An (almost) daily conversation about my process of preparation to apply for acceptance to the MFA Acting programs at Juilliard, NYU-Tisch and the Yale School of Drama in 2012.
"Practice allowing your essential nature to shine by not enforcing judgments on yourself that were imposed by others. Remind yourself that you don't have to do anything: You don't have to be better than anyone else. You don't have to win. You don't have to be number 1 or number 27 or any other number. Give yourself permission to just be. Stop interfering with your unique natural being. Lighten the burden you carry to be productive, wealthy, and successful in the eyes of others..."The Tao does nothing, but leaves nothing undone"...The air, sky, clouds, grass, wind and flowers...nothing natural that you see is undone, but nothing is taking place to work it all out." - Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life
The above is exactly how I have NOT been today. Hope you've been faring better than I.
Gotta get back to my essential nature...and stop stressing-out about doing non-essential stuff.
Current self-assessment regarding monologues: I suck at them.....And when I don't happen to suck at them. I have no idea how to repeat that "magic" experience on a consistent basis. Hence: the desire to go to grad school and LEARN HOW TO DO THAT BETTER.
Now this lady makes monologues look easy. Watch this video of Ms. Anna Deavere Smith...
(If you want to listen to an AMAZING audiobook. Checkout her Letters to a Young Artist. It's POWERFUL.)
Me = Not CONFIDENT at monologues
That's why I love this word: DETERMINATION....That's something I KNOW I can do! I'm just gonna hold on to this bull for dear life...even if it kills me.
But it won't...'cause I'm only auditioning for grad school.
Riding upside-down,
Virginia
P.S. Went into Edge Studio and recorded all four of my monologues in the booth. It is sooooo distracting hearing myself through the headphones. I am completely freaked-out by the sound of my own voice. And every single disingenuous moment is completely obvious in an audio recording. Ugh, it was a tough exercise...recording myself. I sound veeeeery stilted and self-conscious. Which is accurate. Am I glad I did it? Don't know. I DO know that I am a terrible judge of my own work. And I can almost guarantee, that if it feeeels safe and comfy...it's probably terrible. And when it feels like I want to jump out of my skin...that's probably better. Ugh. Over-acting is waaaay easier than acting. Hopefully being a good actor isn't one of the requirements for acceptance to grad school. :-p
"Decide to be happy and the world will beat a path to your door." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe
Okay, so I'm going a little bit crazy with all the awesomeness that's been coming my way lately. I feel like the Universe is listening to me and bringing me EXACTLY who I need into my life right and left. It's uncanny!
The only thing I can think to explain it...is that when you're super clear about what you want and you keep putting it out there...that that's what you want...well, eventually it comes to you... it walks through the door and says hello...and more than that...hugs you and makes you feel like you're reuniting with an old friend...when you've only just met.
...So that's THAT awesomeness.
Annnnd there's THIS awesomeness that Juilliard just uploaded to their YouTube channel...
I love modern technology. When I was graduating high school, I didn't have access to stuff like this video. I feel like it demystifies the whole "Juilliard" fortress and makes the school seem HUMAN and accessible...which it IS! Soooo coool! And very well-done as well. Love the music and the editing. They really did an awesome job with it. They definitely succeed in making me want to apply...which, HOORAY...I am.
(My audition for Julliard will be January 28, 2012, by the way...So you can mark your calendars to PRAY for me that day or send me GOOD-VIBES or send me your love, luck, support, whatever...I will take it all! It's alllllll much appreciated!)
Another awesome thing...
Anyone remember Jack Plotnick from waaaaaaay back when in post number 42? Wellllll, he was in New York this week doing some acting workshops. I was LUCKY enough to get a spot and had a freakin' amazing experience. I was AGAIN reminded that I am a terrible judge of my own work. It seems that when I am at my most UNCOMFORTABLE and UNCERTAIN...that's when I am doing my best work.
So my question is...How can I get more comfortable with being uncomfortable and more certain that uncertainty leads to brilliance?
Ha ha ha! That's how my brain works...MUST BE COMFORTABLE...MUST BE CERTAIN...But for acting that also means...MUST BE BORING. So... gotta let go of the need to be comfortable.
Jack's got some amazing tools for doing just that and sooooo much more in his book New Thoughts For Actors. Check it out. It's FREE. And he's on YouTube toooooo!!!
Exciting!!!!
Let's see... What else?
Had a motivating lunch with MyBodyTutor, Adam Gilbert and two other MBT clients...the talented and wonderful Nick Dothee and Abby Burke. In November, I practically fell completely off the MBT radar...Got sooooo overwhelmed with work. But now I'm back...and ready to increase my fitness for 2012 and beyond! Yay! It helps to hear how many great things Nick and Abby have to say about the way they feel from eating healthy and exercising. It seriously changes your brain chemistry and makes the world seem like a better place. True story.
