The CA Family Play #6: Letter From 1950

Good morning, friends...

My grandparents passed away right around the time I turned 16. Grandma Pat loved music and art and was one of the most generous, kind-hearted human beings I have ever known. Grandpa James was highly intelligent, had three Master's degrees (in science, physics and education -- something like that), and was stoic man that didn't express emotion much. They both became school teachers. Pat taught elementary school and James taught high school science.

The following is an old letter that I discovered in a drawer of our family's cabin in Cobb Mountain, CA. It is written from my grandmother to my grandfather prior to their marriage and three children. (My father is their second born son.)

I believe my grandmother was living near Coalinga, CA at the time this letter was written and she must have been about 21 years old. I think my grandfather was studying at the University of New Mexico and was about to be deployed to Korea to serve in the war. That could be incorrect though. I don't know all the details for sure, but it's neither here nor there. The letter really speaks for itself.

Enjoy!

~Virginia

J.Wilcox looking south on Westerly ridge of the Valley of the Moon

November 20, 1950

Dear James,

I've been thinking about us. Prepare for profound observations!

We don't talk the same language. I guess it's really just as simple as that; a matter of semantics. It's understandable, too. We've had different, very different backgrounds and bringing-up. You're an introvert, I'm not, at least not as much as you, though you're not as (much) as you used to be. I'm an idealist, you're a realist (except on rare subjects, no names mentioned).

Besides "bringing-up" in general, our life-experience in particular has been different. I can't fathom your needs, though I try. You don't understand mine, I know you try too. Your heartaches have been far removed from mine. Yet here we are groping around trying to reach each other. Our reasons for even this are different. No wonder I shriek with dismay and you call me stupid. 

Is it profound? At least it'll do till I find a better theory to go on. It's fun anyway to arrive at some kind of theory or postulate.

Hope you have your job by now, since that is what you hoped for. If you go to New York you can expect a letter from Mom with details of what you "can't miss" etc.

Foo on February. (I'm from the hill country.) I'm not going to ask any more questions. All I can say is, I hope Uncle Sam doesn't surprise you along about then.

We have been having diversified weather here. The King's river area is in critical flood condition. Millions of dollars of land, cattle & house losses are a result. (A cheerful bit of news from the West.)

Sorry I have no clever prattle or witty chatter to write. I'll refrain from making comments on your letter in lieu of our recent sordid experience as a result of my taking you to task.

Oh yes, a descant is an obligato or counter-melody, sung by solo voice (usually), against the rest of the choir singing the regular melody. Comprenez vous?

By the way - Please, may I correct the erroneous impressions you have - I do not dislike your singing. And pleas don't apologize for it - it's your gift and I  like it, use it all you can and want to. I'd like to hear you sing to me, for me, at me, with me, or even without any connection with me what-so-ever. Simply, I like to hear you sing. I'm glad you like to, too.

My very best love to you, right out of the top of my heart.

-- Patty


(I love you, Grandma! I miss you!) ~V

The CA Family Play #2: Memory Attack

"The first steps of a creative act are like groping in the dark: random and chaotic, feverish and fearful, a lot of busy-ness with no apparent or definable end in sight...I look like a desperate woman, tortured by the simple message thumping away in my head: "You need an idea"...You can't just dance or paint or write or sculpt. Those are just verbs. You need a tangible idea to get you going. The idea, however minuscule, is what turns the verb into a noun -- paint into a painting, sculpt into sculpture, write into writing, dance into dance. Even though I look desperate, I don't feel desperate, because I have a habitual routine to keep me going. I call it scratching. You know how you scratch away at a lottery ticket to see if you've won? That's what I'm doing when I begin a piece. I'm digging through everything to find something." - Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit

I'm home in the Bay Area now.

"Home."

I say, "home" though it doesn't really feel like my home anymore, though it is a beautiful place, a familiar place, a place that I love, appreciate and enjoy...

And one that gives me anxiety attacks of unexpected memories around every single corner.

As I began the drive from SFO to Walnut Creek, just the act of being in the driver's seat and turning onto the freeway onramp, I was reminded of the hundreds of times I had done that very same thing years ago...only...back then the person in the passenger's seat was my ex-boyfriend...the one I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

"Yeah. That guy, Virginia. Remember him?"

The memories of our 6 years in a relationship together flooded back all at once.

What the heck was happening to me!?

I couldn't breathe.

My heart was pounding in my chest.

My hands were sweating and gripping the steering wheel for dear life.

Adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I gasped loudly with surprise, so much so that my friends and creative collaborators Matt and Stan (unlucky passengers in my vehicle) turned to me to see what had happened.

