159. Treading Water

"When you feel happy, really happy, it somehow seems that you've always been happy and that you'll always be happy. The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared. Something, perhaps, to remember." - Mike Dooley

You know how it is...When you're sooooooooo close to finishing that paper...or closing that show...or finishing that project...or completing that remodel...or closing on that house...or crossing that finish line...and YOU JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT!?!

Yup...That's MEEEE right now! Feeling sooooo reluctant to even TOUCH my computer when I get home. (And that's veeeeery unusual for me.)

But here I am...again...

B L O G G G G G I N G.

I had a difficult time deciding how I wanted to title today's post. I went with "Treading Water," but here are some of the other options I was considering...

"Yup...Still Blogging"

"Going Thru The E-Motions"

"Senior-itis"

"Are We There Yet?"

"Why Am I Still Doing This?"

"Another Day...Another Blog"

"Not Into It Today"

"Only 21 More Posts...And It's ALL DONE"

"Endurance Test (A+)...Grad School (Fail)"

"Please Let This Be Over Already"

"Who Even Cares About Getting Accepted To Grad School I Just Want To Complete This F^*ing Blogging Project So That I Can Go Back To Not Having To Think About What I'm Going To WRITE All The Time"

:-p

LOL!

Clllllleeeeeeearly, I am feeling a bit resistant to blogging today/this week/ever since I got that rejection email from Juilliard. Yup. Just gotta be HONEST...I think that was the turning point for me...when this project turned into a BiG, HUGE...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

Answer: Blogging...That is what I am doing with my life.

Is that really what I want to be doing?

Answer: No. Not really.

I want to be ACTING!!!!!

Why AM I STILL DOING THIS THEN?

Short Answer: Because I said I would...And I am going to keep my promise if it KILLS me.

Long Answer: I made this blog for a couple of reasons...
1. As a commitment device...to help me stay on-track with my preparations for auditioning for grad school. (Which no longer applies...since there is no more "preparation" left to do...just waiting...waiting for the rejection email from NYU to come at the end of March.)

2. As a record of what my process has been from start to finish. (This still applies... because... TECHNICALLY... the whole process is not really OVER until I get that last rejection email from NYU. All the waiting and doubting and fretting and avoidance and ups and downs and ya-da, ya-da...that's all part of the process to.)

So I suppose today is one of THOSE days...doubting...fretting...questioning...discouraged... But STILL BLOGGING anyway.

Note to self: If you want to be an actor: act. If you want to be a blogger: blog.

Seems simple...However, this logic did not occur to me when I began this project. I did NOT start this blog in order to become a BLOGGER...Yet...that is what I feel like has happened as a result of this project.

I STILL haven't been accepted to grad school...but I have a blog. A BLOG is what I have, so I am a blogger. (That I can use that label in reference to myself is such a weird realization!) I've taken on a role that I didn't really intend to be so...all-consuming. And...right now...I don't really want the responsibility that goes along with that role...with this blog. I don't WANT to share...I don't WANT to be a blogger...I want to go HIDE...like I used to be able to...before I started writing 6-days-a-week and spilling my guts in public to the blog-o-sphere.

How often to we fall into roles that we never intended? All of the sudden you blink your eyes and you're a FATHER...or you discover yourself accidentally introducing your "friend" as your "boyfriend"...or you've been promoted and you've suddenly got a fancy title and authority...or your parents pass away and you are the "head of the family" now.... or any kind of unexpected development occurs...and you're like...Wait a minute....HOW DID I GET HERE?  Do I really want to be here? Or am I here because it was the easiest/most natural thing? Or is it just my luck? Am I here by mistake? Or am I just a pawn in a greater plan that's unfolding for everyone?

I don't know the answers...

But for now... I am just showing up at my computer because I said I would and I am being honest...I feel like I'm treading water...So I'm blogging about feeling like I'm treading water...(Imagine that!)

Not feeling any forward motion...Just trying to keep my head above the water, breathe and not drown.

As a proverbial water-treader...I am totally successful.

Whoop de do.

Good thing tomorrow's another day...Could be another opportunity to tread some more water...or maybe catch a wave that'll carry me to shore.

Guess it's up to me...I can chose to ride the wave...or let it pass me by...but I refuse to go under. That ain't gonna happen.

Sigh,
Virginia

"The trick isn't to never fall down, it's to never stay down." - Matt Frazier

97. Comfortably Uncomfortable

"An atmosphere of growth brings great happiness, but at the same time, happiness sometimes also comes when you're free from the pressure to see much growth." - Gretchin Rubin, The Happiness Project

I love the feeling of pushing myself to do something outside of my comfort-zone.

I also love the feeling of being comfortable and doing something I know I do well.

How does one strike a balance? As artists, we always want to be challenging ourselves in our work... but how much is too much?

Only YOU can know your own limits...and only YOU can motivate yourself to push beyond them...or not.

