"When you're falling, dive." - Joseph Campbell
Well, this time the Juilliard door has REALLY closed...for good.
Today I was not invited to the final callback weekend. This is my second application and they only allow two.
I got the email while I was sitting at my desk at my very non-creative office day job...that I am "lucky" and "grateful" to have, but is nowhere near my passion.
So what did I decide to do when I got off of work?
- Went straight home.
- Ordered a half-rack of BBQ ribs from The Butcher Bar.
- Sat alone on my bedroom floor and ate myself into rotundness.
- Watched Melancholia on streaming Netflix.
- Drank a glass of white wine.
- Fell asleep, still in my clothes at 8:30pm.
I wish I could tell you that I giggled at my "thanks-but-no-thanks" email, didn't take it personally in the slightest, shrugged my shoulders, and toasted the Universe with my Poland Spring water bottle.
I believe the first words out of my mouth were "Motherf*%k#r!"
I'm still working out in my head what kind of story I want to tell myself about what happened and why. None of these stories or justifications in my mind are actually true. But we humans like to make up stories to explain things and comfort our egos. (Please read "The Power of Now" for more on this.)
I am trying to remind myself that it's not the event itself, but the way we explain the event to ourselves that causes depression. And if I ask myself depressing questions, I will get depressing answers. (Please read "The Bounce Back Book" for more on this.)
Truth be told, I am in no way ready to be all happy-go-lucky about this turn of events yet. For now I am fully embracing my wallowing in self-pity and sadness. (Waaaaah Wahhhhh Pooooor Meeee!) I need to allow myself to do that. Because when it comes to emotional pain, you can run, but you can't hide. And what I am going through is NORMAL.
FEELING means your DEALING means your HEALING. I will get over it eventually, but for now I am enjoying being sad, sad, sad.
All my friends on FaceBook were super INSPIRATIONAL and ENCOURAGING yesterday! (The best part about sharing my grad school application journey online is the fantastic group of encouraging supporters that have rallied around me as a result.)
Here are some of the amazing quotes that were shared with me yesterday...to help me through the funk of disappointment. Hope they will be inspirational to you...more than my story of eating ribs and watching depressing movies.
(Thank you, FB friends...Hope you don't mind my sharing!)
“We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are.” ― Tobias Wolff
"Look on every exit as an entrance somewhere else." - Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
"Have the courage to go beyond other people's rules and expectations. I pray that you will live and write your own story and then be brave enough to communicate it authentically to others. People will be inspired by it, people will learn from it, and people will have the courage to change their own lives because of the example you have set." -- Maria Shriver
"Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." -James A Michener
Their football team is dreadful anyway.
"Fuck em." - Carrie Hill
There is no one path to your goals. There is nothing about you that tells me you will not find your path.
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." - Jimmy Dean
Salted caramels heal all wounds.
Johann Gottfried Von Herder said "Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with sparks." YOU are one of the sparks!
"If you can dream it, you can do it."- Walt Disney
"Well, I suppose I must endure the presence of 2 or 3 caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies." - The Little Prince. Those butterflies are coming, dear one.
What might feel like REJECTION IS ACTUALLY the UNIVERSE'S PROTECTION. We are being protected from something that does not serve our journey, that would interfere with our trajectory, our process, or inspiration, our growth. Trust that all is well and unfolding perfectly for our utmost growth and transcendence. Life is not happening to us; it is happening for us! Also, there is no such thing as failure. The Universe never says "no" to our queries and pursuits. It says: YES .... or.... NOT YET .... or ... NOT THIS.... because there is something much more suited for us, much more magical that if given future hindsight, we would look back at our lives now and see the infinite potential and feel overrun by gratitude.
Everything is a favor.
It will be your great story on The Tonight Show, which will go on to inspire others:)
No condolences! I truly believe, like you said, the universe IS looking out for you! It is better to have disappointment, and no regrets! So proud of your talent and courage! Another door is waiting to open for you! The right one! The best one for you!!!
Here's a few from my "archives":
"Blessed are the flexible, for they'll never get bent out of shape."
"Earth without ART is just 'Eh' ". (Love that)
"It is a bad plan that admits of no modifications" - Publilius Syrus
"The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty and truth. The trite subjects of human efforts; possessions, outward success, and luxury have always seemed to me contemptible" - Albert Einstein.
"Who are you?, said the Caterpillar...I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present", Alice replied rather shyly, "at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then." - Lewis Carroll
"Cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all heavenly environment." - James Allen
We meet our destiny in unexpected places.
Sending big hugs to you all.
Wallow and be sad as long as you need to friends, then sing your heartache out and be happy with life just as it is.
P.S. Oh...and keep knocking on doors. One of them is bound to open eventually.