that I DID IT.

I'm sharing my process and getting my work out there...FINALLY.

Resistance be damned!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loves,
Virginia

“Keep working. Don’t turn anything down...Don’t get precious. You’re young, you’re learning. Keep working.” - Stephen Pressfield, Writing Wednesdays

172. Looking Forward

"Nobody can tell you who you are. It would just be another concept, so it would not change you. Who you are requires no belief. In fact, every belief is an obstacle. It does not even require your realization, since you already are who you are. But without realization, who you are does not shine forth into this world... You are like an apparently poor person who does not know he has a bank account with $100 million in it and so his wealth remains an unexpressed potential." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Letting go of a belief is a hard process.

I've believed for a looooooong time that the BEST POSSIBLE NEXT STEP on my career path would be to attend Yale, NYU or Juilliard. There were many, many factors that lead me to this belief, some of which you can read about by CLICKING HERE.

In the past two years, when auditioning for grad school, I allllllways felt like I had held something back...That I was so intent on "getting in" and impressing them, that I wasn't able to show my true self. I was too scared to be vulnerable. I kept trying again because I knew that I could do better, because I had never really been able to let go of my fear that I am truly unworthy of acceptance to one of these top schools...and so, I think I was unconsciously sabotaging my performance.

But this year, I can HONESTLY say that I changed my belief and chose to GIVE MY ALL. I cannot IMAGINE being better prepared or more ready to be in-the-moment and play. And because of my blogging 6-days-a-week...I also knew exactly WHY I wanted to be there and felt confident articulating that....to anyone willing to listen. ;-p

And my auditions went incredibly well. I made it through "the first cut" at all three schools, including Yale (which was a major accomplishment, since I'd never gotten that far before). And I am thrilled to say that I made it to the "end of the day" at both my NYU Grad Acting audition and my Juilliard audition.

This year I felt like I had completely held up my end of the bargain. I did my VERY BEST...and left the rest up to the universe.

And apparently...the universe has other plans for me than attending grad school, since I did not make it to final callbacks for any of these schools.

So now...I'm having to take a good look at my belief...Is grad school really the best possible next step for me?

What else is possible for me?

Am I ready to let go of my grad school dreams?

Or do I want to try auditioning again next year?

What are the other avenues I could pursue to attain my overarching goal?...Building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!

I don't know the answers to any of these questions yet...Nor do I need to.

But I do think they're very important questions to be asking myself at this point.

I do know that I am soooooo tired of pursuing this dream alone. I need EXPERT GUIDANCE and MENTORSHIP to make my dreams a reality...

"As artists, we are open-minded but we need not be gullible. Many of the  people purporting to be able to help us shape our craft have very little experience with crafting something themselves. What we are looking for is people who have done what we want to do -- not someone who has watched others do it...When "help" is volunteered, we must be certain it is timely and actually helpful." - Julia Cameron, Walking In This World

So if you know someone in New York that might be a good mentor for me...Someone that is currently thriving as an creative person, making an abundant living as an actor in theatre/tv/film/voiceover, has a fantabulous relationship with their agent and is fearless, has a positive out-look on life and is interested in mentoring a highly-motivated and dedicated young actress/blogger named Virginia Wilcox...please email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. I will consider all applicants. :-)

I do believe that a solid relationship with a mentor would help me immensely.

Do I believe that I can have the kind of successful career as an actor that I've been dreaming of...without an MFA from Yale, Juilliard or NYU?....Hmmmm. That's a good question.

I guess the honest answer for right now is...no...I do not believe that I will do as well in my career without the experience of earning an MFA from one of these schools and becoming a valued member of the artistic communities associated with these institutions.

Soooooo gotta look at changing that belief perhaps! Because if I don't believe it's possible...it ain't gonna happen.

Whatever does happen next...I know it will be joyful...and good...if I allow it to be. 

My life is unfolding just the way it's supposed to...even though it's certainly not happening the way I had hoped or planned.

"It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end." - Ursula K. Le Guin 

I'm okay. I am having fun with the journey! 

And I am happy that on April 1st I will be able to say that I've SUCCESSFULLY completed exactly what I set out to do: write 180 blog posts about my creative process of applying to grad school for the third time. That's a truly unique accomplishment...and out of the thousands of people that auditioned for grad school this year, I can confidently say that I'm the only one who's done THAT...It may be a weird to have a blog about auditioning for grad school, but I think it was worth it. It's been an incredible commitment device. I see the value in it anyway...and that makes me feel good....no matter what anyone else may think.

And I'm grateful for my life's many blessings....I can pay my rent...and eat...and I have a warm bed. I live in a free country. I'm safe. I'm healthy...and that's what REALLY matters.

Looking forward to the possibilities and the impossibilities that 2012 may bring...

Love to you all,

Virginia

P.S. What are the limiting beliefs that you have about your own life that may be keeping you in stasis? How can you begin to let them go?

170. The Phone Call - Guest Post by Brittany V. Green (Part Four)

Here it is folks!!! The outcome of Ms. Brittany V. Green's NYU Grad Acting auditions...No need for any more waiting, waiting, waiting...

