An (almost) daily conversation about my process of preparation to apply for acceptance to the MFA Acting programs at Juilliard, NYU-Tisch and the Yale School of Drama in 2012.
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on things you have long taken for granted." - Bertrand Russell, philosopher, mathematician, author, Nobel laureate (1872-1970)
The more I know, the more I know that I don't know.
And even things that I've learned before... I'm constantly re-learning over and over and over again.
I like to think of learning as an upward spiral rather than a straight line. Every time I learn a lesson and move up the spiral it still comes back around to the same questions, just at a slightly higher level.
Or sometimes not.
Re-learning things all the time can get frustrating, but I've begun to accept it as a part of my process and try not to beat myself up about it when I realize it's happened... again.
I like to try to cultivate something called "don't know mind," to take some of the pressure off of myself for not knowing things.
"A true "don't know mind" leaves a lot of room for your intentions to manifest in interesting and wonderful ways. When you commit to something 100%, without the need to know how you will get there, the universe will begin to weave it creatively into the physical world." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path
I find that when I release my attachment to knowing... that I am happier... I am more open. I learn faster and ultimately... questions are answered on their own time and in ways that I couldn't have foreseen anyway.
Some people use phrases like... "Let it go" or "It's all good" to help themselves release their attachments to things that they cannot control.
I like to say "Don't know." ~ with a smile and a shrug~
And the more I practice not knowing... the easier it is for me not to know things. And HOPEFULLY, some day, I will get sooooo good at it that I won't know anything anymore.
That'd RULE!
I mean, who really KNOWS anything anyway? Ya know?
Life's gonna happen...whether I KNOW it or not,
Virginia
"The way of illumination seems dark,
going forward seems like retreat,
the easy way seems hard,
true power seems weak,
true purity seems tarnished,
true clarity seems obscure,
the greatest art seems unsophisticated,
the greatest love seems indifferent,
the greatest wisdom seems childish."
- Lao Tsu, 41st Verse of the Tao Te Ching, Taken from Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer
“Most of us go around thinking that not only are the thoughts in our head the truth, but that everyone else has the same thoughts, and holds the same things to be true. This is exactly why people go to therapy.It is to find the things that we take as “truth”, that other people don’t. As soon as we realize that other people don’t necessarily feel the same way, we are freed from the constraints of that old belief.” – Jack Plotnick, New Thoughts For Actors
In my on-camera class at The Barrow Group (which has no affiliation with Jack Plotnick, FYI.), I recently made another HUGE self-discovery...
I. Have. Issues.
Lol! It’s true. I know you guys are all in shock at this information.
Fo realz… I’ve got some major negative-thought issues that seriously inhibit my own personal enjoyment of my work as an actor. The end result may be a “good scene,” but at what cost? If I spend the whole time SUFFERING in my own head while doing it, is it really worth it?... NO!
Ugh! Bleh. Torturing oneself with negative thoughts of self-doubt feels sucky and is no way to build a sustainable career. Acting should feel FUN and EASY… and if it feels that way… It’ll probably look that way too.
And by learning how to get these unhelpful negative thoughts gone from my brain, perhaps others will be inspired to do the same. Then we can all be happy, living in our fun, non-judgmental world of creative joy! J Ha!
So here’s my main issue…
When I get overwhelmed as an actor… (for any reason) incorporating new business, new acting notes, new lines, anything that needs to be adjusted on-the-fly with no time for “practice” or “preparation”… I suffer in my own head… big-time… Negative thought over-load!
Why? Because I have this BELIEF that with no time to practice I will never be able to do it RIGHT and hence I am about to FAIL and therefore I am a BAD actor that no one will ever want to work with and my bad acting is about to be recorded on-camera and EMBARRASS me for all recorded time.
~Shudder ~ Terrifying… and TOTALLY FALSE.
Here’s what Jack Plotnickhas to say about my negative overreaction to actor-overwhelm:
““If it’s hysterical, then it’s historical.” In other words, if your reaction to something is bigger and more emotional than the situation really calls for (“hysterical”), then you are not really reacting to the present situation, but to some situation in your past (“historical”).”
Oh, Jack... your bounty of wisdom knows no bounds!
Yes. I am being hysterical and I do know that it’s rooted in some historical s*#t. True dat.
However… I do not have to be a victim to these historically ingrained bad habits of the mind! Cut to Jack...
In becoming more self-aware about my self-destructive-self-talk-issue I can now start to practice seeing this issue for what it REALLY is… an illusion of my own creation.
The REALITY is... I am just as capable of being "connected" in a scene with 2 minutes of preparation as I am with 2 weeks of preparation. In fact, sometimes 2 minutes of preparation is preferable, ‘cause I won’t have time to over-think things and end up too polished and boring. Having 2 minutes of preparation forces me to stay in the moment and listen and react because I LITERALLY don’t know what’s about to happen in the scene. Now... if I can just learn to trust and not be so afraid of the "not-knowing" thing... THAT's the key to having a good scene and ENJOYING the experience of being in it.
AWWWESOME!
So, as Jack recommends, when my self-destructive thoughts come up, I can use an affirmation to disempower the negativity avalanche in that very moment… like…
“I release and destroy my need to get this right... F*%k it. Dare to do it WRONG.”
