179. Monologues 2012 REVEALED

"Fullfillment doesn't come from clearing hurdles others set for you; it comes from clearing those you set for yourself." - Robert S. Kaplan, "Reaching Your Potential" Harvard Business Review

I cannot BELIEVE this is the second-to-last post of the Acceptance Project!!!Whoooooo hoooooo! Almost DONE!

Now, in the interest of full-disclosure and transparency and getting over my own fear...I am posting videos of my four audition monologues and my a capella song for you to see. I've embedded them below.

Why has this taken sooooo long for me to get to posting these monologues? (Grad school auditions took place back in January, after all.)

I have one word for you:

RESISTANCE

"Resistance cannot be seen, touched, heard or smelled. But it can be felt. It is experienced as a force field emanating from a work-in-potential. It's a repelling force. It's negative. Its intention is to shove the creator away, distract him, sap his energy, incapacitate him. 

If Resistance wins, the work doesn't get written... 

Resistance seems to come from outside ourselves. We locate it in spouses, jobs, bosses, kids, distractions. "Peripheral opponents," as Pat Riley used to say when he coached the Los Angeles Lakers.

Resistance is not a peripheral opponent. Resistance arises from within. It is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Resistance is the enemy within."  

- Stephen Pressfield, The War of Art

Even though I KNEW in my gut that I HAD to post my monologues for you all to see...EVENTUALLY. I procrastinated it to the 11th hour (a.k.a. NOW...the second-to-last post.) And I'm procrastinating another thing for tomorrow's blog post too...So I'll probably be publishing that one at like 11:55pm on April 1st. ;-P

Anyhoo...RESISTANCE. Let's talk about that for a sec...

The one and only one thing that is coming between YOU and you moving in the direction of your dreams is...(sing with me now)...Reeeeeeesiiiiiiiiissstaaaaaaance!!!

What is keeping you from doing what you KNOW in your heart-of-hearts you are capable of doing????

Let's use ME as an example here...

Me = Queen of Resistance & Duchess of Rationalization

Here are some of the fantastical thoughts that went through my head as I considered the undertaking of posting my monologues publicly on the blog:

1. I can't. I don't know how to upload video on to YouTube. I've never done it before.
2. It's going to look stupid because I don't have a real camera. I just have my iPhone.
3. I hate watching myself on camera. My acting is always waaaay too big. And I am going to look ridiculous.
4. If I post this online, anyone will be able to view it...even potentially ~gasp~ casting professionals. What if they don't like my work and I get a reputation for being a "bad" actor?
5. I don't have time. It's going to take FOREVER to figure out how to do this.
6. I hate asking for help, but I'll never be able to figure this out on my own. Who would possibly agree to help me with this project? I can't PAY anyone to help me. They'd have to do it out of the goodness of their heart. I don't want to IMPOSE on anyone. 
7. I'd have to shoot this after work one day and I'm going to be exhausted and the light might be all gone and shooting at night might be hard. I don't know what to expect since I've never done this before.

And here's what I told myself to be able to get all my resistant thoughts to SHUT UP...and let me do my WORK already:

1. Even though I have never uploaded any video to YouTube before, I know TONS of people who do that alllll the time, so it really can't be that hard. If I allow my self enough time, I'm sure I can figure it out. And if I need help I can think of at least 3 people off-the-top-of-my-head that I could call to assist me. No problem.
2. Even though I only have an iPhone to record with...that's FINE. It doesn't need to be super high quality. The purpose of me posting these videos is not to win cinematography awards, it is to RECORD a snapshot in time of where I am at with these monologues that I worked on this year. That's allllll. An iPhone is a perfectly adequate tool for this purpose.
3. So what if your acting is too big? So what if you look ridiculous? Who cares? YOU ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS and so are these monologues. There are going to be moments in the pieces that you LOVE and are proud of...and things that you see that you'd like to improve. (DON'T LET THE PERFECT BE THE ENEMY OF THE GOOD! That's what I've been telling myself from day one of this blog.) Don't judge yourself! Get SOMETHING up there! You've shared soooooo much about this entire experience through your writing. Don't chicken-out now! Be courageous! Show your acting work! That's what this is all about, right? Some people will love it and some people with think it's total crap...That's okay. Either way...you will have overcome your fear of showing your work...in all it's flawed glory...AND THAT'S SUCCESS.
4. As for casting folks...the ones that see it and don't like it...probably won't contact me. But there may be people that see it and think..."Hey, I've got a project that girl might be right for...Let me email her and give her a shot."  OR....If I get a lot of really negative feedback on it...I can always take it down...re-shoot...and try again. It's a learning process...And I can get better at it...but only if I start somewhere.
5. Time? Reaaaaally, Virginia? If you have time to watch Failure Club on Yahoo! Screen (my favorite show right now), then you have time to get on your computer and figure out how to make this YouTube uploading thing happen. Just start by logging-in to the website. Start there. The rest will happen naturally. Oh! And make an appointment on your calendar to shoot the video. If you don't schedule it into your life...it ain't gonna happen.
6. Get over your issue about ASKING FOR HELP!...You know you've got people in your life that would love to support you in this project and have the skills to easily make this happen. AND it'll be waaaaay more fun to collaborate with someone awesome on this project. Call MATT STEINER!  You just saw that he uploaded his CLOWN REEL onto his website. He could totally help you....AND HE DID!!!! (Thanks, Matt. You are the BEST. Thank you. These videos would NOT have happened without you. Had a BLAST working on this with you. So. Much. Fun.)
7. Go for it. Work with what you've got...So you've got some lighting issues? Whatever. It's fine...as long as you're not in the dark, you're okay...So the sound is not so great. We can bump up the volume as best we can when we're editing...and we'll do the best we can...Get going NOW, because this blog is ending on April 1st and it's gotta get done!!!....So you've only gotten 4 hours of sleep on top of a loooooong week of uber-stress at work? Yeah. Boo-hoo Wilcox. There's never going to be a perfect circumstance. So take it from where you are at and that's a PERFECT place to start these monologues. Go with it. Use it. Use whatever energy you have...and go from there. That's all you can do.

Sooooo that was how I overcame my resistance to posting these monologues.

True story.

Now...without further ado...My audition monologues for Juilliard, NYU and Yale 2012...

The Foreigner by Larry Shue (Catherine)
Lives of the Great Waitresses by Nina Shengold (Melissa)
The Convent of Pleasure by Margaret Cavendish (Lady Happy)
Two Gentlemen of Verona by William Shakespeare (Julia)

You can view these on my YouTube channel by CLICKING HERE.

I've also embedded them for you below...And my a capella song too.

Catherine from The Foreigner

Contemporary monologue that I did for NYU & Yale.

Melissa from Lives of the Great Waitresses

Contemporary monologue that I did for Juilliard.

Lady Happy from The Convent of Pleasure

Classical monologue that I did for NYU .

Julia from Two Gentlemen of Verona

Shakespeare monologue that I did for Yale and Juilliard.

"Make Someone Happy" by Comden/Green/Styne

A capella song that I sang for NYU and Juilliard.

Could I have done all this better? SURE. Yes. Definitely.

And I WILL DO BETTER...next time.

But what really matters is that I DID IT.

I'm sharing my process and getting my work out there...FINALLY.

Resistance be damned!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loves,
Virginia

“Keep working. Don’t turn anything down...Don’t get precious. You’re young, you’re learning. Keep working.” - Stephen Pressfield, Writing Wednesdays

177. Non-Fear

"We practice [mindfulness] in order to have the capacity to deal with desire, to smile with desire, so that we may be free from it." - Thich Nhat Hanh, Fidelity

Yesterday was an emotional roller-coaster ride. I was informed that there is still a chance that I may be accepted to NYU Grad Acting in the fall. (If you missed yesterday's post. You can read all about it HERE.)

Up until yesterday, I had totally let go of the idea that it was even a REMOTE possibility that I was still under serious consideration at NYU. I mean, they didn't even ask me to go to the callback weekend. (Not that I could have attended anyway, since I had to be in San Diego that weekend for work.) NYU put me on the "wait-list" with 250 other people. So...that didn't sound promising.

