An (almost) daily conversation about my process of preparation to apply for acceptance to the MFA Acting programs at Juilliard, NYU-Tisch and the Yale School of Drama in 2012.
"People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult; everything alive holds to it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself in its own way and is characteristically and spontaneously itself, seeks all costs to be so and against all opposition. We know little, but that we must hold to what is difficult is certainty that will not forsake us;...that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters To A Young Poet
Every day of this trip has been emotionally exhausting...and I expected this. However, there is no doubt in my mind that all of this is well-worth the effort and I will continue without fail.
In the name of creating this "family play" I am hearing stories of my family members and friends that I've never heard before. It's overwhelming and exhilarating.
The skeletons in the closet are getting exposed to the light.
And not only that...the process of exposure is bonding us all together in LOVE and acceptance. And I am so grateful for this opportunity to deepen my connection with my family members and friends.
It is a gift to be able to use this opportunity to scratch beneath the surface and learn more about these human beings that have been so influential in my life.
I am fascinated hearing what comes up as soon as the convention of silence is broken.
"So, tell us about your relationship with the family..."
How would you answer that question for your own family? What is the first thing that comes to mind? What do you think your mother would say? Or your best friend from childhood? What are your most significant memories? Might you be surprised at the memories that others find significant? Or are you certain that you've heard it all before?
Ask.
See what happens.
It may be difficult at first, but everything worth doing usually is.
Loves,
V
"To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation...Whoever looks seriously at it finds that neither for death, which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any explanation, any solution, any hint or way yet been discerned...But in the same measure in which we begin as individuals to put life to the test, we shall, being individuals, meet these great things at closer range. The demands which the difficult work of love makes upon our development are more than life-size, and as beginners we are not up to them. But if we nevertheless hold out and take this love upon us a burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in all the light and frivolous play behind which people have hidden from the most earnest earnestness of their existence -- then a little progress and an alleviation will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us; that would be much." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters To A Young Poet
"The first steps of a creative act are like groping in the dark: random and chaotic, feverish and fearful, a lot of busy-ness with no apparent or definable end in sight...I look like a desperate woman, tortured by the simple message thumping away in my head: "You need an idea"...You can't just dance or paint or write or sculpt. Those are just verbs. You need a tangible idea to get you going. The idea, however minuscule, is what turns the verb into a noun -- paint into a painting, sculpt into sculpture, write into writing, dance into dance. Even though I look desperate, I don't feel desperate, because I have a habitual routine to keep me going. I call it scratching. You know how you scratch away at a lottery ticket to see if you've won? That's what I'm doing when I begin a piece. I'm digging through everything to find something." - Twyla Tharp,The Creative Habit
I'm home in the Bay Area now.
"Home."
I say, "home" though it doesn't really feel like my home anymore, though it is a beautiful place, a familiar place, a place that I love, appreciate and enjoy...
And one that gives me anxiety attacks of unexpected memories around every single corner.
As I began the drive from SFO to Walnut Creek, just the act of being in the driver's seat and turning onto the freeway onramp, I was reminded of the hundreds of times I had done that very same thing years ago...only...back then the person in the passenger's seat was my ex-boyfriend...the one I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.
"Yeah. That guy, Virginia. Remember him?"
The memories of our 6 years in a relationship together flooded back all at once.
What the heck was happening to me!?
I couldn't breathe.
My heart was pounding in my chest.
My hands were sweating and gripping the steering wheel for dear life.
Adrenaline pumping through my veins.
I gasped loudly with surprise, so much so that my friends and creative collaborators Matt and Stan (unlucky passengers in my vehicle) turned to me to see what had happened.
Nothing had happened...well, not in this moment...But EVERYTHING had happened...years ago. And now, I was OVERWHELMED with the memories of a life that I had once lived, and if I had made different choices back then...I could be living a VERY different life right now...probably still in the Bay Area and probably still with him.
Whew! INTENSE...and very surprising.
I didn't come here with the intention of reflecting on HIM...I came here to think about my family and be with THEM!
"What in the world is my brain doing to me? Why am I thinking about him? Why can't I seem to control it?"
I do NOT like this feeling.
I went from "totally fine"...to "emotionally distressed and missing him terribly," (like I haven't felt in YEARS) in about 0.2 seconds.
Very interesting.
I don't think of my ex-boyfriend very often in my current New York reality and there are very few physical landmarks there to trigger my memories of him.
Sigh.
Painful.
"Well...this is what you wanted, Virginia. To come here and see what happens...Well, guess what? You are having painful memories of a past relationship that ended. THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. So don't resist it."
So I started telling Matt and Stan all about the source of my powerful gasp for air and my memories of heartbreak and thoughts of woulda-coulda-shoulda.
And it sparked a great discussion between the three of us...with Matt and Stan sharing their personal stories and similar feelings.
We were all sharing our nostalgia and longing for a time when you used to be able to open your heart with reckless abandon, before your heart had been wounded, before mistakes had been made, before you became jaded and closed-off to the simple beauty and tender romance of youth. When had our views of love become so utilitarian, practical and pragmatic? Was all-consuming love even possible for us in our 30s? Or was that something that we'd never be able to experience again? Would any of us even want to?
(Any thoughts, feelings or stories you'd care to share in our discussion? The comments section of this blog is always available to you, if you so desire.)
I have a feeling that this is only the beginning of these kinds of fantastic discussions, sparked by unexpected realizations and surprising visceral reactions to seemingly innocuous things.
Inspiration is everywhere...even in the painful moments...maybe...ESPECIALLY in the painful moments.
And that's my method of "scratching," I suppose (as Twyla describes above).
The pain, the emotion, the strong reaction...means that there is something THERE...something underneath the surface, and if I just scratch a little deeper...perhaps we can find something there...a story...reflecting an authentic human experience...and that by sharing that story we can create connections between us. And bring us all closer...and spark some empathy in this world of separateness...some compassion in this world of judgement.
But I'm getting a head of myself.
For now...let's just take a breath and get to Walnut Creek...in one piece.
Loves,
Virginia
"VULNERABLE is the only way we can feel when we truly share the art we've made. When we share it, when we connect, we have shifted all the power and made ourselves naked in front of the person we've given the fit of our art to. We have no excuses, no manual to point to, no standard operating procedure to protect us. And that is part of our gift." - Seth Godin, V is for Vulnerable: Life Outside the Comfort Zone
"You may want something, work hard to achieve it, and in your process achieve something even greater than your original goal. So don't get married to what you imagine is the result of your pursuit, just be involved in the pursuit. Besides, you already have a job. Your job is to be a joyful artist. No one can take that away from you." - Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors
Let's start by revisiting the mission statement of this blog as I envisioned it back in September 2011:
"This is my 3rd year applying to the MFA Acting Programs at NYU and Yale and my 1st year applying at Juilliard. I am blogging to record my process of preparation. From Sept 5th, 2011 to Apr 1st, 2012, I will post 6 days a week on all subjects related to my creative process and my application and audition preparation... Though my short-term goal is to be accepted to the grad school of my dreams, this is but a step toward the long-term goal of building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!"
Did I complete the project according to the guidelines specified above?
Yes.
Do I consider this a success?
Yes.
Did I get accepted to grad school?
The jury is still out, actually...Well, I do know this...It's not Yale and not Juilliard, not this year anyway.
