Now you can find me on Patreon & Dec 2020 UPDATE

"The sorrows of others do not interfere with your pleasures. If you were really compassionate, you would have abandoned long ago all self-concern and entered the only state from which you can really help...Accept life as it comes and you will find it a blessing."

- I Am That, Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

 

Hello Friends, 

So much has happened since we last spoke. I'm being real with you. It's been an onslaught of super challenging circumstances. Here are a few of the "lowlights"... 

I taught an acting class to middle school girls and discovered the excruciating pain of learning that their experience of you is...you are a terrible teacher and they venomously dislike you and blame you for ruining their summer. Wow! Bloody hell!

Then... I tried to look for love and I met a very "interesting guy" on Tinder.  I thought he was a bit strange but I decided to give it a chance. We started dating and...Weeeeeee!!!!! Two months in...oops! Unexpected pregnancy!!! WTF???

Q: Abortion? Keep the baby?

A: Keep.

Almost died in childbirth. Discovered that becoming a mother was one of the most devastating and perfectly awful experiences I've ever had, especially when you're recovering from PTSD and learning how to walk again and taking care of a newborn 24/7 and you just met your "partner" less than a year ago. No trust. No shared-understanding. No emotional safety. 

Fu&k.

Why do people ever chose to go through this birth process by choice? There must be a reason. But for me it made me ill for the better part of a year and then almost killed me. So it was not my experience to feel anything like "baby bliss" or enjoyment so I can only imagine/understand what that must be like for other people...I don't actually relate to "wanting" to be a parent. 

Sorry if that offends someone. Call me names. It's fine. I have had a different experience. It's okay for me to have mine and you can have yours. It's cool. Both can co-exist without negating the validity of the other. And also, I'm ok with the reality that it has been painful for me. So if you want to "make me feel better" about it, in order for you to feel better...It's really not necessary. I'm ok with not being ok. So please you...try to be ok with me not being ok. It's ok. I'm ok. My kid is ok. And I don't "like" being a parent. I'm still making an effort to do a good job. Fear not. I'm just not going to lie about how I feel about it. It's too exhausting to pretend. Not worth the effort.

Then there is the isolation of this f-d up culture where everyone is "too busy" to show up for each other anymore or respond or notice when someone is struggling...As soon as you have a difficult life experience...then all of the sudden...people start forgetting to call you...if they ever remembered in the first place. They just check your FB page, press LIKE and call that "friendship." So wrong.

If I had a dollar for every time someone very sincerely said to me, "OH. SWEETIE. I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOU NEED SUPPORT. WHAT A HORRIBLE BIRTH STORY. IT SOUNDS SO TRAUMATIC.  I WISH I COULD BE THERE WITH YOU, REALLY, SO MUCH...IF I LIVED CLOSER, I WOULD TOTALLY BE THERE TO HOLD THE BABY SO YOU CAN SHOWER...I WOULD COME OVER ALL THE TIME...ITS JUST SO FAR...AND THE TRAFFIC...AND I AM SO BUSY BUSY BUSY WITH THIS JOB...IT'S KILLING ME AND I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY BANDWIDTH FOR ANYTHING ELSE, BUT SERIOUSLY CALL ME ANYTIME YOU NEED. YOU REACH OUT TO ME THOUGH, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU. AND ALSO I ALWAYS FORGET OMG...I'M JUST SO BUSY AND DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THIS HOT GUY I JUST MET ONLINE...TEXT ME IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO THOUGH...KEEP IN TOUCH!!!"

And then... began.... the estrangement from family member after family member...one by one...no emotional safety and no loving curiosity and no compassion and neglecting to respond and wow wow wow was that super painful. What does "family" mean anyway? And where is mine? Who is my "family" and why am I all alone and bleeding? How did I get HERE. This is insanity.

Then.....discovering that my daughter's dad is "on-the-spectrum' and has very low scores for capacity for empathy. Grand! Psychopathic tendencies!!! Perfect. Add it to the list of WTF????!!!

Who is showing up to be my caretaker through the darkest moments of my life. A psychopath. Cool! I've got this. We can make this WORK! Yes?...No wonder I don't feel safe and I have no trust anymore.  I love my kid but I definitely would not have wished any of these circumstances on anyone. 

Then there's money losses.... spending my entire retirement savings on therapy and San Francisco RENTS. 

