180. Last Post Of The Project

"You may want something, work hard to achieve it, and in your process achieve something even greater than your original goal. So don't get married to what you imagine is the result of your pursuit, just be involved in the pursuit. Besides, you already have a job. Your job is to be a joyful artist. No one can take that away from you." - Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors

Let's start by revisiting the mission statement of this blog as I envisioned it back in September 2011:

"This is my 3rd year applying to the MFA Acting Programs at NYU and Yale and my 1st year applying at Juilliard. I am blogging to record my process of preparation. From Sept 5th, 2011 to Apr 1st, 2012, I will post 6 days a week on all subjects related to my creative process and my application and audition preparation... Though my short-term goal is to be accepted to the grad school of my dreams, this is but a step toward the long-term goal of building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!"

Did I complete the project according to the guidelines specified above?

Yes.

Do I consider this a success?

Yes.

Did I get accepted to grad school?

The jury is still out, actually...Well, I do know this...It's not Yale and not Juilliard, not this year anyway.

But I am currently an alternate (one of two) for the 2012 entering class for NYU Grad Acting. Soooo I could possibly get a call if someone drops out...even up-to the day before classes begin. OR...I could never hear from them again.

Either way...I got waaaaaaaay further than I have in the past two years that I've auditioned for grad schools...and, more importantly, because of the blog the EXPERIENCE of the entire process was sooooooo much more fun and challenging and rewarding than it ever was before.

Do I consider this a success?

Yes...I'm going for progress. And progress has been made.

One of the other reasons I started this blog, was because I WISHED SO MUCH that someone else had started a blog like this to share their process when I was first auditioning for grad school.

My first year, the process was sooooo lonely and I had NO CLUE what I was doing and I reeeeeeeally wanted to know what the process had REALLY been like for other people that were eventually accepted. I mean, what were they really thinking at the time when they were preparing to audition? Were they really as unsure as I was about whether or not they would succeed at this endeavor?

But I didn't know a lot of people that had been through it, and those that I did know...I was too scared to ask them to reveal all the inner-workings of it all.

And, besides, it's easy to look back in retrospect once you've already succeeded and go "Oh, I did this or that." But what were you ACTUALLY THINKING at the time before you KNEW you'd succeed???...That's what interested me the most.

Were these successful people having the same thoughts and struggles as I was? The same kind of experience? Or did they know some secret that I didn't know? Were those people that had gotten into these programs just as scared as I was that they weren't good enough to "make-it?"...Yet...they made it happen anyway. So if they could do it...why not me?

The nice thing about auditioning for graduate school is...you can keep trying again.

2010 = 1st year of auditioning at NYU &  Yale  = calledback at NYU, but not accepted

2011 = 2nd year of auditioning at NYU & Yale = waitlisted at NYU, but not accepted

Soooooo when I came upon my third year of auditioning at NYU, Yale and now Juilliard (since they now offer an MFA)...and I realized that I had learned a lot about what it takes to make solid showing at grad school auditions...I thought, "Dude! I could write a blog about this! Ha!" And though I am no expert...I am certainly more knowledgeable than I was my first year.

So I decided to write this blog myself since there might be someone like ME out there...auditioning for the first time...wondering what to expect...needing a little inspiration and encouragement to stay focused and keep their head in the game throughout the process. So if that's YOU...then I wrote this blog for YOU...fyi.

On that note, here is a TIME-SAVING TIP FOR USING THIS BLOG and really makes it easier to use (I hope!)...I've included a "TOPICS" section on the right sidebar. See if there are any words that pop out at you that might be reflective of where you are at in YOUR PROCESS or a topic relevant to YOUR LIFE. Click there. Read. The "TOPICS" are a huge time-saver to point you toward cool subject-matter that might be of interest to YOU.

Happy reading!

Next item on the agenda for today...

Just want to take the time to say THANK YOU to some very important people that have supported me along the way to making this blog exist and to help me in having the best possible experience applying to grad school in 2012.

These folks have racked up some seeeeerious positive credit in their good-Karma-accounts...

First and foremost thank you to my 100 EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS!!! You have been the most active participants in this journey. It is for YOU that I have posted every day. Your attention has kept me accountable to staying-with-it through this process and giving it my ALL.

I have always tried to honor your commitment by sending you inspiring quotes, words of encouragement and my own honest personal experience...in hopes that we can all help each other to pursue our creative dreams in our own unique, authentic way.

Thank you for alllll of your comments and emails over the span of the project. (I read every single one. Bloggers are c r a z y about receiving comments from readers. It is our greatest joy.) I know you've had the option to "unsubscribe" every day. So thank you for sticking with me and continuing your subscription throughout the process. You have made a difference in this girl's life. :-)

And thank you to...

Kathryn Bild (my monologue coach and author of my favorite acting book Acting From A Spiritual Perspective)

Adam Gilbert (MyBodyTutor and blogging inspiration)

Dylan Patrick (NYC headshot photographer, who does ammmmmazing work at a totally affordable price and is one of the nicest people you've ever met)

My four friends that agreed to let me interview them and post their words-of-wisdom on the blog:

• Daniel Talbott (Alumni of Juilliard...Actor, director, playwright, producer, literary manager, and artistic director of Rising Phoenix Rep in NYC)
• Bryce Pinkham (Alumni of Yale...Now starring in Ghost: The Musical on Broadway)
• Jeremy Rishe (Alumni of NYU...Actor, producer, director, and co-creator of the web series First World Problem)
• Julie Alexandria (Self-made girl...Actress, host and television personality who specializes in Sports, Pop Culture, Fashion, and all things Geek-tastic.)

And a big THANK YOU to Dorothy Wilcox (my mom) for donating her court-reporting skills and transcribing the interview recordings into text, so that I could post them on the blog for your reading pleasure.

Thanks to the faculty and staff of the acting programs at NYU, Yale and Juilliard. Your job is to create an environment where young actors, like me, can learn and grow and train for a successful career in the performing arts. And all three of your programs strive to do that in the very BEST way for your students. Very admirable. In my humble opinion, it's actor-utopia!

And though I've never been accepted for admission. I still appreciate what you do. You facilitate positive change and artistic growth in young people's creative lives, giving them the tools to succeed and thrive as artists in the "real world." That's AMAZING! Thank you for all the support and guidance that you are giving to the next generation of emerging artists. Our entire world will benefit from this investment.

A special thank you to Robert Parsons for being my teacher, mentor and friend through-out all my years applying grad school and well before then too. Thank you for reminding me that I've "got what it takes" even when I've forgotten what that is exactly. Your enthusiastic support has made me feel like I'm not crazy for choosing this life...and that I WILL be able to support myself financially with my acting-paychecks some day! Thank you for believing in my abilities as an artist and encouraging me to continue to follow my heart.

Thanks to all of the wonderful people that wrote me recommendation letters for Yale, NYU and Juilliard this year. And to those that wrote me letters for my applications in 2011 and 2010, as well. You know who you are! Your support has been essential in this process. Thank you.

Shout-out to Matt Steiner for being an exceptional friend and writing me a very well-timed letter of encouragement that came into my inbox at a very loooooow point in the process for me. He wrote...

"...This project may have felt, at times, like a vehicle to take you to a place where you would then make some great artistic contribution. But, to me, this is the greatest artistic contribution that you could have given to anyone at this point in your life. You've given the rest of us the permission to fail. And in that, you've encouraged us to risk enough to succeed. I'm very proud of you, Virginia. Congratulations." 

I meeeeean, could anyone possibly say anything more encouraging than that? Seriously. And thank you, Matt, for collaborating with me in getting my monologues recorded on video and uploaded to YouTube. The whole process was a JOY because of you. Thanks for helping to make that happen!

Thank you to Ms. Brittany V. Green for writing the guest posts about your NYU Callback Weekend. And congratulations on your acceptance!...With a scholarship to boot! You are going to grow sooooo much from the experience! Cannot wait to see what's next for you! So happy that we connected at Juilliard callbacks. Congrats on NYU.

Thanks to all those folks that attended the MIXER and the VISION BOARD PARTY! Soooo much fun. And if anyone else out there has completed a vision board for 2012...email me a photo and I'll post it on the blog!

