Showing posts with label Failing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Failing. Show all posts

Monday, March 26, 2012

175. Interview with Jeremy Rishe (NYU) - Part Three (We Are All Hypocrites)

More...mOrE...MORE on NYU Grad Acting, getting feedback from the universe, and the ultimate First World Problem: HYPOCRISY.

This post is a continuation of the fantabulous interview that was conducted at Park Ave Plaza, NYC on February 3, 2012.



The one...the only...Jeremy Rishe.

Jeremy: There was one time in the movement class [at NYU] when we went on and on for like 15 minutes, and finally the teacher was like, "I’m just going to stop you because this is clearly not going anywhere." Because we couldn’t agree on anything.

And I really think having those experiences of bumping heads, being too polite, not being polite enough, saying no,...failing and not failing. It really led me to a place where I feel very confident that I know how to collaborate. And I think that’s the key to doing something very interesting...collaborating.

I’m not confident enough to sit down, write something, give it to a bunch of people and say, this is what it is going to be, and it’s going to be awesome because I wrote it. This is not how I work. Some do that work that way, but I know that if I’m with the right group of people, it’s going to be good.

So I think it’s really about finding the right group of people and learning how to collaborate. And I really think NYU taught what it is to collaborate. It sharpened my creative intuition in a way. I know the type of people that I want to collaborate with. There are people that have no artistic aesthetic, or their sense of what is quality is very different than mine. And I just don’t want to work with those people. They may go off and do something with their group of friends that is awesome, but it’s not what I want to do.

So I do feel, yes, that I actually have a skill set that has trained me to find the right people, to know how to work with them, know how to create something that is at least interesting to us, and that’s kind of all you’ve got to do to win, I think, is create something that you want to be a part of and you want to see.

And if other people want to see it – I have no control over whether they want to see it. I’d like to think if I know that I’m doing something I know if it is good or not, and maybe I’m fooling myself. So, yes, I know it sounds arrogant, maybe, to say, yes, I do feel like I could create something that is good. Whether anybody else thinks it’s good or chooses to watch it is up to them. But for my aesthetic, yes.

Virginia: But I think it’s great because... what I’m getting from what you’re saying – correct me if I’m wrong – is that you’re coming from a position of power in creating your own work and going, "You know what? Hey I have a point of view, and this is what I want to show."

Jeremy: It’s not an egoic, "Yes, I know"...It’s a self – what’s the word?

Virginia: It’s a self-knowing.

Jeremy: Self-knowing.

Virginia: You know yourself well enough to know what you do well. And you don’t have to do everything well, but these are the things YOU DO WELL and that you enjoy doing.

Jeremy: Yes.

Virginia: I feel like a lot of times as actors, we spend a lot of time figuring out what other people want us to be rather than thinking about who WE WANT TO BE for the world.

Jeremy: I feel empowered enough to say, "This is who I am, take me or leave me." You know?

Virginia: Yes. Yes.

Jeremy: Which I think you have to be as an artist. You have to be like, "You like it or you don’t.... Fuck it. I don’t give a shit. I’m doing it for me anyway."

Virginia: Something else I want to talk about is...diversifying your career. On your website, I saw on your resume that you’ve done T.V. and film and obviously you love theatre, now you’re doing this web series, ... you also do voiceover too. How important do you think that it is as an actor nowadays to be able to do all that stuff?

Jeremy: I think that’s kind of what it is to be an actor. I mean, acting, at the end of the day, to me, is just pretending to be something you’re not. And whatever form that takes, that’s the form it takes. It’s weird 'cause in the last three years, the more I empower myself, the more I realize what I really want to do – at the heart of it – I really want to refine my craft as an actor INTO INFINITY.

There was this thing in Newsweek. It talked about how to be smart...whatever. And it talked about if you always read the New York Times, or read the Wall Street Journal, you know...It listed of all these -- like telling you if you play video games it’s good for blah, blah, blah. Do this or that. Blog. Learn a second language. Play an instrument. All these things. One of the things it said was... master something.

Master one thing.

You know, you could do all this other shit...but find one thing that you’re going to MASTER. You know, it could be anything...business, law. So I’m like, "Oh, I’m doing most of these things"...minus – I need to get Rosetta Stone....But yes, I think all these things, they’re like little sandboxes, little tools for the actor like, you know, practicing voiceover stuff, doing a play, working in front of a camera. Which is no different, in my opinion, whether it’s the web or T.V. You know, a camera is a camera is a camera. The size of the screen might change. Whether it’s sitting around reading Shakespeare with your friends, It’s doing anything, anything you can, just to like keep refining that muscle.

It’s a craft. It’s like building a house. It’s a skill like anything else. You know, if you want to know how to juggle, you’re going to have to practice how to juggle. If you want to build houses, you’re going to have to study engineering and physics and practice building. You’re probably going to want to get a hammer and a nail and some wood and practice building stuff.

Virginia: So how do you deal with it when you’re not good at it? You know, obviously when you first started you weren't so sure...Maybe it's your first time in the voiceover booth and you’ve got the headphones on and it’s weird to hear your own voice. And then suddenly you’re at an audition and you’ve got the copy and you’re like, "Whoa, I’m trying to pretend like maybe I know this better than I actually do --"

Jeremy: You just said it right there. How do you deal with it? You pretend. You pretend like you know exactly what you’re doing and you just keep doing it. 'Cause acting is just pretending, and I think the key is just to keep doing it. Like really just to KEEP DOING IT. And who cares if you’re in the booth and you’re like, "This sounds like shit."  Someone’s going to say something. They’re not going to say, "You sound like shit."  They’re going to give you a note to make you sound better or they’re not. I don’t know. They may or may not.

But just by virtue of doing it, you’re going to start getting feedback from the universe. And it’s not necessarily going to be feedback like someone’s instructing you... “All right you need to underline these.” However, you figure out how to do it.

The feedback will start to come. And feedback will come in really weird places just by doing it. Like it will come from your head because you look at that bar and you’re like... "Ugh, I need to be smooth like the metal."...Or a friend is going to say something to someone else, or you’re going to hear a conversation on the subway, and you’re going to be like “That’s exactly what I needed to hear about voiceover work!” or whatever it is. You know?

Virginia: Yeah.

Jeremy: Because something someone once said to me,....I went into a voiceover audition -- it’s like my first one – I’ve auditioned for like three voiceover things in my life. And I’d actually put together my own little voiceover demo. And I was always like voiceover, voiceover, and everyone’s like well, try, but it’s a really small community. So I went in for this book on tape, and something the woman said was that it's a misconception that people say you have to talk really intimate. But actually it’s more like theatre. Like the more animated you are with your body, the better it’s going to be. I’m very monotone so I want to be more like [makes a large gesture] so your mom doesn’t have to get bored listening to my monotone voice. [laughs]

So last week, a friend of mine who directed a film that I was in – same thing – I didn’t have to audition. He was just like, “Let’s make a movie!”....We were doing ADR work which is when you have to rerecord the dialogue cause it was scratchy. And that’s kind of like doing voiceover work only you’re voicing over your voice to your face.  'Cause more often than not I’d say something and they’d be like “louder, louder.” 'Cause when you’re trying to be louder, you’re going to be more animated. Whereas if you’re trying to match to the image on the screen, it’s going to sound flat. The reality is... in the moment you’re actually allowing yourself to be very expressive.

Although, there’s this weird thing in T.V. and in film now. I think it happens more on T.V. where everybody mumbles and everybody talks real quiet. I’m like, "You don’t need that."  'Cause if you watch older movies, watch old actors who we think are great like... I’m talking about people from like the70s, like Al Pacino. Oh, my God, who’s the guy – who’s in The Apartment? Jack Lemmon. Watch those great actors. They might as well be on a stage. They’re not dumbing it down for the camera. My point is that there is something about acting that’s a little bit larger than life no matter what the context is....Even if it's in front of a camera or just your voice....you're on a stage, obviously.

Virginia: So you feel like the tools that you’ve learned at NYU helped you to be able to translate your acting into any medium?

Jeremy: Yeah, I do. And I think there’s just...confidence, sheer confidence. That’s a big thing. It really boosted my confidence... Somewhere in my mind, I walk into any audition in any room in any reading, part of me is like, you fuckers have no idea what I know. Whether that’s true or not –

Virginia: Right. Well, you spent three years --

Jeremy: -- three years in acting bootcamp.

