Update #4: Keep Knocking On Doors

"When you're falling, dive." - Joseph Campbell

Well, this time the Juilliard door has REALLY closed...for good.

Today I was not invited to the final callback weekend. This is my second application and they only allow two.

I got the email while I was sitting at my desk at my very non-creative office day job...that I am "lucky" and "grateful" to have, but is nowhere near my passion.

So what did I decide to do when I got off of work?

1. Went straight home.
2. Ordered a half-rack of BBQ ribs from The Butcher Bar.
3. Sat alone on my bedroom floor and ate myself into rotundness.
4. Watched Melancholia on streaming Netflix.
5. Drank a glass of white wine.
6. Fell asleep, still in my clothes at 8:30pm.

Inspirational, right?

Ha!

I wish I could tell you that I giggled at my "thanks-but-no-thanks" email, didn't take it personally in the slightest, shrugged my shoulders, and toasted the Universe with my Poland Spring water bottle.

NOPE.

I believe the first words out of my mouth were "Motherf*%k#r!"

Sigh.

I'm still working out in my head what kind of story I want to tell myself about what happened and why. None of these stories or justifications in my mind are actually true. But we humans like to make up stories to explain things and comfort our egos. (Please read "The Power of Now" for more on this.)

I am trying to remind myself that it's not the event itself, but the way we explain the event to ourselves that causes depression. And if I ask myself depressing questions, I will get depressing answers. (Please read "The Bounce Back Book" for more on this.)

Truth be told, I am in no way ready to be all happy-go-lucky about this turn of events yet. For now I am fully embracing my wallowing in self-pity and sadness. (Waaaaah Wahhhhh Pooooor Meeee!) I need to allow myself to do that. Because when it comes to emotional pain, you can run, but you can't hide. And what I am going through is NORMAL.

FEELING means your DEALING means your HEALING. I will get over it eventually, but for now I am enjoying being sad, sad, sad.

However....

All my friends on FaceBook were super INSPIRATIONAL and ENCOURAGING yesterday! (The best part about sharing my grad school application journey online is the fantastic group of encouraging supporters that have rallied around me as a result.)

Here are some of the amazing quotes that were shared with me yesterday...to help me through the funk of disappointment. Hope they will be inspirational to you...more than my story of eating ribs and watching depressing movies.

(Thank you, FB friends...Hope you don't mind my sharing!)

Bryan 

“We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are.” ― Tobias Wolff

Kristin 

"Look on every exit as an entrance somewhere else." - Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"

Bryan 

"Have the courage to go beyond other people's rules and expectations. I pray that you will live and write your own story and then be brave enough to communicate it authentically to others. People will be inspired by it, people will learn from it, and people will have the courage to change their own lives because of the example you have set." -- Maria Shriver

Christine 

"Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." -James A Michener

Kevin 

Their football team is dreadful anyway.

Carrie 

"Fuck em." - Carrie Hill

Colin 

There is no one path to your goals. There is nothing about you that tells me you will not find your path.

Michael 

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." - Jimmy Dean

John 

Salted caramels heal all wounds.

Deborah 

Johann Gottfried Von Herder said "Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with sparks." YOU are one of the sparks!

Brenna 

"If you can dream it, you can do it."- Walt Disney

Lauren 

"Well, I suppose I must endure the presence of 2 or 3 caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies." - The Little Prince. Those butterflies are coming, dear one.

Cindy 

What might feel like REJECTION IS ACTUALLY the UNIVERSE'S PROTECTION. We are being protected from something that does not serve our journey, that would interfere with our trajectory, our process, or inspiration, our growth. Trust that all is well and unfolding perfectly for our utmost growth and transcendence. Life is not happening to us; it is happening for us! Also, there is no such thing as failure. The Universe never says "no" to our queries and pursuits. It says: YES .... or.... NOT YET .... or ... NOT THIS.... because there is something much more suited for us, much more magical that if given future hindsight, we would look back at our lives now and see the infinite potential and feel overrun by gratitude.

Nick 

Everything is a favor.

Wendy 

It will be your great story on The Tonight Show, which will go on to inspire others:)

Kerri 

No condolences! I truly believe, like you said, the universe IS looking out for you! It is better to have disappointment, and no regrets! So proud of your talent and courage! Another door is waiting to open for you! The right one! The best one for you!!!

Susan 

Here's a few from my "archives": 

"Blessed are the flexible, for they'll never get bent out of shape."

"Earth without ART is just 'Eh' ". (Love that) 

"It is a bad plan that admits of no modifications" - Publilius Syrus

"The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty and truth. The trite subjects of human efforts; possessions, outward success, and luxury have always seemed to me contemptible" - Albert Einstein.

"Who are you?, said the Caterpillar...I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present", Alice replied rather shyly, "at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then." - Lewis Carroll

"Cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all heavenly environment." - James Allen

Kathy 

We meet our destiny in unexpected places.

Sending big hugs to you all.

Wallow and be sad as long as you need to friends, then sing your heartache out and be happy with life just as it is.

Loves,
Virginia

P.S. Oh...and keep knocking on doors. One of them is bound to open eventually.

Update #3: Throw A Chair

Hi guys!

Confession: I've been procrastinating writing this post...You know..it's my "HOW DID AUDITIONS GO THIS YEAR?" post.

Ugh.

I have been putting a lot of expectations on myself about how it "should be"... How this post should be "profound and inspiring" or "hilariously funny" or "heartfelt and poignant." It's probably not going to be any of those things. Sorry!

("Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, Wilcox! You never would have started this blog if it had to be perfect! Just write SOMETHING"...I tell myself.)

In order to get me to actually sit down and write this post, I needed to let go of all of those "should" expectations and allow myself to write a boring, factual, short and simple account of what occurred at my MFA auditions this year (and how it felt).

Now... it sounds like I'm about to say that all my auditions went terrible this 4th year of applying and that's why it's been so hard to write about them! That's definitely not the case. I've just been in avoidance-mode. That's all.

Anyhoo...avoidance no more!

Here is the run-down:

OLD GLOBE (UNIVERSITY OF SAN DIEGO) MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: Ripley-Grier Studios, NYC
Audition Date: Thursday, January 24, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $55
How many times have I auditioned here?: Twice (2010 & 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Felt great!
Callback?: No. (But that's okay because Old Globe doesn't have callbacks.)
What happens next?: Now just waiting to hear from them.

NYU GRAD ACTING

Audition Location: Tisch, 721 Broadway, NYC
Audition Date: Friday, January 25, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $60
How many times have I auditioned here?: Four times (2010, 2011, 2012, 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Felt great! Had fun.
Callback?: Yes. Made it through same-day-second-round-callbacks with Mark Wing-Davey. That's as far as you can get on the day of auditions. Yay!
What happens next?: Now just waiting to hear if I will get invited to the "final callback weekend" in March.

(Read more detailed accounts of my previous audition experiences at NYU here: 2010, 2011 and 2012.)

JUILLIARD MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: The Juilliard School, Lincoln Center Plaza, NYC
Audition Date: Saturday, January 26, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $110
How many times have I auditioned here?: Twice (2012 & 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. Very emotional day. Felt really wonderful to have the opportunity to audition for them again. I had the best audition experience last year...and this year was just as fun/awesome!
Callback?: Yes. Made it through same-day-second-round-callbacks, the group-work and to a final interview at the end of the day.
What happens next?: I will receive an email tomorrow to tell me if I've been invited to the "final callback weekend" in March.

(Read a more detailed account of last year's audition experience at Juilliard here: 2012. And here is a link to my most popular post during the project, "The Juilliard Door Closes," about how it feels to NOT get accepted to your top-choice school.)

YALE MFA - ACTING

Audition Location: Yale University, New Haven, CT
Audition Date: Sunday, February 3, 2013
Application/Audition Fee: $110
How many times have I auditioned here?: Four times (2010, 2011, 2012, 2013)
How'd it go?: Awesome. They are always very nice.
Callback?: No.
What happens next?: No need to wait. Because I did not receive a callback, I know that I am not being considered for this year's class. (But thank you for sending me my rejection letter email today, Yale... on Valentine's day. Very sensitive. Very sensitive, indeed...Ha!)

(Read more detailed accounts of my previous audition experiences at Yale here: 2010/2011 and 2012.)

And now for FEEEEEELINGS...

My goal for this year's auditions was to challenge myself to throw a chair in EVERY audition. (Special thanks to Kevin Morales who suggested that I work in the chair throw to my Shakespeare monologue. Totally justified with the given circumstances of the play and the journey of the character in the monologue.) Still, this felt TERRIFYING to me. And that's EXACTLY why I had to do it.