Nothing had happened...well, not in this moment...But EVERYTHING had happened...years ago. And now, I was OVERWHELMED with the memories of a life that I had once lived, and if I had made different choices back then...I could be living a VERY different life right now...probably still in the Bay Area and probably still with him.

Whew! INTENSE...and very surprising.

I didn't come here with the intention of reflecting on HIM...I came here to think about my family and be with THEM!

"What in the world is my brain doing to me? Why am I thinking about him? Why can't I seem to control it?"

I do NOT like this feeling.

I went from "totally fine"...to "emotionally distressed and missing him terribly," (like I haven't felt in YEARS) in about 0.2 seconds.

Very interesting.

I don't think of my ex-boyfriend very often in my current New York reality and there are very few physical landmarks there to trigger my memories of him.

Sigh.

Painful.

"Well...this is what you wanted, Virginia. To come here and see what happens...Well, guess what? You are having painful memories of a past relationship that ended. THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. So don't resist it."

So I started telling Matt and Stan all about the source of my powerful gasp for air and my memories of heartbreak and thoughts of woulda-coulda-shoulda.

And it sparked a great discussion between the three of us...with Matt and Stan sharing their personal stories and similar feelings.

We were all sharing our nostalgia and longing for a time when you used to be able to open your heart with reckless abandon, before your heart had been wounded, before mistakes had been made, before you became jaded and closed-off to the simple beauty and tender romance of youth. When had our views of love become so utilitarian, practical and pragmatic? Was all-consuming love even possible for us in our 30s? Or was that something that we'd never be able to experience again? Would any of us even want to?

(Any thoughts, feelings or stories you'd care to share in our discussion? The comments section of this blog is always available to you, if you so desire.)

I have a feeling that this is only the beginning of these kinds of fantastic discussions, sparked by unexpected realizations and surprising visceral reactions to seemingly innocuous things.

Inspiration is everywhere...even in the painful moments...maybe...ESPECIALLY in the painful moments.

And that's my method of "scratching," I suppose (as Twyla describes above).

The pain, the emotion, the strong reaction...means that there is something THERE...something underneath the surface, and if I just scratch a little deeper...perhaps we can find something there...a story...reflecting an authentic human experience...and that by sharing that story we can create connections between us. And bring us all closer...and spark some empathy in this world of separateness...some compassion in this world of judgement.

But I'm getting a head of myself.

For now...let's just take a breath and get to Walnut Creek...in one piece.

Loves,
Virginia

"VULNERABLE is the only way we can feel when we truly share the art we've made. When we share it, when we connect, we have shifted all the power and made ourselves naked in front of the person we've given the fit of our art to. We have no excuses, no manual to point to, no standard operating procedure to protect us. And that is part of our gift." - Seth Godin, V is for Vulnerable: Life Outside the Comfort Zone

171. Those Who Truly Love You Will Understand

"Ours is a stimulating world -- often an overstimulating one...we have our families, our friends, our jobs, and our other pursuits -- all potential sources of stress and sensory overload...If "still waters run deep," the noisy rapids of our lives make it hard to be anything but shallow. Our deeper selves are muffled, overtaxed, and overextended. Our sensibilities are stripped of their fine tuning. We become numb to our own responses and reactions. Life is "too much" for many of us... 

Our energies are drained not by coping with our output of creative energy but from coping with the ceaseless inflow of distractions and distresses that bid for our time, attention, and emotional involvement. As artists, we are great listeners, and as the volume is pitched too high, our inner ear and our inner work suffers. 

When a creative artist is fatigued, it is often from too much inflow, not too much outflow. When we are making something, we are listening to an inner voice that has many things to tell us -- if we will listen. It is hard to listen amid the chatter. It is hard to listen amid chaos. It is hard to listen amid the static of ungrounded and demanding energy. 

Contrary to mythology about us, artists are generous, often overly generous. We listen to others deeply, sometimes too deeply for our own good. We are susceptible to their hurt feelings and their pouting when we withdraw, and so sometimes we do listen to them even as our creative energy ebbs out of our own life and into theirs. This creates exhaustion, irritation, and, finally, rage.

It's not that we are unwilling to share our time and attention. It is that people must give us the courtesy of listening accurately to our needs about when and how we can do it...We have the right to determine along what lines we want our energies to flow. For this reason, we may need to draw more boundaries than many people, and those who love us must be conscious that unless they can respect this, they are not a friend at all. 

As artists, our inflow level must be kept manageable and we must "train" our friends and families and colleagues at work when and how we need our space, both physical and psychic... 

This is why busy executives have secretaries -- to monitor their inflow and keep it from becoming overwhelming to their creative process... 

Virginia Woolf said all artists need a room of their own... 