Virginia: Intense. Yes. I must say, after going to the alumni talkbacks at NYU that first year [2010] where we met, that confidence of everybody up on the stage even though everybody was at different points in their career -- certainly some people had different showcase experiences so on and so forth. But everybody was super confident in the fact that they had something to give, something to contribute to the industry, and they were completely unapologetic about it. And I feel like a lot of students in the room who were there looking to further their training, were inspired by that very thing. Whether they maybe caught it or not, it’s like, "Oh, my gosh, these NYU actors look like they know what they’re doing. And man, I want to know what I’m doing, too!"

That was something that really shows the strength of the training there. Confidence. Everybody comes out of there being like, “Fuck yeah, give me your script. I’ll take it to the Oscars for you.”

Jeremy: Yeah, absolutely.

Virginia: Also, on a side note, which is your favorite First World Problem webisode? Obviously, you’ve got a million, but what's your current fave?

Jeremy: My current fave. Well, we shot one we call The Party, but it’s not out yet.

[OH, BUT IT'S OUT NOW...SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE CHANNEL AND GAIN ACCESS TO THIS EXCLUSIVE FULL-LENGTH EPISODE!!!]

Jeremy:  I also like the Meetup: Citizens For Compromise playlist [sneak peak...only available through Apr 3!]...It gets really political, and that’s kind of what we want to do...We want to get a little political.

We want to like take the veil off the idiocy of our country right now... And personally, I think we make our characters look like complete morons.

Virginia: You mean you’re not REALLY complete morons? [laughs]

Jeremy: We’re trying to take on the whole political establishment...not just liberals, not just conservatives. To me, it feels like these characters are liberal-minded people, and so, here they are...you know, bashing Republicans; but at the same time, if people are looking at it the way I look at it, then they’re listening to these idiot liberals who are total morons and sounding like assholes....So, you know, that’s why I like that one.

Virginia: I feel like you guys are really good at exposing hypocrisy. You don't TELL people about it, you SHOW it.

Jeremy: That’s good. I like that. We’re taking on a lot of hypocrisy. We end up going into slavery. It wasn’t even planned that we went that way, but – it ends on a slavery note....and the same idea: hypocrisy. People trying to do one thing but then actually doing another.

Virginia: When you guys are filming a webisode, do you start with a script or an outline? 'Cause it seems to be very improvisational from what I’ve watched, but I can't quite tell.

Jeremy: We started with a bunch of short scripts that were kind of like – they weren’t sketches...they were very brief snippets that were dealing with this issue of hypocrisy, I guess you could say. And then from there, we kind of put down the scripts, and our brains started to work more towards connecting story line dots combined with this feeling of “we’re all fucking hypocrites.” ... Wake up world. Wake up America.

I think it’s uniquely a first world problem that we’re all actually hypocrites. We say one thing, and then we go home and we’re like funneling all our money through Chase even though we’re like, “Down with the banks!”

Virginia: Our actions are not following our values.

Jeremy: Right. And so...the thread of it is trying to connect the storyline dots. "Okay, so these characters meet this way. These characters are going to get divorced. These characters are going to court." And then the dialogue is all improvised, and we riff a lot. There’s a few things a few times where we script things...There were very specific plot points where we would give people a script and say, “All right, say something like this, but make it your own.” It’s kind of a mix. But the majority of it is improvisation around a very solid idea of what we want to say and of what event needs to occur to connect this episode to another one, if that makes any sense at all.

Virginia: Yes. It does.

Jeremy: It makes sense to me.

Virginia: Yikes! We’re running out of time... Let me just ask one more grad school related question... What do you think is the best reason to go to a master’s program and what you think is the worst reason?

Jeremy: I think the best reason to get your master’s degree in acting is because you have to be an actor. Something in you is telling you that YOU HAVE TO DO THIS and there’s no other choice...combined with wanting to be a good person. Because I think that’s really at the heart of actor training.

I think the heart of any art form is about opening yourself up to humanity and embracing the world. And I think that’s kind of the same thing. It’s on you and on the program.

Are you going to go to a place that is not only going to help you become a better actor, but also help you to become a good person and to be ready to represent humanity as you see it? And I think if that’s your calling, then you should do that.

I think the worst reason to go would be – I don’t know – I think the worst reason to go would be because – because someone else told you SHOULD. That would be the worst. What a waste of money and time! “You should go to grad school."  "But I don’t want to, but they said I should." You know?

Virginia: Yes. That’s a great answer. 'Cause I feel like that’s very common. ...Time is up. Wow. Thank you, sir, for meeting with me, sharing your experiences and speaking so freely about your work.

Jeremy: Thank you.

Virginia: I am done with you. [laughs.]

Jeremy: I feel so privileged that you asked me to be a part of this.

:-)

<End of Recording>

(Awwww....Seeeeriously, Jeremy...It is I who am privileged to get to have an excuse to sit down and ask you allllll the questions I want to....all in the name of my blog! Whah ha ha ha ha!!!!...Cannot wait to see more First World Problem...exposing the hypocrisy of America...Stan and Annie style.)

Loves,
V

P.S. Now here's a monologue for you... I can tooooootally relate to his First World Problem...Only, instead of that whole bit about the "restaurant"...insert the words "get me into f-ing grad school already."

Sunday, March 11, 2012

162. Interview with Bryce Pinkham (Yale) - Part Three

"Some actors just have an inherent star quality. When I'm watching an audition, I think, "Is that actor going to make me stop flipping through channels?" Basically, someone who has immense watchablility in combination with acting ability and confidence. The truth of it is, when producers and networks set out to cast a show, there's always a bit of insecurity about being able to find the right person. I believe part of the actor's job is to show us his or her confidence in doing the role." - Marcia Shulman, Casting Director

(This is PART THREE of the interview with Yale graduate Bryce Pinkham. Click HERE to read PART ONE and HERE to read PART TWO. This interview was conducted at Cellini Restaurant on E. 54th St. in New York City on January 6, 2012, and was lovingly transcribed by my mother, Dorothy Wilcox. Thanks, MOM!)


(Bryce Pinkham...on Bway in Ghost:The Musical.)

Virginia: So at this point in your career, you’ve gotten the chance to work with a lot of great people on different projects, at school and outside of school. And how much do you feel that this idea of embracing failure or leaning into fear, rather than pushing away from it,.... you know, that kind of an attitude, is a factor in being successful in a career as an actor?

Bryce: I think it works differently for different people. But I think any actor that you respect as an artist would be able to rattle off numerous times that they were terrible or felt like a failure. I think that it’s inherent in the attempt. And I think for people who can’t admit that or those that fail to rearrange their relationship or value towards failure, that it can be difficult because – listen, we talked about auditioning. We fail 90% of the time by the numbers. I don’t even know what the numbers are – one out of ten, who knows? I’ve failed more times than jobs that I’ve had. The entire number of jobs that I’ve had in three years out of grad school, it doesn’t match up to the number of jobs that I’ve failed to get in one year. So, you know, proportionately it makes sense to make friends with that part of the job. And I think there are plenty of people who do it and do it well. So it relaxes you. A lot of this stuff you learn in grad school, it relaxes you so that you can allow your most honest moments to come up and come out and so that you can express something unique as opposed to shaping something that you think is what the audience or the director or your scene partner wants to see in you.

So I think rearranging you position on failure relaxes you because you realize it’s inevitable. So you don’t have to wait and say, "Well, what if this is the one where I fail?" Well, chances are I will, so why don’t I just enjoy the pursuit and also do the thing I really want to do. What’s the thing in this audition or in this performance of a character that excites me, that I want to work on, that I want to explore as an artist? Because in the end, you know, that’s what you get out of it...

And truth be told -- in certain situations failure is not an option, right? I mean, there are different levels of it. I’m not saying it’s okay to go out on a Broadway stage and suck. But it’s okay to out on a Broadway AUDITION and suck and say, "That was terrible, wasn’t it, can I try again? ‘Cause I know I can do it better than that. That was just messy."  So there’s a difference, to be clear.

Virginia: I was reading a blog from this great blogger that I really enjoy, Seth Godin. He’s really into business and marketing and things like that, you know, entrepreneurialism and the tech world. And you know, those startups fail all the time. People start a new business and it fails and they learn from it and they go on and start a different one and it fails. So it’s very similar to the acting world in the way, that you know you're going in with this idea, this dream, this vision of what you want to create and you have to get other people on board with it and sometimes it’s awesome and sometimes it’s terrible. You know, we as artists have to do that all the time...get these people on board. And Seth was talking about, in one of his blogs, the difference between mistakes and failure. He’s like, you want to avoid mistakes and you want to embrace failure. I think in our work as actors, you want to walk into an audition trying to avoid the mistakes.... but big-time embracing the failure... because that’s the thing that’s going to help you to succeed – I love what you said about bringing that uniqueness to it. You’re not there to get it RIGHT. You’re there to bring whatever it is that you feel that you can uniquely bring to that job. And if you’re so busy trying to get it "right" that you don’t bring that uniqueness... then, you know, that’s a MISTAKE.