And then BAM! Phone call from Janet Zarish. "Virginia, we'd like you to be one of two alternates for this year's class."

Yeah. Sure. Okay. AWESOME!

Very thrilling.

Sooooooo naturally....yesterday my head was spinning around from the new given circumstances of my life.

What's going to happen?

How should I be feeling about all of this?... Happy?... Scared?

I mean...WHAT IF I GET IN?

And...WHAT IF I DON'T GET IN?

Think.

Think.

Think.

Then...I had an AWESOME REALIZATION this afternoon.

Even though "acceptance" is sooooooo close I can almost taste it...

I am NOT AFRAID of not getting accepted to NYU.

I am also NOT AFRAID of getting accepted to NYU.

I. Am. Not. Afraid.

NOT AFRAID.

And that makes me HAPPY!

I know that I am perfectly happy with either outcome. TRULY.

That's an incredibly wonderful and liberating feeling.

I'm happy with living in the mystery for a while. It's kind of FUN, actually...The not-knowing-what-the-heck-is-going-to-happen.

"Fear distorts our lives and makes us miserable. We cling to objects and people, like a drowning person clinging to a floating log. By practicing nonattachment and sharing this wisdom with others, we give the gift of non-fear. Everything is impermanent. This moment passes. That person walks away. [YOU DON'T GET ACCEPTED TO GRAD SCHOOL.] Happiness is still possible." - Thich Nhat Hanh, Fidelity

Happiness is allllllllways possible!

F#%k fear.

Surprise people...surprise yourself...PRACTICE NON-FEAR.

External circumstances will never bring true joy. Joy comes from within. So choose to be happy NOW.

Loves,
V

"True love is generated from within. With true love, you feel complete in yourself; you don't need something from outside. True love is like the sun, shining with its own light, and offering that light to everyone."  - Thich Nhat Hanh, Fidelity

144. Acceptance Project Mixer - March 14, 2012 - Walnut Creek, CA

YOU ARE INVITED!!!

Hey, West Coast peeps!

I'm going to be heading out to Northern CA to visit my family in March. And I thought it might be fun to have a little "Acceptance Project Mixer." LOL! This will be super fun. I would love to reconnect with old friends and meet some new ones! So if you are in the vicinity...PLEASE COME BY AND SAY HELLO!

ACCEPTANCE PROJECT MIXER

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012 
7pm to 9pm

(Just tell the host you're there with Virginia's group)

No need to RSVP
Stop by any time after 7pm

Location:

Stanford's Restaurant & Bar

(925) 944-0895

1300 South Main St.

Walnut Creek, CA 94596

Map To Stanford's in Walnut Creek, CA.

If you even have the remotest desire to come and visit with me and other AcceptanceProject blog readers...PLEASE COME. You are wanted and welcome to attend. Don't be shy! 

If you're scared that you won't know anyone and won't have anyone to talk to...bring a security blanket...I mean...a friend. ;-) Or if you want to be suuuuuper brave...come ALONE and test your abilities in turning small-talk into REAL conversation with someone NEW. OOOOOoooooo...scaaaary! (YOU CAN DO IT!)

One of the reasons I started this blog was to create a sense of community for myself in this very personal process of applying to grad school. And a community has gathered...and I have the wonderful privilege of hearing from you guys all the time (YOU ARE ALLLL SUCH GREAT PEOPLE!) and I would love for you to have the opportunity to MEET EACH OTHER...and to connect...and share your experiences together. 

For many of you that have been following the blog from the beginning...my story has become part of your narrative this year too! And I know how fun it is to share stories with each other...and laugh...and drink...and eat snacks...and be INSPIRED by other people's journeys. We've all got the shared experience of the blog to spark conversation...and who knows what that conversation could lead to...a new friend...a professional connection...a creative collaboration? You'll never know...unless you overcome your fear of silly social awkwardness...and SHOW UP! You'll get over it in the first three minutes and then you'll be soooo glad you came...Because you'll be actively opening yourself up to the possibilities that new interactions can bring...Don't miss out on the opportunity to be in a room full of fun-loving, creative, smart, compassionate, open and like-minded people!

Oh....and I will be there too...to introduce you around to other awesome folks...and to have the thrill of getting to chat with you and get to know you better myself!

So, don't hide behind your keyboard...No excuses!!!...If you are in Northern California, please come out to Stanford's on March 14th and hang out with me! 

Please note: I am an actual, real, live, human person...not just words and letters on a screen! Would be great to meet you.

Mark your calendar! See you then.

Loves,
Virginia

P.S. Feel free to forward this on to anyone you think would be interested in attending!!! The more the merrier!

"Where can we find support for our reinvention? To make a true break with the past, we need guides who have been there and can understand where we are going. Reaching outside our normal circles to new people, networks, and professional communities is the best way to both break frame and get psychological sustenance." - How To Stay Stuck In The Wrong Career by Herminia Ibarra, Harvard Business Review (Dec 2002)

142. The Impact Scenarios

Tomorrow is the day that Juilliard will be sending me an email to either...

A. Invite me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I'll be a contender for the first ever MFA class at Juilliard

OR

B. Tell me that they will NOT be inviting me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I will know that I am no longer under consideration for acceptance to the program for Fall 2012

Now...one might think that considering my feelings about my wonderful audition experience at Juilliard, that (in my mind) the below equation might apply...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOOD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BAD

However, it's really not that "black and white," now is it? Most situations are "shades of gray," and this one is no exception. We've all been in situations where a certain outcome could have a MAJOR IMPACT on your life and the lives of your loved ones.

And to an outside eye it may seem like a no-brainer, simplistic Good vs. Bad scenario, but to you...you know allllll the ramifications that an outcome will have on your life. Other people can't know all those things, only you know them about your own life and your own mind.

Success is sometimes just as terrifying as failure...and often times MORE so.

So to really understand the complexity of any situation, you've gotta analyze the IMPACT of that outcome on your life...on every area of your life that matters to you. There will be both a positive and negative impact...no matter which outcome happens. It's just a matter of which one is worse or better...according to your own values, life situation and personal preferences.

Do I want to get called back at Juilliard?

Yes.

Will it mean that my life will be perfect and happy and simple and easy if I get called back at Juilliard?

No.

So in anticipation of being overwhelmed by the actual outcome tomorrow...which I will have to be dealing with very soon...I'd love to take this opportunity tonight...To rationally think this through...as objectively as a can...before things get C-Ra-zY.

"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst." - Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)

So..... here are my impact scenarios for both outcomes (as best I can imagine them right now... hypothetically.)

PRETEND LIKE I GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: Joy!!! I love this school.
• Spiritually: I feel like I am on my "right path."
• Sense of Purpose: I am dedicated to becoming the BEST possible actor that I can be in this lifetime and using my gifts to have a positive impact on the world. This is the next step on that journey.
• Way I See Myself: I feel like I am the luckiest person on this planet.
• Way Others See Me: They might feel excited for me and get excited about keeping on working toward their dreams too!
• Friendships: I will get to make new friends at the Callback Weekend.
• Personal Life: I feel great about where I'm at right now. Glad that I'm single...whilst I embark on this very personal journey.
• Job: I could possibly have a new job soon: "Full-time Acting Student."
• Career: This could lead to a great big huge growth spurt for me that could lead to some incredible creative collaborations with awesome artists that I am yet to meet in the future.
• Financially: Will inevitably have a positive impact on my future prospects for being able to make a living as an actor.
• Physically (my body): I could have the opportunity to get up and MOVE everyday at school...vs. the sedentary sit-at-a-desk-all-day-and-stare-at-a-computer-screen job that I currently have.
• Physically (my home): Juilliard is in New York. So if I were to be accepted there...I could stay in my apartment in Astoria probably.
• The Blog: I'd get to write about the Callback Weekend experience and share it will all of you!!!

