"Nobody can tell you who you are. It would just be another concept, so it would not change you. Who you are requires no belief. In fact, every belief is an obstacle. It does not even require your realization, since you already are who you are. But without realization, who you are does not shine forth into this world... You are like an apparently poor person who does not know he has a bank account with $100 million in it and so his wealth remains an unexpressed potential." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
Letting go of a belief is a hard process.
I've believed for a looooooong time that the BEST POSSIBLE NEXT STEP on my career path would be to attend Yale, NYU or Juilliard. There were many, many factors that lead me to this belief, some of which you can read about by CLICKING HERE.
In the past two years, when auditioning for grad school, I allllllways felt like I had held something back...That I was so intent on "getting in" and impressing them, that I wasn't able to show my true self. I was too scared to be vulnerable. I kept trying again because I knew that I could do better, because I had never really been able to let go of my fear that I am truly unworthy of acceptance to one of these top schools...and so, I think I was unconsciously sabotaging my performance.
But this year, I can HONESTLY say that I changed my belief and chose to GIVE MY ALL. I cannot IMAGINE being better prepared or more ready to be in-the-moment and play. And because of my blogging 6-days-a-week...I also knew exactly WHY I wanted to be there and felt confident articulating that....to anyone willing to listen. ;-p
And my auditions went incredibly well. I made it through "the first cut" at all three schools, including Yale (which was a major accomplishment, since I'd never gotten that far before). And I am thrilled to say that I made it to the "end of the day" at both my NYU Grad Acting audition and my Juilliard audition.
This year I felt like I had completely held up my end of the bargain. I did my VERY BEST...and left the rest up to the universe.
And apparently...the universe has other plans for me than attending grad school, since I did not make it to final callbacks for any of these schools.
So now...I'm having to take a good look at my belief...Is grad school really the best possible next step for me?
What else is possible for me?
Am I ready to let go of my grad school dreams?
Or do I want to try auditioning again next year?
What are the other avenues I could pursue to attain my overarching goal?...Building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!
I don't know the answers to any of these questions yet...Nor do I need to.
But I do think they're very important questions to be asking myself at this point.
I do know that I am soooooo tired of pursuing this dream alone. I need EXPERT GUIDANCE and MENTORSHIP to make my dreams a reality...
"As artists, we are open-minded but we need not be gullible. Many of the people purporting to be able to help us shape our craft have very little experience with crafting something themselves. What we are looking for is people who have done what we want to do -- not someone who has watched others do it...When "help" is volunteered, we must be certain it is timely and actually helpful." - Julia Cameron, Walking In This World
So if you know someone in New York that might be a good mentor for me...Someone that is currently thriving as an creative person, making an abundant living as an actor in theatre/tv/film/voiceover, has a fantabulous relationship with their agent and is fearless, has a positive out-look on life and is interested in mentoring a highly-motivated and dedicated young actress/blogger named Virginia Wilcox...please email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. I will consider all applicants. :-)
I do believe that a solid relationship with a mentor would help me immensely.
Do I believe that I can have the kind of successful career as an actor that I've been dreaming of...without an MFA from Yale, Juilliard or NYU?....Hmmmm. That's a good question.
I guess the honest answer for right now is...no...I do not believe that I will do as well in my career without the experience of earning an MFA from one of these schools and becoming a valued member of the artistic communities associated with these institutions.
Soooooo gotta look at changing that belief perhaps! Because if I don't believe it's possible...it ain't gonna happen.
Whatever does happen next...I know it will be joyful...and good...if I allow it to be.
My life is unfolding just the way it's supposed to...even though it's certainly not happening the way I had hoped or planned.
"It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end." - Ursula K. Le Guin
I'm okay. I am having fun with the journey!
And I am happy that on April 1st I will be able to say that I've SUCCESSFULLY completed exactly what I set out to do: write 180 blog posts about my creative process of applying to grad school for the third time. That's a truly unique accomplishment...and out of the thousands of people that auditioned for grad school this year, I can confidently say that I'm the only one who's done THAT...It may be a weird to have a blog about auditioning for grad school, but I think it was worth it. It's been an incredible commitment device. I see the value in it anyway...and that makes me feel good....no matter what anyone else may think.
And I'm grateful for my life's many blessings....I can pay my rent...and eat...and I have a warm bed. I live in a free country. I'm safe. I'm healthy...and that's what REALLY matters.
Looking forward to the possibilities and the impossibilities that 2012 may bring...
Love to you all,
P.S. What are the limiting beliefs that you have about your own life that may be keeping you in stasis? How can you begin to let them go?