An artist requires solitude and quiet -- which is different from solemnity and isolation. Artists require respect for their thoughts and their process, but that respect must start with us. An artist needs to be treated well -- but often we are the ones who must begin that treatment, and one way we do it is by carefully setting our own valve on how much inflow is allowed to come into us." 

- Chapter 6: Discovering a Sense of Boundaries, Walking In This World

The above is taken from Julia Cameron's wonderful book Walking In This World: The Practical Art of Creativity. I had the opportunity to read and "work through" this book with a group of fellow artists while we were performing in Shanghai, China in 2009.

Julia's world-view and musings on the creative artist's mind have truly changed my life. She writes incredibly honest and nuturing books on creativity.

If you like what you read above and would like to find out more, please check out her website and find something that speaks to you. Pick up a copy or download it to your phone/computer/iPad/Kindle. Her words will help you to enrich your enjoyment of your own creative process...guaranteed.

Be courageous. Speak up for yourself. Nurture your inner artist. Set the boundaries you need.

The crazy-makers will get pissed-off...and those who truly love you will understand.

Loves,
V

100. First Choice

"There are no wrong choices, there's only the fear of making the wrong choices...Every path I take is perfect." - Leo Babauta, ZenHabits

Whenever I am talking with someone and the subject of applying to grad school comes up in conversation, inevitably this question is asked...

"Which school is your first choice?"

Ugh. It's SUCH a tough question. Truly...they are all my first choice...but for completely different reasons.

I am writing my personal statement for Yale right now. It's my second personal statement this year. (Juilliard was the first one I wrote. That was due on Dec 1st.)

Now, as I'm writing about why Yale is my ideal place for grad school I can't help but have this sinking feeling that I'm "two-timing" Juilliard with Yale... SCANDAL! And just WAIT until I get to writing my heartfelt-love-letter-personal-statement to NYU...then I'm REALLY going to feel like a floozy...

Juuuuust proclaiming my undying devotion and loyalty to all three schools at the same time. So promiscuous!

In my defense....They're all attractive to me. They each have unique qualities to bring to the relationship. I would be very happy devoting myself heart-and-soul to all of them!!! (Not at the same time, of course.) 

I do LOVE them all.

I guess, it's sort of like writing cover letters for job applications... You commit 100% to explaining why that job is PERFECT for you and why you are PERFECT for the job...all the while... knowing that you're just throwing it out there and the rest is up to them...or to chance or the universe or God or the Tao or whatever you believe in.

I mean...the love's got to be reciprocated for it to be a healthy relationship, right?

Sooooo I guess I'll spread my love seeds to all three schools and see if any of them fall on fertile ground...as it were.

LOL!

I mean, life is going to go in whatever direction that it will. All you can hope to do is...be true to your own heart and prepare yourself to be flexible enough to take the opportunities as they come.... and have as much fun as you can in the process, right?

Anyhoo...

Here's some great inspiration for Yale Personal Statement writing... Just in case you're working on that tonight too... Or in case you're like... "Yale? What the heck is that silly school of drama all about anyway and why is Virginia getting so lovey-dovey about it?"

See below...the world-famous acting guru...Mr. Ron Van Lieu...

And, don't forget about Mr. James Bundy!!! He's a GEM... One of my faves... A truly inspiring theatre professional...

Oh, Yale... I do love you... Yes. Yes, I do.

Hugs,
Virginia

"A decision without tradeoffs isn't a decision. The art of good decision making is looking forward to and celebrating the tradeoffs." - Seth Godin

98. The Best Kind Of Help

I was sad one day and went for a walk; I sat in a field.

A rabbit noticed my condition and came near.

It often does not take more than that to help at times --

to just be close to creatures who

are so full of knowing,

so full of love

that they don't--

chat,

they just gaze with

their marvelous understanding.

-- "A Rabbit Noticed My Condition" by 16th-century mystic Saint John of the Cross

95. Premonitions Of Nostalgia

"Your primary relationship needs to be with yourself, not your family, business, country, culture, or ethnicity. Affirm: The number one priority in my life is my relationship with my Source of being. Go there first, before any other considerations, and you'll automatically discontinue demanding more of anything else. You'll begin to emulate the Tao effortlessly, living heaven on earth." - Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

I'm not going home to Walnut Creek for Christmas this year. In fact, I hardly ever make it home for Christmas. Historically, this has simply been because I am either... A. working or B. can't afford a plane ticket. However, neither really apply this year... yet, I am still not traveling home for Christmas. Why? Well, this year's reason is a little more complex...

I am staying in New York for emotional self-protection.

I don't know how that may sound to you upon first-read, but let me explain a bit...

My parents were married for 30 years...and recently they decided to divorce. So Christmas at "home" is not what it once was. And being with my family in California brings up a lot of very deep-rooted emotional feelings for me...feelings that I'm still in the process of working through...that our whole family is in the process of working through.