(She and I originally met at the same-day-callbacks at Juilliard. She agreed to write a series of guest-posts for the blog when she was invited to the Callback Weekend at NYU. If you're not caught-up on her story...you might want to read all three parts of Brittany's audition experience at the NYU Grad Acting Callback Weekend 2012. Click HERE to read PART ONE. Click HERE to read PART TWO. Click HERE to read PART THREE.)  

The Phone Call

by Brittany V. Green

It’s Tuesday night March 17th. Two days after my interview. I’m at work waiting tables. I had to work a double that day, which any other day would really suck, but today I was glad. It will keep my mind off of eagerly anticipating whether or not I got into NYU. 

At around 7pm I feel my phone vibrating. I go to the “phone/break” section of my job to check it. It’s a number that begins with 917… Hm, who could this be? An audition? That’s usually what it is when it’s a random NY number. Maybe NYU? Really? But it’s too soon. I feel another vibration, in my pocket indicating that I have a voicemail. Something tells me to check it right away. 

I go into the employee bathroom to get a quiet space. I check my voicemail. “Brittany, hey, it’s Mark Wing-Davey here, calling from NYU grad acting. Maybe you could give us a call? My number is (lists cell number)….Ok thanks very much, take care. Buh-bye” 

The BIGGEST smile emerges from my face. 

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH. I KNOW WHAT THIS MEAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSS!! Is it real? Is this really happening? OH MY GOSH! 

I leave the bathroom and a co-worker of mine who knows all about my audition journey is standing there. I look to him and say, “I think I just got accepted into NYU!” He goes…” What? Get ooooout!” I say… “No I just got a call from the Chair!” We have a moment of celebration.  

But I need to hear Mark say it for it to actually be real. 

I call him back. No answer…I leave him a message letting him know I’m at work but to feel free to call back. 

I try to go back to working but I CAN’T. I need to hear him SAY IT. It’s too much of a tease!!! I go back to the bathroom and call again. HE PICKS UP! 

I don’t remember word for word, but it went something like this… 

Mark: Hey Brittany how are you? 

Me: Good and you? 

Mark: Good, good, listen we’d like to offer you a spot. 

Me: YES! YES! (accepting) 

Mark: Yea we’d really love to have you, are you interested? 

Me: Yes, yes! I am interested! 

Mark: Ok good, good We’re excited to have you. 

Me: (Oh my gosh excited to have ME?!) Oh, thank you!!  

Mark: (chuckles) Ok great, but don’t put it out there just yet or on Facebook or anything, we’re still not done putting together the class. But make sure you let (alumni I knew from NYU) know.  

Me: Yes, yes definitely! Thank you so much. 

Mark: Yes, you should be getting a call soon about financial aid, and hopefully we can work something out that you can do. 

Me: Ok, thank you! 

Mark: Alright, talk to you later 

Me: Ok, buh bye. 

Mark: Buh bye. 

I left that bathroom feeling ON TOP OF THE WORLD. I shouted it out in the back of the kitchen and I could hear “Congrats!” “Oh my gosh!” “You got in?!” I started praising God right there. 

“Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah! I’m gonna praise Him here RIGHT AT WORK! Thank you Jesus!” 

People laughed and cheered at this. 

You couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face that night. I felt amazing. 

The next moments were followed by, telling those close to me, and making sure to let them know not to congratulate me via Facebook. Keeping it hush hush was sooooo hard!!! 

But now it’s Monday March 19th, and the word is out!

Brittany Green is now an NYU Grad Acting Student!!! Thank you Jesus! 

Earlier that week I got the call from financial aid and was offered a WONDERFUL package! I was in tears when I got off the phone and thanked God some more! My mother was elated! 

And now the journey begins. Gotta move to an apartment closer to the school. Gotta save money. Gotta find roommates. Gotta get a healthy routine goin' on. Gotta figure out how much of a loan I need to take out for living purposes. 

GOTTA CELEBRATE! 

All week all I could think about was how much my life would change in the next three years. The opportunities, the people I’d meet, the joy I’d have, the challenges I’d face, the growth I’d experience, and so much more! 

THIS is going to be the best three years of my life. 

God is so good. I give all credit, thanks and honor to Him. If it were not for Him I ASSURE you, I would not have this blessing. The way he has aligned things for me in order to get to this point is only from His works. 

I began my journey not even wanting grad school, and now look at me. He placed the right people in my life, guided me to the right resources, and helped me shine the way He knew I could. And I am so very thankful. I am so ready, and so happy to be able to Master the thing I absolutely LOVE to do. ACT! 

Look out for me world! Brittany V Green has arrived!!

Yes. She. Has. 

Finally!!!! A 2012 ACCEPTANCE story!!! Whooo-hooo! That's what this project is alllllll about!

Congratulations Brittany!!!! Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Wowzers, girl!!! You are sooooo right... Your life is about to change FOREVER. You are going to grow sooooo much from your time at NYU Grad Acting. This is only the beginning...sooooooo exciting! You are totally on your right path and doors are opening!!! Keeeeep going!!! Yaaaaay!