And how to do all of this in a self-loving way?...Allowing yourself to be where you're at, yet still maintaining the desire and momentum to grow?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Sometimes it is necessary to stop being lazy and get to work... Sometimes it is necessary to stop working and be lazy.

Do what cha gotta do. And be honest with yourself about it.

Can you challenge yourself to do a little bit more today? Or do you need to slow down and do a little bit less?

Both can lead to happiness. Only YOU know which one is right for you in this moment.

Love,
V

"I take no action and people are reformed. I enjoy peace and people become honest. I do nothing and people become rich. If I keep from imposing on people, they become themselves." - 57th Verse, Tao Te Ching

86. Fake It Til Ya Make It

"Action may not always be happiness...but there is no happiness without action." - Benjamin Disraeli in Lothair

I am sooooo not feeling it today.

It's one of those going-through-the-motions days. You know...when you're "here" but you're not really present.

Yup. Me-not-with-it = Today

However, I am taking comfort in the fact that I am still making it through the motions...I got out of bed, showed up to work on-time, accomplished things, spent time memorizing my classical monologue, ate well, got home from work at reasonable hour... and now I am going to the gym...to sweat and hopefully get out of this funk.

Nothing's "wrong"... in fact, everything is pretty damn awesome... comparatively. I just feel like all the joy was sucked out of my soul today. Maybe it's hormones? Maybe my body is fighting off that cold that everybody is getting? Maybe I don't have enough romance in my life? Maybe I need more sleep? Maybe I just need to step outside my bubble and get some freakin' perspective on the world? I do want to appreciate all my many blessings.

Maybe I'm just fine? Yup. Probably.

Soooo, I guess my strategy is to keep on faking-it like I'm feelin' good and continue taking action to do things that I know are good for me... like get my heart pumping at the gym... and hopefully my sense of inner joy will catch a hint and begin to feel more authentic.

Stickin' with it, though...whether I "feel" like it or no.

Stubbornly committed,
Virginia

P.S. Lighten-up, Wilcox...laugh a little. That'll do you some good. ;-)

68. What Is Your MIT?

"It’s very simple: your MIT (Most Important Task) is the task you most want or need to get done today. In my case, I’ve tweaked it a bit so that I have three MITs — the three things I must accomplish today. Do I get a lot more done than three things? Of course. But the idea is that no matter what else I do today, these are the things I want to be sure of doing.... And here’s the key to the MITs for me: at least one of the MITs should be related to one of my goals. While the other two can be work stuff (and usually are), one must be a goal next-action. This ensures that I am doing something to move my goals forward that day. 

And that makes all the difference in the world. Each day, I’ve done something to make my dreams come true. It’s built into my morning routine: set a next-action to accomplish for one of my goals. And so it happens each day, automatically. 

Another key: do your MITs first thing in the morning, either at home or when you first get to work. If you put them off to later, you will get busy and run out of time to do them. Get them out of the way, and the rest of the day is gravy! 

It’s such a small thing to implement, and yet I’m raving about it like it’s a huge revelation. But it is. Sometimes small things can make big differences. I highly recommend you give it a go." - Leo Babauta, ZenHabits.net

This idea has been key, key, KEY for me in helping to keep my sanity this past month... (Though the jury's still out on that one.)

There's way too much going on for me to be able to accomplish EVERYTHING I want to do in a day. Just forgetaboutdit!

But if I do that one important thing, I feel MUUUUUCH better about life... especially if that one thing is something related to building my DREAMS.

Because, in the long run... a year from now... even 3 months from now... 5 minutes from now... which will I regret more: not keeping my room tidy or not getting my grad school applications submitted on-time?

Um, that's a no-brainer. Clearly my priority is the application!!! Having a clean room is okay, but that's not my tippy, top, top priority right now. So... laundry... you will stay on the floor for now.

"Put all your energy on what you love to do in your career and very little on what you don't." - Peter Pamela Rose

And if I have to let some things slide for a while in order to make sure I am accomplishing my MOST IMPORTANT TASK... then so be it.

(On that note... if I'm not returning your phone call or replying to your email... this is probably why.)

I gotta prioritize and can't keep all the balls in the air all at the same time. And that's OKAY. As long as I am keeping my focus on taking action on the things that are REALLY important to me, that I will be proud that I took the time to do YEARS from now... 

And, for now... all the busy-work and day-to-day whatchamacalits that come up... I'll get to you when I get to you...or... NOT.

Use your precious energy wisely, folks. Today... do the thing that matters FIRST.

Love,

V

"There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all." - Peter Drucker, management consultant, professor and writer (1909 - 2005)

 

49. Setting My Intention For The Week

“Be gentle with yourself, but do the work.”

This will be my theme for the week.

Stuff’s gotta get done, for sure… and I want to accomplish things… but not push myself sooooo hard that it becomes counter-productive and I’m falling over with exhaustion and crying into my scrambled eggs... So unnecessary.