Bryce: Well, as it relates to grad school auditions, I think if you try, as I said, embracing the ridiculousness of the whole thing, if you take a minute and think, okay, Yale sees this many auditions a year and this is the number that they take, these are my odds. If you really take that seriously, you probably wouldn’t even walk in the room. And it’s the reason that half the people that do walk in the rooms are not interesting the minute they walk in because they’re already apologizing for the fact that they don’t think they’re right, or they don’t think they’re what the school is looking for...as opposed to people who walk in and say, well, I may go down but I’m going to go down in flames. That’s not from me. That’s from a teacher of mine who said that to us, I think, on our first day of grad school. He said, "You’re going to go down, but it’s your choice whether or not to go down in flames."  So I try to do that as much as I can bear.

Virginia: So you try to go down in flames as often as possible?  :)

Bryce: If I’m going down, yes. I say if I’m going to make a choice that could be "wrong" or "not what they’re looking for," at least it’s going to be a strong choice. It’s going to be a BOLD choice. I’m not going to hint at making a choice. I’m going to make it, and then if they say, "You know what, that was not really what we were looking for. Could you try this?" I’m going to say, "Absolutely. Sure. Let me just ditch that terrible choice that I made and then I’d be happy to do whatever you’d like."

This is something else for auditioning I try to embody... This is something I learned I think from Joanna Merlin’s book about auditioning way back in undergrad. I read about treating the audition as if it is actually a party that you’re hosting and everyone there is looking to you for their enjoyment, but you’re also a little bit in charge, not even a little bit, YOU'RE IN CHARGE. The minute you walk into the room you say, "Oh thank you for all joining me at my party, and what can I get you? Would you like a song first? Would you like me to do a scene that I’ve prepared for you first? Oh, you would? Excellent choice. I’ve prepared this beautiful little cake of a scene and you can have a piece now. There’s more of it if you’d like, but please don’t feel you have to eat it all. I’ve also got a song, if you’d like to hear that. I’m very proud of it."  And even the best party hosts [have bad days], maybe the cake is burned and the punch is, you know, bad... But the way they present it is half the battle, I think. I always tell people when I’m coaching them for specific auditions, not necessarily for grad school but for more professional stuff, you don’t have to get out of the room right away. Nobody leaves their own party until they're done. I’m not saying... refuse to leave. But what I’m saying is... you don’t have to finish, [speaks very quickly] okay, thank you so much for seeing me. I’m outta here! [slows down, speaking pleasantly, calmly] Thank you so much. Can I get you anything else?...It’s just a different sort of –

Virginia: -- attitude.

Bryce: -- yeah, it’s a different way of approaching the entire thing. And it’s also a way of approaching people when you show up. TAKE YOUR TIME.... I mean, I take my time, and I say hi to everybody in the room. I look them in the eyes. I say hello. Or if it feels like it’s something that’s moving along, I try not to overstay my welcome. But I try not to let people rush me.

Virginia: Right. It’s your moment.

Bryce: Right. I prepared. I spent hours out of my precious time preparing for this. And whether or not you’ve already decided that I’m not the one for this part, that’s fine. That’s you. But for me, I’ve prepared the song, and I’m going to sing it. If you want to stop me in the middle of it, I’m fine with that because "I’m the party host," and I say, "Oh, sure, I’m sorry that was not exactly what you were hoping for. But my intent is that you’re going to eat all of the cake, and you’re going to love it... ‘cause I took time to make it."

Virginia: I love that.

Bryce: And I’m proud of that cake I made... That’s the other thing I always tell people, and this is important in the clown work– and I think I‘ve told you this before – in choosing material, never bring something into the room that you’re not proud of because we can tell. Even if it’s the mangiest little gift, you know, the little burned cake... But if you made it yourself and it’s one you’re proud of, it’s one YOU LIKE, it’s going to taste that much better to us, rather than the one you bought at Whole Foods... And it’s going to mean that much more to us, that you brought it and you thought about it. "I bet they’d really like this special nut cake. I’m not exactly sure how to do it, but I’m going to try."  As opposed to, "Well, I could just pick up an ice cream cake at Baskin Robbins." -- to put in a youthful reference, 31 Flavors.

Virginia: Nice.

Bryce: So yeah, I hope that’s helpful.

Virginia: Oh, my gosh, that’s fantastic!...This is just a fun little question not really related to grad school. What advice would you give to your 16-year-old self if you could send yourself a little note back in time?

Bryce: Stretch, start stretching, stretch.

Virginia: Like physically stretching?

Bryce: Stretch yourself every day. I hated stretching. I was an athlete and I just hated warming up. And I hated stretching. And I would go back, and I would really slap myself around and I would say–

Virginia: Learn to love it.

Bryce: Yeah, learn to love it. Get used to the pleasure/pain of it and stretch yourself. I would also tell myself to learn piano. Yeah, I mean, there are technical things like that.... Hmmm, 16.... I’m trying to think of advice or criticism....I’m pretty happy with where 16-year-old me got me, so I wouldn’t want him to do anything that much different.

Virginia: Well, there ya go!

Bryce: Other than... not worry maybe so much about it. There’s a healthy amount of worry and then there’s an unhealthy amount...When you get in to "living in the details" as opposed to seeing a slightly bigger picture...Which is what I still say that to my 29-year-old self right now.

Virginia: Right.

Bryce: You know, sometimes you have to really marvel at the fact that we’re even able to do something as ridiculous as follow a dream like this. There are people in our world that... it’s just inconceivable to them. You have to remind yourself of that. Even when it’s not working out, it’s a privilege to even get to TRY and to have the means and the support from family and friends and everything. To be able to do it, you know what I mean?

Virginia: Yes!  <3

Bryce: I would say,... You know what? BE HUMBLE... because the fact that you’re even thinking about going to college is a big deal. That’s a BIG DEAL, going to college. Families go whole generations without sending somebody to college, so take none of it lightly.

:-)

(More to come...tomorrow. Hope you're enjoying the conversation!)

Loves,
V

"Stretch, stretch, stretch to see every perspective and nothing will keep you from joy." - Mike Dooley

Saturday, March 10, 2012

161. Interview with Bryce Pinkham (Yale) - Part Two

"The potential not just for failure, but failure that matters, failure you feel, must be on the table. If it's not, then what you're setting out to do is either so safe or so devoid of the potential for impact that success might allow you to check a box on a piece of paper, but beyond that, nobody'll care. Including you...The same circumstance that presents the potential to fail also serves as a gateway to the opportunity to succeed. You cannot close the door on the former, without also closing the door on the latter." - Jonathan Fields

(This is PART TWO of the interview with Yale graduate Bryce Pinkham. Click HERE to read PART ONE. This interview was conducted at Cellini Restaurant on E. 54th St. in New York City on January 6, 2012, and was lovingly transcribed by my mother, Dorothy Wilcox. Thanks, MOM!)

(Yup. Still talking to THIS GUY...Currently starring in Ghost: The Musical on Bway.)

Virginia: Anyway, let’s get to grad school because, you know, that’s what it’s about, allllll about grad school. I have my notes highlighted here.

Bryce: Okay, good, good.

Virginia: Okay, so we’re gonna just throw something out here and see where it goes. So, okay, first question: What do you think are three great reasons to attend grad school, if somebody’s considering, you know, attending grad school?

Bryce: I would say, go to grad school if you have yet to have had the opportunity to explore the depth of your own instrument in an environment that feels safe to do so. For me, I felt like I got to do a lot of stuff in undergrad. I got to perform a lot, which was great. But I wasn’t continually challenged in a way that I felt like I knew exactly what I was working with even as an actor. I didn’t know the sum total of what I could do. I still don’t. But now I know that it’s fun to find out, and I know a little about how to explore it, go after it, and what it feels like when it’s not right...

So I’d say, one, if you feel like you want to further expand yourself as an artist; two, if you want to experience failure. I guess those are similar things, but I went because I wanted – because I hadn’t failed yet. I really hadn’t....I don’t mean that in an egotistical way. I mean that the environment I was in was very supportive, and so it was like no matter what we did, it was awesome -- because it was. But in grad school, it’s a more critical -- in a good way – environment. And it’s more professionally minded. These schools get people trained and prepared for careers as professional actors.