But I am currently an alternate (one of two) for the 2012 entering class for NYU Grad Acting. Soooo I could possibly get a call if someone drops out...even up-to the day before classes begin. OR...I could never hear from them again.
Either way...I got waaaaaaaay further than I have in the past two years that I've auditioned for grad schools...and, more importantly, because of the blog the EXPERIENCE of the entire process was sooooooo much more fun and challenging and rewarding than it ever was before.
Do I consider this a success?
Yes...I'm going for progress. And progress has been made.
One of the other reasons I started this blog, was because I WISHED SO MUCH that someone else had started a blog like this to share their process when I was first auditioning for grad school.
My first year, the process was sooooo lonely and I had NO CLUE what I was doing and I reeeeeeeally wanted to know what the process had REALLY been like for other people that were eventually accepted. I mean, what were they really thinking at the time when they were preparing to audition? Were they really as unsure as I was about whether or not they would succeed at this endeavor?
But I didn't know a lot of people that had been through it, and those that I did know...I was too scared to ask them to reveal all the inner-workings of it all.
And, besides, it's easy to look back in retrospect once you've already succeeded and go "Oh, I did this or that." But what were you ACTUALLY THINKING at the time before you KNEW you'd succeed???...That's what interested me the most.
Were these successful people having the same thoughts and struggles as I was? The same kind of experience? Or did they know some secret that I didn't know? Were those people that had gotten into these programs just as scared as I was that they weren't good enough to "make-it?"...Yet...they made it happen anyway. So if they could do it...why not me?
The nice thing about auditioning for graduate school is...you can keep trying again.
Soooooo when I came upon my third year of auditioning at NYU, Yale and now Juilliard (since they now offer an MFA)...and I realized that I had learned a lot about what it takes to make solid showing at grad school auditions...I thought, "Dude! I could write a blog about this! Ha!" And though I am no expert...I am certainly more knowledgeable than I was my first year.
So I decided to write this blog myself since there might be someone like ME out there...auditioning for the first time...wondering what to expect...needing a little inspiration and encouragement to stay focused and keep their head in the game throughout the process. So if that's YOU...then I wrote this blog for YOU...fyi.
On that note, here is a TIME-SAVING TIP FOR USING THIS BLOG and really makes it easier to use (I hope!)...I've included a "TOPICS" section on the right sidebar. See if there are any words that pop out at you that might be reflective of where you are at in YOUR PROCESS or a topic relevant to YOUR LIFE. Click there. Read. The "TOPICS" are a huge time-saver to point you toward cool subject-matter that might be of interest to YOU.
Happy reading!
Next item on the agenda for today...
Just want to take the time to say THANK YOU to some very important people that have supported me along the way to making this blog exist and to help me in having the best possible experience applying to grad school in 2012.
These folks have racked up some seeeeerious positive credit in their good-Karma-accounts...
First and foremost thank you to my 100 EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS!!! You have been the most active participants in this journey. It is for YOU that I have posted every day. Your attention has kept me accountable to staying-with-it through this process and giving it my ALL.
I have always tried to honor your commitment by sending you inspiring quotes, words of encouragement and my own honest personal experience...in hopes that we can all help each other to pursue our creative dreams in our own unique, authentic way.
Thank you for alllll of your comments and emails over the span of the project. (I read every single one. Bloggers are c r a z y about receiving comments from readers. It is our greatest joy.) I know you've had the option to "unsubscribe" every day. So thank you for sticking with me and continuing your subscription throughout the process. You have made a difference in this girl's life. :-)
And a big THANK YOU to Dorothy Wilcox (my mom) for donating her court-reporting skills and transcribing the interview recordings into text, so that I could post them on the blog for your reading pleasure.
Thanks to the faculty and staff of the acting programs at NYU, Yale and Juilliard. Your job is to create an environment where young actors, like me, can learn and grow and train for a successful career in the performing arts. And all three of your programs strive to do that in the very BEST way for your students. Very admirable. In my humble opinion, it's actor-utopia!
And though I've never been accepted for admission. I still appreciate what you do. You facilitate positive change and artistic growth in young people's creative lives, giving them the tools to succeed and thrive as artists in the "real world." That's AMAZING! Thank you for all the support and guidance that you are giving to the next generation of emerging artists. Our entire world will benefit from this investment.
A special thank you to Robert Parsons for being my teacher, mentor and friend through-out all my years applying grad school and well before then too. Thank you for reminding me that I've "got what it takes" even when I've forgotten what that is exactly. Your enthusiastic support has made me feel like I'm not crazy for choosing this life...and that I WILL be able to support myself financially with my acting-paychecks some day! Thank you for believing in my abilities as an artist and encouraging me to continue to follow my heart.
Thanks to all of the wonderful people that wrote me recommendation letters for Yale, NYU and Juilliard this year. And to those that wrote me letters for my applications in 2011 and 2010, as well. You know who you are! Your support has been essential in this process. Thank you.
Shout-out to Matt Steiner for being an exceptional friend and writing me a very well-timed letter of encouragement that came into my inbox at a very loooooow point in the process for me. He wrote...
"...This project may have felt, at times, like a vehicle to take you to a place where you would then make some great artistic contribution. But, to me, this is the greatest artistic contribution that you could have given to anyone at this point in your life. You've given the rest of us the permission to fail. And in that, you've encouraged us to risk enough to succeed. I'm very proud of you, Virginia. Congratulations."
I meeeeean, could anyone possibly say anything more encouraging than that? Seriously. And thank you, Matt, for collaborating with me in getting my monologues recorded on video and uploaded to YouTube. The whole process was a JOY because of you. Thanks for helping to make that happen!
Thank you to Ms. Brittany V. Green for writing the guest posts about your NYU Callback Weekend. And congratulations on your acceptance!...With a scholarship to boot! You are going to grow sooooo much from the experience! Cannot wait to see what's next for you! So happy that we connected at Juilliard callbacks. Congrats on NYU.
Thanks to all those folks that attended the MIXER and the VISION BOARD PARTY! Soooo much fun. And if anyone else out there has completed a vision board for 2012...email me a photo and I'll post it on the blog!
HUGE THANK YOU to Adam Baker of ManVsDebt for interviewing me for his documentary. I'm Fine,Thanks. It's scheduled for release in Summer 2012. Best of luck with the rest of the filming and editing process. I think it's an incredibly timely and moving project that's taking a time to reflect on the issue of complacency in our modern society. I cannot wait to see it!!!
If you want inspiring new perspectives coming into your inbox every day...I'd highly recommend subscribing to any of these blogs.
Four authors that have inspired me beyond what my limited vocabulary can express: Dr. Wayne Dyer, Anna Deavere Smith, Jack Plotnick and Julia Cameron. You've given me support, guidance and mentorship through your written words. You've helped me relocate my core whenever I've lost my focus, forgotten who I am or what is truly important to me. Thank you for taking the time to write.
Some special mentions...Anna Alaimo, Jessica Raaum, Josh Heath, Haley Pulli, Alexis Jeanene, Dione Rábago, Marisa Abdoo, Claire Kennedy-Vega, Keola Simpson, Peter Evans, Chris Fore, Erin Shaw, Vanessa Nelson, Mary Schneider, Jake DeGroot, Alysha Umphress, Christine Kapp, Clint Alexander, Stephen Kling, Joey Costello, Nick Dothée, Laura Ware...and many, many more...You have alllll allowed me to talk-my-face-off about creative process and acting and blogging and dreams and hopes and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da...and you've all listened and nodded and responded in kind and made me feel like you all care. So thanks for being my friends!
