58. Self-Destruction 101

"There is hardly anything worse than fatigue. It will insult you, berate your performance, cast false comparisons and sneer. Even your worst enemy is not as cruel as a tired mind." - Jennifer Gresham, Everyday Bright

Confession: I have officially over-extended myself... And all the tasks that I'm usually able to juggle in the air are dropping like bombs. 

The day-job is kicking my ASS right now. I am freakin' exhausted and have not been able to make time do any of my 5 daily practices that lead to happiness in more days than I'd care to admit. I haven't been sleeping enough. I haven't been writing my morning pages. I haven't been exercising or eating well. I haven't even been doing the dishes!!!

Life feels super sucky and stressful right now. Bleh!!!

I mean, it's not like I'm performing brain surgery at work or anything. It's just that I really want to be spending more time working on my monologues and my grad school applications and I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME right now. UGHHHHHH! It's frustrating. 

I just gotta take it moment-by-moment and breathe and get to the end of November and things will all turn out fine. I am hoping that December will be filled with me doing less and getting more of the IMPORTANT things accomplished... Not all this November busy-work that's driving me to insanity.

But in the meantime, I am noticing a reoccurring theme that happens when I hit my exhaustion threshold... I get blatantly, unabashedly, passionately SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.

You may be thinking.... "Ha! Virginia? NO WAY. She's like the QUEEN of self-care."

Yeah, right.

Well, get this... I was craving a cigarette last night... and I don't smoke. I KNOW. SCANDAL, right?

Oh, no... people... it gets worse... way worse. This is a deep, dark secret I am about to share with you...

We've all got our "go-to" self-destructive activities or whatever... those not-good-for-us things we do that help reinforce our already bad feelings about life/self/the world... And this is mine... 

~ Gulp. ~ Here goes...

I've got an email from my ex-boyfriend that I have saved in my phone that I allllllllways have the urge to read when I am really feeling self-destructive. 

DON'T JUDGE... You know you've got something that's your self-destructive equivalent... Maybe it's not an email... Maybe it's eating a full pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting or biting your cuticles (okay, I do those ones too), but there's SOMETHING...

Anyway, you KNOW it's not good for you, but you do it ANYWAY... Because you don't want to do something GOOD for you... You WANT to self-destruct! There's something soooo self-destructively satisfying about it. 

;-p

The ex-boyfriend email one of the nastiest emails I have EVER received. Oh, it is a self-torturer's dream come true!!!...

Put yourself in this scenario:

The person that you love more than anyone you've loved in your life and that you shared your heart/body/soul with for yeeeeears and yeeeeears and the person you thought had some unique insight into your soul and knew you better that anyone else in this whole-wide-world... He is telling you in WRITING that you are.... disloyal, duplicitous, competitive, a narcissist, a coward... that you lied to him, that you used him, that you never expressed remorse for what you "did to him." He goes on....You are a talker and a taker. You can't stand to be alone. You blame others for things to make yourself feel better. You were only interested in him because you weren't otherwise occupied with another guy. He'll never trust you. He doesn't want to be the "back-up-sucker you lean on when you're not feeling good about yourself." And he wraps it all up in a nice bow by ending with...I still love you and I wish you happiness.

#epiclovefail

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kill me now!!! Why do I keep reading this over-and-over? 

Help! I need my quote of a lifetime!

Wait... Self-Destruction-Fest-2011 does not end here... Ohhhhh, noooooo...

The scorned-woman Facebook message is a close second to the ex-boyfriend email... but I never have the urge to go back and READ that one. Don't need to... I have the most hurtful section MEMORIZED. 

She called me a "second-rate cruise-ship actress." OUCH!!! 

But, seriously, that REALLY hit me hard at the time. She said a lot of other mean things about my character, but none of those really resonated with me, because she didn't really know me... but the second-rate-cruise-ship-actress thing... Yikes! That HURT. 

But it was motivating too... because I felt like I resembled that remark... and I KNEW I could do better than second-rate. 