OHHHHH! And... memorization...remember how freaked-out I was about getting those monologues in my brain...all FOUR of them. Well, this is my new favorite memorization secret...I currently learn lines best on the elliptical machine. I did three consecutive days of 30 minutes on the elliptical...reading a monologue out loud...over...and over...and over...and...by the third day...I was completely off book! I mean, WOW!!!! I learned that monologue in an-hour-and-a-half over three days. I think that's pretty freakin' fast.
Yes... I did look like a crazy person talking to myself. Did I care? NOOOO! If it'll help get me into grad school...I'm happy to look like a crazy person at the gym any day.
I was AMAZED at how fast the memorization happened with this concentrated method...no music...no tv...just my script, my breath and my heart beat. Yes! It's incredible how the body and the mind are connected. I don't know why I'm so surprised by that...but it's just crazy to think that the best way to remember words (which I think of as an intellectual thing) is to move the body (a physical thing). So I will continue with this mind/body technique until all four monologues are second-nature to me.
Still gotta submit my online applications for NYU and Yale...hoping to get to that this weekend.
But everything's in the works and movin' and I am excited by all the support the Universe brings when you initiate some forward motion.
So keep on keepin' on, people!
Loves,
Virginia
"The fat lady hasn't started singing yet, but she's holding the mike and the band is about to play." - Craig Moffett, Investment Analyst
"There are a thousand thoughts lying within a man that he does not know 'til he takes up a pen to write." - William Makepeace Thackeray, novelist (1811-1863)
Thoughts are crazy things. Sooo hard to pin-down sometimes. If you're wrestling with an issue and you can't work it out... write it out. Get it out of the recesses of your mind and onto the PAGE where it can be viewed more objectively.
Expressing oneself in writing brings clarity to a whole new level... Even if the only thing that you clearly discover is how very UNclear you are about your feelings. Still, the writing of it will bring the unclarity into greater focus.
I prefer stream-of-consciousness writing... Which is a lot like my normal writing like I do here on the blog... except I never edit, don't worry about spelling or structure and allow myself to bop around from subject to subject on a thought-by-thought basis. This technique is based on Julia Cameron's "Morning Pages" from her best-selling creativity manifestio The Artist's Way. She calls it "brain drain." And it soooooo IS!
Nobody ever gets to read my "brain drain." In fact, I hardly ever go back and read it myself. It's nice to be able to wrestle with my thoughts using my pen and then just close the book and let it go.
Never used to think of myself as a writer. But I guess I am, sort-of... because I write things... a lot. My writing has gotten better over the years because I've been writing "Morning Pages." And I have a lot more fun with my writing now, because I don't judge it so much or worry about it being "good." It is what it is for now and that's good enough. I'm not trying to win literary awards... just want to be able to express myself and enjoy that process.
brain + cluttered with too many thoughts = unhappiness
When in need of a little clarity... Write it now. Write it out. Write it down.
If your pen tries to lie to you... you'll know. Your own personal truth is hard to deny in pen and ink.
Don't judge. Allow. Enjoy the process.
Love,
V
P.S. I've got a monologue coaching session today with Kathryn Bild! Yay! My four pieces have been chosen. Now the fun part begins... playing with the words and discovering these characters and learning. Fun!
"Even though you can't physically see a tree growing, doesn't mean it's not, right? Every day you get closer." - Mike Dooley, Tut's Universe
“When you are called to create, the psychology of the endeavor… changes. Experiencing a calling creates a sense of deeper conviction, of purpose that often you, even as the creator or vision leader, don’t fully understand…
This sense of deep commitment changes how you experience the emotions and challenges of the process. It helps steel you against the demons that dance around in your head, the resistance that taunts and teases you away from your work. It fortifies your uncertainty scaffolding, giving more ability to lean into risk and exposure, to act when you’re being judged from all sides. Judgment be damned, you’re doing what you’re here to do.
When you are driven by a calling or a deeply personal quest and you allow that calling to inspire action, you live in the world differently. You do a thousand little things you’ve never done before. You act and interact with more confidence and vitality. Your personal energy changes. The way you speak, the way you carry yourself, your willingness to move heaven and earth and to share and evangelize your vision become palpable manifestations of your will to succeed.
You begin to radiate the quest. You come alive. And people around you not only feel it, but become drawn to it. And to you… Purpose and passion enchant people. They want to be around you. They want to help you. They want to rally to your cause...
You may have experienced the power of being called to create, either as the visionary or the one captivated by someone else's vision. It may well have been more compelling than any well-constructed argument for action.