:-)

...Sooooo wish I could be there with you. You are gonna rock that school.

Make the most of every single moment of the journey, okay? I know you will!!! You have truly been blessed.

Sending you all my love,

Virginia
 

"When you finally get that call, meet that person, walk that walk, and live that dream, do you think you'll even care that there were a few dark and scary moments in a journey that made them all possible? Trust me, you won't even remember. And won't you be glad you never settled for less?" - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

  

167. NYU Callback Weekend 2012 - Guest Post by Brittany V. Green (Part Three)

(This post is a continuation of Ms. Brittany V. Green's audition experience at the NYU Grad Acting Callback Weekend 2012. Click HERE to read PART ONE. Click HERE to read PART TWO.)

Brittany V. Green

NYU Callback Weekend - Day Two...cont'd

by Brittany V. Green

March 11th, 2012

I walked into the audition room for what would be the last time in this whole audition process. I felt comfortable, happy, and ready to show them who Brittany is. They all smiled at me and said hello as I came in. I happily did the same. Janet [Zarish] told me before I sat down that she’d like me to do another piece for her (they were really workin’ me people!) This time they wanted me to do my Shakespeare piece. (In total I showed them four pieces during the entire audition process.) I said yes and began. 

Afterwards they gave me adjustments. They wanted me to make it more personal to who I was, and leave the "classical aura" I brought to it behind. I thought for a moment… "How does Brittany like to work?” I told them… "one moment" and stripped off my blazer, scarf and shoes. ( I love working barefoot.) I took a deep breath and began my piece again… this time having a break through. The piece I had been doing over and over for so long touched me in a different way this time, and I allowed myself to go there. And then I was done. When I go “there” it always takes a lot out of me. I felt like I had to catch my breath a lot. Janet looked up at me and said…” Good adjustments.” Janet then asked me to come have a seat…then said “as you leave your old way of doing it on the floor” and pointed to my clothes…we laughed. I then made my way over to the chair to have a seat. 

We chatted a little and then I was asked about the colleague I knew, who I put in my reference section on my application [an NYU grad acting alumni]. For a moment…I thought about the valuable note “be yourself.” So I looked them in the eyes and said… "Look I’m just gonna keep it real with you guys…" and began to explain it all...  

I said,...At first I did not like the idea of grad school. I felt that upon arriving to NY I was ready to work. Also, many people discouraged me from applying. But (the alumni I’d been talking about this whole time and who is now starring on Broadway) my colleague pushed the idea. She kept talking about the benefits of it and pointed out the advantages of grad school especially for a young black actress. I met her through a mutual acting friend who told me I reminded him of her and that I needed to meet her, so I did. And thankfully we kept in contact and God placed it in her heart to drive home the benefits of having an MFA to me. She also talked about what NYU had to offer specifically. One thing that really spoke to me was the fact that they specialize in YOU the actor. They are not bound by a certain technique, or way of doing things. 

I told them that in my undergrad, upon entering, I had a lot of passion and vivacity but not as much discipline or training. (Or “I was a hot mess,” as I phrased it.) I was lively but sometimes all over the place. My undergrad tamed me, taught me, and helped me mature to become the woman I am today, but in all that taming... the things that made me unique began to get put on the back burner. One of my professors from my undergrad told me she thought I'd lost my “spunk.” She asked me if I remembered a time when I called up the office before classes started and asked to be put in the Sophomore voice class, because I’d taken my English credit in high school already. I had no clue then that acting classes worked cumulatively, I was just ready to get ahead! I told my old professor that I’d completely forgotten all about having done that! I was more outspoken and daring then. 

I let the NYU staff know that now that I am no longer ignorant to the technical aspects of acting it’s time to bring back my spark! I told them that I love creating my own work and that the Free Play performances I saw were absolutely amazing and I am dying to sink my teeth into something like that. I told them that I loved the confidence every student had upon graduating.... Knowing exactly who they are, bold enough to take on anything thrown at them, and being well-rounded individuals. 

I told them sometimes I feel like I have a split personality…one minute I’m so confident, bold and well-on-my-way…and the next I can be the complete opposite, beating myself up. I told them I wanted COMPLETE confidence in my work and in knowing who I am. I told them I envisioned a “Super Brittany” and that I’m dying to meet this woman. I let it be known that I was excited, and ready to create. I told them I had enough formal shaping, now it was time to fine-tune what BRITTANY has to offer! 

That was the basis of what I talked about,... besides going in detail about what I thought of the Free Play and discussing my financial aid situation. 

NYU is the right school for me because they aren’t afraid to fail in order to create and learn. They aren’t afraid to take risks, be bold, be themselves and take chances (and even mistakes!) They teach the actor how to embrace their unique tools and THAT is what I want to expand upon. And THAT is probably why so many casting directors love to get their hands on these students. 