It felt like a huge RISK for me every time. Which meant that something REAL was a stake in my performance!!!

Thoughts like this would run through my head...

-  What if the chair breaks? (One of them did break...first round at NYU. Yikes!)

-  What if they think I'm crazy? (So what if they do?! Would I want to attend a graduate acting program that didn't allow the students to make big/risky choices in class? NO! So if they think I'm crazy for throwing a chair, then that's probably NOT the program for me....And maybe I am a little bit crazy, anyway...just sayin'.)

-  What if they don't "like" me or think that it's not "nice" to throw a chair? (Ugh. I call this "nice girl syndrome." F@%K that! Get over yourself, Virginia! This isn't about them liking YOU in this monologue...This is about you communicating the journey of this Shakespearean character and if throwing a chair helps tell that story (which I think it did) then you'd better not be a cowardly chickens*^t and back down and be "polite" just because you're afraid of offending somebody. That said...when I did break one chair...I did apologize politely afterwards.)

Four years ago...I NEVER would have had the balls to throw a chair in an audition, MFA or otherwise. I would have talked myself out of it...and justified every possible reason why it was a terrible idea...every time.

But...now...I feel proud...because I not only threw a chair in every audition...I still got called back at NYU and Juilliard!!! AWESOME!

It just goes to show...Sometimes the "rules" we superimpose on ourselves are TOTAL bulls!@t and should be broken. There is no "right" way in this life. Take a RISK!!! It feels amazing to know that you can! Even if you break a chair...you will survive!!! F*~k Yeah!

(Geez, lots of expletives in this post. Perhaps I should have given a disclaimer at the beginning. This post is PG-13.... "Nice girl syndrome" strikes again. Ha!)

Anyways, that's how it went...and a little bit about how I felt about it.

So check back with me for Update #4 soon...very soon...since I'll be getting an email from Juilliard tomorrow.

Eeeeeeeee!

Thank you for reading....Thank you for all of your good energy and well-wishes during my auditions. It was all deeply felt and much appreciated.

Sending sooooo much love to all of you courageous people who are on this journey too!

Dream BIG...and do not give up!

Loves,
Virginia

"Look where you have ended up right now. This is exactly where you need to be, so don't resist. Pay attention to what is showing up for you and use that as the guidance for where your next step lies. If it does not feel good and expansive, you have work to do It's not about them and what they decide or do. It is about you and your process, so take responsibility for that. Be flexible and don't blame." - Lena Stevens, The Power Path

179. Monologues 2012 REVEALED

"Fullfillment doesn't come from clearing hurdles others set for you; it comes from clearing those you set for yourself." - Robert S. Kaplan, "Reaching Your Potential" Harvard Business Review

I cannot BELIEVE this is the second-to-last post of the Acceptance Project!!!Whoooooo hoooooo! Almost DONE!

Now, in the interest of full-disclosure and transparency and getting over my own fear...I am posting videos of my four audition monologues and my a capella song for you to see. I've embedded them below.

Why has this taken sooooo long for me to get to posting these monologues? (Grad school auditions took place back in January, after all.)

I have one word for you:

RESISTANCE

"Resistance cannot be seen, touched, heard or smelled. But it can be felt. It is experienced as a force field emanating from a work-in-potential. It's a repelling force. It's negative. Its intention is to shove the creator away, distract him, sap his energy, incapacitate him. 

If Resistance wins, the work doesn't get written... 

Resistance seems to come from outside ourselves. We locate it in spouses, jobs, bosses, kids, distractions. "Peripheral opponents," as Pat Riley used to say when he coached the Los Angeles Lakers.

Resistance is not a peripheral opponent. Resistance arises from within. It is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Resistance is the enemy within."  

- Stephen Pressfield, The War of Art

Even though I KNEW in my gut that I HAD to post my monologues for you all to see...EVENTUALLY. I procrastinated it to the 11th hour (a.k.a. NOW...the second-to-last post.) And I'm procrastinating another thing for tomorrow's blog post too...So I'll probably be publishing that one at like 11:55pm on April 1st. ;-P

Anyhoo...RESISTANCE. Let's talk about that for a sec...

The one and only one thing that is coming between YOU and you moving in the direction of your dreams is...(sing with me now)...Reeeeeeesiiiiiiiiissstaaaaaaance!!!

What is keeping you from doing what you KNOW in your heart-of-hearts you are capable of doing????

Let's use ME as an example here...

Me = Queen of Resistance & Duchess of Rationalization

Here are some of the fantastical thoughts that went through my head as I considered the undertaking of posting my monologues publicly on the blog:

1. I can't. I don't know how to upload video on to YouTube. I've never done it before.
2. It's going to look stupid because I don't have a real camera. I just have my iPhone.
3. I hate watching myself on camera. My acting is always waaaay too big. And I am going to look ridiculous.
4. If I post this online, anyone will be able to view it...even potentially ~gasp~ casting professionals. What if they don't like my work and I get a reputation for being a "bad" actor?
5. I don't have time. It's going to take FOREVER to figure out how to do this.
6. I hate asking for help, but I'll never be able to figure this out on my own. Who would possibly agree to help me with this project? I can't PAY anyone to help me. They'd have to do it out of the goodness of their heart. I don't want to IMPOSE on anyone. 
7. I'd have to shoot this after work one day and I'm going to be exhausted and the light might be all gone and shooting at night might be hard. I don't know what to expect since I've never done this before.

And here's what I told myself to be able to get all my resistant thoughts to SHUT UP...and let me do my WORK already:

1. Even though I have never uploaded any video to YouTube before, I know TONS of people who do that alllll the time, so it really can't be that hard. If I allow my self enough time, I'm sure I can figure it out. And if I need help I can think of at least 3 people off-the-top-of-my-head that I could call to assist me. No problem.
2. Even though I only have an iPhone to record with...that's FINE. It doesn't need to be super high quality. The purpose of me posting these videos is not to win cinematography awards, it is to RECORD a snapshot in time of where I am at with these monologues that I worked on this year. That's allllll. An iPhone is a perfectly adequate tool for this purpose.
3. So what if your acting is too big? So what if you look ridiculous? Who cares? YOU ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS and so are these monologues. There are going to be moments in the pieces that you LOVE and are proud of...and things that you see that you'd like to improve. (DON'T LET THE PERFECT BE THE ENEMY OF THE GOOD! That's what I've been telling myself from day one of this blog.) Don't judge yourself! Get SOMETHING up there! You've shared soooooo much about this entire experience through your writing. Don't chicken-out now! Be courageous! Show your acting work! That's what this is all about, right? Some people will love it and some people with think it's total crap...That's okay. Either way...you will have overcome your fear of showing your work...in all it's flawed glory...AND THAT'S SUCCESS.
4. As for casting folks...the ones that see it and don't like it...probably won't contact me. But there may be people that see it and think..."Hey, I've got a project that girl might be right for...Let me email her and give her a shot."  OR....If I get a lot of really negative feedback on it...I can always take it down...re-shoot...and try again. It's a learning process...And I can get better at it...but only if I start somewhere.
5. Time? Reaaaaally, Virginia? If you have time to watch Failure Club on Yahoo! Screen (my favorite show right now), then you have time to get on your computer and figure out how to make this YouTube uploading thing happen. Just start by logging-in to the website. Start there. The rest will happen naturally. Oh! And make an appointment on your calendar to shoot the video. If you don't schedule it into your life...it ain't gonna happen.
6. Get over your issue about ASKING FOR HELP!...You know you've got people in your life that would love to support you in this project and have the skills to easily make this happen. AND it'll be waaaaay more fun to collaborate with someone awesome on this project. Call MATT STEINER!  You just saw that he uploaded his CLOWN REEL onto his website. He could totally help you....AND HE DID!!!! (Thanks, Matt. You are the BEST. Thank you. These videos would NOT have happened without you. Had a BLAST working on this with you. So. Much. Fun.)
7. Go for it. Work with what you've got...So you've got some lighting issues? Whatever. It's fine...as long as you're not in the dark, you're okay...So the sound is not so great. We can bump up the volume as best we can when we're editing...and we'll do the best we can...Get going NOW, because this blog is ending on April 1st and it's gotta get done!!!....So you've only gotten 4 hours of sleep on top of a loooooong week of uber-stress at work? Yeah. Boo-hoo Wilcox. There's never going to be a perfect circumstance. So take it from where you are at and that's a PERFECT place to start these monologues. Go with it. Use it. Use whatever energy you have...and go from there. That's all you can do.

Sooooo that was how I overcame my resistance to posting these monologues.

True story.

Now...without further ado...My audition monologues for Juilliard, NYU and Yale 2012...