HUGE THANK YOU to Adam Baker of ManVsDebt for interviewing me for his documentary. I'm Fine,Thanks. It's scheduled for release in Summer 2012. Best of luck with the rest of the filming and editing process. I think it's an incredibly timely and moving project that's taking a time to reflect on the issue of complacency in our modern society. I cannot wait to see it!!!

And thanks to alll of the other bloggers that have inspired me with their incredible words of wisdom...I don't think I've ever commented on a single one of your blogs...but you've changed my life anyway...by sharing your experiences online. You're in my inbox daily. I am grateful to: Zen Habits, Everyday Bright, Happiness Project, Seth Godin, Ramit Sethi, Jonathan Fields, Stephen Pressfield and Ken Davenport.

If you want inspiring new perspectives coming into your inbox every day...I'd highly recommend subscribing to any of these blogs.

Four authors that have inspired me beyond what my limited vocabulary can express: Dr. Wayne Dyer, Anna Deavere Smith, Jack Plotnick and Julia Cameron. You've given me support, guidance and mentorship through your written words. You've helped me relocate my core whenever I've lost my focus, forgotten who I am or what is truly important to me. Thank you for taking the time to write.

Some special mentions...Anna Alaimo, Jessica Raaum, Josh Heath, Haley Pulli, Alexis Jeanene, Dione Rábago, Marisa Abdoo, Claire Kennedy-Vega, Keola Simpson, Peter Evans, Chris Fore, Erin Shaw, Vanessa Nelson, Mary Schneider, Jake DeGroot, Alysha Umphress, Christine Kapp, Clint Alexander, Stephen Kling, Joey Costello, Nick Dothée, Laura Ware...and many, many more...You have alllll allowed me to talk-my-face-off about creative process and acting and blogging and dreams and hopes and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da...and you've all listened and nodded and responded in kind and made me feel like you all care. So thanks for being my friends!

Thank you also...to everyone that has NOT been supportive of this project...to everyone that has unsubscribed...to everyone that has made snarky/judgemental comments...to everyone that has looked at me like I'm totally INSANE when I've told them about what I'm doing. You have made me stronger by reminding me that I am not looking to others for outside approval in order to motivate me to do this project, but that it is my own inner creative aspiration to grow as a human being that ultimately keeps me going.

I have learned that by doing the best job that I can with this project, my commitment to daily practice will result in an improvement of my skills and that by having FUN with the process I am able to release my attachment to the outcome.

The PROCESS is the point.

It is ME I have to inspire and impress. THAT'S HOW TO BUILD CONFIDENCE. So thank you to all the nay-sayers. You've been truly motivating force.

Annnnnnd....Thanks to alllll the folks that have stumbled upon my blog from Sept 5, 2011 to Apr 1, 2012...and to all of you that will read the blog in the future!


Many of you have found the blog through Google or FB or Twitter or a recommendation from a friend...Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to leave comments or email me. I'll do my best to respond.

(You know what totally blows my mind?...Up to this point I've had over 28,000 hits. Wowzers! Who knew so many people would be interested in reading about this subject?! Crazy, right?)

Oh! And thank you to all the folks at my day-job. You don't know how much you all mean to me. And though I haven't told any of you about this project...yet...I love you all and look forward to seeing you at the office every day. My time with you is limited and therefore I appreciate it all the more.

And last, but not least, thank you to the higher power...God...the Universe...whatever you'd like to be called. I know that you are working your magic in my life and I am grateful for your silent protection and the loving gift you've given me...this life. I will continue to try and do my best with all that I've been given every day.

Those are my "thank yous."


So what's next for me?

Who knows?

But if you want me to keep you posted...you'll have to subscribe by email. That way, any updates I post will be sent straight to your inbox.

I will NOT be posting six days a week anymore. (LOL! I need to have TIME to do other things again.) But I will let you know what happens with NYU...for sure. And if I decide to apply to grad school again next year... And...if there's anything else that I feel INSPIRED to post about...that I think might be relevant and interesting to you guys...I promise I'll post about that stuff, as it comes up.

Thanks for reading.

Best wishes to all for 2012 and beyond.

Loves,
Virginia Wilcox

"There's nothing anyone can do to prevent you from reaching your potential; the challenge is for you to identify your dream, develop the skills to get there, and exhibit character and leadership. Then, you need to have the courage to periodically reassess, make adjustments, and pursue a course that reflects who you truly are." - Robert S. Kaplan, "Reaching Your Potential," Harvard Business Review

P.S. I'll leave you with this...

(Thanks, NKD.)

172. Looking Forward

"Nobody can tell you who you are. It would just be another concept, so it would not change you. Who you are requires no belief. In fact, every belief is an obstacle. It does not even require your realization, since you already are who you are. But without realization, who you are does not shine forth into this world... You are like an apparently poor person who does not know he has a bank account with $100 million in it and so his wealth remains an unexpressed potential." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Letting go of a belief is a hard process.

I've believed for a looooooong time that the BEST POSSIBLE NEXT STEP on my career path would be to attend Yale, NYU or Juilliard. There were many, many factors that lead me to this belief, some of which you can read about by CLICKING HERE.

In the past two years, when auditioning for grad school, I allllllways felt like I had held something back...That I was so intent on "getting in" and impressing them, that I wasn't able to show my true self. I was too scared to be vulnerable. I kept trying again because I knew that I could do better, because I had never really been able to let go of my fear that I am truly unworthy of acceptance to one of these top schools...and so, I think I was unconsciously sabotaging my performance.

But this year, I can HONESTLY say that I changed my belief and chose to GIVE MY ALL. I cannot IMAGINE being better prepared or more ready to be in-the-moment and play. And because of my blogging 6-days-a-week...I also knew exactly WHY I wanted to be there and felt confident articulating that....to anyone willing to listen. ;-p

And my auditions went incredibly well. I made it through "the first cut" at all three schools, including Yale (which was a major accomplishment, since I'd never gotten that far before). And I am thrilled to say that I made it to the "end of the day" at both my NYU Grad Acting audition and my Juilliard audition.

This year I felt like I had completely held up my end of the bargain. I did my VERY BEST...and left the rest up to the universe.

And apparently...the universe has other plans for me than attending grad school, since I did not make it to final callbacks for any of these schools.

So now...I'm having to take a good look at my belief...Is grad school really the best possible next step for me?

What else is possible for me?

Am I ready to let go of my grad school dreams?

Or do I want to try auditioning again next year?

What are the other avenues I could pursue to attain my overarching goal?...Building a life/career that will be joyful, sustainable, creatively fulfilling, profitable, challenging, of service and FUN!

I don't know the answers to any of these questions yet...Nor do I need to.

But I do think they're very important questions to be asking myself at this point.

I do know that I am soooooo tired of pursuing this dream alone. I need EXPERT GUIDANCE and MENTORSHIP to make my dreams a reality...

"As artists, we are open-minded but we need not be gullible. Many of the  people purporting to be able to help us shape our craft have very little experience with crafting something themselves. What we are looking for is people who have done what we want to do -- not someone who has watched others do it...When "help" is volunteered, we must be certain it is timely and actually helpful." - Julia Cameron, Walking In This World

So if you know someone in New York that might be a good mentor for me...Someone that is currently thriving as an creative person, making an abundant living as an actor in theatre/tv/film/voiceover, has a fantabulous relationship with their agent and is fearless, has a positive out-look on life and is interested in mentoring a highly-motivated and dedicated young actress/blogger named Virginia Wilcox...please email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. I will consider all applicants. :-)

I do believe that a solid relationship with a mentor would help me immensely.

Do I believe that I can have the kind of successful career as an actor that I've been dreaming of...without an MFA from Yale, Juilliard or NYU?....Hmmmm. That's a good question.

I guess the honest answer for right now is...no...I do not believe that I will do as well in my career without the experience of earning an MFA from one of these schools and becoming a valued member of the artistic communities associated with these institutions.

Soooooo gotta look at changing that belief perhaps! Because if I don't believe it's possible...it ain't gonna happen.