But in the end, such a calling is often based on a blend of unyielding faith and deep conviction that "this must be done." Nothing more, nothing less. And on the backs of that hard-to-defend faith and conviction lie some of the greatest creations and careers the world has seen."
You were put on this plant to do something GREAT. To contribute to the world in that way that only YOU can. Commit to doing that thing that you cannot NOT do. Let your light SHINE. Be dedicated to the quest of generously sharing your gifts with the world and the world will support you abundantly.
I am reading Uncertainty right now... and I have to say that it's completely on-point with my life and my heart and my thoughts and my philosophy and well... everything. So if anything that I've written over the past couple of months has resonated with you in any way... I urge you to go out and purchase this book or click on the link above and get it at Barnes&Noble online.
Reading this book may totally ANNOY you with all this motivation to do something bigger and greater and SCARIER than you ever thought yourself capable of doing. So if you're interested in sitting on your boo-tay and eating bon-bons and letting these precious moments of your life tick by and thinking to yourself, "If only I could... but... ugh... I can't... so what's the point in even trying?"... Then DON'T even think about touching this book.
Just sayin...
The quote I've included in this post is just a tiny nugget of the solid-gold insight into greatness contained within it's pages.
Every chapter reveals another keystone to understanding the psychology of the creative process and gives simple tools to help overcome the fear and resistance we all experience when trying to do something that we've never done before and is waaaaaay outside of the comfort-zone... but that we feel MUST be done.
I am so encouraged and inspired by this book that I just bought four more copies to give as gifts. True story.
I cannot say enough about it's wonderfulness... Except that I can't put it down and I feel like I want to call Jonathan and thank him personally for writing it.
Seriously... don't pass on the opportunity to let his words soak into your brain and experience the alchemy that will inevitably result. He's like the Rumplestiltskin of the creative mind... spinning normal thoughts of complacency into the GOLD of action.
Wishing you all a golden Sunday afternoon.
Love,
V
"The most successful people in the world are comfortable with discomfort, embrace uncertainty, and have fun with fear. Read this brilliant book and you will too." - Michael Port, author of The Think Big Manifesto(commenting on Uncertainty by Jonathan Fields)
“Most of us go around thinking that not only are the thoughts in our head the truth, but that everyone else has the same thoughts, and holds the same things to be true. This is exactly why people go to therapy.It is to find the things that we take as “truth”, that other people don’t. As soon as we realize that other people don’t necessarily feel the same way, we are freed from the constraints of that old belief.” – Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors
In my on-camera class at The Barrow Group (which has no affiliation with Jack Plotnick, FYI.), I recently made another HUGE self-discovery...
I. Have. Issues.
Lol! It’s true. I know you guys are all in shock at this information.
Fo realz… I’ve got some major negative-thought issues that seriously inhibit my own personal enjoyment of my work as an actor. The end result may be a “good scene,” but at what cost? If I spend the whole time SUFFERING in my own head while doing it, is it really worth it?... NO!
Ugh! Bleh. Torturing oneself with negative thoughts of self-doubt feels sucky and is no way to build a sustainable career. Acting should feel FUN and EASY… and if it feels that way… It’ll probably look that way too.
And by learning how to get these unhelpful negative thoughts gone from my brain, perhaps others will be inspired to do the same. Then we can all be happy, living in our fun, non-judgmental world of creative joy! J Ha!
So here’s my main issue…
When I get overwhelmed as an actor… (for any reason) incorporating new business, new acting notes, new lines, anything that needs to be adjusted on-the-fly with no time for “practice” or “preparation”… I suffer in my own head… big-time… Negative thought over-load!
Why? Because I have this BELIEF that with no time to practice I will never be able to do it RIGHT and hence I am about to FAIL and therefore I am a BAD actor that no one will ever want to work with and my bad acting is about to be recorded on-camera and EMBARRASS me for all recorded time.
~Shudder ~ Terrifying… and TOTALLY FALSE.
Here’s what Jack Plotnickhas to say about my negative overreaction to actor-overwhelm:
““If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical.” In other words, if your reaction to something is bigger and more emotional than the situation really calls for (“hysterical”), then you are not really reacting to the present situation, but to some situation in your past (“historical”).”
Oh, Jack... your bounty of wisdom knows no bounds!
Yes. I am being hysterical and I do know that it’s rooted in some historical s*#t. True dat.
However… I do not have to be a victim to these historically ingrained bad habits of the mind! Cut to Jack...
In becoming more self-aware about my self-destructive-self-talk-issue I can now start to practice seeing this issue for what it REALLY is… an illusion of my own creation.