The Foreigner by Larry Shue (Catherine)
Lives of the Great Waitresses by Nina Shengold (Melissa)
The Convent of Pleasure by Margaret Cavendish (Lady Happy)
Two Gentlemen of Verona by William Shakespeare (Julia)

You can view these on my YouTube channel by CLICKING HERE.

I've also embedded them for you below...And my a capella song too.

Catherine from The Foreigner

Contemporary monologue that I did for NYU & Yale.

Melissa from Lives of the Great Waitresses

Contemporary monologue that I did for Juilliard.

Lady Happy from The Convent of Pleasure

Classical monologue that I did for NYU .

Julia from Two Gentlemen of Verona

Shakespeare monologue that I did for Yale and Juilliard.

"Make Someone Happy" by Comden/Green/Styne

A capella song that I sang for NYU and Juilliard.

Could I have done all this better? SURE. Yes. Definitely.

And I WILL DO BETTER...next time.

But what really matters is that I DID IT.

I'm sharing my process and getting my work out there...FINALLY.

Resistance be damned!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loves,
Virginia

“Keep working. Don’t turn anything down...Don’t get precious. You’re young, you’re learning. Keep working.” - Stephen Pressfield, Writing Wednesdays

146. Personal Statement 2012 REVEALED

Hey peeps!

Since all personal statements were completed and submitted for the Fall 2012 applications a while back...I figured it's probably about time that I post my personal statement...for the record.

I had almost totally forgotten about it, but I think I promised that I would post this year's statement...and I like to keep my promises. So HERE IT IS!

If you're interested in seeing the progression of my personal statements over the years, you can read my 2010 and 2011 personal statements for NYU by CLICKING HERE...but this time, just to switch it up...I'm posting my personal statement for Juilliard.

See below...

Virginia Wilcox - Personal Statement - Juilliard - 2012

Actors give a truly important service to society. As storytellers, they mold the collective mind and spark social change through the spread of ideas, backed by the passionate fervor of an audience’s shared emotional experience. Great acting requires bravery, discipline, and passion. These are the same qualities that make up a great human being. The more you are willing to be a fully present, loving, generous, courageous person…the better you will be at empathically embodying the experience of another. I look to the journeys of actors like Laura Linney and Daniel Talbott who have blossomed from their training at Juilliard, followed their own unique passions, and boldly serve with their work, and I think, “That’s the kind of artist I want to BE!”

Right now, at 30, I feel I have no more time to waste in becoming my dream. I must remove the barriers that are holding me back from becoming the gutsy human being and actor I’ve always known I can be. I am taking action to face my fears, changing unhealthy behaviors that undermine my strength, and transforming my life in preparation for the transformational work ahead in grad school. This year I changed my eating habits and am back in my ideal body, deepened my yoga practice, left a two-year relationship that was no longer healthy for me, adopted the Tao te Ching as my spiritual manual (my favorite audiobook for subway rides), obtained a fantastic day-job in the middle of the recession (and though the job has protected me from financial ruin, it has also given me clarity that acting is my true profession), and last, but not least, I have taken two personal finance classes at The Actor’s Fund and am on track to eliminate my debt by 2012. (Cannot wait!) Overcoming my fears and taking action, I feel a great sense of accomplishment with both. With courage and persistence I have proven to myself that I do have the power to change my life and become a stronger human being and a stronger artist. Barriers be gone!

After suffering last year’s disappointment of not getting into NYU or Yale (for the second time), I knew that for 2011 I could not depend on acceptance to grad school to kick-start my artistic growth. I was going to have to do something on my own. So I decided to address what I think is my greatest obstacle as an actor: my fear of being open and vulnerable in front of others. I came up with the idea to write a blog as a forum to test my fears, publicly documenting my process of preparation for applying to MFA acting programs. The blog has a two-fold benefit: I get to practice being publicly open and vulnerable through my daily writing, while motivating others to bravely pursue their dreams as I boldly pursue mine. To me, the idea of blogging was absolutely terrifying…and that’s exactly why I did it.  On my Facebook page I publicly committed to write 180 blog posts from September 5 to April 1, and invited everyone I know to follow. The blog has been the greatest confidence builder of all. An online community of like-minded folks have rallied around me in support. Each morning I send out an honest snapshot of my life, with all of its ups and downs. I am discovering that those flaws and idiosyncrasies that we fear others will condemn us for are often the very things that draw us to connect with one another and remind us that we are all innately human. www.AcceptanceProjectNYC.blogspot.com  has already made me feel like this year’s application process has been one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.

I have a deep desire to create art that inspires others and that is why I am driven to do this work; because of the “Artist as Citizen” ethos, Juilliard is my first choice for my MFA. None of the other schools “walk the walk” like Juilliard does, not only in addressing the question of how we can make work that will be significant to our communities, to our society and to the world at large, but also in taking action. We are all the creators of our own experience. I want to collaborate with other artists that share the same values and commitment that I have in doing this great work. And these artists are at Juilliard. What might I be capable of contributing to the world if I was given the opportunity to be mentored by the best teachers, inspired by the most committed fellow students, and surrounded by the most passionate arts community in the country? That is the question I cannot stop asking myself and the question that has kept me coming back to audition for graduate school, and finally, Juilliard. At last, I have found my community! Juilliard feels like home to me, where I know I’ll be safe to take risks and realize my life purpose. I hope that you will support me by welcoming me in as a valued member of the artistic community at Juilliard. I cannot do this alone! Help to guide my path, challenge me to continue to remove all barriers, give me the time and tools to build my strength as an actor. My heart beats to be of service to others and to passionately practice my greatest love: acting. I have so much more to give. 

Whah-whah...Didn't get in this year.

:-(

But that's okay...I'll just keep on giving it anyway! Can't think of anything better that I'd like to do.

:-)

For other posts relating to the Personal Statement writing process this year...check these out...
#59 Juilliard Personal Statement Draft
#65 Powerful Questions
#66 My Bucket List: Personal Artistic Goals 2011
#71 Inspiration Is IN
#74 Speak Your Truth


Please Note ***Applying to MFA acting programs really ISN'T about the Personal Statement...It's ALLLL about performing kick-ass monologues on the audition day. (For more about my philosophy of choosing monologues click HERE and/or HERE.) Acting happens LIVE...monologues are what will get you IN (or so I hear) ...not your literary skills. So don't stress if you're not particularly comfortable with writing. Just be true to your heart...and write about what you are really passionate about...because that will be unique. Do not write what you think they want to read...because it will come off completely generic and end up sounding exactly like huuuuuuundreds of other essays that they've been snoozing through for years.***

Best of luck to allllll you allllll writing personal statements out there...now and in the future.

Be courageous. Be you. Write your truth.

Loves,
V

145. Still In Love

"Isabel: It's no good, Mr. M, I've got to face it: I'm a bad loser. Got any advice for me? 

Mr. M: On how to be a good one? 

Isabel: Ja. How to lose graciously. With dignity. I mean it. I really wish I could."

-- My Children! My Africa! by Athol Fugard, Act 1, Scene 5

As many of you know. I did not get accepted to Juilliard this year. However, before I knew that...I had already made reservations to see the 4th year's (Group 41) repertory performances.

Sooooo last night at 8pm, in spite of my recent "rejection" from Juilliard...I was back at the school, climbing the stairs and taking the elevator to the 4th Floor to see one of my favorite plays of allllll time My Children! My Africa! by Athol Fugard.

I have a very personal connection to this play because I had the privilege of playing Isabel Dyson at Solano College in CA when I was 18 years old...and it was one of the greatest theatrical experiences I have had to date. I even won a local award for it...a North Bay Arty Award...which, to youthful me, at the time, felt like winning an Oscar.

And considering my whirlwind journey through the audition/callback day, it is especially meaningful for me to be seeing this play at Juilliard.

The lovely, smart and incredibly talented Virginia Veale played the role of Isabel Dyson absolutely beautifully in this production. (Yes, her name is Virginia also.) She is incredible to watch. Amazing presence. I cannot wait to see what her future career has in store!

And her performance was well-matched with the buoyant intensity of Sekou Laidlow as Mr. M and the grounded focus of Jeremie Harris as Thami. The play could not possibly have had a stronger cast.

I love, love, loved the show. And being there at Juilliard to see it...felt triumphant to me in a strange way.

As I was sitting in my seat at intermission, staring up into the rafters and letting myself breathe in the moment and enjoy being in this theatre space that once held such HOPE for me...I felt a twinge of sadness knowing that though they have not selected me for their Final Callback Weekend...that my feelings about the school have not changed as a result...I'm still just as in love with this place as I was last week and the week before that and the week before that.