#getyourshittogether

Anyhoo... I stopped falling for cute boys who had "open relationships" and started focusing on my own life and how to move myself in the direction of "first-rate."

Sloooowly, but surely...

"It's often from a sense of discontent, feelings of incompleteness, or even a twinge of true unhappiness that the seeds of great accomplishment are sown." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

Should I really let these emails go? YES. Yes, I should. But then what would I do in my self-destructive moments? Huh? Love myself? That's not the POINT!!!

I know, I know, I know... I seriously need to go get some sleep. That solves WORLDS of problems in my own head. It's true.

H.A.LT.

Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. 

I know the self-destructive starts to happen when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. (Mostly it's TIRED that's the issue for me.) I am getting better at learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice more appropriate ways to meet my needs and resolve issues in a healthy manner... and not resorting to reading mean emails that will continue to break my heart over and over and over again.

"Being scared doesn't mean you can't make a difference, broken hearts can still love just fine, and feeling lonely doesn't mean you're actually alone." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe

Imperfectly,

Virginia

"Forgive me, first love, but I'm tired. I need to get away to feel again. Try to understand why. Don't get so close to change my mind."

- Adele, First Love

42. “New Thoughts For Actors” or “Jack Plotnick Is My HERO”

“Most of us go around thinking that not only are the thoughts in our head the truth, but that everyone else has the same thoughts, and holds the same things to be true. This is exactly why people go to therapy.  It is to find the things that we take as “truth”, that other people don’t. As soon as we realize that other people don’t necessarily feel the same way, we are freed from the constraints of that old belief.” – Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors 

Ladies and Gentlemen… my new HERO, Mr. Jack Plotnick…

In my on-camera class at The Barrow Group (which has no affiliation with Jack Plotnick, FYI.), I recently made another HUGE self-discovery...

I. Have. Issues.

Lol! It’s true. I know you guys are all in shock at this information.

Fo realz… I’ve got some major negative-thought issues that seriously inhibit my own personal enjoyment of my work as an actor. The end result may be a “good scene,” but at what cost? If I spend the whole time SUFFERING in my own head while doing it, is it really worth it?... NO! 

Ugh! Bleh. Torturing oneself with negative thoughts of self-doubt feels sucky and is no way to build a sustainable career. Acting should feel FUN and EASY… and if it feels that way… It’ll probably look that way too. 

And by learning how to get these unhelpful negative thoughts gone from my brain, perhaps others will be inspired to do the same. Then we can all be happy, living in our fun, non-judgmental world of creative joy!   J Ha!

So here’s my main issue…

When I get overwhelmed as an actor… (for any reason) incorporating new business, new acting notes, new lines, anything that needs to be adjusted on-the-fly with no time for “practice” or “preparation”… I suffer in my own head… big-time… Negative thought over-load! 

Why? Because I have this BELIEF that with no time to practice I will never be able to do it RIGHT and hence I am about to FAIL and therefore I am a BAD actor that no one will ever want to work with and my bad acting is about to be recorded on-camera and EMBARRASS me for all recorded time. 

~Shudder ~ Terrifying… and TOTALLY FALSE.

Here’s what Jack Plotnick has to say about my negative overreaction to actor-overwhelm:

““If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical.” In other words, if your reaction to something is bigger and more emotional than the situation really calls for (“hysterical”), then you are not really reacting to the present situation, but to some situation in your past (“historical”).”

Oh, Jack... your bounty of wisdom knows no bounds! 

Yes. I am being hysterical and I do know that it’s rooted in some historical s*#t. True dat.

However… I do not have to be a victim to these historically ingrained bad habits of the mind! Cut to Jack...

In becoming more self-aware about my self-destructive-self-talk-issue I can now start to practice seeing this issue for what it REALLY is… an illusion of my own creation.