...and the NEGATIVE impact of being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally: Fear. I am terrified that after getting this close...that I will still not be accepted into this year's class and I will be crushed.
• Spiritually: I lose all sense of gratefulness and become a totally egotistical a-hole.
• Sense of Purpose: I lose my sense of acting as a "service job" and become completely self-serving in my pursuit of "winning."
• Way I See Myself: I start to see myself as a person who must be accepted by others in order to be able to accept myself.
• Way Others See Me: They may choose to see my success as "uppity" and "snooty" for me to want to be accepted to a school as prestigious as Juilliard.
• Friendships: I might lose some of them because people may react differently to me now.
• Personal Life: I could possibly be kissing my chance for a personal life good-bye. Who has time for a boyfriend in grad school?
• Job: I have to say goodbye to the comfy, familiarity of my day-job. (And I will miss hanging out with my bosses 5 days a week.)
• Career: N/A. (I cannot even pretend that this would ever have a negative impact on my career.)
• Financially: I could be looking at taking out some MAJOR student loans to attend this school. That's veeeery stressful.
• Physically (my body): It's going to be extremely physically demanding potentially.
• Physically (my home): School might be too much of a commute from Queens. If I got accepted I might be looking to move. Ugh!
• The Blog: N/A. (Can't imagine a negative impact on the blog. This is allllll part of the process. And the blog is about examining this process. So it couldn't be negative for the blog.)

Anyhoo, the over-all outcome of getting invited to the Final Callback Weekend at Juilliard (weighing both the positive and negative impact) would be exciting, scary, disorienting and destabilizing...but, over-all...GOOD.

PRETEND LIKE I DO NOT GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: I won't have to open my heart up to the emotional investment that one has to give as an actor. I can stay in my comfy-safe-normalness as long as I feel like it.
• Spiritually: I will keep hope alllll this has been worth it in terms of my spiritual growth and that I've had a positive impact with the blog, at least,...and that even though I may have failed to get in to Juilliard...that my sharing of the whole process has been good for others to read about.
• Sense of Purpose: Is tested...and re-assessed...and will become stronger as a new direction appears.
• Way I See Myself: As someone that tried...even when there was no guarantee of success...and may try again next year as well!
• Way Others See Me: As someone that keeps going in spite of failure.
• Friendships: My friendships are deepened, because those who care will communicate their support.
• Personal Life: I might actually have time to have a personal life now.
• Job: I will get to continue to build a stronger foundation of security, build confidence in my skills as an assistant and continue to get training to learn more about building databases. Sounds like fun, right?
• Career: I will continue to be a self-starter in my oddly-laid path to finding a way to be a professional actor full-time.
• Financially: I will definitely make more money at my job than I would in school.
• Physically (my body): I can still have time and flexibility to take dance class or continue yoga outside of my 9-5 hours at work.
• Physically (my home): I get to stay right where I am.
• The Blog: I get to write about how it feels to get so close...and then...not get it...and how the hell does one deal with that psychologically? 

...and the NEGATIVE impact of not being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally:  Whew...REALLY painful. Will be suuuuuuper dissapointed.
• Spiritually:  I feel like the Universe has forsaken me. How can this be true?
• Sense of Purpose:  I lose my sense of momentum and give up hope at this loss.
• Way I See Myself:  I see myself as someone who ALWAYS gets close...and then loses in the end.
• Way Others See Me: They may see me as a person who may be able to do other things well, but that I will never be successful at the thing I really care about...acting. 
• Friendships:  They pity me...or worse...keep telling me to believe in myself when I've lost the desire to have that belief.
• Personal Life:  I don't have a personal life. Prospects are not good.
• Job: I will stick with the one I've got foooooorever...even though it's not exactly creative.
• Career: Juilliard will not be the next step of my career path. Back to the drawing board
• Financially: I will continue to make a living from something other than acting (and way less awesome) for the foreseeable future.
• Physically (my body): I still get to look forward to sitting in a chair all day.
• Physically (my home): N/A
• The Blog: Do not get to write about the Juilliard Callback Weekend experience. Will have to try my best to find someone willing to guest-post...but no guarantees on finding someone willing to be publicly transparent...like I am crazy enough to be.

(Okay...so some of these negative responses are a LEEEEETLE extreme. But I think it helps to write it out... and disempower even the shadow of those ideas in my mind. Makes it less scary. 'Cause when I read them on the page, they just seem silly sometimes.)

So here's the REAL equation...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOODBAD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BADGOOD

Yay! That's a WIN/WIN!...Sort of.

Now...if only my my logical mind will be able to help my heart deal with the emotional aftermath of the outcome when I open that email tomorrow! We'll see how that goes.

(Whew! Writing this post was exhausting! Sorry it was suuuuper long, but it's been a complicated journey in my mind....How am I feeling about all this? Honestly? I think I'm totally overwhelmed...but rather than going out and drinking and numbing-out...I write lists...still it leads to a similar numbing-out sensation. Weird, right? LOL! That's just me, I guess.)

;-p

Wishing you love in analyzing your own impact scenarios this year.

It's alllll goodbadgoodbad, isn't it?

Loves,

V

P.S. Super grateful to even be HAVING these kinds of dilemmas. Truly, I feel extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to audition for Juilliard this year.

P.P.S. No blogging on Fridays. See you Saturday, guys! I promise to let you know what happens then, okay?

P.P.P.S. I can't believe that I just posted all this online. I mean...who does that? All well. It's definitely been part of my process. Yikes! ... If you've gotten this far...thanks for reading. :-P

137. Yale Drama Audition 2012: Part One (Walking Through The Door...Again)

How would you like to go to a school where the theatre looks like this?...

(Photo by Brendan Hughes)

Well, first you have to walk through this door to audition...

(Photo by Zoe Gorman)

You will be auditioning for a man who looks like this...

(Ron Van Lieu)

Or a man who looks like this...

(Walton Wilson)

For the third year in a row...I took the two hour train ride to New Haven and walked through that door to audition for the MFA Acting program at the Yale School of Drama. The first two times...I didn't even make the first cut.

Alllllll that preparation and...BAM!...It's all over in 5 minutes. But I chose not to see these rejections as a "NO"...but rather as a "NOT YET." Ya know what I mean?...

So I'm back...To put my name "in the hat" again and see if this will be my year. Three times is the charm, right? Will Yale be receptive to my work this year or will I get cut...yet again?...Read on to find out...

For some reason, writing about my experience at Yale this year has become more like a series of bullet points than a narrative structure. So, I’m going to trust that and go with it. Hope you’ll still able to follow the story… If not,…use your imagination to fill-in the blanks.

:-)

New Haven in the stillness of the winter morning. Cold, crisp air. No snow.

Hands warming around a small coffee from JoJo’s Coffee (around the corner).

Push open the the heavy red door. Noticed a thumb-tack on the floor. Picked it up. (Somebody might step on it! That'd really ruin your audition experience.)

Check-in with the desk. Give them my headshot and resume. Friendly grad students running the show, as always! Love them.

Called in with the rest of my group for the 10am pre-audition talk with Ron and Walton. Didn't bother to take off my coat this year. (It was freezing!) The "talk" seemed more rushed than the past two years. But maybe they're pressed for time? Still, it’s nice to be able to meet them before hand, see their faces. Definitely helps to calm the nerves. Walton will be seeing half the audition group upstairs and Ron will be seeing the other half downstairs.

Spending time in the downstairs audition room (where I will be auditioning for Ron) helped to relax me… gotta love all the cracks in the plaster, the light coming through the cloudy, rectangular panes of glass and all the quirkiness of this oddly-converted-castle-to-studio-space. (Much less intimidating than my first year when I auditioned in this room last, back then all the black curtains were drawn...Oooooo, dark and scary!)

Ron, however, is still an intimidating figure to me. He's so quiet and grounded. Even the way he dresses, with his light t-shirt, sport jacket and his clean-cut white hair... Then he looks at you with this sense of knowing…as if he can see right into your soul…it’s spooky! He's seriously a legend among acting teachers. His former students talk about him like he's Yoda or something.

Walton was wearing a plaid poncho and New Balance sneakers. So his intimidation factor was not-so-much. Love that!!! He just seemed homey and comfortable. All of us auditioning just seemed a little over-dressed for the occasion in comparison. The word-on-the-street about Walton, from those that've worked with him...He's one of the sweetest human beings alive.