Whatever does happen next...I know it will be joyful...and good...if I allow it to be. 

My life is unfolding just the way it's supposed to...even though it's certainly not happening the way I had hoped or planned.

"It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end." - Ursula K. Le Guin 

I'm okay. I am having fun with the journey! 

And I am happy that on April 1st I will be able to say that I've SUCCESSFULLY completed exactly what I set out to do: write 180 blog posts about my creative process of applying to grad school for the third time. That's a truly unique accomplishment...and out of the thousands of people that auditioned for grad school this year, I can confidently say that I'm the only one who's done THAT...It may be a weird to have a blog about auditioning for grad school, but I think it was worth it. It's been an incredible commitment device. I see the value in it anyway...and that makes me feel good....no matter what anyone else may think.

And I'm grateful for my life's many blessings....I can pay my rent...and eat...and I have a warm bed. I live in a free country. I'm safe. I'm healthy...and that's what REALLY matters.

Looking forward to the possibilities and the impossibilities that 2012 may bring...

Love to you all,

Virginia

P.S. What are the limiting beliefs that you have about your own life that may be keeping you in stasis? How can you begin to let them go?

160. Interview with Bryce Pinkham (Yale) - Part One

“Anybody who’s made it will tell you, you can make it. Anyone who hasn’t made it will tell you, you can’t.” - John Mayer

Speaking of people who are "making it"...Here's a hugely inspiring interview with my friend and Yale grad Bryce Pinkham.

It's such a privilege to live in New York and be able to sit down and have lunch with a true professional and down-to-earth-all-around-great-guy like Bryce. He took the time to sit down with me and open-up about all things "creative process" and really give a no-bullshit look at what he's done to get where he is now...and how he handles the resistance...(the thoughts in his own head that could keep him from plugging away at his acting career)...but clearly, he's been able to make things happen in spite of any fears/doubts/obstacles.

Next month he's opening a show on Broadway!!! He's landed the role of Carl Bruner in the Broadway production of Ghost: The Musical!!! Whoooo hooooo! Check out this sneak-peek video....

Previews for  Ghost: The Musical  begin March 15, 2012 and Opening is April 23, 2012. Click HERE to buy tickets.

Congratulations, Bryce, on this AMAZING opportunity to share your work on Broadway. Sending you big-time luck and broken legs! Thank you so much for sharing about your creative life!!!

Disclaimer: Watch out, folks. You are about to fall in love with these blue eyes...

(The following interview was conducted at Cellini Restaurant on E. 54th St. in New York City on January 6, 2012.)

Virginia: Okay, go ahead. We're recording...

Bryce: My name is Bryce Pinkham, and I grew up in Northern California, outside of San Francisco. And I went to undergrad at Boston College. I went to graduate school at the Yale School of Drama in Connecticut. And I now live in Brooklyn…I’m an actor here in New York City.

Virginia: What did you study in undergrad?

Bryce: I didn’t go to school to study acting. I decided the place where I wanted to go to school because of the atmosphere and the academics – and if there was a place to continue the hobby of theatre acting I had developed as a kid that that would be a great thing as well. And so, I found that at BC.  I did end up majoring in theatre, but I also studied communications and got a very broad liberal arts education, studied the classics and all that, a lot of reading. Which I look back on now and think that I’m so glad I did that. I don’t know that I had thought it out this well, but I’m so glad I made that choice as opposed to saying, no, I really want to try the acting thing so I’m going to go to a conservatory setting. Cause I think one of the most important things to being an actor is knowing how to do lots of things, and so that prepared me.

Virginia: So now you live in Brooklyn, and are you currently a member of any of the actor’s unions?

Bryce: I’m a member of Actor’s Equity. And I’m a member of what’s called a “must join” for both SAG, Screen Actors Guild, and AFTRA, American Federation of Television and Radio Artists. Which means the next job I do for them I have to join the union. So basically I’ve done something like one or two jobs for each of those. They give you a sort of free pass your first round and then the next assignment they say, okay, we want to start making some of your money, too. And so the next thing I do I’ll probably put the entire paycheck toward joining the union.

Virginia: But inevitably, if you want to have a professional career...you have to join eventually, I would assume.

Bryce: Yeah, it’s very hard to get the jobs that we all want to get without being a member of the unions. But there’s certainly plenty of jobs out there for people developing their careers who are not a member of the unions....And some of the best work you can actually do is non-union because you can practice. For example, on film, you can get together on a student film, and it’s a non-union job and you’re not going to get paid much, but it gives you a chance to practice something. It’s lower stakes.

Virginia: So, totally changing the subject. For the record, would you share with the readers...how do you know me, exactly?

Bryce: Well, we knew each other in another life, as aspiring young thespians when it was just for fun and it didn’t have a lot of big ideas. And by “it” I mean performing, specifically – you know. Acting in musical theatre is what we did together, but before we had attached all these ideas of "art" and "why is this important to our country?" and, you know, "what’s it going to be like when I give my first awards speech?"  It was about "this is something I want to do over the summer cause I like the other people who do it and I like the way it makes me feel. It’s just fun."

Virginia: Do you think that you have retained elements of that in your current work?

Bryce: Yes.

Virginia: I mean, what you just described. It sounds like the greatest job description ever, you know, just getting together with your friends and doing something fun that you’ll enjoy.

Bryce: I think it’s important to keep in-touch with that side, with that version of you as a performer because there are plenty of reasons to not do it. And those are all reasons that didn’t exist to that little one. They just love the sound of applause. I have one teacher who describes it as, you know, the moment in middle school, when the curtain goes down and all the kids behind the stage are like freaking out, “Oh, my god, we did it. Can you believe it?! We made it through.” And all the parents and the audience are sitting there, “Yeah, you know, it wasn’t that bad." (laughs)...And I think it’s important to stay in-touch with that spirit because it can kind-of carry you through some of the harder times. And also I think it's important for you to get back to a place where you were just less in your head and more in your body.

Virginia: Talk to me about your transition from it being a hobby, and then what made you decide to have it be your career?

Bryce: I did a play in college that was basically a Commedia Dell'arte Moliere one act. That was literally the most fun I think I’ve had. Not only the most fun, but the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I had never felt like that before. I never felt better about anything. And I sort of had this moment like, well, if I could in some way reproduce this, even every couple of years, you know, in between all the other stuff. I remember as a little kid thinking, "If there’s one thing I do like to do and that’s play...and there’s one thing I don’t like to do and that’s work. And if I could find a way to make those things the same thing, I’m pretty sure I’ll be happy."  I think that’s how a kid looks at it. So then as a sophomore in college, I said, "Well, this is something that could be work and is undoubtedly fun. And I’d regret it if I didn’t take a shot at this."  And as we’re talking now, I’m still taking a shot.

I’m not like other actors that say, okay, give me this and I’ll see you when I retire. I’m a little more like...So I’ve trained two years seriously at Boston College when I said, "Okay, I’m going to try this for real," the second two years. And then three years of grad school. That’s five total years. When I graduated grad school, I said, "Okay I’m going to give myself five corresponding years to see how this goes. And at the end of five years, I’ll be 30 years old, first of all. And second of all, I’ll have a better idea of what a life like this might sort of look like, what sort of trajectory professionally I’m on. And if’s something I would like, I would enjoy staying in, I would enjoy the lifestyle. So then I’ll go from there. But if I don’t, I give myself permission and the freedom to say I’ve had it."  But at the same time, as I said, I’ve dedicated five years to this. I’m not going to quit after one year cause I don’t get into a show or I can’t get my rent acting. The years I’m going to put into it on the other side, preparing for it, at least. So I think It’s important to keep perspective on how much you owe yourself in terms of time.

Virginia: You just mentioned doing other jobs besides acting. Can you share with us maybe some of the other survival jobs you’ve had to pay the bills when you haven’t had enough acting work?