I didn’t care about a fancy space and perfectly polished presentations. I loved the urban feel, quotes and pictures on the actor’s lockers, marks in the floor from years of hard work, the lounge area where I’d probably be sleeping because I’d be up all night working on projects, and MORE.  NYU  gets down and dirty!  

The conversation seriously felt like I was talking to one of my home-girls. I took the “be yourself” thing very literally. I told myself, "If I am who I am and they don’t like me then I’m not meant to be here." But all in all, I felt good about my interview. I was proud that I let go of the need to impress and was open and honest. I was happy with what went on. 

I left the room and joined the audience in watching a current student’s cabaret performance. When it was over, I was exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, the WORKS. I went home, and once again thanked God for EVERYTHING and went right to sleep. 

But it still ain’t over!

Wow, Brittany! It takes a lot of courage to reeeeeeally be yourself in that kind of a high-stakes "interview/audition" situation. The "safe" route would be to try and impress them by trying to be the "actor" you think they want to see. But you stripped down (both literally and figuratively)...all those walls...showing your TRUE heart and your unique perspective and your child-like passion for the craft. THAT'S BRILLIANT! And I am sure it felt GREAT!

And now you KNOW that if they invite you into the program...they are inviting YOU, because that's who you chose to reveal to them in the room. You showed them YOU. And that's the BEST you could have possibly done!!!

And (on the other side of the coin) since you shared with them your true self... even if you're not invited into the program...you know that's going to be the very best thing for you. Because if you wouldn't be able to be YOURSELF in that program and be accepted, then that's not the place you'd want to study anyway...NYU or no NYU...You've GOT to be free to be yourself in order to grow as an artist!

Sooooooo proud of you!!! I hope you consider this audition a HUGE SUCCESS, no matter what the final outcome.

Please, keep us posted! Wishing you all the best.

Loves,

Virginia

CLICK HERE TO READ PART FOUR: THE PHONE CALL

"What matters is to live in the present, live now, for every moment is now. It is your thoughts and acts of the moment that create your future. The outline of your future path already exists, for you created its pattern by your past." - Sai Baba

 

142. The Impact Scenarios

Tomorrow is the day that Juilliard will be sending me an email to either...

A. Invite me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I'll be a contender for the first ever MFA class at Juilliard

OR

B. Tell me that they will NOT be inviting me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I will know that I am no longer under consideration for acceptance to the program for Fall 2012

Now...one might think that considering my feelings about my wonderful audition experience at Juilliard, that (in my mind) the below equation might apply...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOOD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BAD

However, it's really not that "black and white," now is it? Most situations are "shades of gray," and this one is no exception. We've all been in situations where a certain outcome could have a MAJOR IMPACT on your life and the lives of your loved ones.

And to an outside eye it may seem like a no-brainer, simplistic Good vs. Bad scenario, but to you...you know allllll the ramifications that an outcome will have on your life. Other people can't know all those things, only you know them about your own life and your own mind.

Success is sometimes just as terrifying as failure...and often times MORE so.

So to really understand the complexity of any situation, you've gotta analyze the IMPACT of that outcome on your life...on every area of your life that matters to you. There will be both a positive and negative impact...no matter which outcome happens. It's just a matter of which one is worse or better...according to your own values, life situation and personal preferences.

Do I want to get called back at Juilliard?

Yes.

Will it mean that my life will be perfect and happy and simple and easy if I get called back at Juilliard?

No.

So in anticipation of being overwhelmed by the actual outcome tomorrow...which I will have to be dealing with very soon...I'd love to take this opportunity tonight...To rationally think this through...as objectively as a can...before things get C-Ra-zY.

"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst." - Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)

So..... here are my impact scenarios for both outcomes (as best I can imagine them right now... hypothetically.)

PRETEND LIKE I GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: Joy!!! I love this school.
• Spiritually: I feel like I am on my "right path."
• Sense of Purpose: I am dedicated to becoming the BEST possible actor that I can be in this lifetime and using my gifts to have a positive impact on the world. This is the next step on that journey.
• Way I See Myself: I feel like I am the luckiest person on this planet.
• Way Others See Me: They might feel excited for me and get excited about keeping on working toward their dreams too!
• Friendships: I will get to make new friends at the Callback Weekend.
• Personal Life: I feel great about where I'm at right now. Glad that I'm single...whilst I embark on this very personal journey.
• Job: I could possibly have a new job soon: "Full-time Acting Student."
• Career: This could lead to a great big huge growth spurt for me that could lead to some incredible creative collaborations with awesome artists that I am yet to meet in the future.
• Financially: Will inevitably have a positive impact on my future prospects for being able to make a living as an actor.
• Physically (my body): I could have the opportunity to get up and MOVE everyday at school...vs. the sedentary sit-at-a-desk-all-day-and-stare-at-a-computer-screen job that I currently have.
• Physically (my home): Juilliard is in New York. So if I were to be accepted there...I could stay in my apartment in Astoria probably.
• The Blog: I'd get to write about the Callback Weekend experience and share it will all of you!!!