I'm telling you, friends...Life has just gotten better and better after I applied to grad school MFA programs 4 years in a row and never got in. WHAT IF I HAD GOTTEN ACCEPTED? Would I have been saved from this twist/turn of fate? Maybe....maybe not. 

Anyway. I don't act anymore. I don't even THINK about acting anymore. How can I? I can't even pay rent. All I am doing is trying to survive and give all my loving attention and good energy to my kid, so as not to mess her up too badly psychologically. I am too tired to do all the things by myself. Parent, pay the bills, clean the house, have a career, be creative, be the peacemaker in my family, make everyone else feel good about themselves and convince everyone I'm successful and happy, in spite of all the odds. NOPE. Just can't do all that stuff all at once. Fu&k having it all...what am I having? A heart attack and disappointment fest! Do all the WORK, and LIKE IT!!! lol...wait, what's the incentive? not sure. not sure. 

Anyway, then to try and give a last "hail mary" to the relationship. We tried an INTERNATIONAL MOVE...to Japan. I had never been there and do not speak Japanese. Once I got there and saw how my body/mind was responding to the circumstances I had put myself in...that's when I basically hit my rock bottom and my realization that I absolutely would destroy myself if I stayed one more minute in isolation with my kid and her dad. So we split up...I finally recognized that he met ZERO of my emotional needs and I would dry into a prune if I was to look to him for the rest of my life for a truly reciprocal loving partnership. Nope. 

There is something really relaxing about seeing...REALITY. Accept reality..."this is not working"...IS THE TRUTH.... None of this is working. 

So now....THAT's my ACCEPTANCE PROJECT. 

Be. With. What. Is. Even when "what is" IS SHIT and it feels like shit too. Accept that it's feeling like shit right now. The only way OUT is THROUGH. Feel the feels. Be with whatever emotions are there...accept it as reality and THEN acting accordingly. Accepting doesn't mean I AGREE or I'm going to WALLOW. It's just that I am RECOGNIZING, ALLOWING, INVESTIGATING and NURTURING myself. RAIN...thank you Tara Brach.

Next? Took right action. Escaped Japan. Back to CA to start new life as single parent. 

And then there was COVID-19...and the world changed. WE ALL went into "crisis mode" and I was like...wow...EVERYONE is on my wavelength now...dealing with crazy shit that they have no control over... Finally PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND AND RELATE TO MY EXPERIENCE!!!

Oddly, removing this sense of emotional isolation in the midst of physical isolation was super healing. #silverliningsofcovid #everyonesuffers #weareallinit

Then...trying to rebuild life even as the world is freaking-out and people are losing loved ones right and left...I tried to get back into the work force!!! Cut to a short stint being disillusioned in Silicon Valley/San Francisco, observing the scary-scary blind-spots in my fellow employees, the business models evil consequences and unconscious hypocrisy power-elites...that didn't last long for me. Bye-Bye California.

I have taken asylum in Utah and am living in a Mormon community. (no joke) Where I have not converted to the religion, but am super grateful for the culture of care and family and aspirations to a code of ethics that I've found here. Which has given me the safety and survival stability (and childcare) that I need to stop having anxiety attacks, no sleep from 24/7 single parenting and begin to recover from the complex ptsd from the relationship with the father of my kid. 

And what else would Virginia decide to do....once she's got at least one foot in a stable place?...WELL...apply for another program OF COURSE!!!!! Lol.

Only this education program I've chosen is one that takes anyone who signs up. NO HOOPS TO JUMP THROUGH. Perfect. My legs are fucking tired.

Tuition??? That's why we have credit cards, yes? (No financial planners have approved this message.) 

I paid and therefore was accepted. Thank you, capitalism.

Anyway, I am enrolled a 2021 student of the Applied Compassion Training Program at Stanford University's CCARE. I will be writing about my process on my PATREON page. So if you'd like to follow this next chapter of whatever this life-saga is that I am living. 

Patreon is where I will share all the truth I will be telling you about what I'm learning, every failure and everything that aligns in my favor...

I just want to have a PURPOSE in life again and HELP MYSELF to have compassion and help other PEOPLE have compassion for each other in a practical way. How to PRACTICE compassion? Practice. Practice. Practice.

I NEED COMPASSION and I make a conscious effort to give it out to others where ever I go and when I do it feels GREAT! 