Thank you also...to everyone that has NOT been supportive of this project...to everyone that has unsubscribed...to everyone that has made snarky/judgemental comments...to everyone that has looked at me like I'm totally INSANE when I've told them about what I'm doing. You have made me stronger by reminding me that I am not looking to others for outside approval in order to motivate me to do this project, but that it is my own inner creative aspiration to grow as a human being that ultimately keeps me going.
I have learned that by doing the best job that I can with this project, my commitment to daily practice will result in an improvement of my skills and that by having FUN with the process I am able to release my attachment to the outcome.
The PROCESS is the point.
It is ME I have to inspire and impress. THAT'S HOW TO BUILD CONFIDENCE. So thank you to all the nay-sayers. You've been truly motivating force.
Annnnnnd....Thanks to alllll the folks that have stumbled upon my blog from Sept 5, 2011 to Apr 1, 2012...and to all of you that will read the blog in the future!
Many of you have found the blog through Google or FB or Twitter or a recommendation from a friend...Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to leave comments or email me. I'll do my best to respond.
(You know what totally blows my mind?...Up to this point I've had over 28,000 hits. Wowzers! Who knew so many people would be interested in reading about this subject?! Crazy, right?)
Oh! And thank you to all the folks at my day-job. You don't know how much you all mean to me. And though I haven't told any of you about this project...yet...I love you all and look forward to seeing you at the office every day. My time with you is limited and therefore I appreciate it all the more.
And last, but not least, thank you to the higher power...God...the Universe...whatever you'd like to be called. I know that you are working your magic in my life and I am grateful for your silent protection and the loving gift you've given me...this life. I will continue to try and do my best with all that I've been given every day.
Those are my "thank yous."
So what's next for me?
Who knows?
But if you want me to keep you posted...you'll have to subscribe by email. That way, any updates I post will be sent straight to your inbox.
I will NOT be posting six days a week anymore. (LOL! I need to have TIME to do other things again.) But I will let you know what happens with NYU...for sure. And if I decide to apply to grad school again next year... And...if there's anything else that I feel INSPIRED to post about...that I think might be relevant and interesting to you guys...I promise I'll post about that stuff, as it comes up.
Thanks for reading.
Best wishes to all for 2012 and beyond.
Loves,
Virginia Wilcox
"There's nothing anyone can do to prevent you from reaching your potential; the challenge is for you to identify your dream, develop the skills to get there, and exhibit character and leadership. Then, you need to have the courage to periodically reassess, make adjustments, and pursue a course that reflects who you truly are." - Robert S. Kaplan, "Reaching Your Potential," Harvard Business Review
"Ours is a stimulating world -- often an overstimulating one...we have our families, our friends, our jobs, and our other pursuits -- all potential sources of stress and sensory overload...If "still waters run deep," the noisy rapids of our lives make it hard to be anything but shallow. Our deeper selves are muffled, overtaxed, and overextended. Our sensibilities are stripped of their fine tuning. We become numb to our own responses and reactions. Life is "too much" for many of us...
Our energies are drained not by coping with our output of creative energy but from coping with the ceaseless inflow of distractions and distresses that bid for our time, attention, and emotional involvement. As artists, we are great listeners, and as the volume is pitched too high, our inner ear and our inner work suffers.
When a creative artist is fatigued, it is often from too much inflow, not too much outflow. When we are making something, we are listening to an inner voice that has many things to tell us -- if we will listen. It is hard to listen amid the chatter. It is hard to listen amid chaos. It is hard to listen amid the static of ungrounded and demanding energy.
Contrary to mythology about us, artists are generous, often overly generous. We listen to others deeply, sometimes too deeply for our own good. We are susceptible to their hurt feelings and their pouting when we withdraw, and so sometimes we do listen to them even as our creative energy ebbs out of our own life and into theirs. This creates exhaustion, irritation, and, finally, rage.
It's not that we are unwilling to share our time and attention. It is that people must give us the courtesy of listening accurately to our needs about when and how we can do it...We have the right to determine along what lines we want our energies to flow. For this reason, we may need to draw more boundaries than many people, and those who love us must be conscious that unless they can respect this, they are not a friend at all.
As artists, our inflow level must be kept manageable and we must "train" our friends and families and colleagues at work when and how we need our space, both physical and psychic...
This is why busy executives have secretaries -- to monitor their inflow and keep it from becoming overwhelming to their creative process...
Virginia Woolf said all artists need a room of their own...
An artist requires solitude and quiet -- which is different from solemnity and isolation. Artists require respect for their thoughts and their process, but that respect must start with us. An artist needs to be treated well -- but often we are the ones who must begin that treatment, and one way we do it is by carefully setting our own valve on how much inflow is allowed to come into us."
Julia's world-view and musings on the creative artist's mind have truly changed my life. She writes incredibly honest and nuturing books on creativity.
If you like what you read above and would like to find out more, please check out her website and find something that speaks to you. Pick up a copy or download it to your phone/computer/iPad/Kindle. Her words will help you to enrich your enjoyment of your own creative process...guaranteed.
Be courageous. Speak up for yourself. Nurture your inner artist. Set the boundaries you need.
The crazy-makers will get pissed-off...and those who truly love you will understand.
It’s Tuesday night March 17th. Two days after my interview. I’m at work waiting tables. I had to work a double that day, which any other day would really suck, but today I was glad. It will keep my mind off of eagerly anticipating whether or not I got into NYU.
At around 7pm I feel my phone vibrating. I go to the “phone/break” section of my job to check it. It’s a number that begins with 917… Hm, who could this be? An audition? That’s usually what it is when it’s a random NY number. Maybe NYU? Really? But it’s too soon. I feel another vibration, in my pocket indicating that I have a voicemail. Something tells me to check it right away.
I go into the employee bathroom to get a quiet space. I check my voicemail. “Brittany, hey, it’s Mark Wing-Davey here, calling from NYU grad acting. Maybe you could give us a call? My number is (lists cell number)….Ok thanks very much, take care. Buh-bye”
The BIGGEST smile emerges from my face.
OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH. I KNOW WHAT THIS MEAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSS!! Is it real? Is this really happening? OH MY GOSH!
I leave the bathroom and a co-worker of mine who knows all about my audition journey is standing there. I look to him and say, “I think I just got accepted into NYU!” He goes…” What? Get ooooout!” I say… “No I just got a call from the Chair!”We have a moment of celebration.
But I need to hear Mark say it for it to actually be real.
I call him back. No answer…I leave him a message letting him know I’m at work but to feel free to call back.
I try to go back to working but I CAN’T. I need to hear him SAY IT. It’s too much of a tease!!! I go back to the bathroom and call again. HE PICKS UP!
I don’t remember word for word, but it went something like this…
Mark: Hey Brittany how are you?
Me: Good and you?
Mark: Good, good, listen we’d like to offer you a spot.
Me: YES! YES! (accepting)
Mark: Yea we’d really love to have you, are you interested?
Me: Yes, yes! I am interested!
Mark: Ok good, good We’re excited to have you.
Me: (Oh my gosh excited to have ME?!) Oh, thank you!!
Mark: (chuckles) Ok great, but don’t put it out there just yet or on Facebook or anything, we’re still not done putting together the class. But make sure you let (alumni I knew from NYU) know.
