15. Quiet Your Inner Critic

“You don’t have a “money problem;” you have a drive, will, and imagination block. Learn how to ask for and fight for what you want and say no to what you don’t want.”   – Tom Todoroff, www.TomTodorff.com

I struggle daily with my own insecurities about this Acceptance Project blog… It’s especially difficult when I tell new people about it… people who have just met me… sssstraaaangeeeers. Yikes! Scariness!!!

But “Action Creates Confidence,” as I have tried to remind myself in my Personal Process Guidelines, so I keep putting myself out there and taking action to tell people about what I am doing and invite them to follow.

It’s rarely easy though. I wish that feeling confident would stick with me more consistently. I know that’s all part of the process…

Still…

When I tell other people about the blog, I am always met with a look of shock on their faces… “You’re doing what? Wow… That’s a lot… Um. Good for you.”

Most people say supportive things… I mean, it’s not like most people will stand there and make fun of you right to your face anyway, even if they do think you're totally insane.

Though I think that most people are generally supportive and some people actually get excited by the idea. I mean… why not? It’s not their blog. They may as well wish me well.

But it’s the look of pity that I sometimes get that’s the hardest for me to process. It’s the…  “Oh, this poor girl is going to be so crushed when she doesn’t get into grad school... again.”

You know what the truth is? I won’t be crushed… I wasn't crushed before and I won't be again. Not at ALL! Rejection is status-quo. I am soooo used to it… Actually, getting accepted would probably throw-me more. Definitely.

Also…

Sometimes I get this icky feeling that I am totally uppity and pretentious to ONLY be applying to tippy-top-top-uber-competitive-nationally-renowned drama schools.

And yes. Maybe I am uppity.

But this is my life and I don’t WANT to go anywhere else. So other people can go to other schools… because that’s what they want. I, however, will continue to move toward my dreams… and hopefully learn not to apologize about it along the way.

To be perfectly honest, my main source of embarrassment with the project is that it’s totally over-kill. 

Don’t get me wrong, I totally LOVE blogging every day about all this stuff. And it is helping me immensely to keep me focused and on-track.

However, I admit that starting a blog is a bit much. It’s certainly not required for admission to grad school. Ha!

Creating this blog in spite of my fears and reaching out to you all to follow… has helped me with another of my Personal Process Guidelines… “Don't Be Embarrassed To Over-Deliver.”

Why is this one is so hard for me?

I guess I feel like other people are able to put way less effort into things and still succeed.

Like they're living these "cool," effortless lives and I'm not.

But for me, the fun is in the effort. It may not be "cool," but I enjoy doing the work. I like knowing that I did EVERYTHING I could. I just don’t always enjoy other people noticing how much work I am actually doing. I feel like it makes them uncomfortable.

Of course, you guys know what I’m doing… and I appreciate that you are noticing.

But I still struggle with the feeling that it shouldn’t be a struggle.

:-p

The nice thing about feelings is that they change. Hallelujah! So I know that the bad ones will soon be replaced by good ones again. It’s only a matter of time.

As for the blog…

People who are into it… will enjoy being a part of it.

People who are not into it… won’t subscribe.

I’d rather have a few totally supportive people following, than a thousand people that are ho-hum about the project.

Though I am primarily writing this blog for my own benefit, I do hope my successes feel like your successes too! Because we’ve committed to creating this chapter together!

At the start of this project, I promised to keep showing up in your inbox every day (except Friday) and I will continue to do so, inner-critic be damned!

Resiliently,

Virginia

P.S. Out of curiosity, how do you quiet your inner critic?

“As soon as we consider giving up on anything, we are looking for reasons to support that decision. If we, instead, commit to a project, or mission,… then we look for reasons to stick with it.”- Adam Gilbert, MyBodyTutor