"You should never sacrifice yourself in an attempt to save someone else. You cannot save anyone but yourself. When you make a strong commitment for something important that represents the next step in your evolution, you need to put boundaries around it and protect it from all the energies that are not compatible. This may require some hard choices of cutting off certain relationships, practices, habits and influences. If it does not feel good, say no and don't do it. If it feels good, say yes and go for it. You don't need to know how or why." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

Now, because I'm challenging myself big-time with this HUGE goal that means sooooo much to me (namely, this blog and this grad-school application thing) and it's required a ton of energy and focus for me to stick-with-it emotionally and psychologically...to stay positive and stay motivated and keep myself in a healthy-happy-mind-set...for all of these reasons...I needed to set a boundary for myself to protect this dream and to stay in New York for Christmas.

"Commitment is more about saying "no" than "yes." - Jennifer Gresham, Everyday Bright

I have to protect my energy and my focus right now. I cannot allow myself to be thrown-for-a-loop by things that I know I cannot control. I only have so much strength and have to acknowledge my limitations.

"Don't let the "shoulds" of false responsibilities and expectations of others derail you from being fully present, awake and engaged in what you know you need to do for yourself." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

I LOOOOOVE my family and would LOVE to be able to be there for them right now, but I can't. I have to be selfish and know that they will understand (which I think they do)... or even if they don't understand... that they'll get over it eventually and be excited to see me next year when I do choose to come home for Christmas (hopefully, during my winter-break from grad school)!

However, I do miss my family... a lot...especially this weekend! And it's lonely waking up in my apartment alone on Christmas Eve.

This morning I woke up thinking about the things that I miss...And I realized that a lot of the things I miss about Christmases of my past are things that don't even exist anymore...people have passed away...grown up...moved on...I'm nostalgic about a memory. What I miss most are things that I would not experience right now anyway...even if I was in California for the holiday.

There was something comforting in realizing that I'm longing to re-live the feeling of something that has passed. Because it made me realize that by staying in New York on Christmas, I'm not depriving myself of these things that I miss...because those things only exist in my mind. The truth is...I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

It's also comforting for me to think that... years from now...I will probably think back and miss THIS moment too! I'll think fondly back about that time when I lived in Astoria (now) and was gloriously free on Christmas Day to sleep in 'til when ever and treat myself to a movie...no obligations...no attachments...just what ever I wanted to do...where ever I wanted to go...with whom ever I wanted to be with. I can definitely imagine my future self longing for that feeling of freedom again.

So why not enjoy this moment now?...in all it's complexity of emotion.

As you are experiencing your own "moments" this weekend with your loved ones during your holiday festivities...remember to take-in the bittersweet joy and pain of each moment.. because there will never be another one quite like it. Isn't that both beautiful and heart-breaking?

Life is simple like that, life is complicated like that...and life is precious.

Every moment of  "the now" is a beautiful moment that will never be repeated. 

So don't forget, k?

Hugs,
Virginia

"The reality is that beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. So when you know that there's a constant beyond the present moment's disappointment, you can sense that "this too shall pass" -- it always has and it always will. when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!" - Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

58. Self-Destruction 101

"There is hardly anything worse than fatigue. It will insult you, berate your performance, cast false comparisons and sneer. Even your worst enemy is not as cruel as a tired mind." - Jennifer Gresham, Everyday Bright

Confession: I have officially over-extended myself... And all the tasks that I'm usually able to juggle in the air are dropping like bombs. 

The day-job is kicking my ASS right now. I am freakin' exhausted and have not been able to make time do any of my 5 daily practices that lead to happiness in more days than I'd care to admit. I haven't been sleeping enough. I haven't been writing my morning pages. I haven't been exercising or eating well. I haven't even been doing the dishes!!!

Life feels super sucky and stressful right now. Bleh!!!

I mean, it's not like I'm performing brain surgery at work or anything. It's just that I really want to be spending more time working on my monologues and my grad school applications and I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME right now. UGHHHHHH! It's frustrating. 

I just gotta take it moment-by-moment and breathe and get to the end of November and things will all turn out fine. I am hoping that December will be filled with me doing less and getting more of the IMPORTANT things accomplished... Not all this November busy-work that's driving me to insanity.

But in the meantime, I am noticing a reoccurring theme that happens when I hit my exhaustion threshold... I get blatantly, unabashedly, passionately SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.

You may be thinking.... "Ha! Virginia? NO WAY. She's like the QUEEN of self-care."

Yeah, right.

Well, get this... I was craving a cigarette last night... and I don't smoke. I KNOW. SCANDAL, right?

Oh, no... people... it gets worse... way worse. This is a deep, dark secret I am about to share with you...