...and the NEGATIVE impact of being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally: Fear. I am terrified that after getting this close...that I will still not be accepted into this year's class and I will be crushed.
• Spiritually: I lose all sense of gratefulness and become a totally egotistical a-hole.
• Sense of Purpose: I lose my sense of acting as a "service job" and become completely self-serving in my pursuit of "winning."
• Way I See Myself: I start to see myself as a person who must be accepted by others in order to be able to accept myself.
• Way Others See Me: They may choose to see my success as "uppity" and "snooty" for me to want to be accepted to a school as prestigious as Juilliard.
• Friendships: I might lose some of them because people may react differently to me now.
• Personal Life: I could possibly be kissing my chance for a personal life good-bye. Who has time for a boyfriend in grad school?
• Job: I have to say goodbye to the comfy, familiarity of my day-job. (And I will miss hanging out with my bosses 5 days a week.)
• Career: N/A. (I cannot even pretend that this would ever have a negative impact on my career.)
• Financially: I could be looking at taking out some MAJOR student loans to attend this school. That's veeeery stressful.
• Physically (my body): It's going to be extremely physically demanding potentially.
• Physically (my home): School might be too much of a commute from Queens. If I got accepted I might be looking to move. Ugh!
• The Blog: N/A. (Can't imagine a negative impact on the blog. This is allllll part of the process. And the blog is about examining this process. So it couldn't be negative for the blog.)

Anyhoo, the over-all outcome of getting invited to the Final Callback Weekend at Juilliard (weighing both the positive and negative impact) would be exciting, scary, disorienting and destabilizing...but, over-all...GOOD.

PRETEND LIKE I DO NOT GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: I won't have to open my heart up to the emotional investment that one has to give as an actor. I can stay in my comfy-safe-normalness as long as I feel like it.
• Spiritually: I will keep hope alllll this has been worth it in terms of my spiritual growth and that I've had a positive impact with the blog, at least,...and that even though I may have failed to get in to Juilliard...that my sharing of the whole process has been good for others to read about.
• Sense of Purpose: Is tested...and re-assessed...and will become stronger as a new direction appears.
• Way I See Myself: As someone that tried...even when there was no guarantee of success...and may try again next year as well!
• Way Others See Me: As someone that keeps going in spite of failure.
• Friendships: My friendships are deepened, because those who care will communicate their support.
• Personal Life: I might actually have time to have a personal life now.
• Job: I will get to continue to build a stronger foundation of security, build confidence in my skills as an assistant and continue to get training to learn more about building databases. Sounds like fun, right?
• Career: I will continue to be a self-starter in my oddly-laid path to finding a way to be a professional actor full-time.
• Financially: I will definitely make more money at my job than I would in school.
• Physically (my body): I can still have time and flexibility to take dance class or continue yoga outside of my 9-5 hours at work.
• Physically (my home): I get to stay right where I am.
• The Blog: I get to write about how it feels to get so close...and then...not get it...and how the hell does one deal with that psychologically? 

...and the NEGATIVE impact of not being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally:  Whew...REALLY painful. Will be suuuuuuper dissapointed.
• Spiritually:  I feel like the Universe has forsaken me. How can this be true?
• Sense of Purpose:  I lose my sense of momentum and give up hope at this loss.
• Way I See Myself:  I see myself as someone who ALWAYS gets close...and then loses in the end.
• Way Others See Me: They may see me as a person who may be able to do other things well, but that I will never be successful at the thing I really care about...acting. 
• Friendships:  They pity me...or worse...keep telling me to believe in myself when I've lost the desire to have that belief.
• Personal Life:  I don't have a personal life. Prospects are not good.
• Job: I will stick with the one I've got foooooorever...even though it's not exactly creative.
• Career: Juilliard will not be the next step of my career path. Back to the drawing board
• Financially: I will continue to make a living from something other than acting (and way less awesome) for the foreseeable future.
• Physically (my body): I still get to look forward to sitting in a chair all day.
• Physically (my home): N/A
• The Blog: Do not get to write about the Juilliard Callback Weekend experience. Will have to try my best to find someone willing to guest-post...but no guarantees on finding someone willing to be publicly transparent...like I am crazy enough to be.

(Okay...so some of these negative responses are a LEEEEETLE extreme. But I think it helps to write it out... and disempower even the shadow of those ideas in my mind. Makes it less scary. 'Cause when I read them on the page, they just seem silly sometimes.)

So here's the REAL equation...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOODBAD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BADGOOD

Yay! That's a WIN/WIN!...Sort of.

Now...if only my my logical mind will be able to help my heart deal with the emotional aftermath of the outcome when I open that email tomorrow! We'll see how that goes.

(Whew! Writing this post was exhausting! Sorry it was suuuuper long, but it's been a complicated journey in my mind....How am I feeling about all this? Honestly? I think I'm totally overwhelmed...but rather than going out and drinking and numbing-out...I write lists...still it leads to a similar numbing-out sensation. Weird, right? LOL! That's just me, I guess.)

;-p

Wishing you love in analyzing your own impact scenarios this year.

It's alllll goodbadgoodbad, isn't it?

