Thursday, February 16, 2012

142. The Impact Scenarios

Tomorrow is the day that Juilliard will be sending me an email to either...
A. Invite me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I'll be a contender for the first ever MFA class at Juilliard
B. Tell me that they will NOT be inviting me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I will know that I am no longer under consideration for acceptance to the program for Fall 2012 might think that considering my feelings about my wonderful audition experience at Juilliard, that (in my mind) the below equation might apply...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOOD
Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BAD

However, it's really not that "black and white," now is it? Most situations are "shades of gray," and this one is no exception. We've all been in situations where a certain outcome could have a MAJOR IMPACT on your life and the lives of your loved ones.

And to an outside eye it may seem like a no-brainer, simplistic Good vs. Bad scenario, but to know allllll the ramifications that an outcome will have on your life. Other people can't know all those things, only you know them about your own life and your own mind.

Success is sometimes just as terrifying as failure...and often times MORE so.

So to really understand the complexity of any situation, you've gotta analyze the IMPACT of that outcome on your life...on every area of your life that matters to you. There will be both a positive and negative matter which outcome happens. It's just a matter of which one is worse or better...according to your own values, life situation and personal preferences.

Do I want to get called back at Juilliard?


Will it mean that my life will be perfect and happy and simple and easy if I get called back at Juilliard?


So in anticipation of being overwhelmed by the actual outcome tomorrow...which I will have to be dealing with very soon...I'd love to take this opportunity tonight...To rationally think this objectively as a can...before things get C-Ra-zY.

"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst." - Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)

So..... here are my impact scenarios for both outcomes (as best I can imagine them right now... hypothetically.)

... the POSITIVE impact could be...
  • Emotionally: Joy!!! I love this school.
  • Spiritually: I feel like I am on my "right path."
  • Sense of Purpose: I am dedicated to becoming the BEST possible actor that I can be in this lifetime and using my gifts to have a positive impact on the world. This is the next step on that journey.
  • Way I See Myself: I feel like I am the luckiest person on this planet.
  • Way Others See Me: They might feel excited for me and get excited about keeping on working toward their dreams too!
  • Friendships: I will get to make new friends at the Callback Weekend.
  • Personal Life: I feel great about where I'm at right now. Glad that I'm single...whilst I embark on this very personal journey.
  • Job: I could possibly have a new job soon: "Full-time Acting Student."
  • Career: This could lead to a great big huge growth spurt for me that could lead to some incredible creative collaborations with awesome artists that I am yet to meet in the future.
  • Financially: Will inevitably have a positive impact on my future prospects for being able to make a living as an actor.
  • Physically (my body): I could have the opportunity to get up and MOVE everyday at school...vs. the sedentary sit-at-a-desk-all-day-and-stare-at-a-computer-screen job that I currently have.
  • Physically (my home): Juilliard is in New York. So if I were to be accepted there...I could stay in my apartment in Astoria probably.
  • The Blog: I'd get to write about the Callback Weekend experience and share it will all of you!!!

...and the NEGATIVE impact of being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...
  • Emotionally: Fear. I am terrified that after getting this close...that I will still not be accepted into this year's class and I will be crushed.
  • Spiritually: I lose all sense of gratefulness and become a totally egotistical a-hole.
  • Sense of Purpose: I lose my sense of acting as a "service job" and become completely self-serving in my pursuit of "winning."
  • Way I See Myself: I start to see myself as a person who must be accepted by others in order to be able to accept myself.
  • Way Others See Me: They may choose to see my success as "uppity" and "snooty" for me to want to be accepted to a school as prestigious as Juilliard.
  • Friendships: I might lose some of them because people may react differently to me now.
  • Personal Life: I could possibly be kissing my chance for a personal life good-bye. Who has time for a boyfriend in grad school?
  • Job: I have to say goodbye to the comfy, familiarity of my day-job. (And I will miss hanging out with my bosses 5 days a week.)
  • Career: N/A. (I cannot even pretend that this would ever have a negative impact on my career.)
  • Financially: I could be looking at taking out some MAJOR student loans to attend this school. That's veeeery stressful.
  • Physically (my body): It's going to be extremely physically demanding potentially.
  • Physically (my home): School might be too much of a commute from Queens. If I got accepted I might be looking to move. Ugh!
  • The Blog: N/A. (Can't imagine a negative impact on the blog. This is allllll part of the process. And the blog is about examining this process. So it couldn't be negative for the blog.)

Anyhoo, the over-all outcome of getting invited to the Final Callback Weekend at Juilliard (weighing both the positive and negative impact) would be exciting, scary, disorienting and destabilizing...but, over-all...GOOD.