We've all got our "go-to" self-destructive activities or whatever... those not-good-for-us things we do that help reinforce our already bad feelings about life/self/the world... And this is mine... 

~ Gulp. ~ Here goes...

I've got an email from my ex-boyfriend that I have saved in my phone that I allllllllways have the urge to read when I am really feeling self-destructive. 

DON'T JUDGE... You know you've got something that's your self-destructive equivalent... Maybe it's not an email... Maybe it's eating a full pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting or biting your cuticles (okay, I do those ones too), but there's SOMETHING...

Anyway, you KNOW it's not good for you, but you do it ANYWAY... Because you don't want to do something GOOD for you... You WANT to self-destruct! There's something soooo self-destructively satisfying about it. 

;-p

The ex-boyfriend email one of the nastiest emails I have EVER received. Oh, it is a self-torturer's dream come true!!!...

Put yourself in this scenario:

The person that you love more than anyone you've loved in your life and that you shared your heart/body/soul with for yeeeeears and yeeeeears and the person you thought had some unique insight into your soul and knew you better that anyone else in this whole-wide-world... He is telling you in WRITING that you are.... disloyal, duplicitous, competitive, a narcissist, a coward... that you lied to him, that you used him, that you never expressed remorse for what you "did to him." He goes on....You are a talker and a taker. You can't stand to be alone. You blame others for things to make yourself feel better. You were only interested in him because you weren't otherwise occupied with another guy. He'll never trust you. He doesn't want to be the "back-up-sucker you lean on when you're not feeling good about yourself." And he wraps it all up in a nice bow by ending with...I still love you and I wish you happiness.

#epiclovefail

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kill me now!!! Why do I keep reading this over-and-over? 

Help! I need my quote of a lifetime!

Wait... Self-Destruction-Fest-2011 does not end here... Ohhhhh, noooooo...

The scorned-woman Facebook message is a close second to the ex-boyfriend email... but I never have the urge to go back and READ that one. Don't need to... I have the most hurtful section MEMORIZED. 

She called me a "second-rate cruise-ship actress." OUCH!!! 

But, seriously, that REALLY hit me hard at the time. She said a lot of other mean things about my character, but none of those really resonated with me, because she didn't really know me... but the second-rate-cruise-ship-actress thing... Yikes! That HURT. 

But it was motivating too... because I felt like I resembled that remark... and I KNEW I could do better than second-rate. 

#getyourshittogether

Anyhoo... I stopped falling for cute boys who had "open relationships" and started focusing on my own life and how to move myself in the direction of "first-rate."

Sloooowly, but surely...

"It's often from a sense of discontent, feelings of incompleteness, or even a twinge of true unhappiness that the seeds of great accomplishment are sown." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

Should I really let these emails go? YES. Yes, I should. But then what would I do in my self-destructive moments? Huh? Love myself? That's not the POINT!!!

I know, I know, I know... I seriously need to go get some sleep. That solves WORLDS of problems in my own head. It's true.

H.A.LT.

Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. 

I know the self-destructive starts to happen when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. (Mostly it's TIRED that's the issue for me.) I am getting better at learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice more appropriate ways to meet my needs and resolve issues in a healthy manner... and not resorting to reading mean emails that will continue to break my heart over and over and over again.

"Being scared doesn't mean you can't make a difference, broken hearts can still love just fine, and feeling lonely doesn't mean you're actually alone." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

Imperfectly,

Virginia

"Forgive me, first love, but I'm tired. I need to get away to feel again. Try to understand why. Don't get so close to change my mind."

- Adele, First Love

56. Just Say No

“The brighter your light, the more you attract… everything. Moths and butterflies. At which point you begin learning what to celebrate and what to let fly on by… or who.” – Mike Dooley, Tut’s Universe

I have a hard-time knowing when to set boundaries in relationships sometimes. I wish this was easy and clear for me. But I am naturally a "giver" and I have this instinct to take care of people and their feelings... even when it's not really necessary or beneficial to either of us.

I’m becoming more aware of this. But it’s been a slooooow process.

I think it comes back to my identity. I see myself as a nurturing person who sees the potential in people. I love being able to see beyond what’s literally happening in this moment, to the greatness that is possible in the future.

But, in relationships, it’s also a big investment of energy to give that kind of focus to someone… and right now… that is the focus/love/energy that I want to be giving to myself in order to keep the Acceptance Project going and to make the progress I need to make to prepare for my grad school auditions.

However, letting someone “fly on by” is not hard if they’re going away all on their own… But what about when they’d like to spend time with you?