Me: Yes, yes definitely! Thank you so much.
Mark: Yes, you should be getting a call soon about financial aid, and hopefully we can work something out that you can do.
Me: Ok, thank you!
Mark: Alright, talk to you later
Me: Ok, buh bye.
Mark: Buh bye.
I left that bathroom feeling ON TOP OF THE WORLD. I shouted it out in the back of the kitchen and I could hear “Congrats!” “Oh my gosh!” “You got in?!” I started praising God right there.
“Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah! I’m gonna praise Him here RIGHT AT WORK! Thank you Jesus!”
People laughed and cheered at this.
You couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face that night. I felt amazing.
The next moments were followed by, telling those close to me, and making sure to let them know not to congratulate me via Facebook. Keeping it hush hush was sooooo hard!!!
But now it’s Monday March 19th, and the word is out!
Brittany Green is now an NYU Grad Acting Student!!! Thank you Jesus!
Earlier that week I got the call from financial aid and was offered a WONDERFUL package! I was in tears when I got off the phone and thanked God some more! My mother was elated!
And now the journey begins. Gotta move to an apartment closer to the school. Gotta save money. Gotta find roommates. Gotta get a healthy routine goin' on. Gotta figure out how much of a loan I need to take out for living purposes.
GOTTA CELEBRATE!
All week all I could think about was how much my life would change in the next three years. The opportunities, the people I’d meet, the joy I’d have, the challenges I’d face, the growth I’d experience, and so much more!
THIS is going to be the best three years of my life.
God is so good. I give all credit, thanks and honor to Him. If it were not for Him I ASSURE you, I would not have this blessing. The way he has aligned things for me in order to get to this point is only from His works.
I began my journey not even wanting grad school, and now look at me. He placed the right people in my life, guided me to the right resources, and helped me shine the way He knew I could. And I am so very thankful. I am so ready, and so happy to be able to Master the thing I absolutely LOVE to do. ACT!
Look out for me world! Brittany V Green has arrived!!
Yes. She. Has.
Finally!!!! A 2012 ACCEPTANCE story!!! Whooo-hooo! That's what this project is alllllll about!
Congratulations Brittany!!!! Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Wowzers, girl!!! You are sooooo right... Your life is about to change FOREVER. You are going to grow sooooo much from your time at NYU Grad Acting. This is only the beginning...sooooooo exciting! You are totally on your right path and doors are opening!!! Keeeeep going!!! Yaaaaay!
:-)
...Sooooo wish I could be there with you. You are gonna rock that school.
Make the most of every single moment of the journey, okay? I know you will!!! You have truly been blessed.
Sending you all my love,
Virginia
"When you finally get that call, meet that person, walk that walk, and live that dream, do you think you'll even care that there were a few dark and scary moments in a journey that made them all possible? Trust me, you won't even remember. And won't you be glad you never settled for less?" - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe
"The fact is: Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world...Try this for a couple of weeks and see how it changes your reality: Whatever you think people are withholding from you -- praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on -- give it to them. You don't have it? Just act as if you had it, and it will come. Then, soon after you start giving, you will start receiving. You cannot recieve what you don't give. Outflow determines inflow. Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you already have, but unless you allow it to flow out, you won't even know that you have it." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
Dude...the above quote seriously slapped me in the face on my plane ride home to NY from CA.
I was having this whiny moment of thinking..."nobody-really-listens-to-me"..."people-are-too-busy-with-their-own-lives-to-care-about-me"..."I-am-all-alone"....(ya know how it is... total pity party).
And then I read Eckhart Tolle's wisdom...and I was like..."Virginia, if you are busy thinking..."Why aren't people listening to me?"...then, guess what? YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO THEM!...And if you are sooooooo busy with your own life/blog/journey/selfishness....then you are not being present and caring for others!...And if you are lonely, then CALL someone...or speak to the stranger sitting next to you (they may be lonely too)...Don't WAIT for someone to read your mind."
Nobody is withholding anything from you. You're just not in a "giving mode." You're in a "taking mode."
Soooooo stop whining to yourself and get back to GIVING...and AMAZINGLY you will start receiving what you want.
You want to be appreciated?... Appreciate others.
You want people to connect with you?... Connect with others.
You want more love in your life?... Be loving toward others.
You want people to listen to you?... Listen intently to others.
Now...I really wish that this one was also true: You want to get into grad school?... Help others get into grad school.
LOL! :) ...Okay, those sentences may not be quite as directly related as the others.
HOWEVER, if I switch it up, and say... You want your own dreams to come true?... Encourage others to make their dreams a reality.
Yeah, that could work... We shall see!
Hope you'll go out into the world today and give away whatever it is that you think you're not getting.
Try it. It's a "life experiment." See what happens.
Loves,
Virginia
"Behind the sometimes seemingly random or even chaotic succession of events in our lives as well as in the world lies concealed the unfolding of a higher order and purpose." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
"I have to be alone very often. I'd be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That's how I refuel." - Audrey Hepburn
I woke up early this morning, so that I could have a little time for some stillness and solitude in my day. Haven't had that in a loooooong while.
I never used to be a "morning person." But now, I do appreciate the small joys of waking up before the sun...before the neighborhood springs to life with activity.
My schedule is really crazy/busy right now...filled with a lot of stuff that I'm not excited about doing, but that I am obligated to complete. I know that it is possible for me to experience joy, even in the midst of these obligatory tasks. And taking a little time to sit, meditatively with my coffee, in the pre-day quiet, in my cozy apartment...is essential to me being able to bring a joyful attitude to whatever may come my way today.
We get sooooooo busy with our own to-do lists...not to mention all the to-dos that other people expect us to accomplish for THEM...Replies to those emails/emails/emails, pick up some milk at the store before you head home, buy a gift for so-and-so's party, donate to that fundraiser, make plans to meet up with what's-his-name for dinner, pack that change of clothes for yoga class, get those taxes done, fix that coat with the annoying rip in the pocket, clean the bathroom, put away the laundry, start that new project for work that needs to be completed in two days and you have no idea how that's going to happen because you haven't even had time to complete the normal daily tasks, let alone start something new.
AHHHHHH!
Shhhhhhhhh....
Mmmmmorning....Quiet....Breathing....
I tend to feel like...once these tasks get accomplished....THEN I'll be able to really enjoy some well-deserved quiet/relaxation time. But it actually works the OPPOSITE way...I've got to take some quiet time NOW or I won't be able to ENJOY accomplishing any of the tasks above.
If I've gotta pick up milk at the grocery store...might as well pick it up with joy and SMILE at the check-out clerk in the process.
That's what I HOPE I'll be able to do anyway. May fall short...but that's okay too. I'll forgive myself and resolve to smile next time.
Hope you will take a moment of quiet for yourself today...even in a small way...and that investment will give you the benefit of a day filled with joyful accomplishments.
Love,
V
"There is perhaps no more empowering belief than understanding you're always in control of how you feel. Similarly, understanding that just because you're not always skipping through the tulips with joy doesn't mean that something's wrong with you." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe
The past few days I’ve been wrestling with some questions…
What is the point of the Acceptance Project if I never ever get accepted to grad school? Is it just that I have to accept the fact that I’ll never be accepted?
Why did I do all of this blogging…this record keeping, anyway? What’s the point of it all?
