Update #4: Keep Knocking On Doors

"When you're falling, dive." - Joseph Campbell

Well, this time the Juilliard door has REALLY closed...for good.

Today I was not invited to the final callback weekend. This is my second application and they only allow two.

I got the email while I was sitting at my desk at my very non-creative office day job...that I am "lucky" and "grateful" to have, but is nowhere near my passion.

So what did I decide to do when I got off of work?

1. Went straight home.
2. Ordered a half-rack of BBQ ribs from The Butcher Bar.
3. Sat alone on my bedroom floor and ate myself into rotundness.
4. Watched Melancholia on streaming Netflix.
5. Drank a glass of white wine.
6. Fell asleep, still in my clothes at 8:30pm.

Inspirational, right?

Ha!

I wish I could tell you that I giggled at my "thanks-but-no-thanks" email, didn't take it personally in the slightest, shrugged my shoulders, and toasted the Universe with my Poland Spring water bottle.

NOPE.

I believe the first words out of my mouth were "Motherf*%k#r!"

Sigh.

I'm still working out in my head what kind of story I want to tell myself about what happened and why. None of these stories or justifications in my mind are actually true. But we humans like to make up stories to explain things and comfort our egos. (Please read "The Power of Now" for more on this.)

I am trying to remind myself that it's not the event itself, but the way we explain the event to ourselves that causes depression. And if I ask myself depressing questions, I will get depressing answers. (Please read "The Bounce Back Book" for more on this.)

Truth be told, I am in no way ready to be all happy-go-lucky about this turn of events yet. For now I am fully embracing my wallowing in self-pity and sadness. (Waaaaah Wahhhhh Pooooor Meeee!) I need to allow myself to do that. Because when it comes to emotional pain, you can run, but you can't hide. And what I am going through is NORMAL.

FEELING means your DEALING means your HEALING. I will get over it eventually, but for now I am enjoying being sad, sad, sad.

However....

All my friends on FaceBook were super INSPIRATIONAL and ENCOURAGING yesterday! (The best part about sharing my grad school application journey online is the fantastic group of encouraging supporters that have rallied around me as a result.)

Here are some of the amazing quotes that were shared with me yesterday...to help me through the funk of disappointment. Hope they will be inspirational to you...more than my story of eating ribs and watching depressing movies.

(Thank you, FB friends...Hope you don't mind my sharing!)

Bryan 

“We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are.” ― Tobias Wolff

Kristin 

"Look on every exit as an entrance somewhere else." - Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"

Bryan 

"Have the courage to go beyond other people's rules and expectations. I pray that you will live and write your own story and then be brave enough to communicate it authentically to others. People will be inspired by it, people will learn from it, and people will have the courage to change their own lives because of the example you have set." -- Maria Shriver

Christine 

"Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." -James A Michener

Kevin 

Their football team is dreadful anyway.

Carrie 

"Fuck em." - Carrie Hill

Colin 

There is no one path to your goals. There is nothing about you that tells me you will not find your path.

Michael 

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." - Jimmy Dean

John 

Salted caramels heal all wounds.

Deborah 

Johann Gottfried Von Herder said "Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with sparks." YOU are one of the sparks!

Brenna 

"If you can dream it, you can do it."- Walt Disney

Lauren 

"Well, I suppose I must endure the presence of 2 or 3 caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies." - The Little Prince. Those butterflies are coming, dear one.

Cindy 

What might feel like REJECTION IS ACTUALLY the UNIVERSE'S PROTECTION. We are being protected from something that does not serve our journey, that would interfere with our trajectory, our process, or inspiration, our growth. Trust that all is well and unfolding perfectly for our utmost growth and transcendence. Life is not happening to us; it is happening for us! Also, there is no such thing as failure. The Universe never says "no" to our queries and pursuits. It says: YES .... or.... NOT YET .... or ... NOT THIS.... because there is something much more suited for us, much more magical that if given future hindsight, we would look back at our lives now and see the infinite potential and feel overrun by gratitude.

Nick 

Everything is a favor.

Wendy 

It will be your great story on The Tonight Show, which will go on to inspire others:)

Kerri 

No condolences! I truly believe, like you said, the universe IS looking out for you! It is better to have disappointment, and no regrets! So proud of your talent and courage! Another door is waiting to open for you! The right one! The best one for you!!!

Susan 

Here's a few from my "archives": 

"Blessed are the flexible, for they'll never get bent out of shape."

"Earth without ART is just 'Eh' ". (Love that) 

"It is a bad plan that admits of no modifications" - Publilius Syrus

"The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty and truth. The trite subjects of human efforts; possessions, outward success, and luxury have always seemed to me contemptible" - Albert Einstein.

"Who are you?, said the Caterpillar...I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present", Alice replied rather shyly, "at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then." - Lewis Carroll

"Cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all heavenly environment." - James Allen

Kathy 

We meet our destiny in unexpected places.

Sending big hugs to you all.

Wallow and be sad as long as you need to friends, then sing your heartache out and be happy with life just as it is.

Loves,
Virginia

P.S. Oh...and keep knocking on doors. One of them is bound to open eventually.

Update #3: Throw A Chair

Hi guys!

Confession: I've been procrastinating writing this post...You know..it's my "HOW DID AUDITIONS GO THIS YEAR?" post.

Ugh.

I have been putting a lot of expectations on myself about how it "should be"... How this post should be "profound and inspiring" or "hilariously funny" or "heartfelt and poignant." It's probably not going to be any of those things. Sorry!

("Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, Wilcox! You never would have started this blog if it had to be perfect! Just write SOMETHING"...I tell myself.)

In order to get me to actually sit down and write this post, I needed to let go of all of those "should" expectations and allow myself to write a boring, factual, short and simple account of what occurred at my MFA auditions this year (and how it felt).

Now... it sounds like I'm about to say that all my auditions went terrible this 4th year of applying and that's why it's been so hard to write about them! That's definitely not the case. I've just been in avoidance-mode. That's all.

Anyhoo...avoidance no more!

Here is the run-down:

OLD GLOBE (UNIVERSITY OF SAN DIEGO) MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: Ripley-Grier Studios, NYC
Audition Date: Thursday, January 24, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $55
How many times have I auditioned here?: Twice (2010 & 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Felt great!
Callback?: No. (But that's okay because Old Globe doesn't have callbacks.)
What happens next?: Now just waiting to hear from them.

NYU GRAD ACTING

Audition Location: Tisch, 721 Broadway, NYC
Audition Date: Friday, January 25, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $60
How many times have I auditioned here?: Four times (2010, 2011, 2012, 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Felt great! Had fun.
Callback?: Yes. Made it through same-day-second-round-callbacks with Mark Wing-Davey. That's as far as you can get on the day of auditions. Yay!
What happens next?: Now just waiting to hear if I will get invited to the "final callback weekend" in March.

(Read more detailed accounts of my previous audition experiences at NYU here: 2010, 2011 and 2012.)

JUILLIARD MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: The Juilliard School, Lincoln Center Plaza, NYC
Audition Date: Saturday, January 26, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $110
How many times have I auditioned here?: Twice (2012 & 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Very emotional day. Felt really wonderful to have the opportunity to audition for them again. I had the best audition experience last year...and this year was just as fun/awesome!
Callback?: Yes. Made it through same-day-second-round-callbacks, the group-work and to a final interview at the end of the day.
What happens next?: I will receive an email tomorrow to tell me if I've been invited to the "final callback weekend" in March.

(Read a more detailed account of last year's audition experience at Juilliard here: 2012. And here is a link to my most popular post during the project, "The Juilliard Door Closes," about how it feels to NOT get accepted to your top-choice school.)

YALE MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: Yale University, New Haven, CT
Audition Date: Sunday, February 3, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $110
How many times have I auditioned here?: Four times (2010, 2011, 2012, 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. They are always very nice.
Callback?: No.
What happens next?: No need to wait. Because I did not receive a callback, I know that I am not being considered for this year's class. (But thank you for sending me my rejection letter email today, Yale... on Valentine's day. Very sensitive. Very sensitive, indeed...Ha!)

(Read more detailed accounts of my previous audition experiences at Yale here: 2010/2011 and 2012.)

And now for FEEEEEELINGS...

My goal for this year's auditions was to challenge myself to throw a chair in EVERY audition. (Special thanks to Kevin Morales who suggested that I work in the chair throw to my Shakespeare monologue. Totally justified with the given circumstances of the play and the journey of the character in the monologue.) Still, this felt TERRIFYING to me. And that's EXACTLY why I had to do it.

It felt like a huge RISK for me every time. Which meant that something REAL was a stake in my performance!!!

Thoughts like this would run through my head...

-  What if the chair breaks? (One of them did break...first round at NYU. Yikes!)

-  What if they think I'm crazy? (So what if they do?! Would I want to attend a graduate acting program that didn't allow the students to make big/risky choices in class? NO! So if they think I'm crazy for throwing a chair, then that's probably NOT the program for me....And maybe I am a little bit crazy, anyway...just sayin'.)

-  What if they don't "like" me or think that it's not "nice" to throw a chair? (Ugh. I call this "nice girl syndrome." F@%K that! Get over yourself, Virginia! This isn't about them liking YOU in this monologue...This is about you communicating the journey of this Shakespearean character and if throwing a chair helps tell that story (which I think it did) then you'd better not be a cowardly chickens*^t and back down and be "polite" just because you're afraid of offending somebody. That said...when I did break one chair...I did apologize politely afterwards.)

Four years ago...I NEVER would have had the balls to throw a chair in an audition, MFA or otherwise. I would have talked myself out of it...and justified every possible reason why it was a terrible idea...every time.

But...now...I feel proud...because I not only threw a chair in every audition...I still got called back at NYU and Juilliard!!! AWESOME!

It just goes to show...Sometimes the "rules" we superimpose on ourselves are TOTAL bulls!@t and should be broken. There is no "right" way in this life. Take a RISK!!! It feels amazing to know that you can! Even if you break a chair...you will survive!!! F*~k Yeah!

(Geez, lots of expletives in this post. Perhaps I should have given a disclaimer at the beginning. This post is PG-13.... "Nice girl syndrome" strikes again. Ha!)

Anyways, that's how it went...and a little bit about how I felt about it.

So check back with me for Update #4 soon...very soon...since I'll be getting an email from Juilliard tomorrow.

Eeeeeeeee!

Thank you for reading....Thank you for all of your good energy and well-wishes during my auditions. It was all deeply felt and much appreciated.

Sending sooooo much love to all of you courageous people who are on this journey too!

Dream BIG...and do not give up!

Loves,
Virginia

"Look where you have ended up right now. This is exactly where you need to be, so don't resist. Pay attention to what is showing up for you and use that as the guidance for where your next step lies. If it does not feel good and expansive, you have work to do It's not about them and what they decide or do. It is about you and your process, so take responsibility for that. Be flexible and don't blame." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path