Sigh.

It was sort-of like meeting-up with an ex-boyfriend and after spending a few moments in their presence...you realize that even though it's over and you know you can no longer be together...that you are still in love with them and cannot help but appreciate all the many details of their wonderfulness...all those little things that made you fall in love with them in the first place.

That was the experience of seeing this show at Juilliard for me.

I cannot deny it. I am still in love. And though I know that I will not be attending the school in Fall of 2012...it doesn't stop me from appreciating the valuable gift they're giving me tonight...The opportunity to experience this great story...being presented on stage with great actors...in this great city of New York...free of charge.

(Tickets to the drama school's student productions are free, BTW,...free!)

I love what they do here and I love the WAY they do it. It's just an awesome place to be.

So...even though I must admit...I was scared to come and see this show...(I thought it might be toooo crushing for me to sit in the audience and watch a show at a school that has just rejected me for admission)...I had to prove to myself that I'm not a "bad loser" and just come support the show anyway.

And I am reeeeeallly glad I did. Because, it made me realize that I can still be a part of this community at Juilliard, in my own small way, even as an audience member. I don't have to be "accepted" to do that. And, if their shows continue to inspire me and make me feel like I want to try again and audition there next year...I CAN! (Juilliard currently allows MFA applicants to audition for the program twice only.)

Or...if Juilliard is really not meant to be part of my life's path after all...I can still love the program.

Once in love, always in love...That's just the way I roll, I guess...with ex-boyfriends and graduate schools alike.

:-)

Still, there could be another lover, just around the corner...ready to sweep me off my feet!

We shall see how things end up with NYU this year. Still waiting to hear back from them.

But the most important thing that I keep reminding myself to do...is to stay open to what feels like the best future path for me. If that's grad school...as I have hoped and have been dedicated to preparing for...for soooooo long....then FANTASTIC. But...if all this preparation and blogging and learning and growing and maturing leads me to some other acting-related pathway...then, I suppose that all of this will have been a valuable and non-linear pathway to my future.

Ain't that always the way life goes anyway?

The process of preparation for these grad school auditions...has given me a great sense of purpose in my life...a concrete goal to work towards. So, even though the outcome at Juilliard this year hasn't turned out the way I had hoped, I am still glad that I auditioned...because the value that I've received from the journey is a gift that I will always have...and this blog, chronicling the whole journey...has been an education unto itself...like no other.

You see...I'm just tryin' to figure out what to do with my life...and these creative impulses I've been given...Don't want to waste my life doing something I don't LOVE. And I KNOW I love acting. So I'll keep moving in the direction of my dreams...of becoming the best professional actor that Virginia Wilcox can possibly be.

Gotta have faith that the BEST possible future outcomes will naturally occur as a result of my continued heartfelt efforts.

Soooo I'm staying open to the possibilities,...loving the things I love,...and trusting that following my true heart is always the best way...even if it doesn't make logical sense.

Thank you, Juilliard.

Warmly,
Virginia

"Isabel:  ...You gave me a little lecture once about wasted lives...how much of it you'd seen, how much you hated it, how much you didn't want that to happen to Thami and me. I sort of understood what you meant at the time. Now, I most certainly do. Your death has seen to that.  

My promise to you is that I am going to try as hard as I can, in every way that I can, to see that it doesn't happen to me. I am going to try my best to make my life useful in the way yours was. I want you to be proud of me. After all, I am one of your children you know. You did welcome me to your family. The future is still ours, Mr. M."

-- My Children! My Africa! by Athol Fugard, Act 2, Scene 5

143. The Juilliard Door Closes

I did not get invited to the Final Callbacks at Juilliard.

:-(

Kathy Hood sent out an email that said that out of the 1387 people that auditioned for Juilliard this year... they asked a record number of people to stay for the End-Of-Day Callbacks during each audition day, over all of the days, this added up to 157 people in total. I was one of them.

From that group, they selected 40 people to invite to the Final Callback Weekend. (Congratulations to anyone who made it this year!) However, I was NOT one of them.

I am sad. Very sad.

I LOVED my Juilliard audition experience. It was seriously one of the best days I've had...ever.

The tough thing about these MFA auditions...at Yale, Juilliard and NYU...is that they never give you feedback on your audition. It just doesn't work that way. They never tell you why you weren't chosen...or what you could do to improve your audition for next year. 

I completely understand why they do not offer this information. It would be overwhelming to deal with those kinds of correspondences for hundreds of applicants. It's just not realistic or advantageous for the school to do that. I get it.

But the nature of this "lack-of-feedback," as to why you didn't get chosen and someone else did, can be very confusing. 

My brain naturally goes to the thought, "Is there anything that I did to sabotage myself? Is there anything I could have done to improve my chances?"

However, the conclusions that I come up with, as answers to these questions may have NOTHING to do with why I ACTUALLY wasn't chosen. So really...I just end up making myself crazy. 

This year...I am very confident that I did EVERYTHING within my power to give my best possible audition...maybe I went a little overboard, actually. 

All well. 

Ultimately, I will never know the real reason I wasn't chosen. And that's okay. I guess I don't really need to know...Because I am who I am...and I don't want to be accepted to a school where I'm not wanted. That would suck! So if I'm not wanted there for ANY reason, then it's a good thing that they've let me go on my way this year.

Is there anything I can do now to change the outcome?... Nope. What's done is done. So the only really healthy option for me is to be grateful for the opportunity that I had...and move forward with the new learning that it's given me.

What have I learned?...I am still processing that. And I am sure I will be discussing those ideas in future blog posts.

But before I wrap up this post...just wanted to share with you a few details about yesterday...

1. I think I may have checked my email every 3 minutes yesterday...Allllll day long...It was hilarious! I was totally obsessive compulsive about it...Until I finally received the email from Juilliard around 4:30pm...Then...whah-whah...sadness.

2. Also received my "official" rejection email from Yale yesterday. "Way to coordinate with Juilliard, guys! Nice timing! Double-whammy of rejection!" I mean, I knew about the Yale outcome already, but still...that was icky to have to receive both of those emails within hours of each other. It was as if the Universe was teasing me..."No, MFA for you, Wilcox...It doesn't matter how much you care about this...or how close you come...You ain't never gonna get it...So let me just confirm your inadequacy by these "official" rejection letters in your inbox." Thanks, Universe...I know you know what's best for me and I don't, but...the mocking? Is that really necessary? Ugh. Bleh!

3. I got "the email" while I was at work. I was proud of myself...because I didn't cry. In fact, I'll bet my bosses had nooooo idea that anything out of the ordinary was happening for me. I am a professional. I do not share my personal drama at work.

4. After work, however, I made a phone call to my teacher and friend (also the person that wrote my recommendation letter for Juilliard) Mr. Robert Parsons. I left him a voice mail telling him about my disappointment at not making it to Final Callbacks at Juilliard this year. He called me back later, but I couldn't answer at that time, so he left me a voice mail in response...I have included it below...If I could figure out how to export the voice mail from my phone, I'd put it on the blog for you guys to listen to, but since I am not that technically saavy I've just typed it. (I hope you don't mind my sharing this with everybody, Bob!) His words meant a lot to me and are a great comfort.

Feb. 17, 2012, voice mail from my teacher, Robert Parsons:

"Hey, Virginia...It's Bob calling...Oooooh, boy...Got your message...and ahh,...I'm really, really sorry. I'm so, so sorry...that you didn't get called back...and I am also really, really surprised. I thought you definitely were...were IN this time. But, uh, regardless, it certainly does not diminish your brilliance, because you are... you're just, you're f*#king brilliant. I mean, reading your blog and just the way you think through these things and I know it leaks into your work as well,...so nobody can take that away from you no matter what obstacles appear. And though it's not Juilliard this year and it's not Yale this year...but, I guess NYU is still a possibility, so hold on to that one...But I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and I feel like, you know, whatever this means...it's just gonna make you stronger, ultimately, and...yeah, something good is gonna come for you, at some point, whether it's this year or whenever...It's gonna happen, so just hang in there. And I think a lot of people are behind you and rooting for you, so keep it rollin' girl!...Um, I'll try and get back to you or you call me. I've got a show tonight...But if you feel like calling, I should be around. Alright, you take care. Bye."

THAT's when I finally cried...Listening to Bob's voice mail...Standing on the corner of 37th Street and Broadway in Astoria. (Why wait until you get to the privacy of your own apartment to lose your s#*t, when you can do it standing on a street corner in full view of the passing public? LOL! Ridiculous me.) Thank you, Bob, for your compassionate words! It feels good to know that you believe in me...even though...even though...I didn't get in to Juilliard.