And you have to be the one to say… “Well, I work 35 hours a week plus a lot of overtime in the month of November because work is crazy/busy, I blog about 15 hours a week, I try to sleep 8 hours a night, I exercise 3-4 days a week and I am working on preparing the written applications and essays for grad school and the 4 monologues required for the audition and try to have the occasional brunch with a friend. I am really in love with what I am doing in my life right now… and you are just not a high enough priority to tempt me to be a distraction from all of that.”

Yikes!

Feels a bit mean/harsh to me… But it’s honest. 

I just wish I could feel “nice” while communicating that idea… but I just don’t. I feel like I am letting a fellow human being down and I don’t like that feeling at all.

However, not feeling "nice" hasn’t actually stopped me from setting the necessary boundaries recently. I feel mean, but I set the boundaries anyway. 

In action, I have been extremely protective of my time and who I spend it with, but I do still feel a little bit guilty.

I wish that I could be all things to all people. But I can’t.

As a recovering “people-pleaser” I realize that I can only be me and do what I need to do to live my life the best way that I know how in this moment and that what other people want/think/feel about that is really irrelevant.

I really need to focus on taking really good care of myself, because the path I've committed myself to is not an easy one for me.

And learning to take good care of myself includes getting really good at setting limits with others… because nobody’s gonna do it for me… Nor should they. That’s my job. But getting good at it takes practice. And I know it will get easier the more I do it.

Boundary-Setting 101

Ha ha ha! I really wish I had aced that class in school. 

I just want to be able to do what I want to do and not care so much about hurting people’s feelings. They can take care of themselves, right?... Right.

I can still be a "good person" and take care of myself first.

So give me a call and ask me if I want to hang-out… and it’ll give me an opportunity to get over the mini-freak-out that I inevitably have in my own head about disappointing someone I love and  say “No, thanks! Gotta focus on building my dreams right now.”

Loves,

V

“Instilling ethics is a timeless objective. We need to talk about it because it gets into everything we do every day. Every situation gives us a choice, and the key is to have that moral compass that points you in the right direction regardless of the situation.” – Mohammed Aljishi

  

41. Keepin' It Real

"Acting is natural to you. It's what you do, because what you are doing as an actor is just living life. But you are living it on stage. The trick is to live it as fully on stage as you live it when off stage." - Kathryn Bild, Acting From A Spiritual Perspective

YouTube is an amazing place.

I could spend hours and hours watching videos and learning about anything from weight-lifting to cooking to how to re-cover a chair. And a cornucopia of incredible resources for actors are there as well.

This morning I stumbled upon this... Ms. Rachel McAdams' audition tape for The Notebook.

The thing I LOVE about this audition is how honestly she believes that all of this is REALLY HAPPENING to her. She believes it so deeply... that I believe it too. That's brilliant acting... in a nutshell.

And, the emotional transparency that she's demonstrating is an amazing service to humanity. How many hundreds of thousands of people have seen this film and cried along with her at the heart-break of having to leave someone you know you love? As an audience member, it's a beautiful catharsis to see your innermost life represented honestly by other humans. You know you're not alone!!! It's a shared human experience.

Sure, it's entertaining. But more importantly... if you see a certain performance at just the right time in your life... it can also be LIFE-CHANGING.

That's why acting is such a cool job. You get to be a catalyst for other people's emotional journey or thought-altering experience... and you'll NEVER know who you're affecting or how they've been changed. Mind-blowing!!!

I had an acting teacher tell me once that he's only interested in the REAL. Fake is boring. That was his philosophy.

I mean, in life... "fake" people are not my favorite, I must admit. I much prefer "real" people. Real people are magnetic and interesting. And what is true in life is also true in acting.

So don't be fake. Live your life FULLY. Keep it REAL. It may not always be pretty, but it's waaayyy more powerful.

Love,
Virginia

"Everybody has their own way of tapping into their realness." - Sandra Bernhard

 

35. Post-It Note Wisdom

“You should never sacrifice yourself in an attempt to save someone else. You cannot save anyone but yourself. When you make a strong commitment for something important that represents the next step in your evolution, you need to put boundaries around it and protect it from all the energies that are not compatible. This may require some hard choices of cutting off certain relationships, practices, habits and influences. If it does not feel good, say no and don’t do it. If it feels good, say yes and go for it. You don’t need to know how or why.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path

Ya know when you’re happily moving along in your life, thinking everthing is normal and then you get a phone call… and the universe throws you a curve ball that starts you spinning into total chaos? 

Yeah. Well, welcome to my Saturday. 

I know we’ve all been there. Sooo in the interest of being self-loving and giving myself some much-needed encouragement at this moment… I decided to pull out the above quote for sustenance.

In fact, I think I’m going to write it on a Post-it note and carry it around in my pocket today. It’ll be a good moment-to-moment reminder and hopefully help me maintain my sanity.