And the last thing I would say is... go to grad school if you feel like making an investment in a long-term vision.

And the opposite of that is... I always tell people...don’t go to grad school to get an agent; don’t go to grad school so that you can say you went to the same school that a famous actor went to; don’t go to grad school for the resume. Go to grad school if you are interested in making a short term investment in a long-term goal.

I know that jives earlier with what I said earlier about I’m giving myself five years. But I think that’s probably one of the mind tricks I play with myself... well, it’s only five years. But, grad school  – don’t expect it to be an instant payoff. It’s for the type of people who are willing to audition for three years in a row to get into it, or four or five or however many....So it’s not for people who think it might be fun. It’s an entire overtaking of your life for three years – it really is.

Virginia: That’s funny. My next question was going to be, what are the three reasons NOT to go to grad school.  So thank you for answering that and reading my mind.

Bryce: Did I say three?

Virginia: You did actually. I think you said exactly three... Only the transcript will tell... So what schools did you choose when you were auditioning for grad school?

Bryce: I said if I’m going to go to grad school and spend my own money, potentially a lot of it, that I want to go to one of the top schools, what I understand being one of the top schools because there are a lot out there.  So I auditioned for Yale and NYU, UCSD, ACT, and ART – because I was in Boston at the time. If I had known a little more, I probably would have auditioned for Juilliard and the Denver Center as well. So I auditioned for Yale in New Haven, at the school, and the rest I auditioned for in New York at NYU. I lumped together as many together in one day as I could. I did three on one day, Yale the next day and then – actually I think I missed my ART audition and had to go into ART -- their auditions in Boston – later.

Virginia: That is insane. Having gone through grad school auditions the past two years, I cannot even imagine doing three in one day. That just seems crazy.

Bryce: It was intense, but at the same time it was helpful because – and I think the third one I actually got into was ACT. And I think because I had just been like sort of pumelled around a little bit, and I felt like I know what this is and I know what to expect from this now, and I’ll just go do it.

Virginia: So how far did you get at each of the schools?

Bryce: NYU, I don’t think they wanted anything to do with me, nor UCSD. And then ACT, ART and Yale all accepted me.

Virginia: Wow. And that was your first year; right?

Bryce: That was my first year, yeah.

Virginia: You were still in undergrad at the time?

Bryce: Yeah. I was a senior in college. It was not my intention to go to grad school the next year. I sort of came to the idea late, and I thought -- you know, when you’re a senior in college, it‘s like there’s so much stuff going on, and you – you know, I was writing a thesis at the time. It was like I’m just going to do this... and I made it my goal to make an impression at each school. That’s where I was capping my goal, so that I took the pressure off myself to get into the "Yale School of Drama." So that’s why three in one day. I was like, well, I’ll just get them out of the way. And I think it really helped me in retrospect because I wasn’t sure that I wanted to do it actually, to be perfectly honest. I am now one of those people that says "Don’t do it unless you really want to." But I think it helped me not think about it in such grand terms. And then when I got in, I was like... okay, well, I guess now I really have to choose, and I did.

Virginia: It’s interesting... in our conversation you’ve mentioned a few of these little mind tricks that you play with yourself where you – and correct me if I’m not reflecting this back accurately – but, you know, it’s like you almost sense that if you think about it a certain way it’s going to cause you anxiety and so you choose to think about it in a way that will lessen that pressure for you.

Bryce: Yeah, you’re right. I do do those things. I would say – I would call it less of a trick and more of just a readjustment of value.

Virginia: Reframing the idea for yourself?

Bryce: Yeah, I mean – I’m trying to think of a good example. Well, it’s about reframing, and it’s also about panning out and taking perspective on a given situation, which happens to me a lot at auditions when, you know, I know I’m going in for a third call back for something and expecting that the entire producing team is going to be in there. It’s not just the casting director and the reader, it’s twelve to fifteen to twenty people. And it’s in one of these studios that has these giant windows. It’s like the back drop of Smash. It’s one of these studios in Times Square. You’re auditioning in one of these rooms for 15 or 20 minutes. And that instantly gets me nervous. It gets me nervous just talking about it. But if I can force myself to pan out from that and say, "Look at yourself, you’re auditioning in New York for whatever Broadway or Off Broadway, for a part in a professional play, musical or whatever, and all these people are here to see you do an amazing job and get the job." And if you can stay in touch with that little kid that looks at that and says are you serious? I’m doing what? Then you can go back to the room and just enjoy the fact that you’re there to start, and not worry about, well, am I going to get everything right, cause you’re never going to get it all right. You’re never going to get it all right in the audition room...

But what you can do is make a good impression. And so I try to give myself that promise. I try to say, don’t worry about all that other stuff. You’re not going to get it all right, so I can just admit that to myself. Today is not the day you get it right.

Virginia: Right.

Bryce: And they all know that, too. They’re not expecting you to get it right. They’re just expecting you to do something that can help them imagine you getting it right on opening night after you’ve had months and months or maybe just weeks of rehearsal.

And same with the grad school auditions – I’ll talk about this now. They’re not looking for an actor that looks just like an actor that came out of the Yale School of Drama. They’re looking for an actor that they’ll think, "Okay, I think this would be really beneficial to have this person in our midst because there’s a lot of room for growth, there’s a passion for the journey, but there’s also a levity about the entire thing."

The other thing I say to myself a lot in the auditions is... "This is ridiculous!"... I mean, let’s call a spade a garden tool. This is RIDICULOUS what you’re asking me to do... come in a small room, maybe a big room, and sing a song that I learned last night because you didn’t get the material until then. You guys, you know, were up late talking about other things. You don’t remember my name, but we know each other. I’m going to sing a song for you that I don’t know. I’m going to pretend that I know it well, and then I’m going to hold these pages with words on them. I’m going to pretend that I memorized them, but I really just had the time to look at them on the train. And at the end of that, you’re going to decide whether or not you want me to have your job. There’s an inherent ridiculousness. They're sitting behind the table taking notes. It’s just ridiculous. But if you can play the game, and at the same time recognize it for what it is, I think you’ll help yourself a lot.

Virginia: That’s great. That’s like solid gold advice!... Okay, so you were talking about grad school stretching you. That being one of the main reasons that you went, to have that experience of failing. So can you share a specific example of something you felt like you failed at so colossally and you learned a lot from it and grew as a result of it?

Bryce: There are so many instances that I can’t pull one out of the ether, off the top of my head... But part of the journey is learning how to collaborate with people in a room after a common objective that sometimes is agreed upon and sometimes is not. And at the end of the day a lot of time the actors are the ones who – well, the actor’s the only one who has to be on stage. Like with any professional sports, the coaches get to say a lot. But at the end of the day, they don’t have to play the game. The players play...

But it is important to have a really strong relationship with your coach or your director or your scenic designer. You know, these are relationships you learn in the professional world how to integrate those people into the entire process. So I would say that there were plenty of times in grad school where even just by stepping out in a certain costume or on a certain set or with a certain direction or – from my end – a certain voice I had prepared, a certain choice I had made about a character, even just stepping out into that first set was like stepping straight into some dog shit.

Virginia: You put yourself in a vulnerable place.

Bryce: Here’s a good one: I created a show in school at the Yale Cabaret. It was a clown show. And I don’t mean clown like circus clown, I mean, sort of like Bill Irwin style – and we built it outside. We did a show outside in the courtyard, you know, beautiful setting. We had a giant staircase, fire escape staircase, coming down and a little stage built out there, and a window. We had all these bits built in and people could walk by and see it from outside. It was really quite wonderful. But we had to, by law, have one performance inside for, I think, wheelchair accessibility or something. And so we put so much work into getting the show together that we never really planned out how we were going to do it indoors. And, you know, it was all done on a shoestring anyway. And so when we did the show inside, one of my teachers came,...came to that show, the one we had to do inside.

Virginia: Was this person a teacher that you wanted to impress?

Bryce: Yeah, I wanted to impress this person, who undoubtedly would have a lot of helpful criticism, who I was really excited to show that I had followed through on my impulse to create something like this. And sure enough she came on the night that we had to do it inside. Or maybe it was raining or something; I don’t know.  Nevertheless, we found ourselves before the show, the three of us, the three person show , trying to talk through how we were going to do the show inside with all these things that are normally done outside, like a whole bit done with bringing a trunk down a set of stairs, in a small, low-ceilinged underground theatre with none of that. And at the end of the day, we just had to do it. And my teacher came up to me afterwards with a big smile on her face. I said, “Oh, no, you’re here tonight?” She said, "Yes, and that was terrible!...Congratulations! You’ve tasted it. Now you know what it tastes like.”