Anyway, yesterday wasn't allll tears and disappointment...I joyfully reconnected with my friend Jordan last night. He just moved to NY recently. We had a nice sushi dinner and had a blast at the Astoria Art House Salon...where I got to sing a couple of songs and Jordan played the piano. It was lovely. So the day certainly ended on a positive note.

And, yes...I am still in-the-running at NYU...but I am feeling like...I don't know...like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? At this point, I'm kind-of anticipating the rejection letter from them too...'cause...I can't even make it to NYU's Callback Weekend even if they do invite me.

Sooo maybe this really isn't going to be "my year" for grad school acceptance after all.

Still...I'm going to complete this Acceptance Project...in the best way I know how. So gonna keep on blogging until April 1st, as promised, and I am excited about it too, because I've still got some cool posts hiding up my sleeve for you all to look forward to...a couple of interviews waiting in the cue...and some other fun surprises in store...So it ain't over yet!

Don't worry about me. I haven't lost hope entirely.

Maybe I'll try for Juilliard again next year...Got really close!...I don't know yet. We'll see.

The door at Juilliard has closed for 2012...but there's gotta be a window in here somewhere...

:-)

Loves,

Virginia

P.S. If anyone who has been invited to the Juilliard Callback Weekend would like to write a guest post for the blog, even if it's anonymous, I'd love for you to contact me and we can discuss! Email me at via virginia wilcox at gmail dot com. Best wishes and break legs!

142. The Impact Scenarios

Tomorrow is the day that Juilliard will be sending me an email to either...

A. Invite me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I'll be a contender for the first ever MFA class at Juilliard

OR

B. Tell me that they will NOT be inviting me to the Final Callback weekend in March and I will know that I am no longer under consideration for acceptance to the program for Fall 2012

Now...one might think that considering my feelings about my wonderful audition experience at Juilliard, that (in my mind) the below equation might apply...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOOD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BAD

However, it's really not that "black and white," now is it? Most situations are "shades of gray," and this one is no exception. We've all been in situations where a certain outcome could have a MAJOR IMPACT on your life and the lives of your loved ones.

And to an outside eye it may seem like a no-brainer, simplistic Good vs. Bad scenario, but to you...you know allllll the ramifications that an outcome will have on your life. Other people can't know all those things, only you know them about your own life and your own mind.

Success is sometimes just as terrifying as failure...and often times MORE so.

So to really understand the complexity of any situation, you've gotta analyze the IMPACT of that outcome on your life...on every area of your life that matters to you. There will be both a positive and negative impact...no matter which outcome happens. It's just a matter of which one is worse or better...according to your own values, life situation and personal preferences.

Do I want to get called back at Juilliard?

Yes.

Will it mean that my life will be perfect and happy and simple and easy if I get called back at Juilliard?

No.

So in anticipation of being overwhelmed by the actual outcome tomorrow...which I will have to be dealing with very soon...I'd love to take this opportunity tonight...To rationally think this through...as objectively as a can...before things get C-Ra-zY.

"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst." - Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900)

So..... here are my impact scenarios for both outcomes (as best I can imagine them right now... hypothetically.)

PRETEND LIKE I GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: Joy!!! I love this school.
• Spiritually: I feel like I am on my "right path."
• Sense of Purpose: I am dedicated to becoming the BEST possible actor that I can be in this lifetime and using my gifts to have a positive impact on the world. This is the next step on that journey.
• Way I See Myself: I feel like I am the luckiest person on this planet.
• Way Others See Me: They might feel excited for me and get excited about keeping on working toward their dreams too!
• Friendships: I will get to make new friends at the Callback Weekend.
• Personal Life: I feel great about where I'm at right now. Glad that I'm single...whilst I embark on this very personal journey.
• Job: I could possibly have a new job soon: "Full-time Acting Student."
• Career: This could lead to a great big huge growth spurt for me that could lead to some incredible creative collaborations with awesome artists that I am yet to meet in the future.
• Financially: Will inevitably have a positive impact on my future prospects for being able to make a living as an actor.
• Physically (my body): I could have the opportunity to get up and MOVE everyday at school...vs. the sedentary sit-at-a-desk-all-day-and-stare-at-a-computer-screen job that I currently have.
• Physically (my home): Juilliard is in New York. So if I were to be accepted there...I could stay in my apartment in Astoria probably.
• The Blog: I'd get to write about the Callback Weekend experience and share it will all of you!!!

...and the NEGATIVE impact of being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally: Fear. I am terrified that after getting this close...that I will still not be accepted into this year's class and I will be crushed.
• Spiritually: I lose all sense of gratefulness and become a totally egotistical a-hole.
• Sense of Purpose: I lose my sense of acting as a "service job" and become completely self-serving in my pursuit of "winning."
• Way I See Myself: I start to see myself as a person who must be accepted by others in order to be able to accept myself.
• Way Others See Me: They may choose to see my success as "uppity" and "snooty" for me to want to be accepted to a school as prestigious as Juilliard.
• Friendships: I might lose some of them because people may react differently to me now.
• Personal Life: I could possibly be kissing my chance for a personal life good-bye. Who has time for a boyfriend in grad school?
• Job: I have to say goodbye to the comfy, familiarity of my day-job. (And I will miss hanging out with my bosses 5 days a week.)
• Career: N/A. (I cannot even pretend that this would ever have a negative impact on my career.)
• Financially: I could be looking at taking out some MAJOR student loans to attend this school. That's veeeery stressful.
• Physically (my body): It's going to be extremely physically demanding potentially.
• Physically (my home): School might be too much of a commute from Queens. If I got accepted I might be looking to move. Ugh!
• The Blog: N/A. (Can't imagine a negative impact on the blog. This is allllll part of the process. And the blog is about examining this process. So it couldn't be negative for the blog.)

Anyhoo, the over-all outcome of getting invited to the Final Callback Weekend at Juilliard (weighing both the positive and negative impact) would be exciting, scary, disorienting and destabilizing...but, over-all...GOOD.

PRETEND LIKE I DO NOT GET INVITED TO FINAL CALLBACKS AT JUILLIARD...

... the POSITIVE impact could be...

• Emotionally: I won't have to open my heart up to the emotional investment that one has to give as an actor. I can stay in my comfy-safe-normalness as long as I feel like it.
• Spiritually: I will keep hope alllll this has been worth it in terms of my spiritual growth and that I've had a positive impact with the blog, at least,...and that even though I may have failed to get in to Juilliard...that my sharing of the whole process has been good for others to read about.
• Sense of Purpose: Is tested...and re-assessed...and will become stronger as a new direction appears.
• Way I See Myself: As someone that tried...even when there was no guarantee of success...and may try again next year as well!
• Way Others See Me: As someone that keeps going in spite of failure.
• Friendships: My friendships are deepened, because those who care will communicate their support.
• Personal Life: I might actually have time to have a personal life now.
• Job: I will get to continue to build a stronger foundation of security, build confidence in my skills as an assistant and continue to get training to learn more about building databases. Sounds like fun, right?
• Career: I will continue to be a self-starter in my oddly-laid path to finding a way to be a professional actor full-time.
• Financially: I will definitely make more money at my job than I would in school.
• Physically (my body): I can still have time and flexibility to take dance class or continue yoga outside of my 9-5 hours at work.
• Physically (my home): I get to stay right where I am.
• The Blog: I get to write about how it feels to get so close...and then...not get it...and how the hell does one deal with that psychologically? 

...and the NEGATIVE impact of not being invited to the Final Callback Weekend could be...

• Emotionally:  Whew...REALLY painful. Will be suuuuuuper dissapointed.
• Spiritually:  I feel like the Universe has forsaken me. How can this be true?
• Sense of Purpose:  I lose my sense of momentum and give up hope at this loss.
• Way I See Myself:  I see myself as someone who ALWAYS gets close...and then loses in the end.
• Way Others See Me: They may see me as a person who may be able to do other things well, but that I will never be successful at the thing I really care about...acting. 
• Friendships:  They pity me...or worse...keep telling me to believe in myself when I've lost the desire to have that belief.
• Personal Life:  I don't have a personal life. Prospects are not good.
• Job: I will stick with the one I've got foooooorever...even though it's not exactly creative.
• Career: Juilliard will not be the next step of my career path. Back to the drawing board
• Financially: I will continue to make a living from something other than acting (and way less awesome) for the foreseeable future.
• Physically (my body): I still get to look forward to sitting in a chair all day.
• Physically (my home): N/A
• The Blog: Do not get to write about the Juilliard Callback Weekend experience. Will have to try my best to find someone willing to guest-post...but no guarantees on finding someone willing to be publicly transparent...like I am crazy enough to be.

