139. Yale Drama Audition 2012: Part Three (The Five Stages)

(This is the third post relating my audition experience at the Yale School of Drama 2012. CLICK HERE to read Part One. CLICK HERE to read Part Two.)

There were four names on the "End of Day Callback List" from the morning session of auditions. FOUR NAMES.

I'd already gotten further this year than I had in the past two years.

No big crowds of people hovering over the list this time. Just me and a few others...I got close enough to read the names. I scan the list for mine.

No Virginia Wilcox.

I read the names again.

Still no Virginia Wilcox.

If your name is not on this list, Wilcox, you are no longer being considered for admission in Fall 2012.

Oh dear.

C.r.u.s.h.e.d.

It's over. No Yale for me.

(Uh-oh, Brain...Here we go…We are about to begin the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief.)

"The Death of a Dream"

by Virginia (the rejected) Wilcox

STAGE ONE: DENIAL

Wait a minute…This can't be right. What if this is the wrong list? What if this is the hourly callback list?

So I turn to the girl standing next to me… “This is the “End of Day Callback list” from the morning session, right?” If I was about to walk out that door and leave New Haven, I wanted to make SURE there was no mistake and I was looking at the right list. “This is it?”

“Yup.” She nods.

“Oh.” I sigh.

I step back slowly.

No amount of staring at that sheet of paper will make my name appear.

STAGE TWO: ANGER

Damn. This sucks.

Why is auditioning for grad school so freeeeeking competitive?!

Ugggggh!

STAGE THREE: BARGAINING

If only I had done my OTHER contemporary piece…Maybe they would have liked that better? Or perhaps if I had worn the other shirt I brought. Maybe I’m not pretty enough, not tall enough, too tall, too skinny, too Caucasian, my hair is too short, I'm too old…Oh, if only I were a man! There are always waaay more girls auditioning than boys...I should have eaten a bigger breakfast this morning…I should have worked-out more the past few months...Dyed my hair...Taken another acting class…Something…If only they had worked with me, given me an adjustment, then they would have seen that I can take direction and that might have changed their minds...It was the Shakespeare! Had to have been!...If only...If only...If only...

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION

Dude. I suck. I am not talented enough to get into Yale. How many times do I have to get rejected from this school for it to sink in to my thick skull? Who was I kidding? The odds are IMPOSSIBLE anyway. There is no point in trying. Maybe I should just take this as a sign that I'm not meant to do this acting thing anymore...not professionally anyway. 

That angry girl that called me a "second rate cruise ship actress" a couple of years ago was RIGHT...I'm never going to be a REAL actress. I'm just a fake. A "wanna-be." I should give up now. 

Annnnnnnd I have to confess to everyone that reads the blog that I FAILED AGAIN. Soooooooo embarrrrassing. I am a loser. Ugh. Argh. Bleh.

STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE

Deep breath.

Well, it's time for me to gather what remains of my dignity and self-respect and head for home. Thank goodness I have a life that I like to go back to. Glad I tried. At least I won’t ever have to wonder what would have happened. 

Who knows? Maybe I'll try again next year...And REALLY nail that Shakespeare monologue!

(As of 2012, the Yale School of Drama has not set a limit for how many times you can audition for the Acting program. FYI.)

Done...with all those thoughts.

Done...with my Yale audition.

Whew!

It's allllllll done. That was my third and final audition for the "season."

I took a breath. And felt a surprising sense of relief as I walked out the heavy red door and out into the crisp New Haven air.

Have to give myself sooooome credit...'cause I did it. I auditioned AGAIN...and it was a waaaaaay better audition than I've ever given at Yale. And I got farther than I've ever gotten too! That's progress!

Am I disappointed that I didn't make it to "End Of Day Callbacks?" OF COURSE I AM!

But am I devastated? No...welllllll.....no.

I am going to allow myself to have a leeeeeetle bit of a pity party on my way home though...Only natural...all part of the mourning process...

This is how I party...pity...party...

Cue: Sad violin solo

As I walked back to the New Haven train station. I thought about all the restaurants in New Haven I'd never get to try,...the cute little apartment I wouldn't have to look for,...the other Yale students I wouldn't get to meet,...all the awesome classes I wouldn't get to take,...all the shows I wouldn't get to see,...the Ivy-League boyfriend I'd never fall in love with,...and the student loans I wouldn't have to take out. 