Bryce: Yeah. I did have an acting job right out of school. I’m very lucky. And then I finally moved to New York. And I was working three part-time jobs. None of them were full time. One as a tutor, I was tutoring writing, which was something I learned to do in my liberal arts background. I was teaching soccer to little kids, so I was a soccer coach. It was more like soccer daycare with very safe surroundings and very safe soccer balls. And then I was – surprise, surprise – waiting tables as well. So that was a rough couple of months because that really was three part-time jobs that all had slightly conflicting schedules. And I was trying to audition for the jobs I really wanted in between all of that. Relatively speaking, I’ve had it pretty lucky. But I look back on that and say, "Oh, yeah, you made it through that time, so whatever time you’re going through now is nowhere near as hard as that. There’s no reason you should be down on yourself or worried."

Virginia: Absolutely. I wanted to ask you about your experience with the whole idea of – you know, a lot of actors think their job is, you know, when you’re on stage. But what you actually learn when you graduate from school is that your job, as an actor, is to audition. And I want to hear your opinion on that.

Bryce: Definitely. Some of the best advice I ever got was...what’s most important is how you use your down time, your time in between jobs, whether it’s working on your own material, working on a blog, working on a writing project, working on a one-man show, something to keep your muscles, your creative and physical muscles ready so that when that audition comes you won’t feel like "I haven't acted in so long" or "I haven’t thought like a character in so long" or "I haven’t performed a song in forever."  So the down time actually becomes part of the job. You get used to it. You come to expect it. And then when it shows up, you go, okay, cool, now I can do those projects I’ve been wanting to do for awhile. So I’ve learned to try and fill the spaces in between jobs with things that make me still feel like an actor and things that make me still feel on my game. Does that answer the question?...

Oh!--that thing about auditioning too....I guess your job is auditioning. I’m never busier than when I don’t have a job. Because I’m running around preparing, you know, sometimes three or four auditions a week, and we’re talking both musical theatre, TV and film, voiceover, commercial,... doing many different things trying to prepare. And if I had – I haven’t had to lately, but if I had a survival job on top of that, then it would be fitting it in that schedule. So that’s really the hardest part - to get the job. We’re trained for that part. That’s what the training is for. Once you get the job, you don’t have to work to prove that it’s yours. But the hard part is proving you deserve it at the audition.

Virginia: So I have just one quick detour into the financial world, since we’re talking about jobs and, you know, making a living and stuff like that. So we just finished 2011. What percentage of your income would you say came from your acting in 2011 versus other jobs unrelated to acting?

Bryce: Um, only for that – I’m sure they exist, but I can’t think of them. I would say I funded myself entirely with acting jobs this year.

Virginia: Congratulations!

Bryce: Thank you.

Virginia: That’s amazing! That’s a huge accomplishment.

Bryce: Yes, it is. I mean, that’s not to say I funded myself WELL, you know, but I’m not in debt....There’s a certain commitment that I made at a certain point in the year when I said, no, I’m not going to search for that survival job because it will take me out of my ability to search for these other things. And to audition well you’ve got to be preparing, and it’s a full-time thing. I also had the benefit of a couple of really nice jobs that gave me some chunks of money that I could sit on for a couple of months. So to be clear, I wasn’t a paid actor for all of 2011, but I did live off the money that I made as a paid actor.

Virginia: And was this the first year that you've earned all of your income from acting related work…I mean, since you’ve graduated from Yale?

Bryce: I graduated in 2008...Yeah, definitely not 2009, and I don’t think 2010. So yeah, I would say that’s probably the first year that that’s taken place. Like I said, I’m sure there’s something …because when jobs come, you know, two weeks to be an administrative assistant for somebody that pays 20 bucks an hour and I look at my schedule and I say, ok....Savings is the most important thing. When you consider grad school and consider being an actor, save, save, save. Save as much as you can. I mean I know it hard.

Virginia: How close are you to paying off those student loans at this point? Do you still have them?

Bryce: Oh, yeah, I’ve got a sizable chunk of student loans.

Virginia: From undergrad and grad?

Bryce: From graduate school. My parents gave me my undergrad education. But they told me that grad school was on me. Which I mean I wouldn’t have had it any other way....But I think what’s important and what can be a hard initially in this lifestyle is when somebody offers you something, I’m not always the sort of person to take it, to say, "Well, I don’t know that I deserve that what you’re offering me, that free meal or what have you."  But I’ve had to learn that there are certain situations where you just have to say thank you. Because specifically, when it has to do with money, because – I don’t want to get too sidetracked on this, but the system - of specifically theatres in our country-  it’s such that nobody in New York – this may sound scary, but nobody in New York, except for people who are getting paid on Broadway in lead parts, are acting on the stage and making a living wage from that alone. They just don’t pay enough. And it’s not their fault. Most of the theatres are not for profit and they’re underfunded. I’m not blaming them. I’m just saying that’s the state of affairs.

So even if you are working in your chosen field and loving every minute of it, the stage actor off-Broadway doing important work, working with directors you’ve wanted to work with all your entire life, you may not be able to pay the bills. You may be making less than you would on unemployment. So when those chances come and someone says, “Hey, do you want to do a commercial?” you have to not necessarily sell your soul for it –

Virginia: But you’re going to be scrubbing toilets and smiling.

Bryce: Yeah. I have a voice-over audition today for (**very large company that will remain unnamed**). And truth be told, it's not my favorite company in the world. But if they offered me a check for $8000 for an hour and a half’s worth of work in a studio, I’d take it in a heartbeat and I have. I’ve done a voice-over for them before. I did an hour and a half in a studio, and in over the year I think I’ve gotten $8000 from those residuals. Initially I felt bad about it. Then I thought, well, what am I saying?! I’m dedicated to these higher ideals about me as a person. I don’t feel great about this company, what they’ve done to our country or their style of eating, and all that stuff. At the end of the day, they’re helping me in a small way, and I’m helping them in an even smaller way. And I, you know, I take the money and run because I still want to do the off-Broadway stuff.

Virginia: It can help to finance your life so that you can then dedicate you energy to the projects that are really worthy of doing...and I wanted to segue into the project that you did at Guantanamo. And also just talk about your writing and being published in American Theatre Magazine. You know, that’s become a part of your artistry as well. Not only being an actor but, you also did the blog for Orphans Home Cycle at the Signature Theatre. So how have you integrated your writing into your acting?

Bryce: Well, this is one of the things – for example -- that you can do in your down time that keeps you feeling engaged in an artistic conversation and also helps you explore your own ideas about things, about what it is to be an actor, the power of theatre and these things. You know, it’s like what you’re doing. It’s like if I can take my experience and in some way by transferring it to the page or the screen, as it were, help someone else better understand the material, as you know you mentioned the blog I did for the Orphans Home Cycle, or better understand something about what it means to be a working actor, in the case of the Guantanamo trip – which I’ll talk on in a second – better understand what on earth is going on down there and also see through the example, the power and the strength of what it is they want to do. And it renews their own sense of commitment to that, then I’ve served a greater purpose other than – well, my head shot is in American Theatre Magazine. It’s not about that...And the writing, you know, started in grad school, really.

Virginia: Were you given formal opportunities to write or was this something as part of the Yale Cabaret?

Bryce: No, I was asked to write a speech, a personal statement, for The Actors Center. They hold a thing called The Actors Congress. And the first one, they wanted a couple of people in their first year in grad school to write something about what it was like to be in grad school. And one of my teachers asked me to write and I did. They had me come to New York and give it as a speech at The Actors Congress. I just got some really nice feedback from it. This is something I enjoy doing -- writing. It’s a creative outlet but also sort of investigating what the hell's going on in my life and lots of others. I guess the point is it started then and continues to do that for me, so I try to force myself to do it whenever I have the opportunity. Which came up when I came to Guantanamo with this group, Theatre of War, that does readings of ancient Greek plays and other plays as well, for military audiences, in an attempt to bring about a discussion about, in this case, PTSD and soldier suicide. I’ve done it a couple of other times in the states and then was asked to go to Guantanamo with them. I asked them if I could write a piece on it. Actually, they initially said no, we’ve got The New Yorker coming with us to do an exclusive on it, so we can’t really have you doing anything on it. Well, it turns out The New Yorker didn’t end up coming. And so I said, "Can I write?"  "Yeah, sure."  So I wrote down notes while I was there, got back and sat down and tried to put, you know, thoughts on paper. That’s sort of the sum total of it.