And why am I struggling so much with the idea of failing AGAIN to get accepted to grad school? Even though I know that my past two failures have been a catalyst for such amazing personal growth...and have brought sooooo many unexpected blessings into my life!
Haven’t I learned yet to trust that everything happens for my good?
I’ve been struggling with this uncomfortable feeling that the Universe must OWE me something…
I’m like… “Look, Universe…Don’t you see all the work and love and time that I’ve put into this grad school thing…Don’t you OWE me some success at this at some point, here? I mean…HONESTLY, what gives?”
Then I read that poem by Hafiz this morning (above)…and it was as if I was struck by lightning while staring at the page!
“OMG! Virginia!!! Nobody owes you ANYTHING…and certainly not the Universe.”
When my heart is I the right place and I’m able to step out of my own ego…I know that I am REALLY doing this Acceptance Project to “light up the sky” in my own small way...because I can.
“Imagine if the sun needed attention and demanded accolades for its efforts – it would shine only where it felt most appreciated or when it received payment for that life-giving energy! Soon the world would be partially shut off from the sun’s magnificence, and ultimately the entire planet would be covered in darkness as wars erupted over ways of appeasing the “sun god”…Seeing yourself as important and special because of your artistic talent, for instance, is walking the path of ego. Walking the path of the Tao means that you express appreciation for the hands that allow you to create a sculpture...Change your life by consciously choosing to be in a state of gratitude.”
Sigh.
It’s sooooo good to be reminded of these things.
GIVING!!!…THAT’S THE POINT…and being grateful that I have something to give...I am super grateful for that every day.
So go…Go “light up the sky” in your own unique way.
No one else may notice…but you’ll know you're adding your light to the earth…and that’s what matters.
As many of you know. I did not get accepted to Juilliard this year. However, before I knew that...I had already made reservations to see the 4th year's (Group 41) repertory performances.
Sooooo last night at 8pm, in spite of my recent "rejection" from Juilliard...I was back at the school, climbing the stairs and taking the elevator to the 4th Floor to see one of my favorite plays of allllll time My Children! My Africa! by Athol Fugard.
I have a very personal connection to this play because I had the privilege of playing Isabel Dyson at Solano College in CA when I was 18 years old...and it was one of the greatest theatrical experiences I have had to date. I even won a local award for it...a North Bay Arty Award...which, to youthful me, at the time, felt like winning an Oscar.
The lovely, smart and incredibly talented Virginia Veale played the role of Isabel Dyson absolutely beautifully in this production. (Yes, her name is Virginia also.) She is incredible to watch. Amazing presence. I cannot wait to see what her future career has in store!
And her performance was well-matched with the buoyant intensity of Sekou Laidlow as Mr. M and the grounded focus of Jeremie Harris as Thami. The play could not possibly have had a stronger cast.
I love, love, loved the show. And being there at Juilliard to see it...felt triumphant to me in a strange way.
As I was sitting in my seat at intermission, staring up into the rafters and letting myself breathe in the moment and enjoy being in this theatre space that once held such HOPE for me...I felt a twinge of sadness knowing that though they have not selected me for their Final Callback Weekend...that my feelings about the school have not changed as a result...I'm still just as in love with this place as I was last week and the week before that and the week before that.
Sigh.
It was sort-of like meeting-up with an ex-boyfriend and after spending a few moments in their presence...you realize that even though it's over and you know you can no longer be together...that you are still in love with them and cannot help but appreciate all the many details of their wonderfulness...all those little things that made you fall in love with them in the first place.
That was the experience of seeing this show at Juilliard for me.
I cannot deny it. I am still in love. And though I know that I will not be attending the school in Fall of 2012...it doesn't stop me from appreciating the valuable gift they're giving me tonight...The opportunity to experience this great story...being presented on stage with great actors...in this great city of New York...free of charge.
(Tickets to the drama school's student productions are free, BTW,...free!)
I love what they do here and I love the WAY they do it. It's just an awesome place to be.
So...even though I must admit...I was scared to come and see this show...(I thought it might be toooo crushing for me to sit in the audience and watch a show at a school that has just rejected me for admission)...I had to prove to myself that I'm not a "bad loser" and just come support the show anyway.
And I am reeeeeallly glad I did. Because, it made me realize that I can still be a part of this community at Juilliard, in my own small way, even as an audience member. I don't have to be "accepted" to do that. And, if their shows continue to inspire me and make me feel like I want to try again and audition there next year...I CAN! (Juilliard currently allows MFA applicants to audition for the program twice only.)
Or...if Juilliard is really not meant to be part of my life's path after all...I can still love the program.
Once in love, always in love...That's just the way I roll, I guess...with ex-boyfriends and graduate schools alike.
:-)
Still, there could be another lover, just around the corner...ready to sweep me off my feet!
We shall see how things end up with NYU this year. Still waiting to hear back from them.
But the most important thing that I keep reminding myself to do...is to stay open to what feels like the best future path for me. If that's grad school...as I have hoped and have been dedicated to preparing for...for soooooo long....then FANTASTIC. But...if all this preparation and blogging and learning and growing and maturing leads me to some other acting-related pathway...then, I suppose that all of this will have been a valuable and non-linear pathway to my future.
Ain't that always the way life goes anyway?
The process of preparation for these grad school auditions...has given me a great sense of purpose in my life...a concrete goal to work towards. So, even though the outcome at Juilliard this year hasn't turned out the way I had hoped, I am still glad that I auditioned...because the value that I've received from the journey is a gift that I will always have...and this blog, chronicling the whole journey...has been an education unto itself...like no other.
You see...I'm just tryin' to figure out what to do with my life...and these creative impulses I've been given...Don't want to waste my life doing something I don't LOVE. And I KNOW I love acting. So I'll keep moving in the direction of my dreams...of becoming the best professional actor that Virginia Wilcox can possibly be.
Gotta have faith that the BEST possible future outcomes will naturally occur as a result of my continued heartfelt efforts.
Soooo I'm staying open to the possibilities,...loving the things I love,...and trusting that following my true heart is always the best way...even if it doesn't make logical sense.
"Isabel: ...You gave me a little lecture once about wasted lives...how much of it you'd seen, how much you hated it, how much you didn't want that to happen to Thami and me. I sort of understood what you meant at the time. Now, I most certainly do. Your death has seen to that.
My promise to you is that I am going to try as hard as I can, in every way that I can, to see that it doesn't happen to me. I am going to try my best to make my life useful in the way yours was. I want you to be proud of me. After all, I am one of your children you know. You did welcome me to your family. The future is still ours, Mr. M."
Mine was the very last name on the callback list from the Juilliard Drama auditions that morning.
I was one of the lucky 18 selected to stay and audition for the entire FACULTY that afternoon.
As I walked down the hallway toward the room where the other 17 Juilliard hopefuls would be waiting, I tried to breathe.
"Stay calm, Wilcox." I thought. "You can do this. This is what you’ve been working so hard for, right? Don’t be scared. Enjoy it!"
Standing outside the door, checking people on the list was Kathy Hood, Administrator for the Drama Division. She was looking down at her paper as I approached. When she looked up at me her face lit up with joy, she gasped and wrapped her arms around me with a quick hug and said, “Virginia, there you are! Thank goodness. I was so worried. All the rooms were clear of people and we didn’t see you. I was concerned that you didn’t see your name on the list and had left the building! We’re so glad you didn’t leave! Come on in. We’re going to take a photo of you and then you can have a seat.”