And it’s true. It really was terrible. I mean, it was really bad. This is a show, I’m proud to say, got lots of laughter outside. Indoors, we’re lucky if we got any. It was only an hour show, and, oh man, it was a rough hour. But to see her levity about that, the fact that it was really bad, and that it had given me the opportunity to experience it, and I had come out on the other side of it okay and realize, Oh, well, if we’d had more time, and yeah, that was terrible. Ha ha, you know, to laugh at it and myself.

Again, it’s like changing that perspective, the value judgment. Here I am at the Yale School of Drama creating my own show for people who have paid to see me, and it’s terrible. I mean like that’s AMAZING! How many people can say that? I don’t know, it definitely introduced me to what it feels like to fail and move on and recover and look back and laugh and say I made a mess back there. I’m sorry.

...Stay tuned for PART THREE of the epic-long Bryce Pinkham interview extraordinaire!

Until then...

Loves,
V


"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." - Ernest Hemingway


Saturday, February 18, 2012

143. The Juilliard Door Closes

I did not get invited to the Final Callbacks at Juilliard.

:-(

Kathy Hood sent out an email that said that out of the 1387 people that auditioned for Juilliard this year... they asked a record number of people to stay for the End-Of-Day Callbacks during each audition day, over all of the days, this added up to 157 people in total. I was one of them.

From that group, they selected 40 people to invite to the Final Callback Weekend. (Congratulations to anyone who made it this year!) However, I was NOT one of them.

I am sad. Very sad.

I LOVED my Juilliard audition experience. It was seriously one of the best days I've had...ever.

The tough thing about these MFA auditions...at Yale, Juilliard and NYU...is that they never give you feedback on your audition. It just doesn't work that way. They never tell you why you weren't chosen...or what you could do to improve your audition for next year. 

I completely understand why they do not offer this information. It would be overwhelming to deal with those kinds of correspondences for hundreds of applicants. It's just not realistic or advantageous for the school to do that. I get it.

But the nature of this "lack-of-feedback," as to why you didn't get chosen and someone else did, can be very confusing. 

My brain naturally goes to the thought, "Is there anything that I did to sabotage myself? Is there anything I could have done to improve my chances?"

However, the conclusions that I come up with, as answers to these questions may have NOTHING to do with why I ACTUALLY wasn't chosen. So really...I just end up making myself crazy. 

This year...I am very confident that I did EVERYTHING within my power to give my best possible audition...maybe I went a little overboard, actually. 

All well. 

Ultimately, I will never know the real reason I wasn't chosen. And that's okay. I guess I don't really need to know...Because I am who I am...and I don't want to be accepted to a school where I'm not wanted. That would suck! So if I'm not wanted there for ANY reason, then it's a good thing that they've let me go on my way this year.

Is there anything I can do now to change the outcome?... Nope. What's done is done. So the only really healthy option for me is to be grateful for the opportunity that I had...and move forward with the new learning that it's given me.

What have I learned?...I am still processing that. And I am sure I will be discussing those ideas in future blog posts.

But before I wrap up this post...just wanted to share with you a few details about yesterday...

1. I think I may have checked my email every 3 minutes yesterday...Allllll day long...It was hilarious! I was totally obsessive compulsive about it...Until I finally received the email from Juilliard around 4:30pm...Then...whah-whah...sadness.

2. Also received my "official" rejection email from Yale yesterday. "Way to coordinate with Juilliard, guys! Nice timing! Double-whammy of rejection!" I mean, I knew about the Yale outcome already, but still...that was icky to have to receive both of those emails within hours of each other. It was as if the Universe was teasing me..."No, MFA for you, Wilcox...It doesn't matter how much you care about this...or how close you come...You ain't never gonna get it...So let me just confirm your inadequacy by these "official" rejection letters in your inbox." Thanks, Universe...I know you know what's best for me and I don't, but...the mocking? Is that really necessary? Ugh. Bleh!

3. I got "the email" while I was at work. I was proud of myself...because I didn't cry. In fact, I'll bet my bosses had nooooo idea that anything out of the ordinary was happening for me. I am a professional. I do not share my personal drama at work.

4. After work, however, I made a phone call to my teacher and friend (also the person that wrote my recommendation letter for Juilliard) Mr. Robert Parsons. I left him a voice mail telling him about my disappointment at not making it to Final Callbacks at Juilliard this year. He called me back later, but I couldn't answer at that time, so he left me a voice mail in response...I have included it below...If I could figure out how to export the voice mail from my phone, I'd put it on the blog for you guys to listen to, but since I am not that technically saavy I've just typed it. (I hope you don't mind my sharing this with everybody, Bob!) His words meant a lot to me and are a great comfort.

Feb. 17, 2012, voice mail from my teacher, Robert Parsons:
"Hey, Virginia...It's Bob calling...Oooooh, boy...Got your message...and ahh,...I'm really, really sorry. I'm so, so sorry...that you didn't get called back...and I am also really, really surprised. I thought you definitely were...were IN this time. But, uh, regardless, it certainly does not diminish your brilliance, because you are... you're just, you're f*#king brilliant. I mean, reading your blog and just the way you think through these things and I know it leaks into your work as well,...so nobody can take that away from you no matter what obstacles appear. And though it's not Juilliard this year and it's not Yale this year...but, I guess NYU is still a possibility, so hold on to that one...But I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and I feel like, you know, whatever this means...it's just gonna make you stronger, ultimately, and...yeah, something good is gonna come for you, at some point, whether it's this year or whenever...It's gonna happen, so just hang in there. And I think a lot of people are behind you and rooting for you, so keep it rollin' girl!...Um, I'll try and get back to you or you call me. I've got a show tonight...But if you feel like calling, I should be around. Alright, you take care. Bye."

THAT's when I finally cried...Listening to Bob's voice mail...Standing on the corner of 37th Street and Broadway in Astoria. (Why wait until you get to the privacy of your own apartment to lose your s#*t, when you can do it standing on a street corner in full view of the passing public? LOL! Ridiculous me.) Thank you, Bob, for your compassionate words! It feels good to know that you believe in me...even though...even though...I didn't get in to Juilliard.

Anyway, yesterday wasn't allll tears and disappointment...I joyfully reconnected with my friend Jordan last night. He just moved to NY recently. We had a nice sushi dinner and had a blast at the Astoria Art House Salon...where I got to sing a couple of songs and Jordan played the piano. It was lovely. So the day certainly ended on a positive note.

And, yes...I am still in-the-running at NYU...but I am feeling like...I don't know...like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? At this point, I'm kind-of anticipating the rejection letter from them too...'cause...I can't even make it to NYU's Callback Weekend even if they do invite me.

Sooo maybe this really isn't going to be "my year" for grad school acceptance after all.

Still...I'm going to complete this Acceptance Project...in the best way I know how. So gonna keep on blogging until April 1st, as promised, and I am excited about it too, because I've still got some cool posts hiding up my sleeve for you all to look forward to...a couple of interviews waiting in the cue...and some other fun surprises in store...So it ain't over yet!

Don't worry about me. I haven't lost hope entirely.

Maybe I'll try for Juilliard again next year...Got really close!...I don't know yet. We'll see.

The door at Juilliard has closed for 2012...but there's gotta be a window in here somewhere...

:-)

Loves,
Virginia

P.S. If anyone who has been invited to the Juilliard Callback Weekend would like to write a guest post for the blog, even if it's anonymous, I'd love for you to contact me and we can discuss! Email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. Best wishes and break legs!

Monday, February 13, 2012

139. Yale Drama Audition 2012: Part Three (The Five Stages)

(This is the third post relating my audition experience at the Yale School of Drama 2012. CLICK HERE to read Part One. CLICK HERE to read Part Two.)

There were four names on the "End of Day Callback List" from the morning session of auditions. FOUR NAMES.

I'd already gotten further this year than I had in the past two years.

No big crowds of people hovering over the list this time. Just me and a few others...I got close enough to read the names. I scan the list for mine.

No Virginia Wilcox.

I read the names again.

Still no Virginia Wilcox.

If your name is not on this list, Wilcox, you are no longer being considered for admission in Fall 2012.

Oh dear.

C.r.u.s.h.e.d.

It's over. No Yale for me.

(Uh-oh, Brain...Here we go…We are about to begin the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief.)