Since I've been assigned to audition in Ron’s room this year. Courage is key here. Goal: talk to him. (My first year…I was too scared to talk to him. My second year I auditioned for Walton...which was less scary...that one went better. You can read about my first & second year Yale auditions by clicking HERE.)

Back in the waiting room. The air is thick with nervous energy. Bleh!!! Gotta shake it off…

Did my best to get into my own little "zone" and did some yoga and deep breathing in the waiting room. Probably looked like a fool, but I don’t care. If it's gonna helped me stay focused, I'll look like a fool, any day of the week. So people can think what they will…At least the floor was clean.

I went online on my phone and chose an actor affirmation from Jack Plotnick's website that I felt would be most helpful to me that morning. It was...

"I release and destroy my need to be an “Actor”. Let them be the “Actors”, and have all the responsibilities that come with it. I am just here to be myself and have fun."

Kept saying it over and over to myself...every time my brain would wander to some negative, insecure place. None of those thoughts are going to help me right now. So I'll choose to focus on my affirmation...because that thought actually makes me feel GOOD about myself...and when I feel good...I'm going to do waaaaay better work in the audition room.

My turn to audition. (The last one in my group.)

I always feel like I have to pee at this moment…right before I’m about to go in for an audition…always. But I don’t really need to…it’s just psychosomatic.

Walk into the room and actually start a CONVERSATION with Ron Van Lieu! Score! Nothing profound, just remarking on the room and the fireplace and how it’s like auditioning in a castle. Some of the tension was released. Helped me to remember that we’re both human beings. Nice thing to be reminded of in this strange situation we know as "auditioning." Hooray! Success!

Chose to do my scary monologue first: Shakespeare….Goes fine. Not spectacular. But Shakespeare’s NooooooTTTT my thing, so that’s to be expected.

Did not RUSH to transition into my second monologue. Grabbed a chair and brought it downstage center. REALLY took my time to shift the mood. Felt good. Success.

Went into my second monologue…Contemporary piece…Same one I did for Mark and Janet at NYU…Different one than I did at Juilliard. Why did I choose this one? Just feel like I'm more connected to it this morning than the other one. Gotta trust your instincts on these things. If you can't trust your instincts, what can you trust? GOAL is to surprise myself in the monologue. I will not make choices, rather I will allow choices to happen to me. Do NOT want to seem rehearsed. Ugh. Hate that.

Goes REALLY, SUPER AWESOME. I am surprised at myself in several moments. "Where the hell did THAT come from?"...Feeeeeels fantastic…Definitely the best (most fearless) audition I’ve ever given at Yale. No question.

Totally showed my heart. Didn’t pre-plan. Wasn’t just “reciting lines.” Really felt like I put those given circumstances in my stomach and then just let the monologue happen to me. Freedom!

Back to the waiting area…Which is as freezing as an ice box.

Waiting.

Waiting.

The LIST for the 10am hour is posted on the door. Everybody in the waiting room starts for the door...

TWO names on the page…out of a group of about 20 people or so…there were TWO names on the list. It's been this way every year. I've never seen more than three names. (They clearly know EXACTLY what they're looking for and aren't going to waste your time if they're not interested. But...man...only two names...that's HARSH.)

The second name...

Virginia Wilcox

HOLY F*#K! I JUST MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST CUT AT YALE!!!

Look up in the sky, people!!! Pigs are flying through the air.

Brrrrrrr!!! Hell is freezing over.

Seriously. I am in total shock. I have never made it to a "preliminary call-back" before. This RULES!

Why did I make it this year, as opposed to other years? Don’t know. Better monologue selection probably.

Maybe my previous "NOT YET" is about to turn into a "YES...NOW!"

Oh, hopes...don't get up toooo high. It ain't over yet...In fact, it hasn't really even begun...

I can hardly believe it. I am overcome. I hug the audition monitor, Sheria, and tell her how thrilled I am at the opportunity to do my pieces again...and that this is my third try at this...SOOOO EXCITED.

No time to think, I've only got a minute to catch my breath as I’m waiting outside the door to go back into the audition room and do my pieces for both Ron and Walton.

Damn, feels like I have to pee again...

:-p

Will my "preliminary callback" be a total disaster? Will I make the next cut and be invited to the "end-of-day" callbacks? Is Yale finally going to see me as a valuable candidate for admission in Fall of 2012? Or will I be taking the walk-of-shame back to the New Haven train station yet again?

Check back tomorrow and see what happens next...in PART TWO.

Loves,
Virginia

134. Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part Five (The Interview)

(This is the fifth (and final) post relating my experience at Juilliard Drama Auditions 2012. Click here for Part One. Click here for Part Two. Click here for Part Three. Click here for Part Four.)

Part Five: The Interview

I’m standing with Kathy, away from all of the others. She looks down at her clipboard for a second and then back at me...

“We’d really like for you to stay for an interview, if that’s alright. I know you must be exhausted. It’s been a long day.” 

"Yes! YES, I’d be happy to stay," I chirp. Are you kidding me!? I will SLEEP here all night long if necessary. There's nowhere on God's green earth than I'd rather be than HERE.

OMFG!!! I can hardly contain my elation! This is the BEST! This is my first time auditioning at Juilliard, because of their newly christened MFA program and I actually made it all the way to my FAVORITE part…The Interview.

I LOVE interviews. I mean, clearly I'm passionate about talking about the process and creativity and my journey and the art form and stuff...so much so that I started a blog about it all. HA!

Hallelujah!!

I turn away from Kathy and make my way back to my seat. The room has started to clear as folks have been gathering up their stuff to go...I say goodbye to several people that had been released for the day, including Toby. (Hope we'll see each other at the callback weekend in March! Fingers crossed!)

It was such a gift to have spent the day with soooo many wonderful actors. They really do have a knack for attracting some good human beings to the program at Juilliard. Everyone I came into contact with was exceptionally kind, compassionate and encouraging. Juilliard seems to value those qualities in their actors.

I lay down on one of the couches to rest my eyes, as the other 8 folks asked to stay were called into their interviews one by one.

Again, I’d be laaaaast.

For once, I was not at alllllll concerned, nervous or apprehensive in any way. I have never felt more prepared for an interview in my entire life. Or maybe I was just too exhausted to be nervous. Either way...I was oddly calm.

There’s a calmness that comes with clarity, I suppose. And I am very clear on why I’m here. I may not be the most talented, but with the passion and dedication I have to contribute, I just might be the most unabashedly committed. And that may not be "cool," but at least it's real. I am super excited to have a chance to be part of this community of artists...Even if it's just for today! I can't deny it! And I cannot think of anything better that I could possibly be doing than graduating from Juilliard in 4 years. No joke. That's pretty much the greatest thing I could imagine.

I’ve spent a lot of time this year getting to know Juilliard by watching everything I could find online, touring the school, attending the information sessions, and seeing all the 4th year shows. But, not only that, I've also been getting to know MYSELF waaaaay better than ever before by blogging about this whole process of preparation for grad school auditions. This blog has been the greatest catalyst for change in my life that I've ever experienced.

So, in other words, I know me and I know the school well enough to feel with deep conviction that I'd totally LoVE studying here for four years...with NO reservations what-so-ever.

"Thank you, Universe! I get to share my story! Fun!!!"

Around 10pm or so, I am escorted into James Houghton’s office and Rebecca Guy is seated by his side. His office is decorated in a modern style with clean lines and cool muted greys, with a simple desk, low circular glass table and two small couches. In stark contrast to the coolness of the furniture and the walls were a couple of HUGE, beautiful, warmly hued and many-colored pieces of art hanging on the walls. It is a beautifully balanced space, showing an affinity for both…stark simplicity contrasted with deep, rich, complexity. Love it. I feel at home.

Jim welcomes me in and I am directed to sit on the couch. Jim and Becky sit in two rolling chairs, opposite me.