:-p

Kidding aside, I can't lie. No Yale for 2012...does make me sad.

But I have to believe that I am needed elsewhere.

There are soooooo many other options out there...I could get accepted to another grad school this year (still in-the-running at Juilliard and NYU)...or maybe this isn't "my year" for grad school after all (there's always next year)...or maybe there's some other creative job or opportunity in store for me in 2012 that's even BETTER...something incredibly wonderful...not yet seen or anticipated.

I mean, after got rejected from both NYU and Yale last year...I NEVER THOUGHT I'd be writing a blog about auditioning for grad school for a third time. And this has been the most fun and challenging project ever! Sooooo it's good. It's alllllll good.

What happened at today's audition was exactly what was SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. (Mediocre Shakespeare monologue and all!)

Rejection is God's protection, right? So Yale's not the right place for me right now. And I have to trust that...as much as it may hurt my ego in this moment...I mean, everybody wants to "win the prize," right? To be the favored one...To be selected out of the massive crowd! 

But when you're not selected...you have to reflect...and ask yourself...Am I sad that I didn't get into Yale because I really wanted to be there...Or am I sad just 'cause I didn't WIN? 

Sometimes I just wanna win,...ya know?

Can't get down on myself for not "making it." I know I did my best. I have no control over Ron and Walton's personal preferences. (Jack Plotnick has an awesome article about how to deal with it when casting people "don't like you." I highly recommend that you CLICK HERE to read it.) 

Deep down, I know that I've still got a lot to offer the world as an artist and I'm excited about being able to give my love, my passion and my creativity to a community of people that will want me as a collaborator. So I'll stay open to those opportunities...No matter where they may come from!

Annnnd when I want a little after-party-pity-party...It's nice to take comfort in some familiar things...Like a strong shoulder to rest my head on...listening to Jason Mraz on my iPhone...writing in my journal...emails and FB comments from supportive friends like YOU...who have been cheering me on and encouraging me allll along the way...and will love me no matter what happens at the end of this project...grad school acceptance 2012 or no. That's comforting.

For today, I am allowing myself the time to mourn the loss of my Yale dream.

I'm allowed that. It's only natural.

But I do know (from past experience)...that I will survive...and in retrospect...I will probably look back on this and say, "Wow. NOT getting into Yale was the BEST thing that's never happened to me."

Sending you all big love for 2012 and beyond. Onward and upward!

Loves,

Virginia

P.S. I would love for someone to volunteer to do a GUEST POST ABOUT YALE CALLBACKS. So if you or anyone you know makes it to the final callback weekend at Yale, send me an email at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com, and we can discuss a guest post opportunity. I would LOVE to be able to feature your Yale experience on the blog! (You could even do it anonymously, if you're shy.) It'd be sooooooo awesome to have an account of Yale Callbacks to "round-out" the Acceptance Project! Spread the word! Thanks for your help, guys!

111. Help Is On The Way

Listen.

Loves,
V

P.S. Did my non-Shakespeare classical monologue for my friend W. Did it for her a second time. She said the second time was better than the first. How do you get the first time to be just as good as the second? Because I don't get a second try at the audition... Wait a minute... Wrong question... Let me re-frame this... How do I let go of my need for it to be good? That's a better question.

107. Commitment Device

"The best way to practice is by trying over and over again until you stop failing miserably." - Caleb Wojcik, Expert Enough

Commitment Device: a means with which to lock yourself into a course of action that you might not otherwise choose but that produces a desired result


The overriding and super-de-duper main important reason that I created this blog back in September was as a "COMMITMENT DEVICE" for my grad school preparation.

Second reason for blogging...it'd help me to connect with a supportive community of loved-ones and friends so I wouldn't feel so freakin' alone in this stretching-myself-in-the-pursuit-of-a-crazy-dream-ness.

Third reason for blogging...it scared the buh-jeezus out of me, the idea of committing myself to writing stuff that people would actually READ every day!