I smiled and my heart was filled with joy because one of my wishes had just come TRUE! And not the one you might think...If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you may remember my concluding paragraph in post 34. Recap - Year 1/Year 2 - YALE Auditions... I included an imaginary interchange I was hoping experience someday... in reality. Well, this brief exchange with Kathy felt EXACTLY like that imagined conversation...Slightly different words, but the feeling was the same…Being welcomed, being valued, being appreciated. I wasn’t just a statistic to Kathy Hood…I was Virginia Wilcox…and she was glad that I was here.
And, let me tell you…I was glad to be there too.
After I had my photo taken (Just an awful deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face, but what can ya do?...It’s honest) I took one of the empty seats and realized that I recognized someone. It was the beautiful blue-eyed girl from the subway car! (I will call her Melinda.) I told her that I recognized her from the subway car, that I had spotted her as being an actress right away. She grinned from ear to ear and said, “Really?! Wow! Thank you so much. That’s a nice thing to say.” (I loved her response. She’s obviously proud to be an actor. And that is GREAT! So many of us adopt an apologetic tone when we regretfully admit that we are ~gulp~ lowly actors, but not Melinda! She was thrilled to be identified as an actress! So refreshing! What a joy!)
After everyone had their photos taken we all headed upstairs where they had LUNCH waiting for us. NO JOKE. I don’t know about you, but one way to win me over and make me a devoted and loyal fan for life is to provide me with free food. So that was AWESOME and much appreciated by all. Everyone was starving by this point! !t was probably around 2:30pm-ish.
As we ate... we got to sit around and chat with each other and the three current students who were there to take care of us and help facilitate the callbacks. They were three super friendly and supportive and humorous angels: Mary, Austin & Angelina.
We did some paperwork stuff too…They had printed out sheets of paper for each of us, telling us all of the things that were missing from our application files. I don't know how they managed to do that so quickly. Very impressive. (I need to send in my transcripts. Put that on the “to do” list.)
We were also handed a green sheet of paper with three questions on it. We’d be required to write a few short paragraphs answering three questions, so that the faculty could get to know us better.
Then we were lined-up in alphabetical order (I was last...naturally) and escorted back into the audition room to meet the faculty.
We all stood in a line facing them and they sat in a semicircle facing us.
It was like love at first sight! What an amazing, eclectic group they are.
We got to introduce ourselves first. They started with me.
“Hi. I’m Virginia Wilcox and I’m from Walnut Creek, California.”
And so on and so forth down the line...Like we were in a beauty pageant. Hilarious!
Then the faculty started introducing themselves in a similar manner…which I thought was very equalizing. We were alllll in the same boat together…doing our awkward introductions, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all and reminding ourselves where we came from before we even dreamed of ending up in this room together.
And now… the auditions were about to begin again. Only this time, we were each told what monologue the faculty specifically wanted to see us do.
I thought to myself, “Whaaaaat??? How can this be? Do they really want me to go in there and pantomime cleaning up a restaurant? Seriously?!!! No way...God, I am about to go into that room and PANTOMIME in front of the entire faculty of JUILLIARD….Oh, dear lord. This is about to be humiliating. I am no good at pantomime. I am going to look completely ridiculous!”
My mind was racing as we walked back upstairs to the waiting area. HOW was I going to do my monologue with the adjustment and not forget my lines?...Shudder....
"Never mind. Don’t think about it yet." I thought to myself. "Focus on the next task…writing the answers to those questions…"
I don’t recall EXACTLY how the questions were worded or exactly what I answered, but it was something like this…
1. What is your greatest strength as an actor?
My Answer: Love. Love is my greatest strength as an actor. I love doing this more than anything. And, maybe determination also, I don’t give up. I will never give up.
2. What is your greatest weakness as an actor?
My Answer: Fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being judged. I have been working to overcome these fears…or if not overcome the fear then just learn to lean into fear, rather than shy away from it.
3. Describe an artistic event that has significance to you?
My Answer: I wrote about TEDxBroadway and my deep admiration for inspiring leaders.
I turned in my paper before I could start to re-read, re-think, re-consider and start feeling insecure that everything I had written was all WRONG.
"NO EDITING , WILCOX! Get it on the page and then LET IT GO!" Easier thought than done.
Then I walked over to the food table to get a snack and began a conversation with one particular young gentleman that I am sooooo glad I had the privilege to get to know...even if just for one day. (I will call him Toby.) He’s a BFA applicant…an old soul…sharp as a tack, but with the buoyant energy and imagination of a 9-year-old. This young man instantaneously won me over. I mean, how could I not love this guy? He was homeschooled too! We totally bonded…and shared with each other our fears about sucking big-time on the “adjusted” versions of our monologues. I could tell he was incredibly talented and would be very interesting to watch. I was captivated just by talking to him... I guess that’s what they call the “it” factor or “presence” or “star-power” or whatever. Anyway, what ever you want to call it, he has it…AND he’s a sweetheart too!
As much as I wanted to pre-plan every single move of this “pantomimed monologue” I was about to do, I knew that pre-planning too much would be a total disaster. I knew that my desire to pre-plan was just coming from a place of FEAR and my need to CONTROL the audition and try to get it RIGHT. The courageous part of me knew that I’d be able to survive with no plan…However, since this is a very IMPORTANT audition to me, I decided to compromise a bit and at least give myself a structure to play within.
So here’s what I did… I drew myself a picture of my imaginary restaurant.
If this was really my place of employment, then I’d know it like the back of my hand, right? And I’d have a closing routine of stuff that I alllllllways had to do every night to close down the restaurant, right? So that was my structure...knowing EXACTLY where I am and EXACTLY what needed to be accomplished with my cleaning tasks before I could leave the restaurant for the evening.
It made me feel a lot more relaxed to have clear picture of my imaginary restaurant, with 6 two-tops, a counter with stools, the kitchen on the left and the front door on the right. Simple.
And my routine?...Well, before I was allowed to leave the restaurant…I had to grab a tray and clear all the salt/pepper shakers, wipe down all the tables/chairs, wipe down a stack of menus and if I still had time left over…I could sweep the floor. Simple.
I was finally called down to the hallway outside the audition room. I was "on-deck" and waiting to go next.
Toby was right before me alphabetically. He was in the audition room getting it all nice and warmed-up with awesomeness for me. And, sure enough, a few seconds later he burst out of the room like a prize-fighter coming out of the ring from a win!
I stood by and watched him as he wound-down from the experience…keeping my distance. Allowing him to have his moment, waiting for him to approach me…or not. Then the monitor came out of the room and told him he was free to go back to the waiting area.
My turn.
Now.
Toby turns to me with a huge grin and wraps his arms around me in a big, strong full-body hug, so close and strong that I could feel the love in his heart bursting through his chest and sending an electric jolt through to mine. His belief in me was so deep and true, it made my bones ache. “You get in there and go for it, okay? You’re going to be awesome.”
“Okay.” I said.
He smiled at me with his reassuring grin and bounded away… As I turned to face the door…alone.
Loves,
V
P.S. Saturday's post… Playing games, exhaustion and…Will I survive my “pantomime with words?”
"There are no wrong choices, there's only the fear of making the wrong choices...Every path I take is perfect." - Leo Babauta, ZenHabits
Whenever I am talking with someone and the subject of applying to grad school comes up in conversation, inevitably this question is asked...