... the POSITIVE impact could be...
  • Emotionally: I won't have to open my heart up to the emotional investment that one has to give as an actor. I can stay in my comfy-safe-normalness as long as I feel like it.
  • Spiritually: I will keep hope alllll this has been worth it in terms of my spiritual growth and that I've had a positive impact with the blog, at least,...and that even though I may have failed to get in to Juilliard...that my sharing of the whole process has been good for others to read about.
  • Sense of Purpose: Is tested...and re-assessed...and will become stronger as a new direction appears.
  • Way I See Myself: As someone that tried...even when there was no guarantee of success...and may try again next year as well!
  • Way Others See Me: As someone that keeps going in spite of failure.
  • Friendships: My friendships are deepened, because those who care will communicate their support.
  • Personal Life: I might actually have time to have a personal life now.
  • Job: I will get to continue to build a stronger foundation of security, build confidence in my skills as an assistant and continue to get training to learn more about building databases. Sounds like fun, right?
  • Career: I will continue to be a self-starter in my oddly-laid path to finding a way to be a professional actor full-time.
  • Financially: I will definitely make more money at my job than I would in school.
  • Physically (my body): I can still have time and flexibility to take dance class or continue yoga outside of my 9-5 hours at work.
  • Physically (my home): I get to stay right where I am.
  • The Blog: I get to write about how it feels to get so close...and then...not get it...and how the hell does one deal with that psychologically? 

...and the NEGATIVE impact of not being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...
  • Emotionally:  Whew...REALLY painful. Will be suuuuuuper dissapointed.
  • Spiritually:  I feel like the Universe has forsaken me. How can this be true?
  • Sense of Purpose:  I lose my sense of momentum and give up hope at this loss.
  • Way I See Myself:  I see myself as someone who ALWAYS gets close...and then loses in the end.
  • Way Others See Me: They may see me as a person who may be able to do other things well, but that I will never be successful at the thing I really care about...acting. 
  • Friendships:  They pity me...or worse...keep telling me to believe in myself when I've lost the desire to have that belief.
  • Personal Life:  I don't have a personal life. Prospects are not good.
  • Job: I will stick with the one I've got foooooorever...even though it's not exactly creative.
  • Career: Juilliard will not be the next step of my career path. Back to the drawing board
  • Financially: I will continue to make a living from something other than acting (and way less awesome) for the foreseeable future.
  • Physically (my body): I still get to look forward to sitting in a chair all day.
  • Physically (my home): N/A
  • The Blog: Do not get to write about the Juilliard Callback Weekend experience. Will have to try my best to find someone willing to guest-post...but no guarantees on finding someone willing to be publicly I am crazy enough to be.

( some of these negative responses are a LEEEEETLE extreme. But I think it helps to write it out... and disempower even the shadow of those ideas in my mind. Makes it less scary. 'Cause when I read them on the page, they just seem silly sometimes.)

So here's the REAL equation...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOODBAD
Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BADGOOD

Yay! That's a WIN/WIN!...Sort of.

Now...if only my my logical mind will be able to help my heart deal with the emotional aftermath of the outcome when I open that email tomorrow! We'll see how that goes.

(Whew! Writing this post was exhausting! Sorry it was suuuuper long, but it's been a complicated journey in my mind....How am I feeling about all this? Honestly? I think I'm totally overwhelmed...but rather than going out and drinking and numbing-out...I write lists...still it leads to a similar numbing-out sensation. Weird, right? LOL! That's just me, I guess.)


Wishing you love in analyzing your own impact scenarios this year.

It's alllll goodbadgoodbad, isn't it?


P.S. Super grateful to even be HAVING these kinds of dilemmas. Truly, I feel extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to audition for Juilliard this year.

P.P.S. No blogging on Fridays. See you Saturday, guys! I promise to let you know what happens then, okay?

P.P.P.S. I can't believe that I just posted all this online. I mean...who does that? All well. It's definitely been part of my process. Yikes! ... If you've gotten this far...thanks for reading. :-P


  1. I really enjoy your blog! I hope regardless of what happens you will continue writing about all aspects of your life's journey. Your insight is impressive and helpful. And I don't even consider myself an actor! Just a person who loves acting when I find the chance. I am living vicariously through you : )

  2. Great mental prep for the news tomorrow! I, of course, hope you get invited (AND have a good feeling, though don't want to jinx it), but am glad to hear that you will be OK if it's a 'not this time.' Do you know when you find out about NYU callback weekend?