But I don't get it back from people nearly enough and I IMAGINE this world would feel like a much safer place if we were all consciously aware of the advantages of exercising our compassion and curiosity muscles as much as our mouse buttons and uninformed snap-judgements.

I've been developing my empathy skills my whole freaking life in every job I've ever attempted, including training as an actor for 20+ years. Better put that training to good use in other creative ways now. Because the universe has made it clear that there are other plans for me. No one is calling me for acting jobs. Hahahahaha.

Apparently I'm supposed to be one of those "SHIT to roses" alchemists or something, in this lifetime. 

Whatever. Okay. Fine. I get it universe. Grow some spiritual depth or die? That seems harsh, but ok. I'll play this game. I know death will win eventually, but I'll get as far as I can with this compassion project as I can before I go.

COMPASSION....Here is your mission should you choose to ACCEPT it. :-)

Ugh. Fine.

FOLLOW ME HERE, IF YOU WANT MORE TORTUROUS COMPASSION TRAINING and/or enjoy reading me.

Warning: I will get really nice and meditative too, sometimes in my posts on Patreon. That's a different kind of energy than I'm bringing to you here. But that's a part of me too...the more soft and gooey side.

Also, on Patreon, I want to try to do as many audio recordings as I can to try to "unmute myself" from having a voice...since I've been too overwhelmed to speak for the past 4 years. 

RANT: I am not cut out to be a parent. It requires 110% of my energy to not go insane being a mother every day. THERE ARE NO BREAKS!!!! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR JOB IF THEY NEVER GAVE YOU ANY BREAKS AND YOUR BOSS WOKE YOU UP 4 TIMES A NIGHT FOR 3+ YEARS. Ok, so some of you have bosses like that and/or children. Then you get what I'm saying and why it's insane to expect parents to "enjoy" this experience, at least not all the time... anyway...that's the PTSD talking too...that's a place that sometimes speaks too.

Anyway. Patreon. Here. Please note: I can't write for free anymore. It's too much work and I have a kid and we need health insurance and food. So subscribing = loving and supporting our existence on the planet and keeping us out of homeless shelters and bankruptcy.

If you don't want to subscribe to this adventure, but you want to make me feel better. Send me money on Venmo....It won't make me "feel" better, actually, but it will help me feed my kid and pay the IRS. 

In fact, if you ever got any value out of any of the posts I've ever written over the UPTEEN years I was writing before my life went to shit. If my work has positively impacted your life or inspired you in some way. YOU CAN PAY ME NOW...lol 

Venmo name is @Virginia-Wilcox-5

I know this new way of supporting me monetarily must make you so excited. Yay!!!! Finally!!! "I've been wanting to pay Virginia for her writing for YEARS, but never knew how!!!!" 

Now. Is. Your. Chance!!!

Fun fact about feelings....

I have learned that no one "makes me" feel anything. I just feel stuff and have emotional reactions to things that actually have nothing to do with you.

Update posted.

Compassion? Yes. Thanks.

Love,

me

anyway

143. The Juilliard Door Closes

I did not get invited to the Final Callbacks at Juilliard.

:-(

Kathy Hood sent out an email that said that out of the 1387 people that auditioned for Juilliard this year... they asked a record number of people to stay for the End-Of-Day Callbacks during each audition day, over all of the days, this added up to 157 people in total. I was one of them.

From that group, they selected 40 people to invite to the Final Callback Weekend. (Congratulations to anyone who made it this year!) However, I was NOT one of them.

I am sad. Very sad.

I LOVED my Juilliard audition experience. It was seriously one of the best days I've had...ever.

The tough thing about these MFA auditions...at Yale, Juilliard and NYU...is that they never give you feedback on your audition. It just doesn't work that way. They never tell you why you weren't chosen...or what you could do to improve your audition for next year. 

I completely understand why they do not offer this information. It would be overwhelming to deal with those kinds of correspondences for hundreds of applicants. It's just not realistic or advantageous for the school to do that. I get it.

But the nature of this "lack-of-feedback," as to why you didn't get chosen and someone else did, can be very confusing. 

My brain naturally goes to the thought, "Is there anything that I did to sabotage myself? Is there anything I could have done to improve my chances?"

However, the conclusions that I come up with, as answers to these questions may have NOTHING to do with why I ACTUALLY wasn't chosen. So really...I just end up making myself crazy. 