(Okay...so some of these negative responses are a LEEEEETLE extreme. But I think it helps to write it out... and disempower even the shadow of those ideas in my mind. Makes it less scary. 'Cause when I read them on the page, they just seem silly sometimes.)

So here's the REAL equation...

Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = GOODBAD

Not Getting Invited to Final Callbacks = BADGOOD

Yay! That's a WIN/WIN!...Sort of.

Now...if only my my logical mind will be able to help my heart deal with the emotional aftermath of the outcome when I open that email tomorrow! We'll see how that goes.

(Whew! Writing this post was exhausting! Sorry it was suuuuper long, but it's been a complicated journey in my mind....How am I feeling about all this? Honestly? I think I'm totally overwhelmed...but rather than going out and drinking and numbing-out...I write lists...still it leads to a similar numbing-out sensation. Weird, right? LOL! That's just me, I guess.)

;-p

Wishing you love in analyzing your own impact scenarios this year.

It's alllll goodbadgoodbad, isn't it?

Loves,

V

P.S. Super grateful to even be HAVING these kinds of dilemmas. Truly, I feel extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to audition for Juilliard this year.

P.P.S. No blogging on Fridays. See you Saturday, guys! I promise to let you know what happens then, okay?

P.P.P.S. I can't believe that I just posted all this online. I mean...who does that? All well. It's definitely been part of my process. Yikes! ... If you've gotten this far...thanks for reading. :-P

134. Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part Five (The Interview)

(This is the fifth (and final) post relating my experience at Juilliard Drama Auditions 2012. Click here for Part One. Click here for Part Two. Click here for Part Three. Click here for Part Four.)

Part Five: The Interview

I’m standing with Kathy, away from all of the others. She looks down at her clipboard for a second and then back at me...

“We’d really like for you to stay for an interview, if that’s alright. I know you must be exhausted. It’s been a long day.” 

"Yes! YES, I’d be happy to stay," I chirp. Are you kidding me!? I will SLEEP here all night long if necessary. There's nowhere on God's green earth than I'd rather be than HERE.

OMFG!!! I can hardly contain my elation! This is the BEST! This is my first time auditioning at Juilliard, because of their newly christened MFA program and I actually made it all the way to my FAVORITE part…The Interview.

I LOVE interviews. I mean, clearly I'm passionate about talking about the process and creativity and my journey and the art form and stuff...so much so that I started a blog about it all. HA!

Hallelujah!!

I turn away from Kathy and make my way back to my seat. The room has started to clear as folks have been gathering up their stuff to go...I say goodbye to several people that had been released for the day, including Toby. (Hope we'll see each other at the callback weekend in March! Fingers crossed!)

It was such a gift to have spent the day with soooo many wonderful actors. They really do have a knack for attracting some good human beings to the program at Juilliard. Everyone I came into contact with was exceptionally kind, compassionate and encouraging. Juilliard seems to value those qualities in their actors.

I lay down on one of the couches to rest my eyes, as the other 8 folks asked to stay were called into their interviews one by one.

Again, I’d be laaaaast.

For once, I was not at alllllll concerned, nervous or apprehensive in any way. I have never felt more prepared for an interview in my entire life. Or maybe I was just too exhausted to be nervous. Either way...I was oddly calm.

There’s a calmness that comes with clarity, I suppose. And I am very clear on why I’m here. I may not be the most talented, but with the passion and dedication I have to contribute, I just might be the most unabashedly committed. And that may not be "cool," but at least it's real. I am super excited to have a chance to be part of this community of artists...Even if it's just for today! I can't deny it! And I cannot think of anything better that I could possibly be doing than graduating from Juilliard in 4 years. No joke. That's pretty much the greatest thing I could imagine.

I’ve spent a lot of time this year getting to know Juilliard by watching everything I could find online, touring the school, attending the information sessions, and seeing all the 4th year shows. But, not only that, I've also been getting to know MYSELF waaaaay better than ever before by blogging about this whole process of preparation for grad school auditions. This blog has been the greatest catalyst for change in my life that I've ever experienced.

So, in other words, I know me and I know the school well enough to feel with deep conviction that I'd totally LoVE studying here for four years...with NO reservations what-so-ever.

"Thank you, Universe! I get to share my story! Fun!!!"

Around 10pm or so, I am escorted into James Houghton’s office and Rebecca Guy is seated by his side. His office is decorated in a modern style with clean lines and cool muted greys, with a simple desk, low circular glass table and two small couches. In stark contrast to the coolness of the furniture and the walls were a couple of HUGE, beautiful, warmly hued and many-colored pieces of art hanging on the walls. It is a beautifully balanced space, showing an affinity for both…stark simplicity contrasted with deep, rich, complexity. Love it. I feel at home.

Jim welcomes me in and I am directed to sit on the couch. Jim and Becky sit in two rolling chairs, opposite me.

As we begin, they make me feel as if I were a colleague or a friend rather than an applicant. Their kindness and curiosity and respect for my efforts in auditioning for Juilliard are deeply felt by me. I am happy to open-up and share... I discuss the blog! It is sooo fun to get the opportunity to talk about it and how incredible that whole experience has been with all of you guys this year.

(The preparation process has been so fulfilling (in and of itself) that I've actually found that I'm LESS attached to the weightiness of the outcome. I mean, I still want to be accepted to grad school. But if I don’t…I will it won’t be because I didn’t try my hardest and give it my ALL. And that by sharing my journey, there’s been value in it to other people too!!! We all (secretly) want to pursue a crazy dream…even if it doesn’t turn out the way you’d hoped or expected, you still grow from it.)

The interview is coming to an end and Jim asks me where else I am applying. I tell him NYU and Yale. Then he wishes me the best of luck on my journey and I really feel like he means it deeply. So no matter what, I feel a great sense of joy in the notion that someone that I respect and admire so much respects me back! To me, THAT’s better than any acceptance letter could ever be. That is success.

I am hopeful that I will get an email on February 17, asking me to come back to the school for the callback weekend in March! That would be WAAAAAY awesome, but if not…at least I know that even in this crazy-long audition day, I represented myself accurately, unapologetically, unreservedly, and passionately, with all my fears and flaws.

Juilliard really got an opportunity to see who I am…now only they can know if I am the right fit for their program, the kind of artist they’re interested in spending the next four years getting to know and helping to stretch and strengthen as an actor.

This day has been a dream come true...But it is a day that would NEVER HAVE HAPPENED if I had listened to allllll my doubts and fears. So I'm going to pull out my soap box and remind you all of a few things that I need to remind myself of...

Don’t underestimate yourself. Don’t let others underestimate you. Dream big. Put yourself out there. There will be people who will reach out and support you in your goals. Don’t forget…You’re not alone.

Thank you to you all for reading and giving me the opportunity to share my story with you. 

Loves,
Virginia

132. Overwhelmed

Whew!!!!

I had such grandiose plans for the evening, guys...

I was going to post the 5th installment of the Juilliard Drama Audition series...and start writing my Yale Drama Audition post...and clean my room... and do laundry for the coming week... and get to bed before 11pm.

Oh! And did I mention that I auditioned for Yale at 10am this morning?

I know!!!! Am expecting myself to be able to accomplish waaaaaay too many things, or what?

So rather than half-assing everything...I'm just going to admit to you all...

I am overwhelmed.

I will be posting the 5th installment of the Juillard Auditions...but it won't be tonight...and I will be posting about my experience about the Yale Auditions...but it probably won't be 'til later this week. Gotta get all my thoughts together on that one.

I'm keepin' it real with ya'll.  I am POOPED!

I have got to detach myself from this computer and go to sleep, like, pronto!

Sending you all sooooo much Super Bowl love...Gooooooo team!...(Whichever one you happen to be cheering for. I will cheer for them too...while I fall asleep on my pillow.)

Loves,
V

"In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: they must be fit for it; they must not do too much of it; and they must have a sense of success in it." - John Ruskin, author, art critic & social reformer (1819-1900)

 

131. Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part Four (Pantomime With Words)

(This is the fourth post relating my experience at Juilliard Drama Auditions 2012. Click here for Part One. Click here for Part Two. Click here for Part Three.)

Part Four: Pantomime With Words

I stared at the door, waiting for it to open. It's was finally my turn! I’m the last person selected to audition for the entire faculty of Juilliard Drama today. YIKES!!!

Breathe.

Excitement. Fear. Joy.

Mind racing with a million thoughts and  a million outcomes.

Breathe.

"All you‘ve got to do is go in there and close-up the (imaginary) restaurant, Virginia." I thought to myself.