Virginia: I wish that they had it posted on-line. The last time I went to look for it, it was only in print. Cuz, you know, they have some of the articles on-line and some of them aren’t. I think they do that to protect themselves, you know, so you will actually subscribe. But I really wanted to link to it, but I couldn’t actually find it...I would actually like to post it on the blog, have it available....I bet if I wrote them a letter I could probably get their permission.

Bryce: I could get you the email of the person for you to write to.

Virginia: Yeah. Absolutely, that would be great. Because if I could link to it I’m sure people will be interested in reading it, you know, especially after reading what you said about it.

(I did write to Bryce's editor at American Theatre...and, at my request, they put up a link to Bryce's article online!!! So you guys can all read it! Whoo-hoo!... Thanks, Nicole!)


I read this article on the subway on my way to work one day...and as sooooon as I got above ground...I had to call Bryce and leave him a practically sobbing/ridiculously ecstatic voice mail about how incredible the article was and how much I LoVED it...at like 8:45am.

He probably wanted to kill me. :-P

Enjoy!...Read Bryce's article about his experience performing at Guantanamo: http://www.tcg.org/publications/at/julyaugust11/guantanamo.cfm


Annnnnd...

Subscribe to American Theatre Magazine by clicking HERE.

Loves,
Virginia

P.S. If it wasn't for American Theatre Magazine...I may never have auditioned for Juilliard. True story. Read my post about how my life was CHANGED by having my very own subscription to American Theatre Magazine.

P.P.S. More interviewtasticness with Bryce on Saturday. (No blogging on Fridays.) Check back then for PART TWO!

159. Treading Water

"When you feel happy, really happy, it somehow seems that you've always been happy and that you'll always be happy. The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared. Something, perhaps, to remember." - Mike Dooley

You know how it is...When you're sooooooooo close to finishing that paper...or closing that show...or finishing that project...or completing that remodel...or closing on that house...or crossing that finish line...and YOU JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT!?!

Yup...That's MEEEE right now! Feeling sooooo reluctant to even TOUCH my computer when I get home. (And that's veeeeery unusual for me.)

But here I am...again...

B L O G G G G G I N G.

I had a difficult time deciding how I wanted to title today's post. I went with "Treading Water," but here are some of the other options I was considering...

"Yup...Still Blogging"

"Going Thru The E-Motions"

"Senior-itis"

"Are We There Yet?"

"Why Am I Still Doing This?"

"Another Day...Another Blog"

"Not Into It Today"

"Only 21 More Posts...And It's ALL DONE"

"Endurance Test (A+)...Grad School (Fail)"

"Please Let This Be Over Already"

"Who Even Cares About Getting Accepted To Grad School I Just Want To Complete This F^*ing Blogging Project So That I Can Go Back To Not Having To Think About What I'm Going To WRITE All The Time"

:-p

LOL!

Clllllleeeeeeearly, I am feeling a bit resistant to blogging today/this week/ever since I got that rejection email from Juilliard. Yup. Just gotta be HONEST...I think that was the turning point for me...when this project turned into a BiG, HUGE...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

Answer: Blogging...That is what I am doing with my life.

Is that really what I want to be doing?

Answer: No. Not really.

I want to be ACTING!!!!!

Why AM I STILL DOING THIS THEN?

Short Answer: Because I said I would...And I am going to keep my promise if it KILLS me.

Long Answer: I made this blog for a couple of reasons...
1. As a commitment device...to help me stay on-track with my preparations for auditioning for grad school. (Which no longer applies...since there is no more "preparation" left to do...just waiting...waiting for the rejection email from NYU to come at the end of March.)

2. As a record of what my process has been from start to finish. (This still applies... because... TECHNICALLY... the whole process is not really OVER until I get that last rejection email from NYU. All the waiting and doubting and fretting and avoidance and ups and downs and ya-da, ya-da...that's all part of the process to.)

So I suppose today is one of THOSE days...doubting...fretting...questioning...discouraged... But STILL BLOGGING anyway.

Note to self: If you want to be an actor: act. If you want to be a blogger: blog.

Seems simple...However, this logic did not occur to me when I began this project. I did NOT start this blog in order to become a BLOGGER...Yet...that is what I feel like has happened as a result of this project.

I STILL haven't been accepted to grad school...but I have a blog. A BLOG is what I have, so I am a blogger. (That I can use that label in reference to myself is such a weird realization!) I've taken on a role that I didn't really intend to be so...all-consuming. And...right now...I don't really want the responsibility that goes along with that role...with this blog. I don't WANT to share...I don't WANT to be a blogger...I want to go HIDE...like I used to be able to...before I started writing 6-days-a-week and spilling my guts in public to the blog-o-sphere.

How often to we fall into roles that we never intended? All of the sudden you blink your eyes and you're a FATHER...or you discover yourself accidentally introducing your "friend" as your "boyfriend"...or you've been promoted and you've suddenly got a fancy title and authority...or your parents pass away and you are the "head of the family" now.... or any kind of unexpected development occurs...and you're like...Wait a minute....HOW DID I GET HERE?  Do I really want to be here? Or am I here because it was the easiest/most natural thing? Or is it just my luck? Am I here by mistake? Or am I just a pawn in a greater plan that's unfolding for everyone?

I don't know the answers...

But for now... I am just showing up at my computer because I said I would and I am being honest...I feel like I'm treading water...So I'm blogging about feeling like I'm treading water...(Imagine that!)

Not feeling any forward motion...Just trying to keep my head above the water, breathe and not drown.

As a proverbial water-treader...I am totally successful.

Whoop de do.

Good thing tomorrow's another day...Could be another opportunity to tread some more water...or maybe catch a wave that'll carry me to shore.

Guess it's up to me...I can chose to ride the wave...or let it pass me by...but I refuse to go under. That ain't gonna happen.

Sigh,
Virginia

"The trick isn't to never fall down, it's to never stay down." - Matt Frazier

157. What Is School For?

"An artist is someone who brings new thinking and generosity to his work, who does human work that changes another for the better. An artist invents a new kind of insurance policy, diagnoses a disease that someone else might have missed, or envisions a future that’s not here yet. 

And a linchpin is the worker we can’t live without, the one we’d miss if she was gone. The linchpin brings enough gravity, energy, and forward motion to work that she makes things happen. 

Sadly, most artists and most linchpins learn their skills and attitudes despite school, not because of it. 

The future of our economy lies with the impatient. The linchpins and the artists and the scientists who will refuse to wait to be hired and will take things into their own hands, building their own value, producing outputs others will gladly pay for. Either they’ll do that on their own or someone will hire them and give them a platform to do it."

-Seth Godin, Stop Stealing Dreams

Seth Godin is one of my favorite modern thinkers. This man questions everything!!! Not in an adversarial, confrontational way...but in a "why can't we do things better?" kind of way.

I'm reading his new e-book right now. It's called Stop Stealing Dreams. It's available to download for FREE. I highly suggest that you do.

This man gives away some amazing material on his blog every day. (Yes, I subscribe.) But this e-book is a truly exceptional exploration on what needs improving in our educational system.

I know I've been blogging all about the gloriousness of going to one of these awesome grad schools for acting...and one of the reasons I think they are such great schools, is because I've experienced a lot of mediocrity in the U.S. educational system. (Which is the subject of Mr. Godin's current e-book.)

Now, that's not to say that NYU and Yale and Juilliard are PERFECT examples of educational utopia. They are not. I am sure that there's plenty of improvements that could be made (especially after reading Seth Godin's inspiring manifesto on education).

At any rate, I think it's important to question the quality of any institution that affects the quality of our lives as directly as school.

Why we do things the way that we do as a society? Is there a better way? Those are important questions for us to consider...especially within the institutions we most believe in.

Will this e-book interest you? It will if you've ever taken a required course in school and thought..."Why the HELL am I required to learn this B%ll$#it?"