Me brain is struggling right now to juggle a lot of deep-emotion-triggering new information. Gotta pull out some major inspiration to counter-act the crazy.

This one’s a goodie too…

“Remember that you cannot please everyone and you certainly cannot fix or heal anyone else but yourself. In the area of boundaries, be responsible for what is yours and not for what isn’t. It is very simple even though we try and make it complicated.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path

Complicated? Yeah. How about PAINFUL?! Bleh. Emotions are so annoying sometimes. I mean, I’m glad to have empathy… otherwise I’d be some kind of sociopath, but at a certain point... some boundaries need to be set. Truly.

Breathe. It’s all going to work out fine, Wilcox. No need to freak out. Take comfort in your Post-it note. Go do one or two of your 5 daily practices that lead to happiness. 

Let it be.

Wishing you all a sane Saturday, devoid of curve-balls… or if not… maybe you can join me in some Post-it-note-carrying-wisdom!

Loves,

V

“We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them.” – William Arthur Ward

33. Don’t Go To The Hardware Store Looking For Oranges

“Get out of the habit of asking anyone for anything. Become self-reliant. The truth of the matter is nobody else has anything that you truly need.” – Kathryn Bild, Acting From A Spiritual Perspective

I live in a great little borough, east of Manhattan, called Queens. Astoria is my neighborhood. It’s one of these places that still has little “Mom and Pop” family-owned specialty stores. You buy fish at the fish market, meat at the meat market and bread at the corner bakery… that kind of thing. 

It’s great. You walk in the door at the hardware store. You know what you want… nails. It’s a hardware store. They’ve got TONS of nails. You get the size nails you need and you’re out the door, a happy satisfied customer. Easy.

Hypothetical situation …

Imagine what happens if you go to the hardware store expecting to find oranges... Well, sadly, you’re going to be disappointed, because the hardware store doesn’t carry oranges. And, in Astoria, the guy behind the counter will probably laugh, make fun of you in Greek, look at you like you’re slightly insane or possibly wonder if you're making some kind of innuendo when you ask him where he’s hiding the fruit. 

If you’re looking for actual oranges, go find a fruit stand. It will be a much more enjoyable and successful shopping experience for everyone.

In relationships... 

There are certain people that we know we can go to with certain needs in our emotional lives. I know that if I need a compassionate listening ear and some smart insight, I can call Haley and that’s what I’ll get. That’s just who she is with me. She cannot help but be herself. So I know I’m gonna go away from our conversation having benefited from Haley’s loving heart and unique point-of-view. Expectation met! (Thanks, H. Love you.)

I wish this was only a hypothetical situation…

What happens when you need a compassionate listening ear and some smart insight and you decide to take your vulnerable heart to a “friend” with a social skill-set that demonstrates neither compassion nor insight?Well, you’ll probably be frustrated and end up hurt. Or maybe you will blame that "compassionless-friend" for not being what you expected/wanted/needed them to be for you and end up angry. But why do we allow this to happen to ourselves?  I mean, who’s in-the-wrong here, really?

A hardware store is not a fruit stand and should not be expected to carry oranges any more than a fruit stand should be expected to sell power-tools. Therefore, “compassionless-friend” should not be expected to have compassion. 

Be smart about your emotional expectations. People are who they are.

Hardware store owners sell hardware. Fruit stand shopsmen sell fruit. That’s what they DO… It has nothing to do with trying to withhold anything from YOU. They just don’t have what you need. Accept that. Love them, but don’t expect them to make you feel good about who you are. That’s your job.

Don’t go to the hardware store looking for oranges.

Be smart with yo’ heart. Find a fruit stand.

Love,

Virginia

P.S. Confession… This is another fun lesson in life that I seem to need to learn over and over and over again... Hence the blog-post about it. These lessons can make for some funny stories though… In my life, moments of epiphany can come at the oddest times and involve things like quinoa salad and bbq sauce… but I think I’ll save that one for next time we’re hanging out at the bar. Order me a gin and tonic with a twist of lime… and we’ll swap some of our hard-learned secrets of adulthood.

“If something is not working, don’t take it personally. Examine the situation for lessons and ask how you can be more cooperative in order to shift things. Stay out of martyrdom as much as possible and always take a proactive position.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path

29. Quote Of The Day/Year/Lifetime

“You cannot hold on to unsupportive relationships. Mothers are supposed to mother you. Fathers are supposed to father you. Friends are supposed to befriend you. And lovers are supposed to love you. You get the idea? Their purpose in your life, the underlying purpose of all of them is to support you in your life and your work. If they don’t, or don’t any longer, then it’s outski! You do not need them – on the contrary. If people neglect, belittle, accuse, or abuse you, and you’ve spoken to them about this and they keep doing it, say goodnight, Gracie.” 