"Which school is your first choice?"
Ugh. It's SUCH a tough question. Truly...they are all my first choice...but for completely different reasons.
I am writing my personal statement for Yale right now. It's my second personal statement this year. (Juilliard was the first one I wrote. That was due on Dec 1st.)
Now, as I'm writing about why Yale is my ideal place for grad school I can't help but have this sinking feeling that I'm "two-timing" Juilliard with Yale... SCANDAL! And just WAIT until I get to writing my heartfelt-love-letter-personal-statement to NYU...then I'm REALLY going to feel like a floozy...
Juuuuust proclaiming my undying devotion and loyalty to all three schools at the same time. So promiscuous!
In my defense....They're all attractive to me. They each have unique qualities to bring to the relationship. I would be very happy devoting myself heart-and-soul to all of them!!! (Not at the same time, of course.)
I do LOVE them all.
I guess, it's sort of like writing cover letters for job applications... You commit 100% to explaining why that job is PERFECT for you and why you are PERFECT for the job...all the while... knowing that you're just throwing it out there and the rest is up to them...or to chance or the universe or God or the Tao or whatever you believe in.
I mean...the love's got to be reciprocated for it to be a healthy relationship, right?
Sooooo I guess I'll spread my love seeds to all three schools and see if any of them fall on fertile ground...as it were.
LOL!
I mean, life is going to go in whatever direction that it will. All you can hope to do is...be true to your own heart and prepare yourself to be flexible enough to take the opportunities as they come.... and have as much fun as you can in the process, right?
Anyhoo...
Here's some great inspiration for Yale Personal Statement writing... Just in case you're working on that tonight too... Or in case you're like... "Yale? What the heck is that silly school of drama all about anyway and why is Virginia getting so lovey-dovey about it?"
See below...the world-famous acting guru...Mr. Ron Van Lieu...
And, don't forget about Mr. James Bundy!!! He's a GEM... One of my faves... A truly inspiring theatre professional...
Oh, Yale... I do love you... Yes. Yes, I do.
Hugs,
Virginia
"A decision without tradeoffs isn't a decision. The art of good decision making is looking forward to and celebrating the tradeoffs." - Seth Godin
"If you are doing something that you don't enjoy and you don't have the gratification of success, failure is particularly painful. But doing what you love is itself the reward." - Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project
You know what is the most amazing feeling in the world? Doing what you love and realizing in that very moment... that you truly LOVE it.
Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
Just had the most kick-ass monologue coaching session with Kathryn Bild. Love this character I get to play soooo much! She has so many great ideas! Just saying the words and getting to live truthfully in her imaginary circumstances...now that's my idea of PLAY!!!! Oh, it makes me feel like a KID!
I am seriously IN LOVE with acting.
"Absence diminishes commonplace passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and kindles fire." - Francois duc de La Rochefoucauld, moralist (1613-1680)
It's so funny to me... how my hiatus from acting has made me soooooo aware of how much I relish every single moment that I get to do it now. I cannot WAIT to get back to it full-time and stop renting my soul to big-business-on-Madison-Ave.
Cannot wait to say...
"It's been fun, Madison Ave...Learned a lot from you... but I've seen the writing on the wall. You and I are not meant to be together forever. You've helped me to survive in New York and for that I am truly grateful. But it's just a matter of time before we shall be parting ways. Don't worry...there will be another happy monkey (or 20) to fill my seat. I promise. Soon you won't even remember that I was ever a part of your world. Wish I could say I'll miss you...but I just don't think so. Thanks for the support, though, and for the free lunches and for the memories. Bye-bye."
Sigh...soon... very soon.
"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it." - Hardy D. Jackson
I have come to the realization that if I am going to contribute my life's energy to something...I want that something to be telling stories through acting...not working on Excel spreadsheets and answering phones and administratively assisting.
I could work for the rest of my life behind a desk and be very "successful" and surround myself with comforts and be safe. But... it wouldn't FEEL successful to me. Because I don't WANT to work behind a desk. I don't LOVE that kind of life. I know that I have so much more to give than my 60wpm. I want a job that MOVES me.. that challenges me!!! ... Where I can use my body, my mind, my soul, my thoughts and my brain to BE INSIDE another person's story... thus expanding my own life experience and the experiences of others.
I get so ridiculously giddy about being able to say lines and pretend to be someone else. I am a total goof-ball! It's actually embarrassing how "into it" I am. I mean, I wish I could be a little more "cool" about it...But it'd just be a freakin' lie. I am a total geek. Hee, hee!!!
Acting is so f-ing FUN!!!!!
DO THE WORK THAT YOU LOVE, PEOPLE! Whatever it is. Do it. Then sleep. Then eat. Then do more of the thing that you LOVE. Then repeat. Then take a bathroom break. Then more of the love thing. Feel your blood pumping and your heart opening? Yeah. That's IT! That's your spending your life WELL. Keep going... And then repeat. Endlessly repeat.
Loves,
V
"The best career advice to give the young is, find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it." - Katherine Whilehaen
"People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. They deserve to be loved, anyway." - Mother Teresa
Give love to others... even when it's difficult.
Enjoy accepting love from others... It's the most valuable gift you will ever receive.
Annnd don't forget to give yourself love, too... in your thoughts and in your actions... be loving to yourself.
There's lots of LOOOOvE to go around.
Sending you some of mine... right now.
Feel good,
Virginia
"Never regret love. No matter how blind, it improved your world view. No matter how foolish, it made you wiser. And no matter how generous, it made you more." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe
"There is hardly anything worse than fatigue. It will insult you, berate your performance, cast false comparisons and sneer. Even your worst enemy is not as cruel as a tired mind." - Jennifer Gresham, Everyday Bright
Confession: I have officially over-extended myself... And all the tasks that I'm usually able to juggle in the air are dropping like bombs.
Life feels super sucky and stressful right now. Bleh!!!
I mean, it's not like I'm performing brain surgery at work or anything. It's just that I really want to be spending more time working on my monologues and my grad school applications and I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME right now. UGHHHHHH! It's frustrating.
I just gotta take it moment-by-moment and breathe and get to the end of November and things will all turn out fine. I am hoping that December will be filled with me doing less and getting more of the IMPORTANT things accomplished... Not all this November busy-work that's driving me to insanity.
But in the meantime, I am noticing a reoccurring theme that happens when I hit my exhaustion threshold... I get blatantly, unabashedly, passionately SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.
You may be thinking.... "Ha! Virginia? NO WAY. She's like the QUEEN of self-care."
Yeah, right.
Well, get this... I was craving a cigarette last night... and I don't smoke. I KNOW. SCANDAL, right?
Oh, no... people... it gets worse... way worse. This is a deep, dark secret I am about to share with you...
We've all got our "go-to" self-destructive activities or whatever... those not-good-for-us things we do that help reinforce our already bad feelings about life/self/the world... And this is mine...
~ Gulp. ~ Here goes...
I've got an email from my ex-boyfriend that I have saved in my phone that I allllllllways have the urge to read when I am really feeling self-destructive.
DON'T JUDGE... You know you've got something that's your self-destructive equivalent... Maybe it's not an email... Maybe it's eating a full pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting or biting your cuticles (okay, I do those ones too), but there's SOMETHING...
