169. Withholding

"The fact is: Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world...Try this for a couple of weeks and see how it changes your reality: Whatever you think people are withholding from you -- praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on -- give it to them. You don't have it?  Just act as if you had it, and it will come. Then, soon after you start giving, you will start receiving. You cannot recieve what you don't give. Outflow determines inflow. Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you already have, but unless you allow it to flow out, you won't even know that you have it." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Dude...the above quote seriously slapped me in the face on my plane ride home to NY from CA.

I was having this whiny moment of thinking..."nobody-really-listens-to-me"..."people-are-too-busy-with-their-own-lives-to-care-about-me"..."I-am-all-alone"....(ya know how it is... total pity party).

And then I read Eckhart Tolle's wisdom...and I was like..."Virginia, if you are busy thinking..."Why aren't people listening to me?"...then, guess what? YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO THEM!...And if you are sooooooo busy with your own life/blog/journey/selfishness....then you are not being present and caring for others!...And if you are lonely, then CALL someone...or speak to the stranger sitting next to you (they may be lonely too)...Don't WAIT for someone to read your mind."

Nobody is withholding anything from you. You're just not in a "giving mode." You're in a "taking mode."

Soooooo stop whining to yourself and get back to GIVING...and AMAZINGLY you will start receiving what you want.


You want to be appreciated?... Appreciate others.


You want people to connect with you?... Connect with others.


You want more love in your life?... Be loving toward others.


You want people to listen to you?... Listen intently to others.



Now...I really wish that this one was also true: You want to get into grad school?... Help others get into grad school.

LOL!  :) ...Okay, those sentences may not be quite as directly related as the others.

HOWEVER, if I switch it up, and say... You want your own dreams to come true?... Encourage others to make their dreams a reality.

Yeah, that could work... We shall see!

Hope you'll go out into the world today and give away whatever it is that you think you're not getting.

Try it. It's a "life experiment." See what happens.

Loves,
Virginia

"Behind the sometimes seemingly random or even chaotic succession of events in our lives as well as in the world lies concealed the unfolding of a higher order and purpose." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

142. The Impact Scenarios

Tomorrow is the day that Juilliard will be sending me an email to either...

A. Invite me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I'll be a contender for the first ever MFA class at Juilliard

OR

B. Tell me that they will NOT be inviting me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I will know that I am no longer under consideration for acceptance to the program for Fall 2012

Now...one might think that considering my feelings about my wonderful audition experience at Juilliard, that (in my mind) the below equation might apply...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOOD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BAD

However, it's really not that "black and white," now is it? Most situations are "shades of gray," and this one is no exception. We've all been in situations where a certain outcome could have a MAJOR IMPACT on your life and the lives of your loved ones.

And to an outside eye it may seem like a no-brainer, simplistic Good vs. Bad scenario, but to you...you know allllll the ramifications that an outcome will have on your life. Other people can't know all those things, only you know them about your own life and your own mind.

Success is sometimes just as terrifying as failure...and often times MORE so.

So to really understand the complexity of any situation, you've gotta analyze the IMPACT of that outcome on your life...on every area of your life that matters to you. There will be both a positive and negative impact...no matter which outcome happens. It's just a matter of which one is worse or better...according to your own values, life situation and personal preferences.

Do I want to get called back at Juilliard?

Yes.

Will it mean that my life will be perfect and happy and simple and easy if I get called back at Juilliard?

No.

So in anticipation of being overwhelmed by the actual outcome tomorrow...which I will have to be dealing with very soon...I'd love to take this opportunity tonight...To rationally think this through...as objectively as a can...before things get C-Ra-zY.

"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst." - Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)

So..... here are my impact scenarios for both outcomes (as best I can imagine them right now... hypothetically.)

PRETEND LIKE I GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: Joy!!! I love this school.
• Spiritually: I feel like I am on my "right path."
• Sense of Purpose: I am dedicated to becoming the BEST possible actor that I can be in this lifetime and using my gifts to have a positive impact on the world. This is the next step on that journey.
• Way I See Myself: I feel like I am the luckiest person on this planet.
• Way Others See Me: They might feel excited for me and get excited about keeping on working toward their dreams too!
• Friendships: I will get to make new friends at the Callback Weekend.
• Personal Life: I feel great about where I'm at right now. Glad that I'm single...whilst I embark on this very personal journey.
• Job: I could possibly have a new job soon: "Full-time Acting Student."
• Career: This could lead to a great big huge growth spurt for me that could lead to some incredible creative collaborations with awesome artists that I am yet to meet in the future.
• Financially: Will inevitably have a positive impact on my future prospects for being able to make a living as an actor.
• Physically (my body): I could have the opportunity to get up and MOVE everyday at school...vs. the sedentary sit-at-a-desk-all-day-and-stare-at-a-computer-screen job that I currently have.
• Physically (my home): Juilliard is in New York. So if I were to be accepted there...I could stay in my apartment in Astoria probably.
• The Blog: I'd get to write about the Callback Weekend experience and share it will all of you!!!