"The Death of a Dream"
by Virginia (the rejected) Wilcox


STAGE ONE: DENIAL
Wait a minute…This can't be right. What if this is the wrong list? What if this is the hourly callback list?

So I turn to the girl standing next to me… “This is the “End of Day Callback list” from the morning session, right?” If I was about to walk out that door and leave New Haven, I wanted to make SURE there was no mistake and I was looking at the right list. “This is it?”

“Yup.” She nods.

“Oh.” I sigh.

I step back slowly.

No amount of staring at that sheet of paper will make my name appear.

STAGE TWO: ANGER
Damn. This sucks.

Why is auditioning for grad school so freeeeeking competitive?!

Ugggggh!

STAGE THREE: BARGAINING
If only I had done my OTHER contemporary piece…Maybe they would have liked that better? Or perhaps if I had worn the other shirt I brought. Maybe I’m not pretty enough, not tall enough, too tall, too skinny, too Caucasian, my hair is too short, I'm too old…Oh, if only I were a man! There are always waaay more girls auditioning than boys...I should have eaten a bigger breakfast this morning…I should have worked-out more the past few months...Dyed my hair...Taken another acting class…Something…If only they had worked with me, given me an adjustment, then they would have seen that I can take direction and that might have changed their minds...It was the Shakespeare! Had to have been!...If only...If only...If only...

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION
Dude. I suck. I am not talented enough to get into Yale. How many times do I have to get rejected from this school for it to sink in to my thick skull? Who was I kidding? The odds are IMPOSSIBLE anyway. There is no point in trying. Maybe I should just take this as a sign that I'm not meant to do this acting thing anymore...not professionally anyway. 

That angry girl that called me a "second rate cruise ship actress" a couple of years ago was RIGHT...I'm never going to be a REAL actress. I'm just a fake. A "wanna-be." I should give up now. 

Annnnnnnd I have to confess to everyone that reads the blog that I FAILED AGAIN. Soooooooo embarrrrassing. I am a loser. Ugh. Argh. Bleh.

STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE
Deep breath.

Well, it's time for me to gather what remains of my dignity and self-respect and head for home. Thank goodness I have a life that I like to go back to. Glad I tried. At least I won’t ever have to wonder what would have happened. 

Who knows? Maybe I'll try again next year...And REALLY nail that Shakespeare monologue!

(As of 2012, the Yale School of Drama has not set a limit for how many times you can audition for the Acting program. FYI.)

Done...with all those thoughts.

Done...with my Yale audition.

Whew!

It's allllllll done. That was my third and final audition for the "season."

I took a breath. And felt a surprising sense of relief as I walked out the heavy red door and out into the crisp New Haven air.

Have to give myself sooooome credit...'cause I did it. I auditioned AGAIN...and it was a waaaaaay better audition than I've ever given at Yale. And I got farther than I've ever gotten too! That's progress!

Am I disappointed that I didn't make it to "End Of Day Callbacks?" OF COURSE I AM!

But am I devastated? No...welllllll.....no.

I am going to allow myself to have a leeeeeetle bit of a pity party on my way home though...Only natural...all part of the mourning process...

This is how I party...pity...party...

Cue: Sad violin solo

As I walked back to the New Haven train station. I thought about all the restaurants in New Haven I'd never get to try,...the cute little apartment I wouldn't have to look for,...the other Yale students I wouldn't get to meet,...all the awesome classes I wouldn't get to take,...all the shows I wouldn't get to see,...the Ivy-League boyfriend I'd never fall in love with,...and the student loans I wouldn't have to take out. 

:-p

Kidding aside, I can't lie. No Yale for 2012...does make me sad.

But I have to believe that I am needed elsewhere.

There are soooooo many other options out there...I could get accepted to another grad school this year (still in-the-running at Juilliard and NYU)...or maybe this isn't "my year" for grad school after all (there's always next year)...or maybe there's some other creative job or opportunity in store for me in 2012 that's even BETTER...something incredibly wonderful...not yet seen or anticipated.

I mean, after got rejected from both NYU and Yale last year...I NEVER THOUGHT I'd be writing a blog about auditioning for grad school for a third time. And this has been the most fun and challenging project ever! Sooooo it's good. It's alllllll good.

What happened at today's audition was exactly what was SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. (Mediocre Shakespeare monologue and all!)

Rejection is God's protection, right? So Yale's not the right place for me right now. And I have to trust that...as much as it may hurt my ego in this moment...I mean, everybody wants to "win the prize," right? To be the favored one...To be selected out of the massive crowd! 

But when you're not selected...you have to reflect...and ask yourself...Am I sad that I didn't get into Yale because I really wanted to be there...Or am I sad just 'cause I didn't WIN? 

Sometimes I just wanna win,...ya know?

Can't get down on myself for not "making it." I know I did my best. I have no control over Ron and Walton's personal preferences. (Jack Plotnick has an awesome article about how to deal with it when casting people "don't like you." I highly recommend that you CLICK HERE to read it.) 

Deep down, I know that I've still got a lot to offer the world as an artist and I'm excited about being able to give my love, my passion and my creativity to a community of people that will want me as a collaborator. So I'll stay open to those opportunities...No matter where they may come from!

Annnnd when I want a little after-party-pity-party...It's nice to take comfort in some familiar things...Like a strong shoulder to rest my head on...listening to Jason Mraz on my iPhone...writing in my journal...emails and FB comments from supportive friends like YOU...who have been cheering me on and encouraging me allll along the way...and will love me no matter what happens at the end of this project...grad school acceptance 2012 or no. That's comforting.

For today, I am allowing myself the time to mourn the loss of my Yale dream.

I'm allowed that. It's only natural.

But I do know (from past experience)...that I will survive...and in retrospect...I will probably look back on this and say, "Wow. NOT getting into Yale was the BEST thing that's never happened to me."

Sending you all big love for 2012 and beyond. Onward and upward!

Loves,
Virginia

P.S. I would love for someone to volunteer to do a GUEST POST ABOUT YALE CALLBACKS. So if you or anyone you know makes it to the final callback weekend at Yale, send me an email at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com, and we can discuss a guest post opportunity. I would LOVE to be able to feature your Yale experience on the blog! (You could even do it anonymously, if you're shy.) It'd be sooooooo awesome to have an account of Yale Callbacks to "round-out" the Acceptance Project! Spread the word! Thanks for your help, guys!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

137. Yale Drama Audition 2012: Part One (Walking Through The Door...Again)

How would you like to go to a school where the theatre looks like this?...
(Photo by Brendan Hughes)

Well, first you have to walk through this door to audition...
(Photo by Zoe Gorman)

You will be auditioning for a man who looks like this...

Or a man who looks like this...

For the third year in a row...I took the two hour train ride to New Haven and walked through that door to audition for the MFA Acting program at the Yale School of Drama. The first two times...I didn't even make the first cut.

Alllllll that preparation and...BAM!...It's all over in 5 minutes. But I chose not to see these rejections as a "NO"...but rather as a "NOT YET." Ya know what I mean?...

So I'm back...To put my name "in the hat" again and see if this will be my year. Three times is the charm, right? Will Yale be receptive to my work this year or will I get cut...yet again?...Read on to find out...

For some reason, writing about my experience at Yale this year has become more like a series of bullet points than a narrative structure. So, I’m going to trust that and go with it. Hope you’ll still able to follow the story… If not,…use your imagination to fill-in the blanks.

:-)

New Haven in the stillness of the winter morning. Cold, crisp air. No snow.

Hands warming around a small coffee from JoJo’s Coffee (around the corner).

Push open the the heavy red door. Noticed a thumb-tack on the floor. Picked it up. (Somebody might step on it! That'd really ruin your audition experience.)

Check-in with the desk. Give them my headshot and resume. Friendly grad students running the show, as always! Love them.

Called in with the rest of my group for the 10am pre-audition talk with Ron and Walton. Didn't bother to take off my coat this year. (It was freezing!) The "talk" seemed more rushed than the past two years. But maybe they're pressed for time? Still, it’s nice to be able to meet them before hand, see their faces. Definitely helps to calm the nerves. Walton will be seeing half the audition group upstairs and Ron will be seeing the other half downstairs.

Spending time in the downstairs audition room (where I will be auditioning for Ron) helped to relax me… gotta love all the cracks in the plaster, the light coming through the cloudy, rectangular panes of glass and all the quirkiness of this oddly-converted-castle-to-studio-space. (Much less intimidating than my first year when I auditioned in this room last, back then all the black curtains were drawn...Oooooo, dark and scary!)