Anyway, you KNOW it's not good for you, but you do it ANYWAY... Because you don't want to do something GOOD for you... You WANT to self-destruct! There's something soooo self-destructively satisfying about it.
;-p
The ex-boyfriend email one of the nastiest emails I have EVER received. Oh, it is a self-torturer's dream come true!!!...
Put yourself in this scenario:
The person that you love more than anyone you've loved in your life and that you shared your heart/body/soul with for yeeeeears and yeeeeears and the person you thought had some unique insight into your soul and knew you better that anyone else in this whole-wide-world... He is telling you in WRITING that you are.... disloyal, duplicitous, competitive, a narcissist, a coward... that you lied to him, that you used him, that you never expressed remorse for what you "did to him." He goes on....You are a talker and a taker. You can't stand to be alone. You blame others for things to make yourself feel better. You were only interested in him because you weren't otherwise occupied with another guy. He'll never trust you. He doesn't want to be the "back-up-sucker you lean on when you're not feeling good about yourself." And he wraps it all up in a nice bow by ending with...I still love you and I wish you happiness.
#epiclovefail
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kill me now!!! Why do I keep reading this over-and-over?
Wait... Self-Destruction-Fest-2011 does not end here... Ohhhhh, noooooo...
The scorned-woman Facebook message is a close second to the ex-boyfriend email... but I never have the urge to go back and READ that one. Don't need to... I have the most hurtful section MEMORIZED.
She called me a "second-rate cruise-ship actress." OUCH!!!
But, seriously, that REALLY hit me hard at the time. She said a lot of other mean things about my character, but none of those really resonated with me, because she didn't really know me... but the second-rate-cruise-ship-actress thing... Yikes! That HURT.
But it was motivating too... because I felt like I resembled that remark... and I KNEW I could do better than second-rate.
#getyourshittogether
Anyhoo... I stopped falling for cute boys who had "open relationships" and started focusing on my own life and how to move myself in the direction of "first-rate."
Sloooowly, but surely...
"It's often from a sense of discontent, feelings of incompleteness, or even a twinge of true unhappiness that the seeds of great accomplishment are sown." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe
Should I really let these emails go? YES. Yes, I should. But then what would I do in my self-destructive moments? Huh? Love myself? That's not the POINT!!!
I know, I know, I know... I seriously need to go get some sleep. That solves WORLDS of problems in my own head. It's true.
H.A.LT.
Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired.
I know the self-destructive starts to happen when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. (Mostly it's TIRED that's the issue for me.) I am getting better at learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice more appropriate ways to meet my needs and resolve issues in a healthy manner... and not resorting to reading mean emails that will continue to break my heart over and over and over again.
"Being scared doesn't mean you can't make a difference, broken hearts can still love just fine, and feeling lonely doesn't mean you're actually alone." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe
Imperfectly,
Virginia
"Forgive me, first love, but I'm tired. I need to get away to feel again. Try to understand why. Don't get so close to change my mind."
“Most of us go around thinking that not only are the thoughts in our head the truth, but that everyone else has the same thoughts, and holds the same things to be true. This is exactly why people go to therapy.It is to find the things that we take as “truth”, that other people don’t. As soon as we realize that other people don’t necessarily feel the same way, we are freed from the constraints of that old belief.” – Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors
In my on-camera class at The Barrow Group (which has no affiliation with Jack Plotnick, FYI.), I recently made another HUGE self-discovery...
I. Have. Issues.
Lol! It’s true. I know you guys are all in shock at this information.
Fo realz… I’ve got some major negative-thought issues that seriously inhibit my own personal enjoyment of my work as an actor. The end result may be a “good scene,” but at what cost? If I spend the whole time SUFFERING in my own head while doing it, is it really worth it?... NO!
Ugh! Bleh. Torturing oneself with negative thoughts of self-doubt feels sucky and is no way to build a sustainable career. Acting should feel FUN and EASY… and if it feels that way… It’ll probably look that way too.
And by learning how to get these unhelpful negative thoughts gone from my brain, perhaps others will be inspired to do the same. Then we can all be happy, living in our fun, non-judgmental world of creative joy! J Ha!
So here’s my main issue…
When I get overwhelmed as an actor… (for any reason) incorporating new business, new acting notes, new lines, anything that needs to be adjusted on-the-fly with no time for “practice” or “preparation”… I suffer in my own head… big-time… Negative thought over-load!
Why? Because I have this BELIEF that with no time to practice I will never be able to do it RIGHT and hence I am about to FAIL and therefore I am a BAD actor that no one will ever want to work with and my bad acting is about to be recorded on-camera and EMBARRASS me for all recorded time.
~Shudder ~ Terrifying… and TOTALLY FALSE.
Here’s what Jack Plotnickhas to say about my negative overreaction to actor-overwhelm:
““If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical.” In other words, if your reaction to something is bigger and more emotional than the situation really calls for (“hysterical”), then you are not really reacting to the present situation, but to some situation in your past (“historical”).”
Oh, Jack... your bounty of wisdom knows no bounds!
Yes. I am being hysterical and I do know that it’s rooted in some historical s*#t. True dat.
However… I do not have to be a victim to these historically ingrained bad habits of the mind! Cut to Jack...
In becoming more self-aware about my self-destructive-self-talk-issue I can now start to practice seeing this issue for what it REALLY is… an illusion of my own creation.
The REALITY is... I am just as capable of being "connected" in a scene with 2 minutes of preparation as I am with 2 weeks of preparation. In fact, sometimes 2 minutes of preparation is preferable, ‘cause I won’t have time to over-think things and end up too polished and boring. Having 2 minutes of preparation forces me to stay in the moment and listen and react because I LITERALLY don’t know what’s about to happen in the scene. Now... if I can just learn to trust and not be so afraid of the "not-knowing" thing... THAT's the key to having a good scene and ENJOYING the experience of being in it.
AWWWESOME!
So, as Jack recommends, when my self-destructive thoughts come up, I can use an affirmation to disempower the negativity avalanche in that very moment… like…
“I release and destroy my need to get this right... F*%k it. Dare to do it WRONG.”
OR
“I am going to take it from where I am. The amount of preparation I have done on this scene is enough for me to approach this scene as an improv.”
That'll shut my "vulture" up, right quick! And that will lead to...
FREEEEEEDOM!!!!
Now I can play! Now I can be in the scene and not be wasting my energy judging my own performance while I’m in it... which is soooo not helpful to doing good work.
And the more I practice this affirmation technique, the better I will get at it. Until, eventually, I will have created a new HABIT Of POSITIVE THOUGHT and my old, forgotten, negative way of thinking won’t even BE an issue anymore.
That’s what I’m looking forward to… And I’ll get there too...
One. Thought. And. One. Affirmation. At. A. Time.
After all… a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. So I might as well spend my time thinking some really good thoughts and begin to BELIEVE that I am a great actor… because if I don't believe it, how will anyone else believe it?
But more importantly, I LOVE acting and I want it to be an enjoyable experience... always!
Anyhoo, enough about me. What about YOU? We've all got issues... and even if you're not an actor, these same skills apply.
What’s your issue? Is there an affirmation that you can create to counter-act it?
Don’t sit idly by and let fear and negative thoughts control you! It’s never going to help you do anything great in this life. And you are a powerful being with love and talent and gifts to give the world, if you will get out of your own way and let your light shine! Soooo, find your affirmation! Listen to your TRUE voice… a voice based in LOVE.
.JPG)