The CA Family Play #4: Love Being Difficult

"People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult; everything alive holds to it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself in its own way and is characteristically and spontaneously itself, seeks all costs to be so and against all opposition. We know little, but that we must hold to what is difficult is certainty that will not forsake us;...that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters To A Young Poet

Every day of this trip has been emotionally exhausting...and I expected this. However, there is no doubt in my mind that all of this is well-worth the effort and I will continue without fail.

In the name of creating this "family play" I am hearing stories of my family members and friends that I've never heard before. It's overwhelming and exhilarating.

The skeletons in the closet are getting exposed to the light.

And not only that...the process of exposure is bonding us all together in LOVE and acceptance. And I am so grateful for this opportunity to deepen my connection with my family members and friends.

It is a gift to be able to use this opportunity to scratch beneath the surface and learn more about these human beings that have been so influential in my life.

I am fascinated hearing what comes up as soon as the convention of silence is broken.

"So, tell us about your relationship with the family..."

How would you answer that question for your own family? What is the first thing that comes to mind? What do you think your mother would say? Or your best friend from childhood? What are your most significant memories? Might you be surprised at the memories that others find significant? Or are you certain that you've heard it all before?

Ask.

See what happens.

It may be difficult at first, but everything worth doing usually is.

Loves,
V

"To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation...Whoever looks seriously at it finds that neither for death, which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any explanation, any solution, any hint or way yet been discerned...But in the same measure in which we begin as individuals to put life to the test, we shall, being individuals, meet these great things at closer range. The demands which the difficult work of love makes upon our development are more than life-size, and as beginners we are not up to them. But if we nevertheless hold out and take this love upon us a burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in all the light and frivolous play behind which people have hidden from the  most earnest earnestness of their existence -- then a little progress and an alleviation will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us; that would be much." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters To A Young Poet

The CA Family Play #3: My Nature

"Human interaction can be hell. Or it can be a great spiritual practice." - Eckhart Tolle, Stillness Speaks

With this project. We are all discovering our roles as we go. It's like life, I suppose.

I'm coming in with an idea of what I'd like to do/be/create/reveal. But the process is unfolding in it's own way.

My constant struggle is to stay out of judgement with "how we are doing" in the moment. Sometimes I wish I could turn of the part of my brain that has such thoughts. But I can't...and that's the way it works and that's just fine. Gotta accept my process.

It's an odd thing, to be both a "subject" and a "collaborative participant" in this endeavor. But that's the nature of my role, I suppose. To deny one or the other would be inauthentic. And I greatly value authenticity.

~~~ øøø <> øøø ~~~

"When walking or resting in nature, honor that realm by being there fully. Be still. Look. Listen. See how every animal and every plant is completely itself. Unlike humans, they have not split themselves in two. They do not live through mental images of themselves, so they do not need to be concerned with trying to protect and enhance those images. The deer is itself. The daffodil is itself." - Eckhart Tolle, Stillness Speaks

~~~ øøø <> øøø ~~~

Matt & Stan & I spent the morning wandering around Muir Woods National Monument.

I took them there because Muir Woods is a special haven of peace for me. When I used to live in San Rafael, just 15 minutes from the redwood forest, I'd bring my journal there, find a lonely log and pour out my soul on the page as often as possible.

Where do you go to feel connected to nature?

I love the smell of redwood trees.

Breathing in the clean air that the trees exhale brings comfort to my heart and clarity to my scattered mind. Sensing the support of the towering trees above helps me to feel connected to something larger and more eternal than my petty worries of this moment.

The temperature = absolutely perfect.

In the serenity of this beautiful place, I gave myself permission to crack my heart wide open and share many things with Stan and Matt that I hadn't discussed with anyone in yeeeeeears. (It was like a redwood forest therapy session. Ha!)

I'd tell you about our conversation in more detail, if I could...but I'm still processing it all. I really don't know what to say...other than...well, feeling vulnerable is scary.

Then, later on, we spent the evening at a local restaurant, hanging out and socializing. I had invited a few friends and family to stop by and enjoy a drink. It was nice to get to be with people that I hadn't seen in a long time and introduce them to Matt and Stan.

After a long, emotional morning of walking down my own personal memory lane (and all the rocky ground on that pathway). Honestly, it was a relief not to be the "subject" for a while...but to get to ask questions and listen to other people's stories.

Oh, boy! More stories will be told and experienced today. Whew! It's exciting...and exhausting.

Just gotta keep moving forward...and staying open...accepting life's situations as they come. Who knows what will happen next?

Thanks for reading.

Loves,
Virginia

P.S. If you're curious about any part of this process, please feel free to leave me a question in the comments and I'll try to address it in a future post.