Or if you have taken an elective and thought..."Why the HELL isn't THIS a REQUIRED course for alllllll graduates?" (That's how I felt when taking "Personal Financial Management 101" and  (to a lesser degree) "Stress Management 101". BOTH OF THOSE CLASSES SHOULD BE REQUIRED IN ORDER TO GRADUATE. Seriously, with the financial state of our country...and the INSANE amount of anti-stress medication that's prescribed in massive amounts...I mean, seriously...Do I remember a single thing about "Econ 101?" ...NO... However, "Personal Financial Management" literally changed my life. My parents never taught me how to invest or how to maintain a good credit score. BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO THEMSELVES. That class should be required for alllll of the 99% to learn about how the 1% got to BE the 1%!... Just sayin'.)

Anyhoo, I'm only about 1/3 of the way through Seth's e-book right now. (Subway reading on my iPhone.) But it's seriously blowing my mind. I'm including some quotes below...hopefully to spark your interest...and give you an idea of what the book is REALLY about...not just my perception of it.

OMG! Ideas are so awesome. Experiencing new ones that ring super true is soooooo satisfying.

LOL!

Maybe I don't even NEED grad school? Huh? Maybe grad school would actually be COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE to my growth as an artist?

What about THEM ideas?

Blowing. My. Mind.

Question everything,
Virginia

The following quotes are all taken from Seth Godin's Stop Stealing Dreams... Please feel free to share these ideas with anyone you think may benefit by hearing/reading/debating them.

That's how change happens...one conversation at a time.

Chapter 9:  ...the man who industrialized the public schools he created left us with this admonition,…be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.
Unfortunately, that part of his curriculum is almost never taught in school.

Chapter 19: By their nature, dreams are evanescent. They flicker long before they shine brightly. And when creating dreams is more difficult. They’re often related to where we grow up, who our parents are, and whether or not the right person enters our life.
Settling for the not-particularly uplifting dream of a boring, steady job isn’t helpful. Dreaming of being picked—picked to be on TV or picked to play on a team or picked to be lucky—isn’t helpful either. We waste our time and the time of our students when we set them up with pipe dreams that don’t empower them to adapt (or better yet, lead) when the world doesn’t work out as they hope.
The dreams we need are self-reliant dreams. We need dreams based not on what is but on what might be. We need students who can learn how to learn, who can discover how to push themselves.

Chapter 25: Transparency in the traditional school might destroy it. If we told the truth about the irrelevance of various courses, about the relative quality of some teachers, about the power of choice and free speech—could the school as we know it survive?

Chapter 29: There really are only two tools available to the educator. The easy one is fear. Fear is easy to awake, easy to maintain, but ultimately toxic.The other tool is passion. A kid in love with dinosaurs or baseball or earth science is going to learn it on her own. She’s going to push hard for ever more information, and better still, master the thinking behind it.Passion can overcome fear—the fear of losing, of failing, of being ridiculed.The problem is that individual passion is hard to scale—hard to fit into the industrial model. It’s not reliably ignited. It’s certainly harder to create for large masses of people. Sure, it’s easy to get a convention center filled with delegates to chant for a candidate, and easier still to engage the masses at Wembley Stadium, but the passion that fuels dreams and creates change must come from the individual, not from a demigod.

Chapter 33: Can risk-taking be taught? Of course it can. It gets taught by mentors, by parents, by great music teachers, and by life.Why isn’t it being taught every day at that place we send our kids to?Bravery in school is punished, not rewarded. The entire institution is organized around avoiding individual brave acts, and again and again we hear from those who have made a difference, telling us that they became brave despite school, not because of it.

Chapter 35: Greatness is frightening. With it comes responsibility.If you can deny your talents, if you can conceal them from others or, even better, persuade yourself that they weren’t even given to you, you’re off the hook.And being off the hook is a key element of the industrialized school’s promise. It lets parents off the hook, certainly, since the institution takes over the teaching. It lets teachers off the hook, since the curriculum is preordained and the results are tested. And it lets students off the hook, because the road is clearly marked and the map is handed to everyone.If you stay on the path, do your college applications through the guidance office and your job hunting at the placement office, the future is not your fault.That’s the refrain we hear often from frustrated job seekers, frustrated workers with stuck careers, and frustrated students in too much debt. “I did what they told me to do and now I’m stuck and it’s not my fault.” What they’ve exchanged for that deniability is their dreams, their chance for greatness. To go off the path is to claim responsibility for what happens next.

Chapter 36: We demand that students have a trade to fall back on, an assembly-line job available just in case the silly dreams don’t come true. And then, fearing heartbreak, we push them to bury the dream and focus on just the job.

Chapter 44: The Internet is making the role of content gatekeeper unimportant. Redundant. Even wasteful. If there’s information that can be written down, widespread digital access now means that just about anyone can look it up. We don’t need a human being standing next to us to lecture us on how to find the square root of a number or sharpen an axe.(Worth stopping for a second and reconsidering the revolutionary nature of that last sentence.)What we do need is someone to persuade us that we want to learn those things, and someone to push us or encourage us or create a space where we want to learn to do them better.If all the teacher is going to do is read her pre-written notes from a PowerPoint slide to a lecture hall of thirty or three hundred, perhaps she should stay home. Not only is this a horrible disrespect to the student, it’s a complete waste of the heart and soul of the talented teacher.Teaching is no longer about delivering facts that are unavailable in any other format.

If you're into the above...DOWNLOAD THE FREE E-BOOK BY CLICKING HERE.

If you're not into it...delete.

156: I'm Fine, Thanks: Part Two (Filming Day)

(This is Part Two of my experience with I'm Fine, Thanks (a documentary about the pervasive problem of complacency in America). Click HERE for Part One.)

The following events took place in New York, NY on March 1, 2012:

Baker and Grant rented a studio at Ripley-Grier on 8th Ave & 55th St. (on my recommendation as a suitable venue). Though we we were concerned about the "city noise" being overpowering...Ripley-Grier is a quintessential New York "actor" setting. Many, many, many auditions and rehearsals are held in studios just like these all over the city every day. So it seemed like the perfect venue to interview an aspiring New York actor...LOL!... me.

I showed up at the studio at 8pm, as we had agreed via email. I'd never met Baker or Grant or the rest of the team and really didn't know what to expect.

I came around the corner and there they were! Five handsome young men...with massive amounts of camera and lighting equipment strewn about them in the hallway.

I approached and one of them glanced over and noticed me standing nearby...quietly observing them.

"Hi. Are you Virginia?"

"Yup. Hi."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Bryan...This is John...and Dustin...and..."

And then there he was!!!! ADAM BAKER of Man Vs. Debt! Real. Live. IN PERSON.

OMG!

I totally had a nervous "I'm-meeting-a-celebrity" moment as I shook his hand. I mean, he's not FAMOUS in the traditional sense, I suppose...but because I follow his blog and have read so many of his stories/words/thoughts...and I LOVE, LOvE, LOvE how he's shared his whole journey online and I have such deep respect for all the good he's doing in the world. And how he's not some privileged person...or some PhD with tons of degrees or something...he's just a normal guy who is passionate about helping people and inspiring them to know that anyone can do what he's done...follow their dreams.

He's sooooooo awesome! He's creating the kind of life that feels meaningful and successful to him...according to his own definition of success and his own personal values. He's no longer buying into "scripted life" that society has been spouting...of consumerism and conformity. And by blogging about his journey online he's created a community of like-minded people to rally around him and support him in his dreams...as he inspires and supports them.

Sound familiar?

It's people like Adam Baker that inspired me to create the Acceptance Project Blog. Soooo THANK YOU, Baker! You've already changed this girl's life...and you didn't even KNOW it.

Of course, I didn't actually SAY any of that to his face. I was actually quite "cool" and "calm" and said, "Hi. Nice to meet you. Um, thanks for letting me be a part of your film. This is really a thrill."

Baker was very warm and down-to-Earth and seemed genuinely excited to meet me too! He was very complimentary about my blog...which, of course, made me feel like a million bucks!!! Soooooo nice of him to say!!!

Then I got to meet Grant, the director, who also has a theatre background...so naturally, we got along instantaneously. He's livin' his dream right now, making this documentary. So it was super fun to get to see him in his element...Having the TIME OF HIS LIFE making this film happen. Very inspirational!