OR
“I am going to take it from where I am. The amount of preparation I have done on this scene is enough for me to approach this scene as an improv.”
That'll shut my "vulture" up, right quick! And that will lead to...
FREEEEEEDOM!!!!
Now I can play! Now I can be in the scene and not be wasting my energy judging my own performance while I’m in it... which is soooo not helpful to doing good work.
And the more I practice this affirmation technique, the better I will get at it. Until, eventually, I will have created a new HABIT Of POSITIVE THOUGHT and my old, forgotten, negative way of thinking won’t even BE an issue anymore.
That’s what I’m looking forward to… And I’ll get there too...
One. Thought. And. One. Affirmation. At. A. Time.
After all… a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. So I might as well spend my time thinking some really good thoughts and begin to BELIEVE that I am a great actor… because if I don't believe it, how will anyone else believe it?
But more importantly, I LOVE acting and I want it to be an enjoyable experience... always!
Anyhoo, enough about me. What about YOU? We've all got issues... and even if you're not an actor, these same skills apply.
What’s your issue? Is there an affirmation that you can create to counter-act it?
Don’t sit idly by and let fear and negative thoughts control you! It’s never going to help you do anything great in this life. And you are a powerful being with love and talent and gifts to give the world, if you will get out of your own way and let your light shine! Soooo, find your affirmation! Listen to your TRUE voice… a voice based in LOVE.
“You don’t have a “money problem;” you have a drive, will, and imagination block. Learn how to ask for and fight for what you want and say no to what you don’t want.” – Tom Todoroff, www.TomTodorff.com
I struggle daily with my own insecurities about this Acceptance Project blog… It’s especially difficult when I tell new people about it… people who have just met me… sssstraaaangeeeers. Yikes! Scariness!!!
But “Action Creates Confidence,” as I have tried to remind myself in my Personal Process Guidelines, so I keep putting myself out there and taking action to tell people about what I am doing and invite them to follow.
It’s rarely easy though. I wish that feeling confident would stick with me more consistently. I know that’s all part of the process…
Still…
When I tell other people about the blog, I am always met with a look of shock on their faces… “You’re doing what? Wow… That’s a lot… Um. Good for you.”
Most people say supportive things… I mean, it’s not like most people will stand there and make fun of you right to your face anyway, even if they do think you're totally insane.
Though I think that most people are generally supportive and some people actually get excited by the idea. I mean… why not? It’s not their blog. They may as well wish me well.
But it’s the look of pity that I sometimes get that’s the hardest for me to process. It’s the… “Oh, this poor girl is going to be so crushed when she doesn’t get into grad school... again.”
You know what the truth is? I won’t be crushed… I wasn't crushed before and I won't be again. Not at ALL! Rejection is status-quo. I am soooo used to it… Actually, getting accepted would probably throw-me more. Definitely.
Also…
Sometimes I get this icky feeling that I am totally uppity and pretentious to ONLY be applying to tippy-top-top-uber-competitive-nationally-renowned drama schools.
And yes. Maybe I am uppity.
But this is my life and I don’t WANT to go anywhere else. So other people can go to other schools… because that’s what they want. I, however, will continue to move toward my dreams… and hopefully learn not to apologize about it along the way.
To be perfectly honest, my main source of embarrassment with the project is that it’s totally over-kill.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally LOVE blogging every day about all this stuff. And it is helping me immensely to keep me focused and on-track.
However, I admit that starting a blog is a bit much. It’s certainly not required for admission to grad school. Ha!
Creating this blog in spite of my fears and reaching out to you all to follow… has helped me with another of my Personal Process Guidelines… “Don't Be Embarrassed To Over-Deliver.”
Why is this one is so hard for me?
I guess I feel like other people are able to put way less effort into things and still succeed.
Like they're living these "cool," effortless lives and I'm not.
But for me, the fun is in the effort. It may not be "cool," but I enjoy doing the work. I like knowing that I did EVERYTHING I could. I just don’t always enjoy other people noticing how much work I am actually doing. I feel like it makes them uncomfortable.
Of course, you guys know what I’m doing… and I appreciate that you are noticing.
But I still struggle with the feeling that it shouldn’t be a struggle.
:-p
The nice thing about feelings is that they change. Hallelujah! So I know that the bad ones will soon be replaced by good ones again. It’s only a matter of time.
As for the blog…
People who are into it… will enjoy being a part of it.
People who are not into it… won’t subscribe.
I’d rather have a few totally supportive people following, than a thousand people that are ho-hum about the project.
Though I am primarily writing this blog for my own benefit, I do hope my successes feel like your successes too! Because we’ve committed to creating this chapter together!
At the start of this project, I promised to keep showing up in your inbox every day (except Friday) and I will continue to do so, inner-critic be damned!
Resiliently,
Virginia
P.S. Out of curiosity, how do you quiet your inner critic?
“As soon as we consider giving up on anything, we are looking for reasons to support that decision. If we, instead, commit to a project, or mission,… then we look for reasons to stick with it.”- Adam Gilbert, MyBodyTutor