Ron, however, is still an intimidating figure to me. He's so quiet and grounded. Even the way he dresses, with his light t-shirt, sport jacket and his clean-cut white hair... Then he looks at you with this sense of knowing…as if he can see right into your soul…it’s spooky! He's seriously a legend among acting teachers. His former students talk about him like he's Yoda or something.

Walton was wearing a plaid poncho and New Balance sneakers. So his intimidation factor was not-so-much. Love that!!! He just seemed homey and comfortable. All of us auditioning just seemed a little over-dressed for the occasion in comparison. The word-on-the-street about Walton, from those that've worked with him...He's one of the sweetest human beings alive.

Since I've been assigned to audition in Ron’s room this year. Courage is key here. Goal: talk to him. (My first year…I was too scared to talk to him. My second year I auditioned for Walton...which was less scary...that one went better. You can read about my first & second year Yale auditions by clicking HERE.)

Back in the waiting room. The air is thick with nervous energy. Bleh!!! Gotta shake it off…

Did my best to get into my own little "zone" and did some yoga and deep breathing in the waiting room. Probably looked like a fool, but I don’t care. If it's gonna helped me stay focused, I'll look like a fool, any day of the week. So people can think what they will…At least the floor was clean.

I went online on my phone and chose an actor affirmation from Jack Plotnick's website that I felt would be most helpful to me that morning. It was...

"I release and destroy my need to be an “Actor”. Let them be the “Actors”, and have all the responsibilities that come with it. I am just here to be myself and have fun."

Kept saying it over and over to myself...every time my brain would wander to some negative, insecure place. None of those thoughts are going to help me right now. So I'll choose to focus on my affirmation...because that thought actually makes me feel GOOD about myself...and when I feel good...I'm going to do waaaaay better work in the audition room.

My turn to audition. (The last one in my group.)

I always feel like I have to pee at this moment…right before I’m about to go in for an audition…always. But I don’t really need to…it’s just psychosomatic.

Walk into the room and actually start a CONVERSATION with Ron Van Lieu! Score! Nothing profound, just remarking on the room and the fireplace and how it’s like auditioning in a castle. Some of the tension was released. Helped me to remember that we’re both human beings. Nice thing to be reminded of in this strange situation we know as "auditioning." Hooray! Success!

Chose to do my scary monologue first: Shakespeare….Goes fine. Not spectacular. But Shakespeare’s NooooooTTTT my thing, so that’s to be expected.

Did not RUSH to transition into my second monologue. Grabbed a chair and brought it downstage center. REALLY took my time to shift the mood. Felt good. Success.

Went into my second monologue…Contemporary piece…Same one I did for Mark and Janet at NYU…Different one than I did at Juilliard. Why did I choose this one? Just feel like I'm more connected to it this morning than the other one. Gotta trust your instincts on these things. If you can't trust your instincts, what can you trust? GOAL is to surprise myself in the monologue. I will not make choices, rather I will allow choices to happen to me. Do NOT want to seem rehearsed. Ugh. Hate that.

Goes REALLY, SUPER AWESOME. I am surprised at myself in several moments. "Where the hell did THAT come from?"...Feeeeeels fantastic…Definitely the best (most fearless) audition I’ve ever given at Yale. No question.

Totally showed my heart. Didn’t pre-plan. Wasn’t just “reciting lines.” Really felt like I put those given circumstances in my stomach and then just let the monologue happen to me. Freedom!

Back to the waiting area…Which is as freezing as an ice box.

Waiting.

Waiting.

The LIST for the 10am hour is posted on the door. Everybody in the waiting room starts for the door...

TWO names on the page…out of a group of about 20 people or so…there were TWO names on the list. It's been this way every year. I've never seen more than three names. (They clearly know EXACTLY what they're looking for and aren't going to waste your time if they're not interested. But...man...only two names...that's HARSH.)

The second name...

Virginia Wilcox

HOLY F*#K! I JUST MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST CUT AT YALE!!!

Look up in the sky, people!!! Pigs are flying through the air.

Brrrrrrr!!! Hell is freezing over.

Seriously. I am in total shock. I have never made it to a "preliminary call-back" before. This RULES!

Why did I make it this year, as opposed to other years? Don’t know. Better monologue selection probably.

Maybe my previous "NOT YET" is about to turn into a "YES...NOW!"

Oh, hopes...don't get up toooo high. It ain't over yet...In fact, it hasn't really even begun...

I can hardly believe it. I am overcome. I hug the audition monitor, Sheria, and tell her how thrilled I am at the opportunity to do my pieces again...and that this is my third try at this...SOOOO EXCITED.

No time to think, I've only got a minute to catch my breath as I’m waiting outside the door to go back into the audition room and do my pieces for both Ron and Walton.

Damn, feels like I have to pee again...

:-p

Will my "preliminary callback" be a total disaster? Will I make the next cut and be invited to the "end-of-day" callbacks? Is Yale finally going to see me as a valuable candidate for admission in Fall of 2012? Or will I be taking the walk-of-shame back to the New Haven train station yet again?

Check back tomorrow and see what happens next...in PART TWO.

Loves,
Virginia

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

129. Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part Two (The List)

(This is a continuation of yesterday’s post Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part One)

Part Two: The List

Sooooo back to our story... All 155 of us auditioning today for Juilliard Drama have been waiting around for several hours to see the greatly anticipated “callback list.” It’s imminent arrival had been promised every fifteen to twenty minutes…but no such list had yet appeared.

Just to give a little background, as to the significance of “THE LIST”... Imagine yourself in this situation...

You’ve decided (after much deliberating) to audition for Juilliard in spite of THE ODDS.

You have spent months preparing...submitting the online application, paying your application fee, requesting letter(s) of recommendation, writing your personal statement, maybe getting new headshots, finding 4 monologues (that both fill the requirements for the audition AND are PERSONAL to you in some way), you’ve hired a coach or enlisted a trusted teacher to help you prepare these monologues, you’ve practiced, you’ve thoughtfully picked out your clothing and shoes for “the big day” (that just might change your life forever and set you on a trajectory of artistic growth), and, if accepted, have imagined the realities of moving to the heart of New York City.

You have done ALLLL of these things. But more than that...you’ve been struggling in your head the whole time...waffling back and forth between thoughts like:

“Why in the world am I doing all of this? What if I am doing it all wrong? I might just go in to this audition and totally freeze up or make a fool of myself and then all this work will be for nothing and I will feel like an untalented loser who will never succeed as an actor. If I was any good at this acting thing, shouldn’t I have been “discovered” already? Maybe I should just give up an find a “real” job and stop kidding myself. Who am I to think that I might be “Juilliard material?” All well, maybe I’ll just kinda go in there and “half-ass” it and see what happens. Because if I really give it my ALL and then fail at it...well, that’d be tooooo devastating. But if I “half-ass” it and fail...then I can just give myself the excuse that I didn’t really try...or I can comfort myself by calling Juilliard pretentious and elitist. How DARE they not recognize my talent through my half-assed effort at this audition! Who needs Juilliard anyway?...Whatever.”

OR...

“I am going to give this my ALL...because I know I CAN...and because I know that’s how I’ll get the most out of the process and, therefore, not be so attached to the outcome. I know that EVERYONE is worthy of attending a school like Juilliard...including me. So I am going to give the best possible audition that I can right now, with the resources that are available to me. I won’t be giving a perfect audition, but it will be a FUN audition...Because I know that I am the creator of my own experience...So if I choose to enjoy the whole process, then I’ll feel like it was worth it no matter what...and even if they don’t “accept” me...I will have accepted myself... as a person who is brave enough to shoot for the moon and to audition for a schmancy school like JUILLIARD. The person I most need to impress...is myself. So I am going to prepare in the best way possible to be the kind of actor that I would like to be in class WITH for four years...the kind of actor that I would like to be inspired by. I’ll just start behaving like that person now...whether Juilliard accepts me or not. And...the best part is...even if I fail...I can take what I've learned from this year’s audition experience and try again next year.”

Sooooo, back to the LIST that's about to be posted on the wall. For all of us auditioning today...there’s a lot of emotional baggage riding on this LIST.

If your name is not on said list, you know that you are no longer in the running for consideration for this year’s class. No pressure.

It’s tough not to look at THE LIST as anything other than a black-and-white personal judgement of YOU and your talent.

Our brains naturally go there... We're either "winners" or "losers"..."talented" or "untalented" ..."worthy" or "unworthy."