"You’ve worked in this place for years and scrubbed these tables a million times, right? You are completely comfortable here. This is YOUR space. You know what you’ve got to do. It’s been a looooong day and you can go home and relax as soon as the restaurant is clean.

That’s all. Just clean the restaurant.

Clear the tables. Wipe them down. Clean the menus. Sweep. Grab your stuff. Lock the door. Done.

Simple. Easy.

No need to control anything. No need to be a fancy actor. No need to impress anybody.

The words of the monologue will be there for you. You know them. Trust yourself.

And if you get distracted and forget… Just make it up. Who cares!? You know where you are and who you are and the story you’re telling. That’s all you need.

So go clean the f*%ing restaurant and get it done!"

As I was ushered into the room I was greeted by the gentle hum of laughter and conversation. The room was a-buzz with energy and the faculty clearly seemed to be having a good time together. James Houghton took the lead (naturally) and asked me what play my piece was from. I told him and he asked me to give him a second to write it down.

As he wrote, I scanned around the room, turning on my heels...taking in the acting space…figuring out mentally where the door was…and the kitchen…the counter…the stools…the 6 tables and 12 chairs (all imaginary…but very clearly defined in my head). It was as if I was creating a movie in my head...with chairs and tables coalescing from the ether and into my reality. God…Acting is such a weird job.

Anyway, I woke from my conjuring trance and looked back at Jim Houghton, who was staring back at me intently.

“Oh! You ready?” I said.

“Yes.” He said.

That was my cue. GO!

I began to move with purpose walking stage right toward the “door” while removing my glasses, my zip-up jacket and putting my hair up with a hair-tie. I had work to do…Don’t want to deal with hair in my eyes.

Then I walked across the room to the “kitchen” to grab my tray. I imagined that the person I was speaking to was sitting on a stool at the counter,...my friend Josh to be exact, who had stopped by the restaurant to hang-out and watch me close. He's telling me to quit this crappy job...and I'm explaining to him why I can't and why I won't and how I see a greater purpose in my work...even in the very un-glamorous job of waitressing. That I want to be good at everything I do...And that my job here touches people's lives...and that has value.

So as I began to clear the tables, I was speaking to him…But I wasn’t thinking about speaking to him…I was thinking about clearing the table without breaking things. And then I grabbed an imaginary rag and spray bottle filled with cleaning fluid and sprayed down the first table and wiped it off. Then I continued with this process for the rest of the six tables…still talking…managing to remember my lines…turning away from the audience sometimes…oblivious to their presence (as much as possible). Then I threw the spray bottle in a cabinet and pulled up a real chair to imaginary table #1. I grabbed a stack of my imaginary menus and sat down to wipe them clean. Some of them I’d clean vigorously and some slowly or sometimes I’d stop and check in with my imaginary Josh…to make sure he was still listening to me… which he was. It all depended on what I was saying in the moment and how that made me feel.

Then I realized I was about to run out of words. So I thought, f*%k the sweeping. There's no time for it now. I gotta get outta this place. I’ll do it before I open tomorrow. Then I put away my imaginary menus and walked back across the room toward the door to grab my jacket and my glasses. I scanned the room to make sure that everything was done and I hadn’t forgotten anything. I zipped up my jacket, said the last line and turned away as if to leave.

Of course, in reality I was just standing in a huge studio staring at a wall. LOL! Again…Acting is such a weird job.

I took a moment to breathe and let the imaginary world I had created fade away gently behind me…for both myself and my audience.

That was my pantomime with words.

How did I feel about it? I really don’t know!!! I was just doing it…So I don’t know if it was any “good” or not…But one thing I DO know for sure…that imaginary restaurant is CLEAN. ;-p

Then I turned back around, smiled gently and slowly walked back to the center of the room.

Then Jim asked me what I would like to sing. I said, “Make Someone Happy…Oh, Richard…Would you like me to do the regular version or the version with the adjustment?”

Richard smiled at me and said, “Oh, just sing the song.”

"Oh, right...sorry. Sure. Okay."

So I did.

Then the room got quiet after I had finished and Jim leaned forward and asked me THE QUESTION…

“So, why grad school, Virginia?”

Oh, my God in heaven. How to even BEGIN?

My heart began to pound all the way in my toes...

Singing ain't scary...Confessing to an entire panel of people that have the ability to make this girl's grad-school acceptance DREAMS come true...NOW THAT'S SCARY.

The passion of all these years of trying and dreaming and hoping and trying again and hoping and failing and trying AGAIN…all welled up in my eyes.

“I want to be a part of this community,” I said, as I fought to keep my composure. I was NOT going to lose my s#%t now. OH, HELL NO. I have worked tooooo hard at this to come off like a blubbering fool!

I continued to speak...Gathering momentum...Trying to breathe and stay focused... “I felt such a connection to this place from the first time I took a tour and met Kathy and then every time I’ve visited here since…or seen a show...I feel it more and more.” And then I went on and on about the camaraderie amongst the faculty and the respect and care they have for the students and my desire to invest in myself with this training and building a foundation for a life-long career and I how much I love this…"

And so on and so on. Ya-da, Ya-da.

Confession: I have no idea WHAT I said, actually. It was really a blur. But I meant it all with every piece of my heart...And the above is my best estimation of what I think I probably said (for posterity’s sake.)

Jim thanked me for my audition. I thanked him and the rest of the faculty and walked out the door and back into the quiet of the hallway. 

It was done. I had survived my pantomime with the faculty of Juilliard.

I sat down in a chair. Grabbed onto the edge of the seat for support. Looked up to the ceiling. And I let myself cry.

It felt good, actually...good to cry. It's what I needed to do.

Austin, one of the current grad students, gently sat down next to me and told me about one of the times he’d had a breakdown in class and how it’s all par-for-the-course in the Juilliard experience. He made me smile. It was comforting.

I could breathe again.

Enough of the angst, Wilcox...Now it’s time for games!

I wiped away my tears, ran up the stairs and removed my shoes and socks, leaving them in my bag.

I found Toby and gave him a HUGE hug and said. "Thank you. Your hug gave me the love to get through that audition. You gave me your energy. I could feel it. Thank you. That was awesome."

He grinned at me. I grinned back.

We joined up with the rest of our group as we all made our way back down the stairs and into the audition room again with the faculty.

The next hour or so was sooooo much fun. We did so many fun exercises/activities/games together. I won’t bore you with all the details, but lets just say...it was just like being a kid again and playing pretend....Only, this time, I was playing pretend with a room full of the BEST pretenders you’ve ever played with. Everyone’s imaginations were bouncing off the walls!!! It was fantastic to behold and to participate in. There was excitement in the air. It was electric! Laughter one moment, silence the next, cheers and then tears.

Ahhhh, actors...we are a unique breed. We are sensitive and yet, bold. We express our way of experiencing the world passionately and (ideally) unapologetically...in public.

After we we’re all done running around and playing fun games, exhaustion started to set in. We all tromped back up-stairs and collapsed in the waiting area...just bodies laying on the floor, slouching on the seats and benches...It’s about 9pm at this point... And I’ve been up since 6am...and I'm sure I wasn't the only one. So, everyone’s a bit punchy, for sure.

Then Kathy appears, clipboard in hand. “Okay, everyone. Hope you had fun in there!”

We all responded with cheers and comments of joy and laughter.

Kathy continued, “Wonderful! I had so much fun watching you all working and playing in there. Thank you for that...Now, I know it’s getting late and you must be feeling the length of the day by now. However, we’re going to as some of you to stay and interview, if you are up for it. You’re all under consideration for the final callback weekend. So if you’re asked to stay for an interview tonight or not, it doesn’t “mean anything” either way, just know that. And we may be contacting you at a later date for a phone or Skype interview, if we feel that’s necessary, okay? Now, I’m going to call you over one-by-one to discuss with each of you individually.”

I love Kathy. She is one of the most genuinely warm-hearted human beings alive. Juilliard is soooooo lucky to have her.

So she started calling each of us over to her, alphabetically from the top of the list. Ha! You know what that means? I’m last.

Patience is a virtue and having a “W” name allows me to practice it often.

After a few moments of checking my phone and biting my cuticles and checking my phone again and looking around to see if people were getting ready to leave or settling-in for more waiting...I hear Kathy’s voice above the mild chatter in the room...

“Virginia?”

My turn. ~gulp~

I get up from the floor where I’ve been sitting and trot over to Kathy Hood. Holding my breath and smiling...hoping that I would be asked to stay, but trying hard not to expect anything more than the already ammmmmazing experience that I’ve had.

I’m standing with Kathy, away from all of the others. She looks down at her clipboard for a second and then back at me...



Loves,
V



P.S. Will Virginia be asked to stay for an interview? What will tomorrow's post be all about?