Here's the Team:
Grant (the director)
Adam (the producer)
Dustin (production assistant)
Bryan (first cameraman)
John (second cameraman)

The rest of the evening sped by lightening-fast. So much awesomeness in just four short hours!!!

Here's how it went:

8pm - 8:20pm
We got into the studio and the team started setting up. Baker and I sat and chatted a bit. Though not toooooo much, because he wanted to save the "meaty" conversation for the on-camera interview. I was sooooo super happy just to be hanging out with these guys, watching them all making the magic happen, and getting to chill with Baker and hear about their filming experiences thus far. They've only just begun their travels across the country...to meet lots of folks who are pursuing their dreams and have agreed to share their stories with Baker and Grant. It all sounds very exciting... and it's veeeery different from the office-day-job-world...where I spend most of my time now-a-days.

8:20pm - 9:30pm
Camera is on me. Lights are in my face. Wired for sound. Seated on a stool and ready to bear my soul to Adam Baker and hopefully share some of what I've learned from these months of blogging and years of failing to get into grad school. He asked me all sorts of questions...What were my childhood dreams? How did I know I wanted to act? Where there people in my life that didn't support my career choice? How do I deal with rejection?...That kind of thing.

Dude. It was sooo crazy/awesome to get to sit there and share my story. I mean, the fact that they even CARED about my perspective on any of this stuff was really profoundly strange to me. LOL! My life truly isn't very noteworthy. I guess it's interesting in the fact that I am a quintessentially ordinary person...being extraordinarily transparent in my blog...and perhaps extraordinarily stubborn in my desire to create a sustainable career as an actor.

So basically, that's the kind of stuff we talked about. I have no idea if any of it will actually make it into the final cut of the film...But, honestly? That doesn't really matter to me. I got to meet Adam Baker and tell him my story...and no matter what...that's one of the coolest things I've ever had the privilege to do!

9:30pm - 10pm
Monologue time!!! We changed the camera set up and I got three glorious takes performing my monologue for the camera. AHHHHHHHHH!!!! This was sooooooo fun. It was like I got to pretend to be the leading lady in a film for a little while. "All right, Mr. Demille. I'm ready for my close-up!" And the guys were sooooo supportive. It really felt wonderful to be able to work with them.

I did two takes straight into the camera...And THEN, I asked Grant to be my scene partner (off-camera) for the third take...And he's an actor too...so he gave me an improvised line to respond to. And WOW. He was totally GIVING IT back to me the whole time I was doing the monologue. Just sooo present, reacting to me, facial expressions, right with me the WHOLE TIME. It was so FUN! Gave me tons of great inspiration to work with in-the-moment.

When we were all done, I said, "Grant! I bet you didn't know you were actually going to be required to ACT in your own film did you?" He laughed joyously. Once an actor...always an actor.

10pm - 10:30pm
Time is up!!! The studio was closing up, so we quickly moved all the equipment out into the hallway and packed everything up. Laughing. Joking. Glowing from all the fun. Said goodbye to Bryan, Dustin and Baker. But not before a little photo op!

Look! Photographic proof! This REALLY happened!

(Grant, me, Baker)

10:30pm - 11:45pm
B-roll time. Grant wanted to get some shots of me walking around Times Square, with all the lights on Broadway. Sooooo sterotypically NYC. Ya gotta do it. Ya just gotta. So there I was...walking around Times Square at night...my blue coat...my scarf...and my BIG DREAMS lighting up Broadway. Grant and John were trailing me with two cameras and capturing shots of me and all the tourists and all the crazies.

I. WAS. LIVING.

Every moment of this was totally surreal and fantastical for me. Even John was like, "You are loving every minute of this, aren't you?"

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I mean, just to give you some context...Soon after I moved to NY, there was a particular day when I was walking through Times Square at dusk and crying. I was exhausted from auditioning for months and never getting callbacks... I was broke... I was heading off to a promotional job where I'd be standing behind a table at a corporate event...getting paid like $10 an hour...and I missed my family back in CA...I was like..."What am I doing here? I don't belong in this place. No one cares if I live or die here."...and I felt like I had noooo prospects of NY life changing any time soon...and as I looked up at the lights and the billboards mocking me with all of their false promises of opportunity, I thought to myself..."I wonder how hard it is to get a prescription for anti-depressants in this town?" I felt completely invisible, unwanted, and unnecessary.

So now... walking through Times Square with two camera men setting up shots of me staring hopefully up at the lights on those billboards...only THIS time I had made the opportunities possible by my sheer commitment to sticking-with-it...

"Oh, New York...You can try to crush me...But I will not be crushed. I will survive!!!!"

Yeah. This Times Square experience was totally relish-worthy.

(Photo by John Cropper)

HAPPY!

11:45pm - Midnight
All done. Said good night to Grant and John. Thanked them again for this wonderful opportunity. Walked...no, FLOATED to the subway at 42nd St. Just as the clock struck midnight...and the N train barreled into the station...I realized that the enchantment had ended. I was Cinderella again. But I had just gotten to go to the BALL! And no one would ever be able to take that experience away from me.

Bliss.

Dude, all I did was start a blog about FAILING to get into grad school and trying to become a successful actress in spite of the obstacles. And what happened? I got to be a part of an AMAZING documentary like I'm Fine, Thanks!!!

I mean... WOWZERS! I am very fortunate, indeed.

Soooooo happy to know that by sharing about my unwavering and passionate commitment to acting...and by opening myself up to failing publicly... that other people have found value in the process. That makes the sting of not being accepted to one of the grad-schools-of-my-dreams this year...a little bit easier to bear.

If failing is this good. Success is going to BLOW MY MIND.

Loves,
V

P.S. There will be a Kickstarter campaign launching in April to help finance I'm Fine, Thanks. If you're interested in supporting the film and/or would like to get updates on how to SEE the film when it's finished...PLEASE CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE CRANK TANK STREET TEAM MAILING LIST...and you can also "like" Crank Tank on FaceBook! Thanks for all your support, guys!

155. I'm Fine, Thanks: Part One (A Window)

"When a door closes, a window opens." - Dutch Proverb

Remember Saturday, Feb 18th when I had to write the SADDEST blog post in AcceptanceProject history... The Juilliard Door Closes?

Ugh! What an awful morning of writing that was!

I was sooooooo disappointed to get that rejection email from Juilliard. Very, very, very sad. It's tough to share publicly about personal heartbreak...I find it's much easier to write about happy-go-lucky-fun-easy-successful-experiences...But the brutal thoughts that go through your head when you face a crushing disappointment or defeat are all part of the process too and need to be written about...However, it is not so easy to explore the depths of those feelings in a public forum.

Anyhoo, I knew I had to write that post...because this AcceptanceProject wouldn't be a TRUE exploration and record of this process if I DIDN'T go there.

It would have been a total cop-out to just write..."Yeah, so didn't get into Juilliard. No biggie. I'm good with it. No worries!!!!" LOL!

Also...I know none of you would have BELIEVED that bull-crap anyway. You all KNEW how much love/sweat/time/tears/love...and did I mention LOVE...that I put into that whole Juilliard audition. You all KNEW that rejection letter would be particularly hard to handle.

Well, folks....there is a lot more to the story of what happened the day that I posted that entry. And today I'm gonna reveal the amazing and unexpected WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY that appeared that afternoon.

I ended that sad Saturday morning's post with this...

"The door at Juilliard has closed for 2012...but there's gotta be a window in here somewhere..." 

Little did I know that a WINDOW would appear...THAT VERY DAY...and I'd only need to wait until 3:45pm to receive the voice mail of a life-time.

(Oh, Universe...you are so timely and prompt with your gifts...Really, it's incredible.)

This is sorta how that fateful Saturday went for me...

February 18, 2012...

7:30am - Woke up in the morning...early.

Made myself some hazelnut coffee with milk and sugar. My fave.

Got back in bed with my laptop and my comfort-coffee.

Wrote my saddest post ever. Cried to myself while writing it. Very emo.