...and the NEGATIVE impact of being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally: Fear. I am terrified that after getting this close...that I will still not be accepted into this year's class and I will be crushed.
• Spiritually: I lose all sense of gratefulness and become a totally egotistical a-hole.
• Sense of Purpose: I lose my sense of acting as a "service job" and become completely self-serving in my pursuit of "winning."
• Way I See Myself: I start to see myself as a person who must be accepted by others in order to be able to accept myself.
• Way Others See Me: They may choose to see my success as "uppity" and "snooty" for me to want to be accepted to a school as prestigious as Juilliard.
• Friendships: I might lose some of them because people may react differently to me now.
• Personal Life: I could possibly be kissing my chance for a personal life good-bye. Who has time for a boyfriend in grad school?
• Job: I have to say goodbye to the comfy, familiarity of my day-job. (And I will miss hanging out with my bosses 5 days a week.)
• Career: N/A. (I cannot even pretend that this would ever have a negative impact on my career.)
• Financially: I could be looking at taking out some MAJOR student loans to attend this school. That's veeeery stressful.
• Physically (my body): It's going to be extremely physically demanding potentially.
• Physically (my home): School might be too much of a commute from Queens. If I got accepted I might be looking to move. Ugh!
• The Blog: N/A. (Can't imagine a negative impact on the blog. This is allllll part of the process. And the blog is about examining this process. So it couldn't be negative for the blog.)

Anyhoo, the over-all outcome of getting invited to the Final Callback Weekend at Juilliard (weighing both the positive and negative impact) would be exciting, scary, disorienting and destabilizing...but, over-all...GOOD.

PRETEND LIKE I DO NOT GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: I won't have to open my heart up to the emotional investment that one has to give as an actor. I can stay in my comfy-safe-normalness as long as I feel like it.
• Spiritually: I will keep hope alllll this has been worth it in terms of my spiritual growth and that I've had a positive impact with the blog, at least,...and that even though I may have failed to get in to Juilliard...that my sharing of the whole process has been good for others to read about.
• Sense of Purpose: Is tested...and re-assessed...and will become stronger as a new direction appears.
• Way I See Myself: As someone that tried...even when there was no guarantee of success...and may try again next year as well!
• Way Others See Me: As someone that keeps going in spite of failure.
• Friendships: My friendships are deepened, because those who care will communicate their support.
• Personal Life: I might actually have time to have a personal life now.
• Job: I will get to continue to build a stronger foundation of security, build confidence in my skills as an assistant and continue to get training to learn more about building databases. Sounds like fun, right?
• Career: I will continue to be a self-starter in my oddly-laid path to finding a way to be a professional actor full-time.
• Financially: I will definitely make more money at my job than I would in school.
• Physically (my body): I can still have time and flexibility to take dance class or continue yoga outside of my 9-5 hours at work.
• Physically (my home): I get to stay right where I am.
• The Blog: I get to write about how it feels to get so close...and then...not get it...and how the hell does one deal with that psychologically? 

...and the NEGATIVE impact of not being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally:  Whew...REALLY painful. Will be suuuuuuper dissapointed.
• Spiritually:  I feel like the Universe has forsaken me. How can this be true?
• Sense of Purpose:  I lose my sense of momentum and give up hope at this loss.
• Way I See Myself:  I see myself as someone who ALWAYS gets close...and then loses in the end.
• Way Others See Me: They may see me as a person who may be able to do other things well, but that I will never be successful at the thing I really care about...acting. 
• Friendships:  They pity me...or worse...keep telling me to believe in myself when I've lost the desire to have that belief.
• Personal Life:  I don't have a personal life. Prospects are not good.
• Job: I will stick with the one I've got foooooorever...even though it's not exactly creative.
• Career: Juilliard will not be the next step of my career path. Back to the drawing board
• Financially: I will continue to make a living from something other than acting (and way less awesome) for the foreseeable future.
• Physically (my body): I still get to look forward to sitting in a chair all day.
• Physically (my home): N/A
• The Blog: Do not get to write about the Juilliard Callback Weekend experience. Will have to try my best to find someone willing to guest-post...but no guarantees on finding someone willing to be publicly transparent...like I am crazy enough to be.

(Okay...so some of these negative responses are a LEEEEETLE extreme. But I think it helps to write it out... and disempower even the shadow of those ideas in my mind. Makes it less scary. 'Cause when I read them on the page, they just seem silly sometimes.)

So here's the REAL equation...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOODBAD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BADGOOD

Yay! That's a WIN/WIN!...Sort of.

Now...if only my my logical mind will be able to help my heart deal with the emotional aftermath of the outcome when I open that email tomorrow! We'll see how that goes.

(Whew! Writing this post was exhausting! Sorry it was suuuuper long, but it's been a complicated journey in my mind....How am I feeling about all this? Honestly? I think I'm totally overwhelmed...but rather than going out and drinking and numbing-out...I write lists...still it leads to a similar numbing-out sensation. Weird, right? LOL! That's just me, I guess.)