"DANCE with fear. Dance with done. Dance with the resistance. Dance with each other. Dance with art." - Seth Godin, V is for Vulnerable

The CA Family Play #2: Memory Attack

"The first steps of a creative act are like groping in the dark: random and chaotic, feverish and fearful, a lot of busy-ness with no apparent or definable end in sight...I look like a desperate woman, tortured by the simple message thumping away in my head: "You need an idea"...You can't just dance or paint or write or sculpt. Those are just verbs. You need a tangible idea to get you going. The idea, however minuscule, is what turns the verb into a noun -- paint into a painting, sculpt into sculpture, write into writing, dance into dance. Even though I look desperate, I don't feel desperate, because I have a habitual routine to keep me going. I call it scratching. You know how you scratch away at a lottery ticket to see if you've won? That's what I'm doing when I begin a piece. I'm digging through everything to find something." - Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit

I'm home in the Bay Area now.

"Home."

I say, "home" though it doesn't really feel like my home anymore, though it is a beautiful place, a familiar place, a place that I love, appreciate and enjoy...

And one that gives me anxiety attacks of unexpected memories around every single corner.

As I began the drive from SFO to Walnut Creek, just the act of being in the driver's seat and turning onto the freeway onramp, I was reminded of the hundreds of times I had done that very same thing years ago...only...back then the person in the passenger's seat was my ex-boyfriend...the one I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

"Yeah. That guy, Virginia. Remember him?"

The memories of our 6 years in a relationship together flooded back all at once.

What the heck was happening to me!?

I couldn't breathe.

My heart was pounding in my chest.

My hands were sweating and gripping the steering wheel for dear life.

Adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I gasped loudly with surprise, so much so that my friends and creative collaborators Matt and Stan (unlucky passengers in my vehicle) turned to me to see what had happened.

Nothing had happened...well, not in this moment...But EVERYTHING had happened...years ago. And now, I was OVERWHELMED with the memories of a life that I had once lived, and if I had made different choices back then...I could be living a VERY different life right now...probably still in the Bay Area and probably still with him.

Whew! INTENSE...and very surprising.

I didn't come here with the intention of reflecting on HIM...I came here to think about my family and be with THEM!

"What in the world is my brain doing to me? Why am I thinking about him? Why can't I seem to control it?"

I do NOT like this feeling.

I went from "totally fine"...to "emotionally distressed and missing him terribly," (like I haven't felt in YEARS) in about 0.2 seconds.

Very interesting.

I don't think of my ex-boyfriend very often in my current New York reality and there are very few physical landmarks there to trigger my memories of him.

Sigh.

Painful.

"Well...this is what you wanted, Virginia. To come here and see what happens...Well, guess what? You are having painful memories of a past relationship that ended. THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. So don't resist it."

So I started telling Matt and Stan all about the source of my powerful gasp for air and my memories of heartbreak and thoughts of woulda-coulda-shoulda.

And it sparked a great discussion between the three of us...with Matt and Stan sharing their personal stories and similar feelings.

We were all sharing our nostalgia and longing for a time when you used to be able to open your heart with reckless abandon, before your heart had been wounded, before mistakes had been made, before you became jaded and closed-off to the simple beauty and tender romance of youth. When had our views of love become so utilitarian, practical and pragmatic? Was all-consuming love even possible for us in our 30s? Or was that something that we'd never be able to experience again? Would any of us even want to?

(Any thoughts, feelings or stories you'd care to share in our discussion? The comments section of this blog is always available to you, if you so desire.)

I have a feeling that this is only the beginning of these kinds of fantastic discussions, sparked by unexpected realizations and surprising visceral reactions to seemingly innocuous things.

Inspiration is everywhere...even in the painful moments...maybe...ESPECIALLY in the painful moments.

And that's my method of "scratching," I suppose (as Twyla describes above).

The pain, the emotion, the strong reaction...means that there is something THERE...something underneath the surface, and if I just scratch a little deeper...perhaps we can find something there...a story...reflecting an authentic human experience...and that by sharing that story we can create connections between us. And bring us all closer...and spark some empathy in this world of separateness...some compassion in this world of judgement.

But I'm getting a head of myself.

For now...let's just take a breath and get to Walnut Creek...in one piece.

Loves,
Virginia

"VULNERABLE is the only way we can feel when we truly share the art we've made. When we share it, when we connect, we have shifted all the power and made ourselves naked in front of the person we've given the fit of our art to. We have no excuses, no manual to point to, no standard operating procedure to protect us. And that is part of our gift." - Seth Godin, V is for Vulnerable: Life Outside the Comfort Zone