As we begin, they make me feel as if I were a colleague or a friend rather than an applicant. Their kindness and curiosity and respect for my efforts in auditioning for Juilliard are deeply felt by me. I am happy to open-up and share... I discuss the blog! It is sooo fun to get the opportunity to talk about it and how incredible that whole experience has been with all of you guys this year.

(The preparation process has been so fulfilling (in and of itself) that I've actually found that I'm LESS attached to the weightiness of the outcome. I mean, I still want to be accepted to grad school. But if I don’t…I will it won’t be because I didn’t try my hardest and give it my ALL. And that by sharing my journey, there’s been value in it to other people too!!! We all (secretly) want to pursue a crazy dream…even if it doesn’t turn out the way you’d hoped or expected, you still grow from it.)

The interview is coming to an end and Jim asks me where else I am applying. I tell him NYU and Yale. Then he wishes me the best of luck on my journey and I really feel like he means it deeply. So no matter what, I feel a great sense of joy in the notion that someone that I respect and admire so much respects me back! To me, THAT’s better than any acceptance letter could ever be. That is success.

I am hopeful that I will get an email on February 17, asking me to come back to the school for the callback weekend in March! That would be WAAAAAY awesome, but if not…at least I know that even in this crazy-long audition day, I represented myself accurately, unapologetically, unreservedly, and passionately, with all my fears and flaws.

Juilliard really got an opportunity to see who I am…now only they can know if I am the right fit for their program, the kind of artist they’re interested in spending the next four years getting to know and helping to stretch and strengthen as an actor.

This day has been a dream come true...But it is a day that would NEVER HAVE HAPPENED if I had listened to allllll my doubts and fears. So I'm going to pull out my soap box and remind you all of a few things that I need to remind myself of...

Don’t underestimate yourself. Don’t let others underestimate you. Dream big. Put yourself out there. There will be people who will reach out and support you in your goals. Don’t forget…You’re not alone.

Thank you to you all for reading and giving me the opportunity to share my story with you. 

Loves,
Virginia

131. Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part Four (Pantomime With Words)

(This is the fourth post relating my experience at Juilliard Drama Auditions 2012. Click here for Part One. Click here for Part Two. Click here for Part Three.)

Part Four: Pantomime With Words

I stared at the door, waiting for it to open. It's was finally my turn! I’m the last person selected to audition for the entire faculty of Juilliard Drama today. YIKES!!!

Breathe.

Excitement. Fear. Joy.

Mind racing with a million thoughts and  a million outcomes.

Breathe.

"All you‘ve got to do is go in there and close-up the (imaginary) restaurant, Virginia." I thought to myself.

"You’ve worked in this place for years and scrubbed these tables a million times, right? You are completely comfortable here. This is YOUR space. You know what you’ve got to do. It’s been a looooong day and you can go home and relax as soon as the restaurant is clean.

That’s all. Just clean the restaurant.

Clear the tables. Wipe them down. Clean the menus. Sweep. Grab your stuff. Lock the door. Done.

Simple. Easy.

No need to control anything. No need to be a fancy actor. No need to impress anybody.

The words of the monologue will be there for you. You know them. Trust yourself.

And if you get distracted and forget… Just make it up. Who cares!? You know where you are and who you are and the story you’re telling. That’s all you need.

So go clean the f*%ing restaurant and get it done!"

As I was ushered into the room I was greeted by the gentle hum of laughter and conversation. The room was a-buzz with energy and the faculty clearly seemed to be having a good time together. James Houghton took the lead (naturally) and asked me what play my piece was from. I told him and he asked me to give him a second to write it down.

As he wrote, I scanned around the room, turning on my heels...taking in the acting space…figuring out mentally where the door was…and the kitchen…the counter…the stools…the 6 tables and 12 chairs (all imaginary…but very clearly defined in my head). It was as if I was creating a movie in my head...with chairs and tables coalescing from the ether and into my reality. God…Acting is such a weird job.

Anyway, I woke from my conjuring trance and looked back at Jim Houghton, who was staring back at me intently.

“Oh! You ready?” I said.

“Yes.” He said.

That was my cue. GO!

I began to move with purpose walking stage right toward the “door” while removing my glasses, my zip-up jacket and putting my hair up with a hair-tie. I had work to do…Don’t want to deal with hair in my eyes.

Then I walked across the room to the “kitchen” to grab my tray. I imagined that the person I was speaking to was sitting on a stool at the counter,...my friend Josh to be exact, who had stopped by the restaurant to hang-out and watch me close. He's telling me to quit this crappy job...and I'm explaining to him why I can't and why I won't and how I see a greater purpose in my work...even in the very un-glamorous job of waitressing. That I want to be good at everything I do...And that my job here touches people's lives...and that has value.

So as I began to clear the tables, I was speaking to him…But I wasn’t thinking about speaking to him…I was thinking about clearing the table without breaking things. And then I grabbed an imaginary rag and spray bottle filled with cleaning fluid and sprayed down the first table and wiped it off. Then I continued with this process for the rest of the six tables…still talking…managing to remember my lines…turning away from the audience sometimes…oblivious to their presence (as much as possible). Then I threw the spray bottle in a cabinet and pulled up a real chair to imaginary table #1. I grabbed a stack of my imaginary menus and sat down to wipe them clean. Some of them I’d clean vigorously and some slowly or sometimes I’d stop and check in with my imaginary Josh…to make sure he was still listening to me… which he was. It all depended on what I was saying in the moment and how that made me feel.

Then I realized I was about to run out of words. So I thought, f*%k the sweeping. There's no time for it now. I gotta get outta this place. I’ll do it before I open tomorrow. Then I put away my imaginary menus and walked back across the room toward the door to grab my jacket and my glasses. I scanned the room to make sure that everything was done and I hadn’t forgotten anything. I zipped up my jacket, said the last line and turned away as if to leave.

Of course, in reality I was just standing in a huge studio staring at a wall. LOL! Again…Acting is such a weird job.

I took a moment to breathe and let the imaginary world I had created fade away gently behind me…for both myself and my audience.

That was my pantomime with words.

How did I feel about it? I really don’t know!!! I was just doing it…So I don’t know if it was any “good” or not…But one thing I DO know for sure…that imaginary restaurant is CLEAN. ;-p

Then I turned back around, smiled gently and slowly walked back to the center of the room.

Then Jim asked me what I would like to sing. I said, “Make Someone Happy…Oh, Richard…Would you like me to do the regular version or the version with the adjustment?”

Richard smiled at me and said, “Oh, just sing the song.”

"Oh, right...sorry. Sure. Okay."

So I did.

Then the room got quiet after I had finished and Jim leaned forward and asked me THE QUESTION…

“So, why grad school, Virginia?”

Oh, my God in heaven. How to even BEGIN?

My heart began to pound all the way in my toes...

Singing ain't scary...Confessing to an entire panel of people that have the ability to make this girl's grad-school acceptance DREAMS come true...NOW THAT'S SCARY.

The passion of all these years of trying and dreaming and hoping and trying again and hoping and failing and trying AGAIN…all welled up in my eyes.

“I want to be a part of this community,” I said, as I fought to keep my composure. I was NOT going to lose my s#%t now. OH, HELL NO. I have worked tooooo hard at this to come off like a blubbering fool!

I continued to speak...Gathering momentum...Trying to breathe and stay focused... “I felt such a connection to this place from the first time I took a tour and met Kathy and then every time I’ve visited here since…or seen a show...I feel it more and more.” And then I went on and on about the camaraderie amongst the faculty and the respect and care they have for the students and my desire to invest in myself with this training and building a foundation for a life-long career and I how much I love this…"

And so on and so on. Ya-da, Ya-da.

Confession: I have no idea WHAT I said, actually. It was really a blur. But I meant it all with every piece of my heart...And the above is my best estimation of what I think I probably said (for posterity’s sake.)

Jim thanked me for my audition. I thanked him and the rest of the faculty and walked out the door and back into the quiet of the hallway. 

It was done. I had survived my pantomime with the faculty of Juilliard.

I sat down in a chair. Grabbed onto the edge of the seat for support. Looked up to the ceiling. And I let myself cry.

It felt good, actually...good to cry. It's what I needed to do.