;-p

Wishing you love in analyzing your own impact scenarios this year.

It's alllll goodbadgoodbad, isn't it?

Loves,

V

P.S. Super grateful to even be HAVING these kinds of dilemmas. Truly, I feel extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to audition for Juilliard this year.

P.P.S. No blogging on Fridays. See you Saturday, guys! I promise to let you know what happens then, okay?

P.P.P.S. I can't believe that I just posted all this online. I mean...who does that? All well. It's definitely been part of my process. Yikes! ... If you've gotten this far...thanks for reading. :-P

11. =IF(logical test, [value_if_true], [value_if_false])

Okay, guys… Am totally about to geek-out on you this morning…

But I seriously woke up thinking about how the “=IF” function in Excel applies to my life. This is a true statement.

Excel is about as “math-y” as I get. Really it’s just a big, fancy calculator on a grid.

The way functions work in Excel seems magical to me. And I love magic.

So my subconscious is making magical calculations in my sleep? 

So be it.

Let me explain… Stay with me now... 

The “=IF” function in Excel checks whether a condition is met in a certain cell and then, in another cell, returns one value if that condition is “True,” and returns another value if that condition is “False.”

I do this to test my beliefs.

In Excel…

=IF(logical test, [value_if_true], [value_if_false])

In my head…

=IF(I am powerful beyond all measure, [I should believe this statement and live my life as if I am a powerful person that can make an impact for good in the world], [I should disbelieve this statement and live my life shrinking in fear, feeling powerless and focusing only on my own weakness and self-protection])

Hmmmm? Which value would I rather choose? The [value_if_true] or the [value_if_false]?

TRUE! Clearly serves me better. No question.

And this function can and has applied to soooo many areas of my life…

Relationships…

=IF(I deserve to have a loving relationship that brings joy and growth into my life every day, [I should believe this statement and take great care in allowing someone into my life who will love me unconditionally and will allow me to love him unconditionally and I will not settle for anything less], [I should disbelieve this statement and fearfully cling to any relationship, even if it negatively affects my life, because I am lucky to have someone, anyone paying attention to me and the thought of being alone scares the crap out of me])

Finances…

=IF(My time is valuable and I am capable of supporting myself financially on my own, [I should believe this statement and know the specific amount of money I need to make in order to live the lifestyle that feels best for me and continue to search for work until I find a job that will give me that amount of compensation so that I will never have to stress-out about how I will be able to afford to pay my bills], [I should disbelieve this statement and take the first job that comes my way even though it really doesn’t pay me enough to be able to survive but it’s better than nothing and looking for a new job is scary and takes effort so I’ll just stay with this one that really doesn’t serve me because I don’t feel confident that it is actually possible to get paid the amount of money I need to be making anyway])

My Body…

=IF(I have a healthy/sexy/beautiful body that I feel great in, [I should believe this statement and make healthy food and exercise choices every single moment to continue to support the health and longevity of my body because I am strong enough to take responsibility for my own choices and my body is a precious gift that I have been given and I love myself and I enjoy the feeling of satisfaction that I get from taking great care of it], [I should disbelieve this statement and know that no matter what I do I will never be able to feel great in my body so it doesn’t matter that I eat unhealthy because changing my behavior with food is too hard for me and I can’t make it a priority to exercise because I don’t have time and even when I do exercise it never actually makes me feel any better anyway so there is no point in trying because I am just going to fail and feel worse])

Applying to Grad School...

=IF(I am worthy of acceptance to the graduate school of my choice, [I should believe this statement and fearlessly move forward and apply myself doing everything I can to prepare the best way I know how to become the kind of student that I would respect and admire and want to be in class with because I am dedicated and talented and passionate and have gifts to contribute to the world and it would be a shame for me to waste my life away sitting behind a computer for the next 30-50 years], [I should disbelieve this statement and give up trying because I have failed twice already and that must mean that I am not talented enough to get in and maybe I'm not actually any good at acting anyway and trying a third time and failing will be so devastating and embarrassing that I may spontaneously-combust and I will forever be known as that loser who tried and failed three times and then burst into flames of inadequacy and it's dumb to follow your dreams anyway because dreamers are silly people that delude themselves into believing things that are never going to happen and though other people are sometimes lucky and get into those schools I will never ever be accepted and I shouldn't even try])

Yup. 

Jump into my head, people! Ha!

I love the “=IF” function. Who knew it would be so applicable in non-math too?!

And it definitely helps to write out the false statement. Because it always sounds so silly when you read what you’ve written and you know that it’s SOOOO clearly false, but sometimes it sounds true in your head.

Disempower the false!!! Write it out!

Essentially, I ask myself… If this is true, what else is true?

Annnnd… as I am able to make tiny changes to improve one area of my life… those skills, that confidence, that momentum can lead to improvements in the other areas of my life as well.

Do your own logical test. What’s your “=IF” Function?

(Geekiness. Done. Close parentheses.)

((((Love))))

Virginia

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(Williamson, Marianne. A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3])