But our brains are WRONG. Everyone is WORTHY. YOU ARE WORTHY.

Think of it this way...If your name is not on that list...then you can THANK THE HEAVENS THAT IT IS NOT, because you are needed elsewhere this year...either at another school that will embrace you and appreciate you for being your perfectly imperfect self and help you to better your craft...or maybe you could really use some time auditioning in the “real world” and that’s the thing that’ll really enable you to grow. Who knows?

Have you ever had the experience of being “mis-cast” in a role? I have. It is TORTURE...Trying, day in and day out, to be something that you’re not or to magically manifest skills that you don’t have...Disappointing yourself and everyone else in the process. Awful.

Rejection is God’s protection. If you think you know what is BEST for you...the Universe will promptly remind you that you are mistaken. You can’t always get what you WANT...But you will always get what you NEED in order to learn the lessons you’re here to learn in this life.

Anyway, I digress.

Back to our story...

Finally, without fanfare... THE LIST was posted. The massive rush of people headed into the hallway had begun.

I have to say, I much prefer having a list of names read aloud rather than the posting of a list on the wall, in these kinds of situations. Perhaps it’s just a personal preference. I mean, think about it...most people don’t know each other’s names…so if the list is read aloud, you’re just listening for your own name and not really paying much attention to the reactions of others.

I feel that being able to maintain one’s composure and dignity in the comfort and safety of one’s own seat is a much more palatable way of absorbing rejection than having to pretend like you’re cool and collected as you walk into the crowded mass of youth huddling and straining to see the names on a sheet of paper, bodies bumping into each other in eager anticipation and then retreating in muted disappointment.

It’s an awful experience every time…no matter if your name is on the list or not.

I waited a minute or two for the masses to converge and begin to disburse around the list. I felt good about my initial audition, so I was hopeful that I might see my name. But I have felt that way in the past and have been disappointed when my name was not there. So I was prepared for the idea that though I had given my best at in the room, that I might not be the right fit for Juilliard.

I saw Simon standing near the doorway as I approached, but I couldn’t make eye-contact with him. I couldn’t make eye-contact with anyone. I was moving forward in a haze, hyper-focused on one thing… that 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper that was slowly coming into focus as I drew nearer…My eyes darted around the page…
It’s in alphabetical order…
Look down, down, down…
W…Wilcox…Virginia Wilcox.

Virginia Wilcox.

There it was. The very last name on the list.

I didn’t even blink. I just turned on my heels and walked quickly away from the crowd, straight back to my seat. And sat down next to Rebecca and the lanky elvish young man in the puffy green jacket (from the subway car earlier).

Rebecca looked into my eyes. “Well?” She said. “I can’t tell from your face…Did you see your name?”

“Yes.” I sat there stunned.

“Congratulations!” Both Rebecca and elvish young man chimed in.

I smiled and said thank you and then began to stare at the floor…letting my mind go blank for a second. This was toooo overwhelming for me. My brain was not processing this.

Rebecca came back and told me she had not seen her name. Bleh!!! And elvish young man passed by quietly, grabbed his backpack and silently slipped away. I hugged Rebecca warmly and said how much I hoped that the rest of her grad school auditions went well and that I hoped she’d try again next year at Juilliard if she felt strongly that this would be the best place for her.

That’s when the reality of the situation began to sink in for me…I wanted Rebecca to come along into the next room with me too…and elvish young man…and where was Simon? When would I see him again? Ugh! This part of the process SUCKS! I wanted EVERYONE I had met to be on that list. Why did I have to walk into the next room alone? Why couldn't they come too? Ugh.

I do not envy the people behind the audition table. They had just seen 155 AMAZING young artists (with major potential to do great work) share their hearts, hopes and dreams at this audition. And they had narrowed it down to just 18, to move on to the next round.

How do you even do that??? What a tough job!? They must wish that they could take more people into the program every time. I cannot imagine how it could be otherwise.

I had to move. The room had almost completely cleared out. I gathered my courage, grabbed my bag and my computer, said my goodbyes and walked down the hallway into the next room.

I cannot believe my good fortune.

I. just. got. called. back. at. JUILLIARD.

Wow.

I've gotten soooo used to the feeling of failing...It's familiar.

But this feeling of succeeding...I don't know...It's pretty terrifying. Hopefully I'll find a way to get used to it.

No matter what. I will never forget this moment...and everything it took to get here.

Loves,
V

Tomorrow...Part Three: Auditioning for THE FACULTY.

Monday, January 30, 2012

127. The Odds

"Our business in life is not to get ahead of others, but to get ahead of ourselves." - E. Joseph Cossman

If you only consider "the odds," why would you ever attempt anything difficult or "competitive"? You wouldn't...you'd just give up before you'd even given yourself a chance to try. And maybe you'd pat yourself on the back for being "smart" and "logical" (a.k.a. safe and boring).

But has being SAFE ever helped you to better yourself or your life or your sense of self-worth or your financial outlook or...anything other than just being safe

I mean, "safe" is fine if you just want to continue to confirm for yourself that you have no other option than to do what you're doing now and venturing out would lead to almost certain failure.

"So many things now are completely up to us, more than ever before. Where and how and when we work and invest and interact and instruct and learn...If you think you have no choice but to do what you do now, you've already made a serious error. It seems to me that passing the buck on this merely because it's easier than choosing is precisely the wrong strategy. It enables an abdication of power that will be very hard to reverse. It's up to you, and that's part of the power that you've got." -Seth Godin

Fear surrounding the "slim odds of success" is a big obstacle to overcome and stops a lot of people trying things. And...yeah, sure...It's scary. It's daunting. It's overwhelming. It's discouraging. True. True. True. True.

But you know what's just SAD...Not trying at all. That's the saddest story I've ever heard.

So...What does this have to do with auditioning for graduate acting programs? Wellllll, these are some odds that have made my knees a little wobbly at times...

Perhaps it'll give you a little context, as to how many people audition for programs like Juilliard, here are some numbers (provided by Kathy Hood, Administrative Director of the Drama Division at Juilliard...Thanks, Kathy!):

Total # of applicants for Fall 2012: 1387 (964 BFA and 423 MFA)  
200 will audition in Chicago and 200 in San Francisco - the rest are auditioning in NYC.

On the day of my audition in New York (1/28/2012), 161 people were scheduled to audition and 155 actually auditioned (6 people cancelled due to illness, etc.)
 
18 people were called back from that group. (We actually had 19 because one other applicant, called back from the previous day, joined our group) 
9 people were interviewed.
On Friday, February 17th, emails will be sent out inviting 40 applicants (of that 1387 that auditioned) to come to New York for two days of "final callbacks." These two days will provide an opportunity for applicants to experience two days of classes where they will work intensely with faculty and have the opportunity to speak with current students. 
From the "Final 40" there will be 18 students selected for admission.

I wish I was a fantastically skilled statistician, so that I could crunch numbers and make a logical analysis and all sorts of fancy conclusions based on the above information.

However, that is not the way my brain works. My brain looks at it this way...


1387 = auditioning
18 = accepted 
1369 = rejected  

my logical brain = "What the hell am I doing here?"
my artist brain = "Maybe one of those 18 could be...me?"
my heart = "How many times am I allowed to audition before they'll stop me from trying again?"


So...Brain...Who is ruling the roost here? Who's really got the power? You or the numbers? You give your power away when you think of yourself as statistic. Failure is NOT inevitable...unless you don't even try...then it's CERTAIN.

You are a powerful human being and you have the ability to stack the odds in your favor...by learning as much as you can about how others have achieved success (no matter how statistically unlikely...somebody's getting accepted to grad school this year and it might as well be YOU), adapting the knowledge you've gathered to your own situation and taking action, continuing to make pursuing your goal a part of your DAILY life (not something that you'll "get around to someday" or you'll start as soon as you "insert your personal excuse here"...mine usually has something to do with "not enough money" or "not enough time" or "too embarrassing"), then surround yourself with supportive and inspiring people who will cheer you on and help you achieve your goal...oh, and DON'T GIVE UP! 

Then you're GOLDEN! Success is almost a SURE thing...of course, it may not always show-up in the "terms" you set in the beginning... or the way you had imagined...but you WILL be successful... eventually. Be patient. Be dedicated. SOMETHING awesome will happen. 

True story. 

I hope that will be YOUR story.

I hope that will be MY story.

F*#k the numbers.

Loves,
Virginia

"Success is not measured by what a man accomplishes, but by the opposition he has encountered and the courage with which he has maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds." – Charles Lindbergh