Austin, one of the current grad students, gently sat down next to me and told me about one of the times he’d had a breakdown in class and how it’s all par-for-the-course in the Juilliard experience. He made me smile. It was comforting.

I could breathe again.

Enough of the angst, Wilcox...Now it’s time for games!

I wiped away my tears, ran up the stairs and removed my shoes and socks, leaving them in my bag.

I found Toby and gave him a HUGE hug and said. "Thank you. Your hug gave me the love to get through that audition. You gave me your energy. I could feel it. Thank you. That was awesome."

He grinned at me. I grinned back.

We joined up with the rest of our group as we all made our way back down the stairs and into the audition room again with the faculty.

The next hour or so was sooooo much fun. We did so many fun exercises/activities/games together. I won’t bore you with all the details, but lets just say...it was just like being a kid again and playing pretend....Only, this time, I was playing pretend with a room full of the BEST pretenders you’ve ever played with. Everyone’s imaginations were bouncing off the walls!!! It was fantastic to behold and to participate in. There was excitement in the air. It was electric! Laughter one moment, silence the next, cheers and then tears.

Ahhhh, actors...we are a unique breed. We are sensitive and yet, bold. We express our way of experiencing the world passionately and (ideally) unapologetically...in public.

After we we’re all done running around and playing fun games, exhaustion started to set in. We all tromped back up-stairs and collapsed in the waiting area...just bodies laying on the floor, slouching on the seats and benches...It’s about 9pm at this point... And I’ve been up since 6am...and I'm sure I wasn't the only one. So, everyone’s a bit punchy, for sure.

Then Kathy appears, clipboard in hand. “Okay, everyone. Hope you had fun in there!”

We all responded with cheers and comments of joy and laughter.

Kathy continued, “Wonderful! I had so much fun watching you all working and playing in there. Thank you for that...Now, I know it’s getting late and you must be feeling the length of the day by now. However, we’re going to as some of you to stay and interview, if you are up for it. You’re all under consideration for the final callback weekend. So if you’re asked to stay for an interview tonight or not, it doesn’t “mean anything” either way, just know that. And we may be contacting you at a later date for a phone or Skype interview, if we feel that’s necessary, okay? Now, I’m going to call you over one-by-one to discuss with each of you individually.”

I love Kathy. She is one of the most genuinely warm-hearted human beings alive. Juilliard is soooooo lucky to have her.

So she started calling each of us over to her, alphabetically from the top of the list. Ha! You know what that means? I’m last.

Patience is a virtue and having a “W” name allows me to practice it often.

After a few moments of checking my phone and biting my cuticles and checking my phone again and looking around to see if people were getting ready to leave or settling-in for more waiting...I hear Kathy’s voice above the mild chatter in the room...

“Virginia?”

My turn. ~gulp~

I get up from the floor where I’ve been sitting and trot over to Kathy Hood. Holding my breath and smiling...hoping that I would be asked to stay, but trying hard not to expect anything more than the already ammmmmazing experience that I’ve had.

I’m standing with Kathy, away from all of the others. She looks down at her clipboard for a second and then back at me...



Loves,
V



P.S. Will Virginia be asked to stay for an interview? What will tomorrow's post be all about?

...Stay tuned...I hope you will enjoy PART FIVE, the final chapter in my Juilliard Drama audition tale.

130. Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part Three (The Faculty)

(This is the third post relating my experience at Juilliard Drama Auditions 2012. Click here for Part One. Click here for Part Two.)

Part Three: THE FACULTY

Mine was the very last name on the callback list from the Juilliard Drama auditions that morning.

I was one of the lucky 18 selected to stay and audition for the entire FACULTY that afternoon.

As I walked down the hallway toward the room where the other 17 Juilliard hopefuls would be waiting, I tried to breathe.

"Stay calm, Wilcox." I thought. "You can do this. This is what you’ve been working so hard for, right? Don’t be scared. Enjoy it!"

Standing outside the door, checking people on the list was Kathy Hood, Administrator for the Drama Division. She was looking down at her paper as I approached. When she looked up at me her face lit up with joy, she gasped and wrapped her arms around me with a quick hug and said, “Virginia, there you are! Thank goodness. I was so worried. All the rooms were clear of people and we didn’t see you. I was concerned that you didn’t see your name on the list and had left the building! We’re so glad you didn’t leave! Come on in. We’re going to take a photo of you and then you can have a seat.”

I smiled and my heart was filled with joy because one of my wishes had just come TRUE! And not the one you might think...If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you may remember my concluding paragraph in post 34. Recap - Year 1/Year 2 - YALE Auditions... I included an imaginary interchange I was hoping experience someday... in reality. Well, this brief exchange with Kathy felt EXACTLY like that imagined conversation...Slightly different words, but the feeling was the same…Being welcomed, being valued, being appreciated. I wasn’t just a statistic to Kathy Hood…I was Virginia Wilcox…and she was glad that I was here.

And, let me tell you…I was glad to be there too.

After I had my photo taken (Just an awful deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face, but what can ya do?...It’s honest) I took one of the empty seats and realized that I recognized someone. It was the beautiful blue-eyed girl from the subway car! (I will call her Melinda.) I told her that I recognized her from the subway car, that I had spotted her as being an actress right away. She grinned from ear to ear and said, “Really?! Wow! Thank you so much. That’s a nice thing to say.” (I loved her response. She’s obviously proud to be an actor. And that is GREAT! So many of us adopt an apologetic tone when we regretfully admit that we are ~gulp~ lowly actors, but not Melinda! She was thrilled to be identified as an actress! So refreshing! What a joy!)

After everyone had their photos taken we all headed upstairs where they had LUNCH waiting for us. NO JOKE. I don’t know about you, but one way to win me over and make me a devoted and loyal fan for life is to provide me with free food. So that was AWESOME and much appreciated by all. Everyone was starving by this point! !t was probably around 2:30pm-ish.

As we ate... we got to sit around and chat with each other and the three current students who were there to take care of us and help facilitate the callbacks. They were three super friendly and supportive and humorous angels: Mary, Austin & Angelina.

We did some paperwork stuff too…They had printed out sheets of paper for each of us, telling us all of the things that were missing from our application files. I don't know how they managed to do that so quickly. Very impressive. (I need to send in my transcripts. Put that on the “to do” list.)

We were also handed a green sheet of paper with three questions on it. We’d be required to write a few short paragraphs answering three questions, so that the faculty could get to know us better.

Then we were lined-up in alphabetical order (I was last...naturally) and escorted back into the audition room to meet the faculty.

We all stood in a line facing them and they sat in a semicircle facing us.

It was like love at first sight! What an amazing, eclectic group they are.

We got to introduce ourselves first. They started with me.

“Hi. I’m Virginia Wilcox and I’m from Walnut Creek, California.”

And so on and so forth down the line...Like we were in a beauty pageant. Hilarious!

Then the faculty started introducing themselves in a similar manner…which I thought was very equalizing. We were alllll in the same boat together…doing our awkward introductions, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all and reminding ourselves where we came from before we even dreamed of ending up in this room together.

And now… the auditions were about to begin again. Only this time, we were each told what monologue the faculty specifically wanted to see us do.

For me…They wanted to see my contemporary monologue with the adjustment.

I thought to myself, “Whaaaaat??? How can this be? Do they really want me to go in there and pantomime cleaning up a restaurant? Seriously?!!! No way...God, I am about to go into that room and PANTOMIME in front of the entire faculty of JUILLIARD….Oh, dear lord. This is about to be humiliating. I am no good at pantomime. I am going to look completely ridiculous!”

My mind was racing as we walked back upstairs to the waiting area. HOW was I going to do my monologue with the adjustment and not forget my lines?...Shudder....

"Never mind. Don’t think about it yet." I thought to myself. "Focus on the next task…writing the answers to those questions…"

I don’t recall EXACTLY how the questions were worded or exactly what I answered, but it was something like this…

1. What is your greatest strength as an actor?
My Answer: Love. Love is my greatest strength as an actor. I love doing this more than anything. And, maybe determination also, I don’t give up. I will never give up. 