This year...I am very confident that I did EVERYTHING within my power to give my best possible audition...maybe I went a little overboard, actually. 

All well. 

Ultimately, I will never know the real reason I wasn't chosen. And that's okay. I guess I don't really need to know...Because I am who I am...and I don't want to be accepted to a school where I'm not wanted. That would suck! So if I'm not wanted there for ANY reason, then it's a good thing that they've let me go on my way this year.

Is there anything I can do now to change the outcome?... Nope. What's done is done. So the only really healthy option for me is to be grateful for the opportunity that I had...and move forward with the new learning that it's given me.

What have I learned?...I am still processing that. And I am sure I will be discussing those ideas in future blog posts.

But before I wrap up this post...just wanted to share with you a few details about yesterday...

1. I think I may have checked my email every 3 minutes yesterday...Allllll day long...It was hilarious! I was totally obsessive compulsive about it...Until I finally received the email from Juilliard around 4:30pm...Then...whah-whah...sadness.

2. Also received my "official" rejection email from Yale yesterday. "Way to coordinate with Juilliard, guys! Nice timing! Double-whammy of rejection!" I mean, I knew about the Yale outcome already, but still...that was icky to have to receive both of those emails within hours of each other. It was as if the Universe was teasing me..."No, MFA for you, Wilcox...It doesn't matter how much you care about this...or how close you come...You ain't never gonna get it...So let me just confirm your inadequacy by these "official" rejection letters in your inbox." Thanks, Universe...I know you know what's best for me and I don't, but...the mocking? Is that really necessary? Ugh. Bleh!

3. I got "the email" while I was at work. I was proud of myself...because I didn't cry. In fact, I'll bet my bosses had nooooo idea that anything out of the ordinary was happening for me. I am a professional. I do not share my personal drama at work.

4. After work, however, I made a phone call to my teacher and friend (also the person that wrote my recommendation letter for Juilliard) Mr. Robert Parsons. I left him a voice mail telling him about my disappointment at not making it to Final Callbacks at Juilliard this year. He called me back later, but I couldn't answer at that time, so he left me a voice mail in response...I have included it below...If I could figure out how to export the voice mail from my phone, I'd put it on the blog for you guys to listen to, but since I am not that technically saavy I've just typed it. (I hope you don't mind my sharing this with everybody, Bob!) His words meant a lot to me and are a great comfort.

Feb. 17, 2012, voice mail from my teacher, Robert Parsons:

"Hey, Virginia...It's Bob calling...Oooooh, boy...Got your message...and ahh,...I'm really, really sorry. I'm so, so sorry...that you didn't get called back...and I am also really, really surprised. I thought you definitely were...were IN this time. But, uh, regardless, it certainly does not diminish your brilliance, because you are... you're just, you're f*#king brilliant. I mean, reading your blog and just the way you think through these things and I know it leaks into your work as well,...so nobody can take that away from you no matter what obstacles appear. And though it's not Juilliard this year and it's not Yale this year...but, I guess NYU is still a possibility, so hold on to that one...But I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and I feel like, you know, whatever this means...it's just gonna make you stronger, ultimately, and...yeah, something good is gonna come for you, at some point, whether it's this year or whenever...It's gonna happen, so just hang in there. And I think a lot of people are behind you and rooting for you, so keep it rollin' girl!...Um, I'll try and get back to you or you call me. I've got a show tonight...But if you feel like calling, I should be around. Alright, you take care. Bye."

THAT's when I finally cried...Listening to Bob's voice mail...Standing on the corner of 37th Street and Broadway in Astoria. (Why wait until you get to the privacy of your own apartment to lose your s#*t, when you can do it standing on a street corner in full view of the passing public? LOL! Ridiculous me.) Thank you, Bob, for your compassionate words! It feels good to know that you believe in me...even though...even though...I didn't get in to Juilliard.

Anyway, yesterday wasn't allll tears and disappointment...I joyfully reconnected with my friend Jordan last night. He just moved to NY recently. We had a nice sushi dinner and had a blast at the Astoria Art House Salon...where I got to sing a couple of songs and Jordan played the piano. It was lovely. So the day certainly ended on a positive note.

And, yes...I am still in-the-running at NYU...but I am feeling like...I don't know...like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? At this point, I'm kind-of anticipating the rejection letter from them too...'cause...I can't even make it to NYU's Callback Weekend even if they do invite me.