Gentleness and listening to one’s own internal barometer are KEY to happiness… 

And consistent actions are KEY to doing the work…

Balance? Ha! Easier said than done.

“Stop trying to control others and focus instead on being kind to them.” - Leo Babauta, Zenhabits.net 

The above quote applies to the self too! 

Focus on KINDNESS! 

Self-kindness = super important… and nice... especially while working.

Love,

V

  

25. Motivation Is Better Than Discipline

“Don’t let the “shoulds” of false responsibilities and expectations of others derail you from being fully present, awake and engaged in what you know you need … for yourself.” – Lena Stevens, The Power Path 

Big endeavors require a lot of discipline to see through to the end.  Applying to grad school is a many stepped process, that mere fact tends to weed-out folks that are not really willing to put in the work that it takes to apply. Those that stick with it, seeing it through to audition day, tend to be people that are able to demonstrate the discipline it takes to prepare and make things happen for themselves. I applaud them, each and every one!

However, I do not like “discipline.” I don’t like the word and I don’t really like to think of myself as a disciplined person… Though to the outside world, I may resemble one.

I prefer MOTIVATION. I am a motivated person. I do what I do because I am motivated to do so… by love… not by discipline.

Discipline = The heartless shell of motivation.

Soooo, in the interest of feeding my insatiable appetite for motivation…

I spent the weekend completely immersed in the worlds of Yale and NYU theatre. Saturday I took the MetroNorth to New Haven and attended “Three Sisters” at Yale Rep and took the subway on Sunday to see “Clybourne Park” and “Measure For Measure,” on 2nd Ave, NYC, with NYU’s 3^rd Year Grad Actors.

I am very fortunate to live close to both schools, so I am taking full advantage of my proximity.

Here’s what I found to motivate me in continuing toward my goal of acceptance to the grad acting programs at NYU and Yale...

"Three Sisters":

1.       Do I love Chekhov plays?... No. Three hours of fear-filled people complaining, longing, wallowing-in-misery and never actually GOING to Moscow? Not my bag. However, it did make me feel very strong feelings of anger and frustration at those characters' choices. (Not to mention, Les Waters is one of my favorite theatre directors of all time.) And theatre that makes you really FEEL something, well, that’s good theatre. And good theatre is something I’d like to be a part of.

2.       Brian Wiles and Josiah Bania were the two Yale MFA students in the cast of otherwise all AEA  professionals. Though they were cast as very minor characters, the energy and specificity with which they both embodied the lives of these young soldiers made them stand-outs. They raised the temperature of the room when they entered the stage, in a good way. Bravo you MFA students!!! You show those Equity actors how it’s DONE! I want to raise the temperature of the room too!

3.       Just being there, in New Haven, on campus, at the theatre, surrounded by academia… is motivating enough. I love how quiet it is and the beautiful stone buildings and the trees and cute little shops/restaurants and the students milling about discussing their drunk-tweeting binge from the night before.  Yale appeals to my suburban roots.  Drunk tweeting aside, it feels great to be there.

"Clybourne Park" & "Measure For Measure":

1.       "Clybourne Park" is a GREAT play… Not just a good play. It is a GREAT play. It’s timely, smart, well-written, socially-aware, concise, with beautifully complex and fleshed-out characters that you CARE about. NYU can pick ‘em. It was a fantastic choice of material. I’d be GRATEFUL to be able to immerse myself in a piece like that. Seriously. Motivating.

2.       The performances of the 3^rd Year Grad Actors in "Clybourne Park" and "Measure for Measure" were all super solid. Everyone demonstrated the quality of their training mixed with the unique inspiration that only they can bring… that thing that brings a character to LIFE. There were PEOPLE  up on that stage, and when they were at their best they were just BEING up there… LIVING… reacting… listening… It’s such a beautiful thing when you’re in the audience and you forget that it’s a PLAY. It makes me want to play too!

3.       Design… I have to say, the set/costume/lighting design on both productions were really fantastic. The attention to detail and effort that clearly went into every little thing… I mean, WOW! And there were only a hand-full of performances. No matter, they really went all out and it made the experience of watching the show that much more excellent. And excellence is very, very cool.

Soooo, I think I’ve got some nice motivation to keep me boppin’ out of bed at 5am to write this blog… and to work on my monologues and my personal statement and keep going to the gym and eating right and doing all those things that will help me be a solidly prepared candidate for the next class to be accepted at NYU, Yale… or Juilliard.

Discipline? :-p Who needs it? That sounds like torture.

I’ve got me some motivation… and that feels like JOY!

Loves,

V

P.S. For goodness-sakes, if you want to go to Moscow, don't just sit around talking about it for years... GO TO MOSCOW. But remember, when you get there, you're going to have to take yourself with you... so I hope you enjoy your own company! :-)

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” – Wayne Dyer