2. What is your greatest weakness as an actor?
My Answer: Fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being judged. I have been working to overcome these fears…or if not overcome the fear then just learn to lean into fear, rather than shy away from it. 

3. Describe an artistic event that has significance to you?
My Answer: I wrote about TEDxBroadway and my deep admiration for inspiring leaders.

I turned in my paper before I could start to re-read, re-think, re-consider and start feeling insecure that everything I had written was all WRONG.

"NO EDITING , WILCOX! Get it on the page and then LET IT GO!" Easier thought than done.

Then I walked over to the food table to get a snack and began a conversation with one particular young gentleman that I am sooooo glad I had the privilege to get to know...even if just for one day. (I will call him Toby.) He’s a BFA applicant…an old soul…sharp as a tack, but with the buoyant energy and imagination of a 9-year-old. This young man instantaneously won me over. I mean, how could I not love this guy? He was homeschooled too! We totally bonded…and shared with each other our fears about sucking big-time on the “adjusted” versions of our monologues. I could tell he was incredibly talented and would be very interesting to watch. I was captivated just by talking to him... I guess that’s what they call the “it” factor or “presence” or “star-power” or whatever. Anyway, what ever you want to call it, he has it…AND he’s a sweetheart too!

As much as I wanted to pre-plan every single move of this “pantomimed monologue” I was about to do, I knew that pre-planning too much would be a total disaster. I knew that my desire to pre-plan was just coming from a place of FEAR and my need to CONTROL the audition and try to get it RIGHT. The courageous part of me knew that I’d be able to survive with no plan…However, since this is a very IMPORTANT audition to me, I decided to compromise a bit and at least give myself a structure to play within.

So here’s what I did… I drew myself a picture of my imaginary restaurant.

If this was really my place of employment, then I’d know it like the back of my hand, right? And I’d have a closing routine of stuff that I alllllllways had to do every night to close down the restaurant, right? So that was my structure...knowing EXACTLY where I am and EXACTLY what needed to be accomplished with my cleaning tasks before I could leave the restaurant for the evening.

It made me feel a lot more relaxed to have clear picture of my imaginary restaurant, with 6 two-tops, a counter with stools, the kitchen on the left and the front door on the right. Simple.

And my routine?...Well, before I was allowed to leave the restaurant…I had to grab a tray and clear all the salt/pepper shakers, wipe down all the tables/chairs, wipe down a stack of menus and if I still had time left over…I could sweep the floor. Simple.

I was finally called down to the hallway outside the audition room. I was "on-deck" and waiting to go next.

Toby was right before me alphabetically. He was in the audition room getting it all nice and warmed-up with awesomeness for me. And, sure enough, a few seconds later he burst out of the room like a prize-fighter coming out of the ring from a win!

I stood by and watched him as he wound-down from the experience…keeping my distance. Allowing him to have his moment, waiting for him to approach me…or not. Then the monitor came out of the room and told him he was free to go back to the waiting area.

My turn.

Now.

Toby turns to me with a huge grin and wraps his arms around me in a big, strong full-body hug, so close and strong that I could feel the love in his heart bursting through his chest and sending an electric jolt through to mine. His belief in me was so deep and true, it made my bones ache. “You get in there and go for it, okay? You’re going to be awesome.”

“Okay.” I said.

He smiled at me with his reassuring grin and bounded away… As I turned to face the door…alone.

Loves,
V

P.S. Saturday's post… Playing games, exhaustion and…Will I survive my “pantomime with words?”

The only way to find out… check back here at…www.AcceptanceProjectNYC.blogspot.com

P.P.S. LOL! Storytelling rules!

P.P.P.S. Reminder: No post on Friday (as usual). My wrists need a wrest. ;-p

127. The Odds

"Our business in life is not to get ahead of others, but to get ahead of ourselves." - E. Joseph Cossman

If you only consider "the odds," why would you ever attempt anything difficult or "competitive"? You wouldn't...you'd just give up before you'd even given yourself a chance to try. And maybe you'd pat yourself on the back for being "smart" and "logical" (a.k.a. safe and boring).

But has being SAFE ever helped you to better yourself or your life or your sense of self-worth or your financial outlook or...anything other than just being safe? 

I mean, "safe" is fine if you just want to continue to confirm for yourself that you have no other option than to do what you're doing now and venturing out would lead to almost certain failure.

"So many things now are completely up to us, more than ever before. Where and how and when we work and invest and interact and instruct and learn...If you think you have no choice but to do what you do now, you've already made a serious error. It seems to me that passing the buck on this merely because it's easier than choosing is precisely the wrong strategy. It enables an abdication of power that will be very hard to reverse. It's up to you, and that's part of the power that you've got." -Seth Godin

Fear surrounding the "slim odds of success" is a big obstacle to overcome and stops a lot of people trying things. And...yeah, sure...It's scary. It's daunting. It's overwhelming. It's discouraging. True. True. True. True.

But you know what's just SAD...Not trying at all. That's the saddest story I've ever heard.

So...What does this have to do with auditioning for graduate acting programs? Wellllll, these are some odds that have made my knees a little wobbly at times...

Perhaps it'll give you a little context, as to how many people audition for programs like Juilliard, here are some numbers (provided by Kathy Hood, Administrative Director of the Drama Division at Juilliard...Thanks, Kathy!):

Total # of applicants for Fall 2012: 1387 (964 BFA and 423 MFA)  

200 will audition in Chicago and 200 in San Francisco - the rest are auditioning in NYC.

On the day of my audition in New York (1/28/2012), 161 people were scheduled to audition and 155 actually auditioned (6 people cancelled due to illness, etc.) 

18 people were called back from that group. (We actually had 19 because one other applicant, called back from the previous day, joined our group) 

9 people were interviewed.

On Friday, February 17th, emails will be sent out inviting 40 applicants (of that 1387 that auditioned) to come to New York for two days of "final callbacks." These two days will provide an opportunity for applicants to experience two days of classes where they will work intensely with faculty and have the opportunity to speak with current students. 

From the "Final 40" there will be 18 students selected for admission.

I wish I was a fantastically skilled statistician, so that I could crunch numbers and make a logical analysis and all sorts of fancy conclusions based on the above information.

However, that is not the way my brain works. My brain looks at it this way...


1387 = auditioning
18 = accepted 

1369 = rejected  

my logical brain = "What the hell am I doing here?"
my artist brain = "Maybe one of those 18 could be...me?"
my heart = "How many times am I allowed to audition before they'll stop me from trying again?"


So...Brain...Who is ruling the roost here? Who's really got the power? You or the numbers? You give your power away when you think of yourself as statistic. Failure is NOT inevitable...unless you don't even try...then it's CERTAIN.

You are a powerful human being and you have the ability to stack the odds in your favor...by learning as much as you can about how others have achieved success (no matter how statistically unlikely...somebody's getting accepted to grad school this year and it might as well be YOU), adapting the knowledge you've gathered to your own situation and taking action, continuing to make pursuing your goal a part of your DAILY life (not something that you'll "get around to someday" or you'll start as soon as you "insert your personal excuse here"...mine usually has something to do with "not enough money" or "not enough time" or "too embarrassing"), then surround yourself with supportive and inspiring people who will cheer you on and help you achieve your goal...oh, and DON'T GIVE UP! 

Then you're GOLDEN! Success is almost a SURE thing...of course, it may not always show-up in the "terms" you set in the beginning... or the way you had imagined...but you WILL be successful... eventually. Be patient. Be dedicated. SOMETHING awesome will happen. 

True story. 

I hope that will be YOUR story.

I hope that will be MY story.

F*#k the numbers.

Loves,

Virginia

"Success is not measured by what a man accomplishes, but by the opposition he has encountered and the courage with which he has maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds." – Charles Lindbergh

  

 

108. Don't Stop. Don't Give Up.

"The moment we lose sight of our vision, we're bound by the box we've been in up till now and the future doesn't exist in this box. Keep looking up and keep focused. This is a learned art - not a natural talent." - Marc Johansen, BeHyped

Or, in other words...

Don't stop. Don't give up. Keep tryyyyyyyinnnnnnng...