10:16am - Clicked "Publish Post."

Leaned back. Head on pillow. Closed my eyes. Snuggled in with my two bestest friends in the whoooole wide world: my computer and my iPhone. We cuddled until we all fell asleep.

All the months of preparation and hoping and blogging and…I don’t know…Just, everything felt sooooo exhausting and I could NOT handle being awake anymore. My body seriously needed to shut-down and re-set.

11:45am - Riiiiiiiing!

Woke up to a phone call from former acting teacher, mentor and dear friend Robert Parsons.

Encouraging chat with him helped to motivate me to peel myself out of my bed...and into the shower.

Got dressed.

Moped around the apartment for a while.

Opened up my computer again...Putzed around on FB...reading other people's... I'm-planning-a-vacation-to-Maui and Just-got-cast-in-this-kick-ass-show and Getting-Married!!!...statuses and thinking about how great other people's lives must be and how I am having such a self-indulgent-pity-party right now. Deeeeepressssing.

Life is not looking up...It is looking down, down, down.

3:45pm - My cell phone rings. It's a number I don't recognize, with an area code that's unfamiliar to me. So naturally, I don't answer it. I let it go straight to voice mail.

I stare at my phone for a few seconds... quizzically...Who in the world could possibly be calling me from the 317 area code? Where the heck is that anyway? (Indiana.)

The voice mail pops up on my screen.

Huh…weird. They actually left me a voice mail. Must not be a wrong number. I think to myself.

I listen to it. The voice sounds sooooooo familiar…

“Hi Virginia. I can’t possibly make up for the news that you got about Juilliard yesterday, but my name is Adam Baker and I would like to talk to you about being in a documentary we’re going to be filming. We are going to be in NYC on Feb 28, 29, and March 1st. Want to touch base with you. My partner Grant and I are very interested in your story and your passion and we’d love to try to make it happen if you’re available on one of those three days. Hopefully we’ll see you in a week or so…if you’re available. Time’s flying! Give me a call back and hopefully we can connect. Thanks, Virginia! Bye.”

Whhhhhaaaaaaat????? 

A DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKER is calling me and wants me to be in his film?!!!!! And this guy has CLEARLY read my blog post today...WHICH is CRAZY/AWESOME in and of itself!

Is this really my life? Me? In a documentary??? How freaking cooooool is that!!!!???

Wait a minute, wait a minute...

Who is Adam Baker, you ask? And HOW did he get my phone number?

Well the short answers are…He is a famous blogger that I follow and he’s formed a production company and is filming a documentary about the problem of complacency in America called I’m Fine, Thanks. And I gave him my phone number in an email I sent him last week...telling him about my Acceptance Project blog (in response to his blog post allllll about his documentary. (CLICK HERE.)

Basically, he sent out an email blast telling all his followers about this documentary film he's making. He asked for people to nominate other people...or themselves...to be interviewed for the film...people with inspiring stories who are "following their dreams."

So...naturally...I nominated myself. LOL!

"The door to opportunity is always labeled 'push'." -Anonymous

(Because, God knows, if you sit around and wait for other people to nominate you...you're gonna be waiting for a loooooooong time...'cause that ain't never gonna happen.)

SO I decided to be "okay" with being unabashedly self-promoting and tooting my own horn and telling him about this crazy acceptance project/journey I've been on...ya da, ya da. 

I mean, I feel like I have something to contribute to this film and me being SHY about it...is not helpful...not to me...not to him...and not to the people who might some day watch this film and be like..."That Virginia girl is INSANE...but she is clearly PASSIONATE in her insanity...So maybe I should get off my ass and follow my dreams too."  At least, that's what I HOPE people might think...

Me + Delusions of Grandeur = Yes

Anyhoo, I emailed Adam Baker....AND HE ACTUALLY CALLED ME AND HAS READ MY BLOG AND WANTS ME TO BE IN HIS FILM. 

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Juilliard Schmuliard.

(For the hard-core AcceptanceProject blog followers...You'll recall that I blogged about Adam Baker's AWESOME TEDx talk back in December...Post #94: What Does Freedom Mean To You?... To check out that post CLICK HERE.)

Annnnnd...for those of you that are interested in more info about the film check out the director Grant's spoken-word poem promoting it...very theatrical...LOVE IT! See below...

Yes, folks... I did NOT get into Juilliard this year. 

However, I did get invited to be a part of a documentary... A creative project that I am HUGELY excited about and am HONORED to be able to lend my voice to.

Check back tomorrow for PART TWO: Filming.

Oh, yeah. Windows are opening, people. 

WINdows.

So how am I doing, you ask?

I'm FINE, thanks.

;-)

Loves,

V

"Luck? I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it, and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: hard work--and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't." -Lucille Ball

149. Sick In The Head

"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." - Hippocrates

The past three days have been something of a blurrrrr. Fever, coughing, chills, hot/cold flashes, awfulness, ickyness, bleh, bleh, bleh.

As I have been dealing with this nasty flu virus that has taken over my body and realigned all of my current priorities, (Breathing has suddenly become #1...and is currently taking the most effort.) I have been aware of how negative my thoughts have been as well.

We're talking...DISASTER SCENARIOS...imagining myself in total calamity-mode...you know the kind of thing...dying alone...being totally physically incapacitated...losing everything I value...losing everyone I love...

Fun stuff, right?

And in my fever/illness/insanity all of these negative imaginings seem REAL to me. I mean, how can my body tell the difference between a "real thought" and an "imagined thought"? It can't. My body reacts to these emotionally devastating thoughts with elevated heart-rate, sweating, anxiety and depression as if they were REAL. 

Fight or flight...It ain't no joke.

But it's NOT REAL, Virginia! It's just brain static...like the radio coming through with a weak signal and you can barely make out the true voice on the other end through all the NOISE.

It got me thinking...Am I sick and therefore having negative thoughts? Or have my negative thoughts been contributing to my sickness?

The mind/body connection cannot be underestimated.

So where did I turn for answers? Naturally, I went straight to our modern-day oracle of universal knowledge: Google.

This is what I found...

Negative thinking can do more than just give you a bad attitude. Some researchers believe negative thinking may actually block impulses being transmitted to the brain from the central nervous system. The breakdown in communication could cause the body to receive information on a delayed basis. Negative thinking may even prevent the body from producing certain hormones in the body which could affect the immune system. These interruptions in the body’s functions could result in fatigue, higher susceptibility to illnesses, and trouble sleeping. 

The premise that negative thinking can interfere with the body’s function may still be just a theory, but there are certainly adverse physical effects associated with a chronic negative thinker. Rates of depression are significantly higher in people who regularly entertain negative thoughts. Depression has been proven to result in physical ailments such as tiredness, headaches, and upset stomachs. Negative thinkers are generally less happy people which has also been proven to have a similar effect on a person’s health as one who suffers with depression. 

Negative thinking will only bring misery and suffering to both the mind and body. Negativity serves no productive purpose. Those who are chronic negative thinkers are generally less happy in life, work, and relationships. And unhappiness in any, and especially all, of these facets of life will only serve to harm your health. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of situations, try to find the positive in it. Even the worst situation you endure can be considered a success just because you survived it.

- Brainz.org, "15 Stupid Things People Do To Their Bodies Without Realizing It"

Yet another incentive to change my negative thinking habit. It's damaging my immune system and making me more susceptible to becoming physically sick!!! Now, that's just not cool.

What's the old adage?... Mind over matter. 

There's a lotta truth in that.

Get your brain healthy, Wilcox...and then your body will get a clue.

:-)

I will kick-start the healing process by expressing some gratefulness...

1. For friends who see me in my weakened, deliriously sick state and go out of their way to make an effort to care for me...soooo comforting

2. For free sunshine and fresh air...soooo rejuvenating

3. For my body's ability to heal itself (in spite of my negativity)...such a miracle!

Feelin' better already.

Be well, everyone...in your thoughts and in your body...and don't forget to appreciate your breathing!

Loves,

V

P.S. Still no word from NYU.  :-p

“You can set yourself up to be sick, or you can choose to stay well.”

- Wayne Dyer