Sooo maybe this really isn't going to be "my year" for grad school acceptance after all.

Still...I'm going to complete this Acceptance Project...in the best way I know how. So gonna keep on blogging until April 1st, as promised, and I am excited about it too, because I've still got some cool posts hiding up my sleeve for you all to look forward to...a couple of interviews waiting in the cue...and some other fun surprises in store...So it ain't over yet!

Don't worry about me. I haven't lost hope entirely.

Maybe I'll try for Juilliard again next year...Got really close!...I don't know yet. We'll see.

The door at Juilliard has closed for 2012...but there's gotta be a window in here somewhere...

:-)

Loves,

Virginia

P.S. If anyone who has been invited to the Juilliard Callback Weekend would like to write a guest post for the blog, even if it's anonymous, I'd love for you to contact me and we can discuss! Email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. Best wishes and break legs!

87. Victimization Antitoxin

"A problem well stated is a problem half solved." - Charles F. Kettering, inventor & engineer (1876 - 1958)

Ok... Here's my problem...

People sometimes do or say things that I don't like... That affect my life in a negative way... Or upset me... Or hurt my feelings... Or cause me frustration or discomfort.

And my reaction? Well... what I want to do naturally and what is easiest to do in my head...is VILLAINIZE them. They are the "bad" guy and I am the "good" guy. And if I can just DESTROY them, then I will WIN.

This is my EGO talking.

Now, when I'm in touch with my own true spirit...(and reality)...I realize that I don't actually want to destroy anyone. What I really want... and my real problem to solve is...How do I get back to feeling GOOD again about my relationship with that person?

That is a problem well-stated.

I know I have the ability to choose to be the bigger person and start us on the road to relationship recovery... or I can choose to feed the fire of discontentment and play games and get wrapped up in the drama of it all and be a martyr and wallow in my warm and cozy victimhood. This is my choice.

Though the task of neutralizing negative issues with people can be daunting and sometimes down right terrifying. When I am able to approach them with a truely loving attitude, I always feel better about it in the end...even if they totally don't get it and blow me off... at least I tried.

We've all got our bad days...Let's have compassion for one another and walk a mile in the other person's shoes before we start painting pictures of them in our minds...with evil grins and curly handle-bar mustaches.

Don't make yourself into a victim.

You do have the power to turn $*^t into roses.

Be brave. Be the one to make the first move toward reconciliation.

Forgiveness is cool.

Loves,
V


P.S.
As I was looking for quotes to include in this blog post, I realized that there were toooooo many good ones to limit it to just one or two. I have been contemplating how to better handle my frustrations with people for quite some time apparently... because, as you will see, the quotes I've amassed on this subject are numerous. Hope you enjoy them and you find one or two that hit close to home.

Readaquoteaboudit...

"Misunderstandings and neglect occasion more mischief in the world than even malice and wickedness." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, poet, dramatist, novelist, philosopher (1749 - 1832)

"If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" - Alexander Solzhenitsyn, novelist, Nobel laureate (1918-2008)

"You can always see the little girl or little boy in another, if you but look. And then how you can see that the mask they sometimes wear isn't to inspire your fear, but to hide their own." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

"If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner." - Nelson Mandela, activist, Nobel Peace Prize winner, South African President

"Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; and where there is no talebearer, strife ceases." - Proverbs 26:20

"Stop trying to control others and focus instead on being kind to them." - Leo Babauta, Zen Habits

"When someone behaves poorly, it's always because they've forgotten how powerful they really are." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

"Relationships: A good practice is to imagine that you are fully supporting another person in manifesting their intention. Gift them with their true desire. Then imagine that others are connecting with you in the same way; gifting you with your intention and cooperatively supporting you to have what you want." - Lena Stevens,  The Power Path

"If something is not working, don't take it personally. Examine the situation for lessons and ask how you can be more cooperative in order to shift things. Stay out of martyrdom as much as possible and always take a proactive position." - Lena Stevens,  The Power Path

"You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough people get what they want." - Zig Ziglar

"Cut people slack...Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some situation they find themselves in. Forbearance is a form of generosity." - Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

"Being fair and reasonable will earn you respect and admiration, but being genuinely kind will make you a total love magnet." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

"I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank (1929-1945)