...Stay tuned...I hope you will enjoy PART FIVE, the final chapter in my Juilliard Drama audition tale.

130. Juilliard Drama Audition 2012: Part Three (The Faculty)

(This is the third post relating my experience at Juilliard Drama Auditions 2012. Click here for Part One. Click here for Part Two.)

Part Three: THE FACULTY

Mine was the very last name on the callback list from the Juilliard Drama auditions that morning.

I was one of the lucky 18 selected to stay and audition for the entire FACULTY that afternoon.

As I walked down the hallway toward the room where the other 17 Juilliard hopefuls would be waiting, I tried to breathe.

"Stay calm, Wilcox." I thought. "You can do this. This is what you’ve been working so hard for, right? Don’t be scared. Enjoy it!"

Standing outside the door, checking people on the list was Kathy Hood, Administrator for the Drama Division. She was looking down at her paper as I approached. When she looked up at me her face lit up with joy, she gasped and wrapped her arms around me with a quick hug and said, “Virginia, there you are! Thank goodness. I was so worried. All the rooms were clear of people and we didn’t see you. I was concerned that you didn’t see your name on the list and had left the building! We’re so glad you didn’t leave! Come on in. We’re going to take a photo of you and then you can have a seat.”

I smiled and my heart was filled with joy because one of my wishes had just come TRUE! And not the one you might think...If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you may remember my concluding paragraph in post 34. Recap - Year 1/Year 2 - YALE Auditions... I included an imaginary interchange I was hoping experience someday... in reality. Well, this brief exchange with Kathy felt EXACTLY like that imagined conversation...Slightly different words, but the feeling was the same…Being welcomed, being valued, being appreciated. I wasn’t just a statistic to Kathy Hood…I was Virginia Wilcox…and she was glad that I was here.

And, let me tell you…I was glad to be there too.

After I had my photo taken (Just an awful deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face, but what can ya do?...It’s honest) I took one of the empty seats and realized that I recognized someone. It was the beautiful blue-eyed girl from the subway car! (I will call her Melinda.) I told her that I recognized her from the subway car, that I had spotted her as being an actress right away. She grinned from ear to ear and said, “Really?! Wow! Thank you so much. That’s a nice thing to say.” (I loved her response. She’s obviously proud to be an actor. And that is GREAT! So many of us adopt an apologetic tone when we regretfully admit that we are ~gulp~ lowly actors, but not Melinda! She was thrilled to be identified as an actress! So refreshing! What a joy!)

After everyone had their photos taken we all headed upstairs where they had LUNCH waiting for us. NO JOKE. I don’t know about you, but one way to win me over and make me a devoted and loyal fan for life is to provide me with free food. So that was AWESOME and much appreciated by all. Everyone was starving by this point! !t was probably around 2:30pm-ish.

As we ate... we got to sit around and chat with each other and the three current students who were there to take care of us and help facilitate the callbacks. They were three super friendly and supportive and humorous angels: Mary, Austin & Angelina.

We did some paperwork stuff too…They had printed out sheets of paper for each of us, telling us all of the things that were missing from our application files. I don't know how they managed to do that so quickly. Very impressive. (I need to send in my transcripts. Put that on the “to do” list.)

We were also handed a green sheet of paper with three questions on it. We’d be required to write a few short paragraphs answering three questions, so that the faculty could get to know us better.

Then we were lined-up in alphabetical order (I was last...naturally) and escorted back into the audition room to meet the faculty.

We all stood in a line facing them and they sat in a semicircle facing us.

It was like love at first sight! What an amazing, eclectic group they are.

We got to introduce ourselves first. They started with me.

“Hi. I’m Virginia Wilcox and I’m from Walnut Creek, California.”

And so on and so forth down the line...Like we were in a beauty pageant. Hilarious!

Then the faculty started introducing themselves in a similar manner…which I thought was very equalizing. We were alllll in the same boat together…doing our awkward introductions, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all and reminding ourselves where we came from before we even dreamed of ending up in this room together.

And now… the auditions were about to begin again. Only this time, we were each told what monologue the faculty specifically wanted to see us do.

For me…They wanted to see my contemporary monologue with the adjustment.

I thought to myself, “Whaaaaat??? How can this be? Do they really want me to go in there and pantomime cleaning up a restaurant? Seriously?!!! No way...God, I am about to go into that room and PANTOMIME in front of the entire faculty of JUILLIARD….Oh, dear lord. This is about to be humiliating. I am no good at pantomime. I am going to look completely ridiculous!”

My mind was racing as we walked back upstairs to the waiting area. HOW was I going to do my monologue with the adjustment and not forget my lines?...Shudder....

"Never mind. Don’t think about it yet." I thought to myself. "Focus on the next task…writing the answers to those questions…"

I don’t recall EXACTLY how the questions were worded or exactly what I answered, but it was something like this…

1. What is your greatest strength as an actor?
My Answer: Love. Love is my greatest strength as an actor. I love doing this more than anything. And, maybe determination also, I don’t give up. I will never give up. 

2. What is your greatest weakness as an actor?
My Answer: Fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being judged. I have been working to overcome these fears…or if not overcome the fear then just learn to lean into fear, rather than shy away from it. 

3. Describe an artistic event that has significance to you?
My Answer: I wrote about TEDxBroadway and my deep admiration for inspiring leaders.

I turned in my paper before I could start to re-read, re-think, re-consider and start feeling insecure that everything I had written was all WRONG.

"NO EDITING , WILCOX! Get it on the page and then LET IT GO!" Easier thought than done.

Then I walked over to the food table to get a snack and began a conversation with one particular young gentleman that I am sooooo glad I had the privilege to get to know...even if just for one day. (I will call him Toby.) He’s a BFA applicant…an old soul…sharp as a tack, but with the buoyant energy and imagination of a 9-year-old. This young man instantaneously won me over. I mean, how could I not love this guy? He was homeschooled too! We totally bonded…and shared with each other our fears about sucking big-time on the “adjusted” versions of our monologues. I could tell he was incredibly talented and would be very interesting to watch. I was captivated just by talking to him... I guess that’s what they call the “it” factor or “presence” or “star-power” or whatever. Anyway, what ever you want to call it, he has it…AND he’s a sweetheart too!

As much as I wanted to pre-plan every single move of this “pantomimed monologue” I was about to do, I knew that pre-planning too much would be a total disaster. I knew that my desire to pre-plan was just coming from a place of FEAR and my need to CONTROL the audition and try to get it RIGHT. The courageous part of me knew that I’d be able to survive with no plan…However, since this is a very IMPORTANT audition to me, I decided to compromise a bit and at least give myself a structure to play within.

So here’s what I did… I drew myself a picture of my imaginary restaurant.

If this was really my place of employment, then I’d know it like the back of my hand, right? And I’d have a closing routine of stuff that I alllllllways had to do every night to close down the restaurant, right? So that was my structure...knowing EXACTLY where I am and EXACTLY what needed to be accomplished with my cleaning tasks before I could leave the restaurant for the evening.

It made me feel a lot more relaxed to have clear picture of my imaginary restaurant, with 6 two-tops, a counter with stools, the kitchen on the left and the front door on the right. Simple.

And my routine?...Well, before I was allowed to leave the restaurant…I had to grab a tray and clear all the salt/pepper shakers, wipe down all the tables/chairs, wipe down a stack of menus and if I still had time left over…I could sweep the floor. Simple.

I was finally called down to the hallway outside the audition room. I was "on-deck" and waiting to go next.

Toby was right before me alphabetically. He was in the audition room getting it all nice and warmed-up with awesomeness for me. And, sure enough, a few seconds later he burst out of the room like a prize-fighter coming out of the ring from a win!

I stood by and watched him as he wound-down from the experience…keeping my distance. Allowing him to have his moment, waiting for him to approach me…or not. Then the monitor came out of the room and told him he was free to go back to the waiting area.

My turn.

Now.

Toby turns to me with a huge grin and wraps his arms around me in a big, strong full-body hug, so close and strong that I could feel the love in his heart bursting through his chest and sending an electric jolt through to mine. His belief in me was so deep and true, it made my bones ache. “You get in there and go for it, okay? You’re going to be awesome.”

“Okay.” I said.

He smiled at me with his reassuring grin and bounded away… As I turned to face the door…alone.

Loves,
V

P.S. Saturday's post… Playing games, exhaustion and…Will I survive my “pantomime with words?”

The only way to find out… check back here at…www.AcceptanceProjectNYC.blogspot.com

P.P.S. LOL! Storytelling rules!

P.P.P.S. Reminder: No post on Friday (as usual). My wrists need a wrest. ;-p