Loves,

V

P.S. Super grateful to even be HAVING these kinds of dilemmas. Truly, I feel extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to audition for Juilliard this year.

P.P.S. No blogging on Fridays. See you Saturday, guys! I promise to let you know what happens then, okay?

P.P.P.S. I can't believe that I just posted all this online. I mean...who does that? All well. It's definitely been part of my process. Yikes! ... If you've gotten this far...thanks for reading. :-P

139. Yale Drama Audition 2012: Part Three (The Five Stages)

(This is the third post relating my audition experience at the Yale School of Drama 2012. CLICK HERE to read Part One. CLICK HERE to read Part Two.)

There were four names on the "End of Day Callback List" from the morning session of auditions. FOUR NAMES.

I'd already gotten further this year than I had in the past two years.

No big crowds of people hovering over the list this time. Just me and a few others...I got close enough to read the names. I scan the list for mine.

No Virginia Wilcox.

I read the names again.

Still no Virginia Wilcox.

If your name is not on this list, Wilcox, you are no longer being considered for admission in Fall 2012.

Oh dear.

C.r.u.s.h.e.d.

It's over. No Yale for me.

(Uh-oh, Brain...Here we go…We are about to begin the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief.)

"The Death of a Dream"

by Virginia (the rejected) Wilcox

STAGE ONE: DENIAL

Wait a minute…This can't be right. What if this is the wrong list? What if this is the hourly callback list?

So I turn to the girl standing next to me… “This is the “End of Day Callback list” from the morning session, right?” If I was about to walk out that door and leave New Haven, I wanted to make SURE there was no mistake and I was looking at the right list. “This is it?”

“Yup.” She nods.

“Oh.” I sigh.

I step back slowly.

No amount of staring at that sheet of paper will make my name appear.

STAGE TWO: ANGER

Damn. This sucks.

Why is auditioning for grad school so freeeeeking competitive?!

Ugggggh!

STAGE THREE: BARGAINING

If only I had done my OTHER contemporary piece…Maybe they would have liked that better? Or perhaps if I had worn the other shirt I brought. Maybe I’m not pretty enough, not tall enough, too tall, too skinny, too Caucasian, my hair is too short, I'm too old…Oh, if only I were a man! There are always waaay more girls auditioning than boys...I should have eaten a bigger breakfast this morning…I should have worked-out more the past few months...Dyed my hair...Taken another acting class…Something…If only they had worked with me, given me an adjustment, then they would have seen that I can take direction and that might have changed their minds...It was the Shakespeare! Had to have been!...If only...If only...If only...

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION

Dude. I suck. I am not talented enough to get into Yale. How many times do I have to get rejected from this school for it to sink in to my thick skull? Who was I kidding? The odds are IMPOSSIBLE anyway. There is no point in trying. Maybe I should just take this as a sign that I'm not meant to do this acting thing anymore...not professionally anyway. 

That angry girl that called me a "second rate cruise ship actress" a couple of years ago was RIGHT...I'm never going to be a REAL actress. I'm just a fake. A "wanna-be." I should give up now. 

Annnnnnnd I have to confess to everyone that reads the blog that I FAILED AGAIN. Soooooooo embarrrrassing. I am a loser. Ugh. Argh. Bleh.

STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE

Deep breath.

Well, it's time for me to gather what remains of my dignity and self-respect and head for home. Thank goodness I have a life that I like to go back to. Glad I tried. At least I won’t ever have to wonder what would have happened. 

Who knows? Maybe I'll try again next year...And REALLY nail that Shakespeare monologue!

(As of 2012, the Yale School of Drama has not set a limit for how many times you can audition for the Acting program. FYI.)

Done...with all those thoughts.

Done...with my Yale audition.

Whew!

It's allllllll done. That was my third and final audition for the "season."

I took a breath. And felt a surprising sense of relief as I walked out the heavy red door and out into the crisp New Haven air.

Have to give myself sooooome credit...'cause I did it. I auditioned AGAIN...and it was a waaaaaay better audition than I've ever given at Yale. And I got farther than I've ever gotten too! That's progress!

Am I disappointed that I didn't make it to "End Of Day Callbacks?" OF COURSE I AM!

But am I devastated? No...welllllll.....no.

I am going to allow myself to have a leeeeeetle bit of a pity party on my way home though...Only natural...all part of the mourning process...

This is how I party...pity...party...

Cue: Sad violin solo

As I walked back to the New Haven train station. I thought about all the restaurants in New Haven I'd never get to try,...the cute little apartment I wouldn't have to look for,...the other Yale students I wouldn't get to meet,...all the awesome classes I wouldn't get to take,...all the shows I wouldn't get to see,...the Ivy-League boyfriend I'd never fall in love with,...and the student loans I wouldn't have to take out. 

:-p

Kidding aside, I can't lie. No Yale for 2012...does make me sad.

But I have to believe that I am needed elsewhere.