Loves,
V

P.S. Did monologues for TWO people this time!!! Yay!

First...did a classical monologue walking down the street in the Village with my friend D. He was super nice to let me do it. And we were just walking down the street and I said it to him as if we were having a conversation. I got distracted and forgot the words at one point...sort-of went back and repeated what I said before and got back on track...really started having fun with it and feeling less self-conscious toward the end.

He seemed to enjoy it...and said some encouraging things. Though the next subject that came up was...How are you going to keep it fresh? I said..."By doing it for different people in different situations and letting that inform the way I experience the monologue." He nodded and then the neeeext question he asked was...

"What are you planning to do if you DON'T get accepted?"...YIKES! I HATE THIS QUESTION. Um...here's my answer: live my life...work on building my voice over career...continue to work toward paying off all my debt...seek out creative people that I am interested in working with...or...I DON'T FUCKING KNOW...I'm focused on making THIS THING HAPPEN right now...I don't have a game-plan for every possible outcome...nor do I feel the need to do so. I will cross that bridge when I come to it!!! I will allow myself the time to reassess and reevaluate...THEN...but for now...I will spend my energy thinking about this moment and getting these monologues in my body...Thank you. Tirade done.

Second...Was at a noisy restaurant for lunch with my friend J...and I did THREE of my monologues for him. One contemporary piece, he had seen already...Felt great to do that one. He said it had improved. Score!

Then I did my Shakespeare piece...TOTALLY BOMBED. Could not possibly have gone worse. I completely forgot the words and had to paraphrase like three times...UGH! Awful!...Which was AWESOME! Soooooo glad to get that failure out of the way and now I know that I can survive it and also...I know better what I need to work on, especially with memorization...to make that piece stronger. He and I had a good laugh about it too... I love J.

Then I did a third piece...my other classical. I got reeeeally passionate and up-on-my-soap-box-y with it. He said that I should go do that piece into the People's Mic at the Women's Council meeting at Occupy Wall Street. :-) Now that would REALLLLLY take some balls. I think I'll remain a scaredy-cat on that one.

107. Commitment Device

"The best way to practice is by trying over and over again until you stop failing miserably." - Caleb Wojcik, Expert Enough

Commitment Device: a means with which to lock yourself into a course of action that you might not otherwise choose but that produces a desired result


The overriding and super-de-duper main important reason that I created this blog back in September was as a "COMMITMENT DEVICE" for my grad school preparation.

Second reason for blogging...it'd help me to connect with a supportive community of loved-ones and friends so I wouldn't feel so freakin' alone in this stretching-myself-in-the-pursuit-of-a-crazy-dream-ness.

Third reason for blogging...it scared the buh-jeezus out of me, the idea of committing myself to writing stuff that people would actually READ every day!

So I knew I HAD to go for it and do the blog, since it was something that frightened me. Because leaning into that fear...rather than shying away from it...would leave me with a feeling of ROCKSTAR-ishness...in that tippy-tapping-away-at-my-keyboard-blogging kind of way. And no, not because blogging is super cool...but because OVERCOMING YOUR FEAR is super cool.

Sooooo, I am going to continue to use this blog for its original purpose and publicly COMMIT to doing something that will help me overcome another fear: asking people if I can practice my monologues in front of them.

Non-actors may be thinking... "What's the big deal? You're an actor, Virginia. That's what you DO. Why would you be afraid of asking people to do your monologues in front of them? I'm sure they'd be fine with it."

Yeah, I'm sure THEY would be fine with it, but I get EMBARRASSED to put myself out there like that.

For example... imagine this awkwardness... You know that you reeeeeeally need to practice this monologue in order to be able to feel prepared for your grad school auditions...and reciting it alone in your room is NOT the same experience as speaking the words to another actual human and then reacting to what they're giving you in the moment... And you're sitting at lunch with a friend and you're talking about...I don't know... the weather...or whatever and then you pipe-in with, "Hey friend,...Was just wondering if you might be willing to do me a favor? I need to practice my monologues for grad school auditions. Would you mind if I did one of them for you right now...sitting here...in this restaurant...in public...where people can see and judge and the waitress might come by to fill your water glass as I get to the tearful part?"

PAUSE.

Ahhhhhhh! Does this sound like an awkwardly terrifying prospect to anyone else?

Potentially very embarrassing.

I want to practice my monologues and I want to have the courage to do what I need to do and not care how ridiculous I may end up sounding/looking/feeling, but how do I get over my resistance and fear!?

Here's what I like to ask myself in these types of moments (totally stole this from Tim Ferris BTW)...

"What are the worst case scenarios and how will you deal with them?"

Worst case scenario #1: My friend says YES
a. I do my monologue in front of her and she thinks it's terrible and tells me so to my face. I feel embarrassed.
b. I do my monologue in front of her and she thinks it's awesome and tells me so to my face. I feel embarrassed.
c. I do my monologue in front of her and the guy at the table next to us decides to chime-in with his opinion of my work. I feel angry. "Don't be rude and butt-in. I know this is a small restaurant, but at least pretend like you're paying attention to your soup and not to the conversation of the people at the table next to you. Be courteous."

Worst case scenario 2: My friend says NO
I feel a great sense of relief and then resolve to ask someone else to watch my monologues that day. Rejection is God's protection. (That's my new favorite phrase.) For whatever reason, my friend knows that they can't be an appropriate audience for me at this time. So I won't take it personally and I'll take the cue from the universe that there will be someone else out there to help me today...Or as I like to remind myself...Don't go to the hardware store looking for oranges.

Will I survive all of these worst case scenarios? Yes.

Are any of them that bad? No.

I feel like it helps to dis-empower the fears by actually writing them out.

Soooooo, anyway, I'm going to be writing a "P.S." about my experience doing this monologue practice thing every day until I my NYU audition on Jan 22.

PASSION!!! COMMITMENT!!! ACTION!!! That's what leads to success!

Right? Of course, right!

Loves,
V

P.S. Did a contemporary monologue for my friend B. We were sitting at a table in an Italian restaurant. It felt sooooo scary to ask him to be my monologue scene partner. But he was totally supportive and readily agreed. I directed the monologue straight to him. It started out a little wonky, but by the time I got rolling with it...it felt GREAT! I was sooooo happy to get to share the piece with him. He was very surprised by some of the dialogue and made some great faces in reaction to me. It was hilarious! Way fun! It definitely helped me feel less afraid of tackling that monologue in an odd situation again. YAY!

"Don't worry about how bad you do the first time. You learned to walk as a child by continually falling on your face trying to take your first steps. Life is the same way." - Caleb Wojcik, Expert Enough

99. Failure Club

OMG!!!! This is the coooooolest show! Click on the link below...

FAILURE CLUB
(Every Friday on Yahoo! Screen...Watch out NBC...You've got some competition.)

Dude...We should all be in Failure Club.

Start your own!!!!!

Why Failure Club is awesome...
1. Provides accountability
2. Provides moral support
3. You can help motivate others as you, yourself, are motivated
4. You can talk through your psychological issues and fears with others who can empathize and encourage you
5. Somebody is there to notice your progress...and call you out when your are procrastinating
6. The group can give suggestions for resources and next steps
7. The group can help you work through your own resistance
8. You are putting yourself in a SAFE environment of supportive and knowledgeable people where you will be able to take RISKS and FAIL BIG...and realize that you can get through it and you'll be a more courageous human being as a result!

"But, I'm afraid!"... Set yourself up to succeed by giving yourself some SUPPORT.

Q: How do I build-up confidence?
A: Push through the fear and do something that TERRIFIES you!

It doesn't even matter what happens as a RESULT of that fearful action...success...failure...whatever...You will feel like a ROCK STAR...from just having DONE that thing that you've been sooooo afraid of doing.

Awesome.

The issues addressed on this show are allllll the things that successful people MUST work through in order to  be okay with failure and ... BE SUCCESSFUL!

My question to YOU:
If you knew that allllll you had to do to make your dreams come true was overcome your fear of failing... could you do it?

Thinkaboutdit.

Loves,
V