– Kathryn Bild, Acting From A Spiritual Perspective

Let go of negative relationships and make room for people that support you in your life. 

Let. Them. Go.

Surround yourself with ((((LOVE)))) and don’t EVER settle for anything less. 

Nuf said.

Hugs,

V

11. =IF(logical test, [value_if_true], [value_if_false])

Okay, guys… Am totally about to geek-out on you this morning…

But I seriously woke up thinking about how the “=IF” function in Excel applies to my life. This is a true statement.

Excel is about as “math-y” as I get. Really it’s just a big, fancy calculator on a grid.

The way functions work in Excel seems magical to me. And I love magic.

So my subconscious is making magical calculations in my sleep? 

So be it.

Let me explain… Stay with me now... 

The “=IF” function in Excel checks whether a condition is met in a certain cell and then, in another cell, returns one value if that condition is “True,” and returns another value if that condition is “False.”

I do this to test my beliefs.

In Excel…

=IF(logical test, [value_if_true], [value_if_false])

In my head…

=IF(I am powerful beyond all measure, [I should believe this statement and live my life as if I am a powerful person that can make an impact for good in the world], [I should disbelieve this statement and live my life shrinking in fear, feeling powerless and focusing only on my own weakness and self-protection])

Hmmmm? Which value would I rather choose? The [value_if_true] or the [value_if_false]?

TRUE! Clearly serves me better. No question.

And this function can and has applied to soooo many areas of my life…

Relationships…

=IF(I deserve to have a loving relationship that brings joy and growth into my life every day, [I should believe this statement and take great care in allowing someone into my life who will love me unconditionally and will allow me to love him unconditionally and I will not settle for anything less], [I should disbelieve this statement and fearfully cling to any relationship, even if it negatively affects my life, because I am lucky to have someone, anyone paying attention to me and the thought of being alone scares the crap out of me])

Finances…

=IF(My time is valuable and I am capable of supporting myself financially on my own, [I should believe this statement and know the specific amount of money I need to make in order to live the lifestyle that feels best for me and continue to search for work until I find a job that will give me that amount of compensation so that I will never have to stress-out about how I will be able to afford to pay my bills], [I should disbelieve this statement and take the first job that comes my way even though it really doesn’t pay me enough to be able to survive but it’s better than nothing and looking for a new job is scary and takes effort so I’ll just stay with this one that really doesn’t serve me because I don’t feel confident that it is actually possible to get paid the amount of money I need to be making anyway])

My Body…

=IF(I have a healthy/sexy/beautiful body that I feel great in, [I should believe this statement and make healthy food and exercise choices every single moment to continue to support the health and longevity of my body because I am strong enough to take responsibility for my own choices and my body is a precious gift that I have been given and I love myself and I enjoy the feeling of satisfaction that I get from taking great care of it], [I should disbelieve this statement and know that no matter what I do I will never be able to feel great in my body so it doesn’t matter that I eat unhealthy because changing my behavior with food is too hard for me and I can’t make it a priority to exercise because I don’t have time and even when I do exercise it never actually makes me feel any better anyway so there is no point in trying because I am just going to fail and feel worse])

Applying to Grad School...

=IF(I am worthy of acceptance to the graduate school of my choice, [I should believe this statement and fearlessly move forward and apply myself doing everything I can to prepare the best way I know how to become the kind of student that I would respect and admire and want to be in class with because I am dedicated and talented and passionate and have gifts to contribute to the world and it would be a shame for me to waste my life away sitting behind a computer for the next 30-50 years], [I should disbelieve this statement and give up trying because I have failed twice already and that must mean that I am not talented enough to get in and maybe I'm not actually any good at acting anyway and trying a third time and failing will be so devastating and embarrassing that I may spontaneously-combust and I will forever be known as that loser who tried and failed three times and then burst into flames of inadequacy and it's dumb to follow your dreams anyway because dreamers are silly people that delude themselves into believing things that are never going to happen and though other people are sometimes lucky and get into those schools I will never ever be accepted and I shouldn't even try])

Yup. 

Jump into my head, people! Ha!

I love the “=IF” function. Who knew it would be so applicable in non-math too?!

And it definitely helps to write out the false statement. Because it always sounds so silly when you read what you’ve written and you know that it’s SOOOO clearly false, but sometimes it sounds true in your head.

Disempower the false!!! Write it out!

Essentially, I ask myself… If this is true, what else is true?

Annnnd… as I am able to make tiny changes to improve one area of my life… those skills, that confidence, that momentum can lead to improvements in the other areas of my life as well.

Do your own logical test. What’s your “=IF” Function?

(Geekiness. Done. Close parentheses.)

((((Love))))

Virginia

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(Williamson, Marianne. A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3])