There are soooooo many other options out there...I could get accepted to another grad school this year (still in-the-running at Juilliard and NYU)...or maybe this isn't "my year" for grad school after all (there's always next year)...or maybe there's some other creative job or opportunity in store for me in 2012 that's even BETTER...something incredibly wonderful...not yet seen or anticipated.

I mean, after got rejected from both NYU and Yale last year...I NEVER THOUGHT I'd be writing a blog about auditioning for grad school for a third time. And this has been the most fun and challenging project ever! Sooooo it's good. It's alllllll good.

What happened at today's audition was exactly what was SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. (Mediocre Shakespeare monologue and all!)

Rejection is God's protection, right? So Yale's not the right place for me right now. And I have to trust that...as much as it may hurt my ego in this moment...I mean, everybody wants to "win the prize," right? To be the favored one...To be selected out of the massive crowd! 

But when you're not selected...you have to reflect...and ask yourself...Am I sad that I didn't get into Yale because I really wanted to be there...Or am I sad just 'cause I didn't WIN? 

Sometimes I just wanna win,...ya know?

Can't get down on myself for not "making it." I know I did my best. I have no control over Ron and Walton's personal preferences. (Jack Plotnick has an awesome article about how to deal with it when casting people "don't like you." I highly recommend that you CLICK HERE to read it.) 

Deep down, I know that I've still got a lot to offer the world as an artist and I'm excited about being able to give my love, my passion and my creativity to a community of people that will want me as a collaborator. So I'll stay open to those opportunities...No matter where they may come from!

Annnnd when I want a little after-party-pity-party...It's nice to take comfort in some familiar things...Like a strong shoulder to rest my head on...listening to Jason Mraz on my iPhone...writing in my journal...emails and FB comments from supportive friends like YOU...who have been cheering me on and encouraging me allll along the way...and will love me no matter what happens at the end of this project...grad school acceptance 2012 or no. That's comforting.

For today, I am allowing myself the time to mourn the loss of my Yale dream.

I'm allowed that. It's only natural.

But I do know (from past experience)...that I will survive...and in retrospect...I will probably look back on this and say, "Wow. NOT getting into Yale was the BEST thing that's never happened to me."

Sending you all big love for 2012 and beyond. Onward and upward!

Loves,

Virginia

P.S. I would love for someone to volunteer to do a GUEST POST ABOUT YALE CALLBACKS. So if you or anyone you know makes it to the final callback weekend at Yale, send me an email at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com, and we can discuss a guest post opportunity. I would LOVE to be able to feature your Yale experience on the blog! (You could even do it anonymously, if you're shy.) It'd be sooooooo awesome to have an account of Yale Callbacks to "round-out" the Acceptance Project! Spread the word! Thanks for your help, guys!

137. Yale Drama Audition 2012: Part One (Walking Through The Door...Again)

How would you like to go to a school where the theatre looks like this?...

(Photo by Brendan Hughes)

Well, first you have to walk through this door to audition...

(Photo by Zoe Gorman)

You will be auditioning for a man who looks like this...

(Ron Van Lieu)

Or a man who looks like this...

(Walton Wilson)

For the third year in a row...I took the two hour train ride to New Haven and walked through that door to audition for the MFA Acting program at the Yale School of Drama. The first two times...I didn't even make the first cut.

Alllllll that preparation and...BAM!...It's all over in 5 minutes. But I chose not to see these rejections as a "NO"...but rather as a "NOT YET." Ya know what I mean?...

So I'm back...To put my name "in the hat" again and see if this will be my year. Three times is the charm, right? Will Yale be receptive to my work this year or will I get cut...yet again?...Read on to find out...

For some reason, writing about my experience at Yale this year has become more like a series of bullet points than a narrative structure. So, I’m going to trust that and go with it. Hope you’ll still able to follow the story… If not,…use your imagination to fill-in the blanks.

:-)

New Haven in the stillness of the winter morning. Cold, crisp air. No snow.

Hands warming around a small coffee from JoJo’s Coffee (around the corner).

Push open the the heavy red door. Noticed a thumb-tack on the floor. Picked it up. (Somebody might step on it! That'd really ruin your audition experience.)

Check-in with the desk. Give them my headshot and resume. Friendly grad students running the show, as always! Love them.

Called in with the rest of my group for the 10am pre-audition talk with Ron and Walton. Didn't bother to take off my coat this year. (It was freezing!) The "talk" seemed more rushed than the past two years. But maybe they're pressed for time? Still, it’s nice to be able to meet them before hand, see their faces. Definitely helps to calm the nerves. Walton will be seeing half the audition group upstairs and Ron will be seeing the other half downstairs.

Spending time in the downstairs audition room (where I will be auditioning for Ron) helped to relax me… gotta love all the cracks in the plaster, the light coming through the cloudy, rectangular panes of glass and all the quirkiness of this oddly-converted-castle-to-studio-space. (Much less intimidating than my first year when I auditioned in this room last, back then all the black curtains were drawn...Oooooo, dark and scary!)