So I knew I HAD to go for it and do the blog, since it was something that frightened me. Because leaning into that fear...rather than shying away from it...would leave me with a feeling of ROCKSTAR-ishness...in that tippy-tapping-away-at-my-keyboard-blogging kind of way. And no, not because blogging is super cool...but because OVERCOMING YOUR FEAR is super cool.

Sooooo, I am going to continue to use this blog for its original purpose and publicly COMMIT to doing something that will help me overcome another fear: asking people if I can practice my monologues in front of them.

Non-actors may be thinking... "What's the big deal? You're an actor, Virginia. That's what you DO. Why would you be afraid of asking people to do your monologues in front of them? I'm sure they'd be fine with it."

Yeah, I'm sure THEY would be fine with it, but I get EMBARRASSED to put myself out there like that.

For example... imagine this awkwardness... You know that you reeeeeeally need to practice this monologue in order to be able to feel prepared for your grad school auditions...and reciting it alone in your room is NOT the same experience as speaking the words to another actual human and then reacting to what they're giving you in the moment... And you're sitting at lunch with a friend and you're talking about...I don't know... the weather...or whatever and then you pipe-in with, "Hey friend,...Was just wondering if you might be willing to do me a favor? I need to practice my monologues for grad school auditions. Would you mind if I did one of them for you right now...sitting here...in this restaurant...in public...where people can see and judge and the waitress might come by to fill your water glass as I get to the tearful part?"

PAUSE.

Ahhhhhhh! Does this sound like an awkwardly terrifying prospect to anyone else?

Potentially very embarrassing.

I want to practice my monologues and I want to have the courage to do what I need to do and not care how ridiculous I may end up sounding/looking/feeling, but how do I get over my resistance and fear!?

Here's what I like to ask myself in these types of moments (totally stole this from Tim Ferris BTW)...

"What are the worst case scenarios and how will you deal with them?"

Worst case scenario #1: My friend says YES
a. I do my monologue in front of her and she thinks it's terrible and tells me so to my face. I feel embarrassed.
b. I do my monologue in front of her and she thinks it's awesome and tells me so to my face. I feel embarrassed.
c. I do my monologue in front of her and the guy at the table next to us decides to chime-in with his opinion of my work. I feel angry. "Don't be rude and butt-in. I know this is a small restaurant, but at least pretend like you're paying attention to your soup and not to the conversation of the people at the table next to you. Be courteous."

Worst case scenario 2: My friend says NO
I feel a great sense of relief and then resolve to ask someone else to watch my monologues that day. Rejection is God's protection. (That's my new favorite phrase.) For whatever reason, my friend knows that they can't be an appropriate audience for me at this time. So I won't take it personally and I'll take the cue from the universe that there will be someone else out there to help me today...Or as I like to remind myself...Don't go to the hardware store looking for oranges.

Will I survive all of these worst case scenarios? Yes.

Are any of them that bad? No.

I feel like it helps to dis-empower the fears by actually writing them out.

Soooooo, anyway, I'm going to be writing a "P.S." about my experience doing this monologue practice thing every day until I my NYU audition on Jan 22.

PASSION!!! COMMITMENT!!! ACTION!!! That's what leads to success!

Right? Of course, right!

Loves,
V

P.S. Did a contemporary monologue for my friend B. We were sitting at a table in an Italian restaurant. It felt sooooo scary to ask him to be my monologue scene partner. But he was totally supportive and readily agreed. I directed the monologue straight to him. It started out a little wonky, but by the time I got rolling with it...it felt GREAT! I was sooooo happy to get to share the piece with him. He was very surprised by some of the dialogue and made some great faces in reaction to me. It was hilarious! Way fun! It definitely helped me feel less afraid of tackling that monologue in an odd situation again. YAY!

"Don't worry about how bad you do the first time. You learned to walk as a child by continually falling on your face trying to take your first steps. Life is the same way." - Caleb Wojcik, Expert Enough

98. The Best Kind Of Help

I was sad one day and went for a walk; I sat in a field.

A rabbit noticed my condition and came near.

It often does not take more than that to help at times --

to just be close to creatures who

are so full of knowing,

so full of love

that they don't--

chat,

they just gaze with

their marvelous understanding.

-- "A Rabbit Noticed My Condition" by 16th-century mystic Saint John of the Cross