The REALITY is... I am just as capable of being "connected" in a scene with 2 minutes of preparation as I am with 2 weeks of preparation. In fact, sometimes 2 minutes of preparation is preferable, ‘cause I won’t have time to over-think things and end up too polished and boring. Having 2 minutes of preparation forces me to stay in the moment and listen and react because I LITERALLY don’t know what’s about to happen in the scene. Now... if I can just learn to trust and not be so afraid of the "not-knowing" thing... THAT's the key to having a good scene and ENJOYING the experience of being in it.
AWWWESOME!
So, as Jack recommends, when my self-destructive thoughts come up, I can use an affirmation to disempower the negativity avalanche in that very moment… like…
“I release and destroy my need to get this right... F*%k it. Dare to do it WRONG.”
OR
“I am going to take it from where I am. The amount of preparation I have done on this scene is enough for me to approach this scene as an improv.”
That'll shut my "vulture" up, right quick! And that will lead to...
FREEEEEEDOM!!!!
Now I can play! Now I can be in the scene and not be wasting my energy judging my own performance while I’m in it... which is soooo not helpful to doing good work.
And the more I practice this affirmation technique, the better I will get at it. Until, eventually, I will have created a new HABIT Of POSITIVE THOUGHT and my old, forgotten, negative way of thinking won’t even BE an issue anymore.
That’s what I’m looking forward to… And I’ll get there too...
One. Thought. And. One. Affirmation. At. A. Time.
After all… a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. So I might as well spend my time thinking some really good thoughts and begin to BELIEVE that I am a great actor… because if I don't believe it, how will anyone else believe it?
But more importantly, I LOVE acting and I want it to be an enjoyable experience... always!
Anyhoo, enough about me. What about YOU? We've all got issues... and even if you're not an actor, these same skills apply.
What’s your issue? Is there an affirmation that you can create to counter-act it?
Don’t sit idly by and let fear and negative thoughts control you! It’s never going to help you do anything great in this life. And you are a powerful being with love and talent and gifts to give the world, if you will get out of your own way and let your light shine! Soooo, find your affirmation! Listen to your TRUE voice… a voice based in LOVE.
“Judgement kills creativity. Judgment kills the artist. For when we judge, we are doing more damage to ourselves than the person we are judging.” – Peter Pamela Rose, Actor’s Spiritual Toolbox
Don’t judge… Notice.
“Cut people slack… Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some situation they find themselves in. Forbearance is a form of generosity.” – Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project
When I judge, I find myself closed-off to the learning that’s there to be gained from a critical thought. So now I make an effort to notice rather than judge. When I notice something, I’m not immediately placing a value on it… good/bad… right/wrong. I try to let go of my ego and take it in and allow the information to permeate my brain, if it’s useful… I keep it… if it’s not useful… I forget it.
“The beginner scorns criticism. The wise soul carefully weighs it. And the Master says, “But, of course!” – Mike Dooley, Tut’s Universe
There’s something valuable to be learned from every experience and every situation,... good, bad, ugly, sexy, annoying, painful, awesome, amazing, etc.
“I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration form the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.” – Khalil Gibran, mystic, poet & artist (1883-1931)
But when fail to NOTICE and start to JUDGE myself or others it triggers a defense mechanism inside me, this fear of being judged myself… which closes me off to my source, my heart, my creativity. And accessing those things with a child-like spirit of play is the greatest joy in my life. So allowing judgment to kill that? Nope. F-that. I’d rather kill the judgment… or let it go… if a less violent way is preferred.
“If something is not working let it go. If something wants to work really well, let it into your life.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path
Essentially, I don’t like the feeling of being judged, so I don’t like to inflict that kind of negativity on others. I don’t blindly close my eyes though, I do notice things, but my urge to JUDGE generally comes from my own fear of inadequacy or my ego’s defensive need to try to make myself feel superior and safe… None of which have any lasting value in the creative process.
So judgment? Bye-bye! Noticing… Hello!
“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” – Dorothy Nevill
Some people think that being super judgmental makes them seem smarter. And maybe they do seem smarter… to other judgmental people. But do I want to create a new work of art with Mr. Judgy McJudgerson? Nope. That sounds like no fun at all… and I’d rather be creative than seem “smart.”
“Sometimes a man wants to be stupid if it lets him do a thing his cleverness forbids.” – John Steinbeck, novelist, Nobel laureate (1902-1968)
Besides it’s easy to destroy something, to tear it to shreds and point out all the flaws. But seeing the potential in things requires vision, creativity, specificity... and, dare I say, bravery... especially when your speaking-up in a crowd of fear-addicted McJudgersons, bless them.
“Giving positive reviews requires humility… A willingness to be pleased requires modesty and even innocence.” – Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project
So next time you feel the urge to judge… notice yourself judging… and choose for yourself.
To judge or not to judge? That is the question.
Imperfectly,
Virginia
“Ah, good taste, what a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness.” – Pablo Picasso