Ron, however, is still an intimidating figure to me. He's so quiet and grounded. Even the way he dresses, with his light t-shirt, sport jacket and his clean-cut white hair... Then he looks at you with this sense of knowing…as if he can see right into your soul…it’s spooky! He's seriously a legend among acting teachers. His former students talk about him like he's Yoda or something.

Walton was wearing a plaid poncho and New Balance sneakers. So his intimidation factor was not-so-much. Love that!!! He just seemed homey and comfortable. All of us auditioning just seemed a little over-dressed for the occasion in comparison. The word-on-the-street about Walton, from those that've worked with him...He's one of the sweetest human beings alive.

Since I've been assigned to audition in Ron’s room this year. Courage is key here. Goal: talk to him. (My first year…I was too scared to talk to him. My second year I auditioned for Walton...which was less scary...that one went better. You can read about my first & second year Yale auditions by clicking HERE.)

Back in the waiting room. The air is thick with nervous energy. Bleh!!! Gotta shake it off…

Did my best to get into my own little "zone" and did some yoga and deep breathing in the waiting room. Probably looked like a fool, but I don’t care. If it's gonna helped me stay focused, I'll look like a fool, any day of the week. So people can think what they will…At least the floor was clean.

I went online on my phone and chose an actor affirmation from Jack Plotnick's website that I felt would be most helpful to me that morning. It was...

"I release and destroy my need to be an “Actor”. Let them be the “Actors”, and have all the responsibilities that come with it. I am just here to be myself and have fun."

Kept saying it over and over to myself...every time my brain would wander to some negative, insecure place. None of those thoughts are going to help me right now. So I'll choose to focus on my affirmation...because that thought actually makes me feel GOOD about myself...and when I feel good...I'm going to do waaaaay better work in the audition room.

My turn to audition. (The last one in my group.)

I always feel like I have to pee at this moment…right before I’m about to go in for an audition…always. But I don’t really need to…it’s just psychosomatic.

Walk into the room and actually start a CONVERSATION with Ron Van Lieu! Score! Nothing profound, just remarking on the room and the fireplace and how it’s like auditioning in a castle. Some of the tension was released. Helped me to remember that we’re both human beings. Nice thing to be reminded of in this strange situation we know as "auditioning." Hooray! Success!

Chose to do my scary monologue first: Shakespeare….Goes fine. Not spectacular. But Shakespeare’s NooooooTTTT my thing, so that’s to be expected.

Did not RUSH to transition into my second monologue. Grabbed a chair and brought it downstage center. REALLY took my time to shift the mood. Felt good. Success.

Went into my second monologue…Contemporary piece…Same one I did for Mark and Janet at NYU…Different one than I did at Juilliard. Why did I choose this one? Just feel like I'm more connected to it this morning than the other one. Gotta trust your instincts on these things. If you can't trust your instincts, what can you trust? GOAL is to surprise myself in the monologue. I will not make choices, rather I will allow choices to happen to me. Do NOT want to seem rehearsed. Ugh. Hate that.

Goes REALLY, SUPER AWESOME. I am surprised at myself in several moments. "Where the hell did THAT come from?"...Feeeeeels fantastic…Definitely the best (most fearless) audition I’ve ever given at Yale. No question.

Totally showed my heart. Didn’t pre-plan. Wasn’t just “reciting lines.” Really felt like I put those given circumstances in my stomach and then just let the monologue happen to me. Freedom!

Back to the waiting area…Which is as freezing as an ice box.

Waiting.

Waiting.

The LIST for the 10am hour is posted on the door. Everybody in the waiting room starts for the door...

TWO names on the page…out of a group of about 20 people or so…there were TWO names on the list. It's been this way every year. I've never seen more than three names. (They clearly know EXACTLY what they're looking for and aren't going to waste your time if they're not interested. But...man...only two names...that's HARSH.)

The second name...

Virginia Wilcox

HOLY F*#K! I JUST MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST CUT AT YALE!!!

Look up in the sky, people!!! Pigs are flying through the air.

Brrrrrrr!!! Hell is freezing over.

Seriously. I am in total shock. I have never made it to a "preliminary call-back" before. This RULES!

Why did I make it this year, as opposed to other years? Don’t know. Better monologue selection probably.

Maybe my previous "NOT YET" is about to turn into a "YES...NOW!"

Oh, hopes...don't get up toooo high. It ain't over yet...In fact, it hasn't really even begun...

I can hardly believe it. I am overcome. I hug the audition monitor, Sheria, and tell her how thrilled I am at the opportunity to do my pieces again...and that this is my third try at this...SOOOO EXCITED.

No time to think, I've only got a minute to catch my breath as I’m waiting outside the door to go back into the audition room and do my pieces for both Ron and Walton.

Damn, feels like I have to pee again...

:-p

Will my "preliminary callback" be a total disaster? Will I make the next cut and be invited to the "end-of-day" callbacks? Is Yale finally going to see me as a valuable candidate for admission in Fall of 2012? Or will I be taking the walk-of-shame back to the New Haven train station yet again?

Check back tomorrow and see what happens next...in PART TWO.

Loves,
Virginia