The REALITY is... I am just as capable of being "connected" in a scene with 2 minutes of preparation as I am with 2 weeks of preparation. In fact, sometimes 2 minutes of preparation is preferable, ‘cause I won’t have time to over-think things and end up too polished and boring. Having 2 minutes of preparation forces me to stay in the moment and listen and react because I LITERALLY don’t know what’s about to happen in the scene. Now... if I can just learn to trust and not be so afraid of the "not-knowing" thing... THAT's the key to having a good scene and ENJOYING the experience of being in it. 

AWWWESOME!

So, as Jack recommends, when my self-destructive thoughts come up, I can use an affirmation to disempower the negativity avalanche in that very moment… like…

“I release and destroy my need to get this right... F*%k it. Dare to do it WRONG.”

OR

“I am going to take it from where I am. The amount of preparation I have done on this scene is enough for me to approach this scene as an improv.”

That'll shut my "vulture" up, right quick! And that will lead to...

FREEEEEEDOM!!!! 

Now I can play! Now I can be in the scene and not be wasting my energy judging my own performance while I’m in it... which is soooo not helpful to doing good work.

And the more I practice this affirmation technique, the better I will get at it. Until, eventually, I will have created a new HABIT Of POSITIVE THOUGHT and my old, forgotten, negative way of thinking won’t even BE an issue anymore. 

That’s what I’m looking forward to… And I’ll get there too...

One. Thought. And. One. Affirmation. At. A. Time.

After all… a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. So I might as well spend my time thinking some really good thoughts and begin to BELIEVE that I am a great actor… because if I don't believe it, how will anyone else believe it? 

But more importantly, I LOVE acting and I want it to be an enjoyable experience... always!

Anyhoo, enough about me. What about YOU? We've all got issues... and even if you're not an actor, these same skills apply. 

What’s your issue? Is there an affirmation that you can create to counter-act it?

Don’t sit idly by and let fear and negative thoughts control you! It’s never going to help you do anything great in this life. And you are a powerful being with love and talent and gifts to give the world, if you will get out of your own way and let your light shine! Soooo, find your affirmation! Listen to your TRUE voice… a voice based in LOVE.

For more inspiration and some really useful tools… check out Jack Plotnick’s FREE online book New Thoughts For Actors: A Practical Guide ToLoving Acting (and even auditioning!) Again.

Vultures are for the birds,

Virginia

P.S. Just for fun, watch this…

31. Approved!!!

“Favor and disgrace seem alarming.  High status greatly afflicts your person.  Why are favor and disgrace alarming?  Seeking favor is degrading:  alarming when it is gotten, alarming when it is lost.  Why does high status greatly afflict your person?  The reason we have a lot of trouble is that we have selves.  If we had no selves, what trouble would we have?  Man’s true self is eternal, yet he thinks, I am this body and will soon die.  If we have no body, what calamities can we have?  One who sees himself as everything is fit to be guardian of the world.  One who loves himself as everyone is fit to be teacher of the world.” 

(Wayne Dyer’s interpretation of the 13th Verse of the Tao TeChing. Taken from "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living The Wisdom of the Tao")

Seeking the approval of others leads to suffering:

If you gain the approval of others, you suffer… for you will become dependent on it for your feelings of self-worth and the continual seeking of that approval becomes an addiction that can never be satiated.

If you don’t gain the approval of others, you suffer… because you will keep pushing harder and harder to change their minds and your life will constantly be directed by external forces rather than your own inner guidance system.

Therefore, it is crucial to remain independent of both the positive and negative opinions of other people.  Regardless of whether they love us or detest us, if we make their opinions and assessments more important than our own, it will ultimately lead to dissatisfaction with ourselves and cause us pain.

(Or as they say in the theatre... "If you believe the good reviews, you have to believe the bad ones.")

Your earthly body isn’t your true identity. To find your place of peace you must begin to trust your true eternal self and allow that identity to communicate with you. 

In "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life," Wayne Dyer challenges his readers to do the following:

For one day, give up all need to be praised by others or to seek their favor.  Try for one day to listen to what this beautiful eternal self has to say to you.  And what you will find is a place of peace, which will remain with you always.

Give yourself the approval you seek.

Peace,

Virginia

“Keep eliminating the attachment to old ways.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path